(no subject)

May 16, 2006 01:00

One of my drivers (papa johns) wrote this and I'm passin it

Everyone listen up this is important! Get this through your thick skulls-- the pizza guy is a person too! I swear, I could write a fucking book about some of the shit I've seen.

Please do not...

a) ...allow your pet or child to climb or jump on me in any way. I am not, actually, a piece of furniture. I am holding in my hands your and likely someone else's dinner and if I drop liquid hot cheese fresh from a 500 degree oven on your precious Fido then you'll probably be upset. Control your fucking pet, and also those brats you claim to love but decide to feed the sewage we charge the price of a filet mingnon for.

b) ...insist on carrying out your family drama while I have a front row seat. I would much prefer the classic Home Alone Line, "Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here!" All I want to do is drop off your food and be tipped. I really don't need to witness anyone being bitched out for ordering pizza without asking anyone else if they want any, nor do I need to see a continuation of any other arguement between people. If you do elect to bring me into that uncomfortable situation then I'll be forced to go back to the store and tell everyone about how I think you're probably beating your wife as we speak.

c) ...place an order if you do not have the money with you to pay for it. Are you kidding? Thanks for wasting my time and gas money.

d) ...realize that you don't have enough money for a tip and then tell me that you'll "get me next time." Oh really dickhead? We have a staff of 15-20 delivery guys. That means you will almost definitely not be "getting me next time", you'll be getting someone else next time. If you can't afford to pay for the delivery in the form of giving me a decent tip then take the bus on up and order carryout you jackass.

e) ...decide that you are going to try and pay with a $100 bill for an order of under $20! Even if I had that kind of money on me (which I don't), I would never give you that much change because I don't want people to think I have a ton of money on me and become a target for robbery! And it's incredibly assinine to conclude that I, a pizza guy who collects about $15 a pop, will be able to give you $90 worth of change and then look at me like I'm the retard when I tell you where to shove Mr. Franklin!

f) ...be in the backyard, the basement, the shower, or out on a quick errand when you KNOW SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE AT YOUR FRONT DOOR TRYING TO MEET YOU. I know you don't care about my time, but I do, and so do the 4 other families whose dinner I have in my car.

g) ...see me walking somewhere to make a delivery and decide you'll be the "cool guy" who acts like the pizza is for you because you are a retard who can't look at a pizza chain's logo without salivating. You want the food bitch? Fine, where's my 25 bucks plus tip? Yeah that's what I thought, the part of the "joke" where you pay for the food isn't funny anymore is it?

h) ...see me out on a delivery run and ask/beg me to give you one of the many free pizzas I must have stowed away in my massive HONDA CIVIC! How did you know? You're sooooo smart to have figured it out. Every day at work we make about 10 extra pizzas which I have in my car at the ready to generously give to anyone who asks. It's completely logical to think that and I can't believe that more people haven't figured it out, since using valuable resources to make more than what is required so that we can give away items that we are in the business of selling is a practice that is at the heart of every successful company. Are you new to Earth or something?

i) ...refer to me as a "pizza boy." At least not to my face. That's fucking insulting. I know you probably have no respect for me or what I do but you could at least go with "pizza-guy" or maybe even "pizza-man."

Sorry about the rant but I had to get it out. As always, remember to tip your drivers (at least 3 bucks).
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