Some Mitch Hedberg Quotes!
I know Mitch is gone; you know he's gone, so let's relive his great career and laugh at some of my favorite Mitch lines:
-I got two straws in here, in case one breaks down!
-Krazy straws go all over the place, these motherfuckers are sane! They go straight to the mouth, those other guys are fucking crazy!
-I can't tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved!
-I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread!
-I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking off the pedals. She was saying 'he loves me, he loves me not!' Thank god the flower can't talk, what would it say? 'Fuck that hurts! Fuck, that hurts as well! Fuck, leave me alone, I'm no longer pretty, and he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of pedals!'
-I am not making a banana bread, pastrami, cottage cheese sandwich... that will severly ruin my reputation!
-I always order the club sandwich, but I'm not in the club!
-If I'm ever on a boat, and it capsizes, I'll reach for a lime. I'd just be floating there. I'm saved by the bouyancy of citrus!
-Is a hipopotomus a hipopotumus, or just a really kool oppotomus?
-If thirteen is bad luck, then so should the letter 'b' be, cuz 'B' looks like a scrunched together '13'! "What's your name?" 'Bob' "Get the fuck away!"
-If thirteen is an unlucky number, than 12 and 14 are guilty by association! "I saw you 12, you were with 13!" 'No I was hanging out with 11, you need to talk to 14 about that shit!' "What you got to say 14?" 'Me divided by two equals 7....alright I was 13, shit!'
-...I think of a joke and get up and find a pen, or if there isn't a pen around, I have to convince myself that what I said wasn't funny!
-I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with them later.
-I hate arrows, always telling me where to go...I would hate to get killed by an arrow; they'd never solve that crime. They'd be like "hey, look at that dead guy...let's go that way!"
-I bought a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, isn't it? This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV! This bedroom is in that guy's house. Sir, do you know you have one of my bedrooms? Please don't decorate it!
-...'You can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95'. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. 'We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. That last payment must be made in Wampum! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fuckers!
-In McDonald's commercials, they always say prices and participation may vary. I'm gonna franchise a McDonald's, but we're not gonna participate in shit! Cheeseburgers? Nope; we got Spaghetti, and blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many kids!
-I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
-They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that! "Hey you want somemore homemade Sprite?" 'Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!'
-I love escalators man, escalators can never break....they only turn into stairs! Sorry for the convenience!
-I got a business card, cuz I wanna win some lunches. "Mitch Hedberg; potential lunch winner...Give me a call, maybe we'll have lunch...If I'm lucky!"
-I can't wait to get offstage, because I have a roll of lifesavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
-I got a fire alarm at home, but really it's a "9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer!" Do you wanna slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle!
-I'm not that cocky, goddamnit! Go ahead and talk, but....use your hands!
-It's really not much an emergency break; it's more of an "emergency-make-the-car-smell-funny" lever.
-I think people honk the car horn way too much! I think you should get 3 honks a month, and that's it. Then if you use more than three it just goes 'pfft!' "Shit, I wish I wouldn't have run into Ricky on the sidewalk!"
-Xylophone is spelled with 'x,' but that's wrong. Xylophone, 'zzzz,' 'x;' I don't fucking see it! It should be a "Z" up front. Next time you have to spell xylophone, use a 'z' and if someone says, 'hey that's wrong.' say, no it ain't! If you think that's wrong, you need to have your head 'z'-rayed! It's like X wasn't given enough to do, so they had to promise it more. 'Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will get a costarring role in tic-tac-toe; and you will be acquainted with hugs and kisses, and you will mark the spot, and you will make writing christmas easier, and incidently you will start xylophone, are ya happy, ya fucking 'x!'
-...Hey, Peter Frampton, do you like toast, too? As do I. It is warm and crispy. And a perfect place for jelly to lay. Now get away from me Frampton, I ain't got shit to say to you!
