The line, where is it?
I worry a lot about being a good person and how others see me, and of course am mortified that I ever may seem to be a boorish horrible foul person.
And I squirm around sometimes on my days where I'm sucked into the blogosphere, as I see hints that I've been more privileged than I may have previously admitted to, and then worry that maybe I'm worrying too much, and hope dreadfully that if there's any kind of karmic book out there that maybe I can get a passing grade for "effort". I'll settle for a silver star sticker, too.
A happy face doodle would be exceptionally nice.
Anyhow. Today I wandered to various blogs as I poked at working on Asian-themed pieces of art, and had the sheer uneasy weirdness settle on me again about how respectful am I really, how much thought do I put into this all, am I the dreaded fetishist/-phile that I tend to violently react to being accused of being?
I'm also feeling vaguely crawly that while yes, I do Asian-themes and symbolism- sometimes changed a little for my own meanings and aesthetics- as a random "I like doing this" thing, some recent projects are more due to "I need to make a living and I have a chance to sell small things at a local venue *if* they are Asian theme to go with the venue." Which, since I am 100% not Asian is really really... weird feeling, even if the whole project is at the behest of the owners of the Chinese restaurant, and the manager there seems quite cheerful to encourage me into studying more Chinese art and sent me on my way to drool over a Taiwanese museum's website last time I was there.
I've addressed before that I have huge self-confidence, guilt, and martyr-complex problems that rear up, and that adds an extra dimension of over-analysis-wtf. I can't tell if I'm genuinely concerned because it's something my conscience tells me to be concerned about because I'm walking a thin line, or if I'm genuinely concerned to a point of sheer self-paranoia.
And being easily led into fretting as I am, I wander to sites where the question is exasperatedly asked "Why do all these white folks want Asian character tatoos?!" and I squirm because I do generally tend to want to someday have "Baka Kitsune" in nice tight katakana or kanji around my little winged fox on my shin, and then that of course goes to the "Why on earth did I name my studio half-Japanese?!" (Studio is Bakafox Studio)
The answer of course is in itself me trying to poke at myself in a more humorous way about my likings- I *do* take a lot from Asian cultures, Japanese is the culture I'm most bombarded with (by my will!) because they have the most animation and bands I'm familiar with. Yes, it's because I'm an anime nerd as much or more than because when I was growing up in San Antonio there were the Japanese Tea Gardens and several museums with large and lovely Asian collections that I spent many MANY afternoons and weekends immersed in.
I want to pat myself on the back about at least knowing what I'm naming myself: Quite aware that baka is idiot or fool, that's why it was the chosen type of fox, as a self-derogatory giggle that yes I am an idiot at times, and also as a poke at how I was convinced by many for years that ONLY an idiot would try art as a life/career choice, and that I am an idiot for wanting this instead of wanting to be a lawyer or doctor first and then toodle around with art when I retire.
But when you get to it, "Foolish Fox" in English or even "Idiot Fox" in English rolls off the tongue just as easily (ok, easier for people who don't watch waaay too much subtitled anime around here) than "Bakafox". So it's a pure prosthetic, aesthetic choice that could be read somewhere, including here, by me, as... kind of creepy.
I say it's because I like Japanese culture and language. Really though, the language kind of intimidates me too much to learn more than the simplest of phrases, and all I can say about why I like the language is "It sounds pretty to me!" which again in my brain becomes a bit weaksauce, like something right out of "Shame of the Otaku". The calligraphy and characters of China and Japan are things I see a lot of and find aesthetically pleasing too- but honestly, again, I am too intimidated to ever really RESEARCH it. So can I really say I respect it enough? Or is this the whole phile/fetish thing that I want to desperately say I am not?
I also can nod and say I've always loved Martial Arts - but again, it IS fairly fangirlish. I liked the ninjas in GI Joe, I wanted to learn ANY form of Martial Arts desperately as a kid because there were movies and books that made me think that that could make me a more awesome person and not care I was bullied and stop the bullies from bothering me, and I was (and sometimes feel I still am) as impressionable as wet clay over esteem/bully issues.
I loved world mythology in general as a child, so I read some Chinese, Japanese, and Vietnamese tales right alongside the Greek, Egyptian, native American, Celtic, and aboriginal Australian stories I pulled off library shelves. The Japanese and Chinese just get dragged out into the light of my now-imagination again because of the animation and movies I bombard myself with. And again, because, well, I just am not sure where to look for more sources and animation of Other Stories more than because I feel like researching, and lo, I do not research. The movies are me absorbing the stories, but also in large part are me going "OOOH" over the set design, art, costumes, choreography... well, it's me being just a fangirl again isn't it?
Then again, the point of the entertainment is to, ENTERTAIN, so maybe I am being properly respectful when I'm being enthralled by even those trivial details.
And thus the hamsterwheeling, and my losing absolute track when I try and pin things down and figure out: Am I doing this wrong? And is it even something I should try to do right? Am I borrowing, am I stealing, am I appreciating, understanding, and respecting, or am I just going "O ASIANS R SO HAWT AN I LIEK TEH BUSHIDO MEN AND SUBBY GIRLZ" in at least a way better than that actual line?
Plus I then get this far into a post and realize I've been rambling aimlessly and had more actual pointed stuff to recall/say but have forgotten it all. *sigh*
And is it also maybe just a case of "Get off my lazy ass and stop being intimidated and do the searches for all the OTHER things you know inspire you so that you don't feel like a one trick pony."? Of course then I also get to feel this way over Chicano art, Russian art, aboriginal art, Egyptian art, and... auuugh$deity I *do* still have real "I am shit" issues, don't I? *sigh*
And I squirm around sometimes on my days where I'm sucked into the blogosphere, as I see hints that I've been more privileged than I may have previously admitted to, and then worry that maybe I'm worrying too much, and hope dreadfully that if there's any kind of karmic book out there that maybe I can get a passing grade for "effort". I'll settle for a silver star sticker, too.
