(no subject)
Well, despite the earlier post I was actually feeling pretty okay for most of the day -- aside from the headache, which I'm pretty much getting used to being there all the time.
(Or at least mostly there more than not there, over the past week or so.)
But all of a sudden I just kind of feel sad and tired, and I'm not entirely sure why. I don't think there's any particular reason, really. It just is.
I'm sad, and I'm tired, but I'm not sleepy. I've tried going to bed already a couple of times, and it didn't take.
I guess I'll just watch Avatar for a while.
(Note to self: while appointment on June 6 isn't for over a month yet, need to find a) where new patient packet went, so I can fill it out. Also b) figure out where my new credit card got off to, so that I can actually buy the plane tickets for this summer. There was a c) for a while, only now I don't remember what it was. Damn it.)
Mom and I are supposed to go check out Holyoke CC on Friday, so I can figure out if I want to rush on trying to get financial aide et al underway by next month, so I can start this fall ... or if I should put it off until I've got more stuff squared away, and aim for next year. idk. I'm just hoping I have the energy to try to deal with it when Friday comes around.
(sometimes I feel like the only times I post in here anymore it's all blah blah depression insomnia weather tl;dr. There's so much that I /can't/ change in big ways but I'm working on the little steps, I just don't do a very good job of record-keeping.)
I think there was going to be more, but it's started raining again.
::eta:: You know, thinking about it -- about my plan to try to go to bed early, etc et al -- the worst part about the whole thing isn't even the not sleeping. It's the trying to go to bed early, it's the trying to have a "reasonable" schedule (even if that just means sticking to the sleep-when-evie's-at-school one), and failing. It's that the /failing/ is just so goddamn demoralizing, that lying there trying to go to sleep and being unable to is /so frustrating/.
June 6. June 6, June 6, June 6. I have a doctor's appointment, I'll have a regular doctor again for the first time since I was 18-19. I'll go /to/ a doctor for the first time since I got my stitches out after the car accident. I've got Evie relatively stable, she's at a school where she can't get kicked out or moved around, where they'll keep working with her and keep working with /me/; I've got her med check appointments (mostly) under control. (May 6 is her next one, for my own record-keeping.)
I'm taking steps to try to take my life back. Slow, painful, tiny baby steps, but-- they're steps. I just gotta hold on to them, and hold on to that, and use it to beat the tired and the sad away. (I can also look, and say-- I know I wasn't always like this. I know I was able to manage better for a /long time/, but I can't anymore, and so I'm doing something to fix it.)
Just.
Bear with me while I do, okay?
(Or at least mostly there more than not there, over the past week or so.)
But all of a sudden I just kind of feel sad and tired, and I'm not entirely sure why. I don't think there's any particular reason, really. It just is.
I'm sad, and I'm tired, but I'm not sleepy. I've tried going to bed already a couple of times, and it didn't take.
I guess I'll just watch Avatar for a while.
(Note to self: while appointment on June 6 isn't for over a month yet, need to find a) where new patient packet went, so I can fill it out. Also b) figure out where my new credit card got off to, so that I can actually buy the plane tickets for this summer. There was a c) for a while, only now I don't remember what it was. Damn it.)
Mom and I are supposed to go check out Holyoke CC on Friday, so I can figure out if I want to rush on trying to get financial aide et al underway by next month, so I can start this fall ... or if I should put it off until I've got more stuff squared away, and aim for next year. idk. I'm just hoping I have the energy to try to deal with it when Friday comes around.
(sometimes I feel like the only times I post in here anymore it's all blah blah depression insomnia weather tl;dr. There's so much that I /can't/ change in big ways but I'm working on the little steps, I just don't do a very good job of record-keeping.)
I think there was going to be more, but it's started raining again.
::eta:: You know, thinking about it -- about my plan to try to go to bed early, etc et al -- the worst part about the whole thing isn't even the not sleeping. It's the trying to go to bed early, it's the trying to have a "reasonable" schedule (even if that just means sticking to the sleep-when-evie's-at-school one), and failing. It's that the /failing/ is just so goddamn demoralizing, that lying there trying to go to sleep and being unable to is /so frustrating/.
June 6. June 6, June 6, June 6. I have a doctor's appointment, I'll have a regular doctor again for the first time since I was 18-19. I'll go /to/ a doctor for the first time since I got my stitches out after the car accident. I've got Evie relatively stable, she's at a school where she can't get kicked out or moved around, where they'll keep working with her and keep working with /me/; I've got her med check appointments (mostly) under control. (May 6 is her next one, for my own record-keeping.)
I'm taking steps to try to take my life back. Slow, painful, tiny baby steps, but-- they're steps. I just gotta hold on to them, and hold on to that, and use it to beat the tired and the sad away. (I can also look, and say-- I know I wasn't always like this. I know I was able to manage better for a /long time/, but I can't anymore, and so I'm doing something to fix it.)
Just.
Bear with me while I do, okay?