-I don't want to be on the cover of a Wheaties box, I want to be on the cover of a Rice Krispies box: Snap, Crackle, Mitch & Pop! 'How the fuck did he do that?' "In this town, it's all about who you know; and I know Crackle!"
-I walked past a dry cleaner at 3AM and the sign said 'sorry we're closed.' You dont have to be sorry, it's 3AM and you are a dry cleaners. It would be ridiculous to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna come back at 10 and say "I was here at 3AM and you were closed. I think you owe me an apology, this jacket would be halfway done."
-You know what I'd like to see? A forklift lift a crate of forks, it would be sooo literal. It would be used for its exact purpose. That machine has been misunderstood for years.
-I went to the store and bought some apples, and I brought them up to the counter. The guy working asked me if I wanted a bag. I said "Nope, I can juggle; but I can only juggle eight! If you ever see me in here buying more than eight apples, fuckin' bag 'em up!"
-I watched a guy juggling chainsaws. I mean it was cool and all, but unless you had to cut something down, it would just be pointless! "C'mon Rick, can't we just use...one?"
-I have a king size bed, I guess if a king came over, I guess he would be comfortable! "You're never gonna believe what I have for you. It was made to fit your exact specifications! I think I might be able to hook up your lady friend too!"
-When I was a kid, I used to lay awake in my twin-size bed, and wonder where my brother was.
-When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy, they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again. Dufrane, party of two. But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry. That's a double whammy! Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes!
And to end with my favorite quote of all:
-I got some tartar control toothpaste; I still got tartar, but that shit's under control! If it gets out of line, I'm like 'c'mon you crazy-ass tartar, you know the deal..fall in! I got so much tartar, I don't got to dip my fish sticks in shit! Actually that's really gross. It's at this point that I explain to the audience that I was just kidding. I actually don't know how much tartar I have, but I bet it's right in the middle. If every person in this room took a tartar test, I bet you my name would be right in the fucking middle!
I've been in a good mood almost the entire day; a new record this week! Let's hope it doesn't get ruined for awhile! I think it's the medication! Happy 20th Kelly, let the year of hell begin!
THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT!
-I got two straws in here, in case one breaks down!
-Krazy straws go all over the place, these motherfuckers are sane! They go straight to the mouth, those other guys are fucking crazy!
-I can't tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved!
-I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread!
-I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking off the pedals. She was saying 'he loves me, he loves me not!' Thank god the flower can't talk, what would it say? 'Fuck that hurts! Fuck, that hurts as well! Fuck, leave me alone, I'm no longer pretty, and he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of pedals!'
-I am not making a banana bread, pastrami, cottage cheese sandwich... that will severly ruin my reputation!
-I always order the club sandwich, but I'm not in the club!
-If I'm ever on a boat, and it capsizes, I'll reach for a lime. I'd just be floating there. I'm saved by the bouyancy of citrus!
-Is a hipopotomus a hipopotumus, or just a really kool oppotomus?
-If thirteen is bad luck, then so should the letter 'b' be, cuz 'B' looks like a scrunched together '13'! "What's your name?" 'Bob' "Get the fuck away!"
-If thirteen is an unlucky number, than 12 and 14 are guilty by association! "I saw you 12, you were with 13!" 'No I was hanging out with 11, you need to talk to 14 about that shit!' "What you got to say 14?" 'Me divided by two equals 7....alright I was 13, shit!'
-...I think of a joke and get up and find a pen, or if there isn't a pen around, I have to convince myself that what I said wasn't funny!
-I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with them later.
-I hate arrows, always telling me where to go...I would hate to get killed by an arrow; they'd never solve that crime. They'd be like "hey, look at that dead guy...let's go that way!"
-I bought a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, isn't it? This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV! This bedroom is in that guy's house. Sir, do you know you have one of my bedrooms? Please don't decorate it!
-...'You can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95'. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. 'We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. That last payment must be made in Wampum! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fuckers!