A happy face doodle would be exceptionally nice.
Anyhow. Today I wandered to various blogs as I poked at working on Asian-themed pieces of art, and had the sheer uneasy weirdness settle on me again about how respectful am I really, how much thought do I put into this all, am I the dreaded fetishist/-phile that I tend to violently react to being accused of being?
I'm also feeling vaguely crawly that while yes, I do Asian-themes and symbolism- sometimes changed a little for my own meanings and aesthetics- as a random "I like doing this" thing, some recent projects are more due to "I need to make a living and I have a chance to sell small things at a local venue *if* they are Asian theme to go with the venue." Which, since I am 100% not Asian is really really... weird feeling, even if the whole project is at the behest of the owners of the Chinese restaurant, and the manager there seems quite cheerful to encourage me into studying more Chinese art and sent me on my way to drool over a Taiwanese museum's website last time I was there.
I've addressed before that I have huge self-confidence, guilt, and martyr-complex problems that rear up, and that adds an extra dimension of over-analysis-wtf. I can't tell if I'm genuinely concerned because it's something my conscience tells me to be concerned about because I'm walking a thin line, or if I'm genuinely concerned to a point of sheer self-paranoia.
And being easily led into fretting as I am, I wander to sites where the question is exasperatedly asked "Why do all these white folks want Asian character tatoos?!" and I squirm because I do generally tend to want to someday have "Baka Kitsune" in nice tight katakana or kanji around my little winged fox on my shin, and then that of course goes to the "Why on earth did I name my studio half-Japanese?!" (Studio is Bakafox Studio)
The answer of course is in itself me trying to poke at myself in a more humorous way about my likings- I *do* take a lot from Asian cultures, Japanese is the culture I'm most bombarded with (by my will!) because they have the most animation and bands I'm familiar with. Yes, it's because I'm an anime nerd as much or more than because when I was growing up in San Antonio there were the Japanese Tea Gardens and several museums with large and lovely Asian collections that I spent many MANY afternoons and weekends immersed in.
I want to pat myself on the back about at least knowing what I'm naming myself: Quite aware that baka is idiot or fool, that's why it was the chosen type of fox, as a self-derogatory giggle that yes I am an idiot at times, and also as a poke at how I was convinced by many for years that ONLY an idiot would try art as a life/career choice, and that I am an idiot for wanting this instead of wanting to be a lawyer or doctor first and then toodle around with art when I retire.
But when you get to it, "Foolish Fox" in English or even "Idiot Fox" in English rolls off the tongue just as easily (ok, easier for people who don't watch waaay too much subtitled anime around here) than "Bakafox". So it's a pure prosthetic, aesthetic choice that could be read somewhere, including here, by me, as... kind of creepy.
I say it's because I like Japanese culture and language. Really though, the language kind of intimidates me too much to learn more than the simplest of phrases, and all I can say about why I like the language is "It sounds pretty to me!" which again in my brain becomes a bit weaksauce, like something right out of "Shame of the Otaku". The calligraphy and characters of China and Japan are things I see a lot of and find aesthetically pleasing too- but honestly, again, I am too intimidated to ever really RESEARCH it. So can I really say I respect it enough? Or is this the whole phile/fetish thing that I want to desperately say I am not?
I also can nod and say I've always loved Martial Arts - but again, it IS fairly fangirlish. I liked the ninjas in GI Joe, I wanted to learn ANY form of Martial Arts desperately as a kid because there were movies and books that made me think that that could make me a more awesome person and not care I was bullied and stop the bullies from bothering me, and I was (and sometimes feel I still am) as impressionable as wet clay over esteem/bully issues.
I loved world mythology in general as a child, so I read some Chinese, Japanese, and Vietnamese tales right alongside the Greek, Egyptian, native American, Celtic, and aboriginal Australian stories I pulled off library shelves. The Japanese and Chinese just get dragged out into the light of my now-imagination again because of the animation and movies I bombard myself with. And again, because, well, I just am not sure where to look for more sources and animation of Other Stories more than because I feel like researching, and lo, I do not research. The movies are me absorbing the stories, but also in large part are me going "OOOH" over the set design, art, costumes, choreography... well, it's me being just a fangirl again isn't it?
Then again, the point of the entertainment is to, ENTERTAIN, so maybe I am being properly respectful when I'm being enthralled by even those trivial details.
And thus the hamsterwheeling, and my losing absolute track when I try and pin things down and figure out: Am I doing this wrong? And is it even something I should try to do right? Am I borrowing, am I stealing, am I appreciating, understanding, and respecting, or am I just going "O ASIANS R SO HAWT AN I LIEK TEH BUSHIDO MEN AND SUBBY GIRLZ" in at least a way better than that actual line?
Plus I then get this far into a post and realize I've been rambling aimlessly and had more actual pointed stuff to recall/say but have forgotten it all. *sigh*
And is it also maybe just a case of "Get off my lazy ass and stop being intimidated and do the searches for all the OTHER things you know inspire you so that you don't feel like a one trick pony."? Of course then I also get to feel this way over Chicano art, Russian art, aboriginal art, Egyptian art, and... auuugh$deity I *do* still have real "I am shit" issues, don't I? *sigh*