Introspections of a sort.
The self that is not the self that the rest wish for
The self is driven to pain and suffering by others and it's own self.
All this for not fitting certain absolute standards
The self grows and changes at its own pace
But it does not conform. It merely continues to exist.
It survives.
It lives.
It grows.
But it is afraid.
So afraid that it judges too much. Trust is given discriminately.
It picks apart itself and the other. Any sign of potential discomfort drives it away.
It is twisted by its internal pain and mistrust.
It is paralyzed by its fear and uncertainty.
It is torn apart by its humanity.
The self wishes not to be human.
It wishes to be something else, something different.
It never asked to be like this.
It wishes not to be here but someplace else, someplace different.
It never asked to be here.
It seeks belonging and comfort.
It seeks understanding.
It seeks to mend the disconnect between what it knows and what it feels. The self knows it is loved by another but it doesn't feel it. It can feel the pain and joy of the other but it cannot feel the love from the other. Words and ideas. Thoughts and feelings. Logic and emotion. The corporeal and the ethereal. The outer and the inner. The self feels safer in its inner world but wishes to share it with the other in the outer. Ideas fall apart when transformed into words and stumble. What is known cannot be felt. The ethereal and the corporeal are not in balance. The mind and heart are in imbalance, for they are separate but should in fact be one or so the self feels and thinks. The only thing the mind and the heart can agree on. For the ethereal heart equates to the corporeal mind and not, in fact the corporeal heart. They are yin and yang but yin and yang are two halves of a whole. The self wishes to feel whole, rather than existing as two disconnected halves.
I am that self ...or am I merely part of it? Is it part of me?
I know that I am me. I have diagnosed the symptoms.
But is that all I am? Is this incomplete disconnect all that I am?
What will make me feel whole?
What is the cause of this disconnect?
I do not know but then, there is much I have yet to know.
Flow. To and fro. Such is my existence. I am like water. Deep water. But do I even know what lies in the depths of my self? The infinite yet finite sea where my thought and emotion swim. The order that flows from the chaos. The something from the nothing. Things from ideas. I wish to be in that world. Free. In that world. That other place I've seen in dreams. That place I belong, where I am with those that I belong. To whom I belong. Where I am whole. Where I am free to wander. To find harmony and get the balance right... I am only happy with those people. This world itself does little for me. I do not belong in it. Am I even of it? I am disconnected from it and pulled to the other world but I have no way of getting there. Except, perhaps in my mind. And in the dreams and ideas that I release into the minds of others as they resonate when truly understood and meld with theirs.
You might think me a fool, wasting my time and energy on such fanciful nonsense. Perhaps I am but is not the fool just another name for one on a journey few understand? It is the first card of the tarot and though I identify more with Temperance(or more properly unity and balance) I have grown to identify with that too. Only time will tell and it with space are the ultimate masters of all. We are confined by them. We may move fairly freely in space and even that freedom is finite but only forward in time and we stand still in all other dimensions of reality and existence.
My mind is a strange place, no?
The self is driven to pain and suffering by others and it's own self.
All this for not fitting certain absolute standards
The self grows and changes at its own pace
But it does not conform. It merely continues to exist.
It survives.
It lives.
It grows.
But it is afraid.
So afraid that it judges too much. Trust is given discriminately.
It picks apart itself and the other. Any sign of potential discomfort drives it away.
It is twisted by its internal pain and mistrust.
It is paralyzed by its fear and uncertainty.
It is torn apart by its humanity.
The self wishes not to be human.
It wishes to be something else, something different.
It never asked to be like this.
It wishes not to be here but someplace else, someplace different.
It never asked to be here.
It seeks belonging and comfort.
It seeks understanding.
It seeks to mend the disconnect between what it knows and what it feels. The self knows it is loved by another but it doesn't feel it. It can feel the pain and joy of the other but it cannot feel the love from the other. Words and ideas. Thoughts and feelings. Logic and emotion. The corporeal and the ethereal. The outer and the inner. The self feels safer in its inner world but wishes to share it with the other in the outer. Ideas fall apart when transformed into words and stumble. What is known cannot be felt. The ethereal and the corporeal are not in balance. The mind and heart are in imbalance, for they are separate but should in fact be one or so the self feels and thinks. The only thing the mind and the heart can agree on. For the ethereal heart equates to the corporeal mind and not, in fact the corporeal heart. They are yin and yang but yin and yang are two halves of a whole. The self wishes to feel whole, rather than existing as two disconnected halves.
I am that self ...or am I merely part of it? Is it part of me?
I know that I am me. I have diagnosed the symptoms.
But is that all I am? Is this incomplete disconnect all that I am?
What will make me feel whole?
What is the cause of this disconnect?
I do not know but then, there is much I have yet to know.
Flow. To and fro. Such is my existence. I am like water. Deep water. But do I even know what lies in the depths of my self? The infinite yet finite sea where my thought and emotion swim. The order that flows from the chaos. The something from the nothing. Things from ideas. I wish to be in that world. Free. In that world. That other place I've seen in dreams. That place I belong, where I am with those that I belong. To whom I belong. Where I am whole. Where I am free to wander. To find harmony and get the balance right... I am only happy with those people. This world itself does little for me. I do not belong in it. Am I even of it? I am disconnected from it and pulled to the other world but I have no way of getting there. Except, perhaps in my mind. And in the dreams and ideas that I release into the minds of others as they resonate when truly understood and meld with theirs.
You might think me a fool, wasting my time and energy on such fanciful nonsense. Perhaps I am but is not the fool just another name for one on a journey few understand? It is the first card of the tarot and though I identify more with Temperance(or more properly unity and balance) I have grown to identify with that too. Only time will tell and it with space are the ultimate masters of all. We are confined by them. We may move fairly freely in space and even that freedom is finite but only forward in time and we stand still in all other dimensions of reality and existence.
My mind is a strange place, no?