-In McDonald's commercials, they always say prices and participation may vary. I'm gonna franchise a McDonald's, but we're not gonna participate in shit! Cheeseburgers? Nope; we got Spaghetti, and blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many kids!
-I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
-They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that! "Hey you want somemore homemade Sprite?" 'Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!'
-I love escalators man, escalators can never break....they only turn into stairs! Sorry for the convenience!
-I got a business card, cuz I wanna win some lunches. "Mitch Hedberg; potential lunch winner...Give me a call, maybe we'll have lunch...If I'm lucky!"
-I can't wait to get offstage, because I have a roll of lifesavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
-I got a fire alarm at home, but really it's a "9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer!" Do you wanna slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle!
-I'm not that cocky, goddamnit! Go ahead and talk, but....use your hands!
-It's really not much an emergency break; it's more of an "emergency-make-the-car-smell-funny" lever.
-I think people honk the car horn way too much! I think you should get 3 honks a month, and that's it. Then if you use more than three it just goes 'pfft!' "Shit, I wish I wouldn't have run into Ricky on the sidewalk!"
-Xylophone is spelled with 'x,' but that's wrong. Xylophone, 'zzzz,' 'x;' I don't fucking see it! It should be a "Z" up front. Next time you have to spell xylophone, use a 'z' and if someone says, 'hey that's wrong.' say, no it ain't! If you think that's wrong, you need to have your head 'z'-rayed! It's like X wasn't given enough to do, so they had to promise it more. 'Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will get a costarring role in tic-tac-toe; and you will be acquainted with hugs and kisses, and you will mark the spot, and you will make writing christmas easier, and incidently you will start xylophone, are ya happy, ya fucking 'x!'
-...Hey, Peter Frampton, do you like toast, too? As do I. It is warm and crispy. And a perfect place for jelly to lay. Now get away from me Frampton, I ain't got shit to say to you!
-I don't want to be on the cover of a Wheaties box, I want to be on the cover of a Rice Krispies box: Snap, Crackle, Mitch & Pop! 'How the fuck did he do that?' "In this town, it's all about who you know; and I know Crackle!"
-I walked past a dry cleaner at 3AM and the sign said 'sorry we're closed.' You dont have to be sorry, it's 3AM and you are a dry cleaners. It would be ridiculous to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna come back at 10 and say "I was here at 3AM and you were closed. I think you owe me an apology, this jacket would be halfway done."
-You know what I'd like to see? A forklift lift a crate of forks, it would be sooo literal. It would be used for its exact purpose. That machine has been misunderstood for years.
-I went to the store and bought some apples, and I brought them up to the counter. The guy working asked me if I wanted a bag. I said "Nope, I can juggle; but I can only juggle eight! If you ever see me in here buying more than eight apples, fuckin' bag 'em up!"
-I watched a guy juggling chainsaws. I mean it was cool and all, but unless you had to cut something down, it would just be pointless! "C'mon Rick, can't we just use...one?"
-I have a king size bed, I guess if a king came over, I guess he would be comfortable! "You're never gonna believe what I have for you. It was made to fit your exact specifications! I think I might be able to hook up your lady friend too!"
-When I was a kid, I used to lay awake in my twin-size bed, and wonder where my brother was.
-When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy, they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again. Dufrane, party of two. But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry. That's a double whammy! Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes!
And to end with my favorite quote of all:
-I got some tartar control toothpaste; I still got tartar, but that shit's under control! If it gets out of line, I'm like 'c'mon you crazy-ass tartar, you know the deal..fall in! I got so much tartar, I don't got to dip my fish sticks in shit! Actually that's really gross. It's at this point that I explain to the audience that I was just kidding. I actually don't know how much tartar I have, but I bet it's right in the middle. If every person in this room took a tartar test, I bet you my name would be right in the fucking middle!
I've been in a good mood almost the entire day; a new record this week! Let's hope it doesn't get ruined for awhile! I think it's the medication! Happy 20th Kelly, let the year of hell begin!
THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT!