..its gonna take some time to see, you change your mind for me...
Life has changed, as it always does, and I find myself in a spot that is good for what its worth. I haven't been sitting around playing video games all day wasting time. I find myself managing time and completing tasks, and as far as recreation is concerned, I have turned to a lot more reading now. Odd I know, but i need to start doing it more. It gets my mind going so much, and I see so much philosophy in everything when I read. My mind actually does work.
So I have been stuck on Nick Hornby's new novel "A Long Way Down", and I am not that far into it yet. Maybe 100 pages deep or so, out of 380ish. I come upon one paragraph, that while I am reading it, makes sooooo much sense, in so many ways, and has just stuck with me. I have to share, so I am including it in this post.
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{..."One's real life is so often the life that one does not lead." Well fucking right on, Oscar. My real life was full of headlining shows at Wembley and Madison Square Garden and platinum records, and Grammy's, and that wasn't the life I was leading, which is maybe why it felt liike I could throw it away. The life I was leading didn't let me be., I don't know ... be who I thought I was. It didn't even let me stand up properly. It felt like I'd been walking down a tunnel that was getting narrower and narrower, and darker and darker, and had started shipping water, and I was all hunched up, and was a wall of rock in front of me and the only tools I had were my fingernails. And maybe everyone feels that way, but thats no reason to stick with it. Anyway, that New Years Eve, I'd gotten sick of it, finally. My fingernails were all worn away, and the tips of my fingers were shredded up. I couldn't dig anymore...}
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Maybe my life is not how I am leading it. I am a fucking server at a restaurant. I manage sometimes, and always take credit as a trainer first, but are these positions of responsibility in my confidence. Do I engage life with the thoughts of responsibility that I possess? I might occasionally, but this is not my passion. It is merely a stepping stool to the next level of my life. I could have taken the next step in the Outback company. I could have already gotten out of the restaurant business all together, but here I am, leading the life of the common working person. I feel like I should be on top somewhere, but my confidence lacks, and I have no drive. I only take what is given to me, and never truly strive and force my way to the top. I could be a player, but am merely a pawn. I need to get a grasp on what I can become, and not merely settle for what I could surely surpass. I know my shit. I do. But will I ever pull it all together and show it, probably not. I am intimidated by real life. This is no longer class, with farsical figures, and no one getting hurt when the ends don't match the means. It is people's lives that get affected by my every move. I don't want that responsibility yet. Give me a while. I want to live the life which I deserve. But will I ever have it. Probably not yet. Not until I mature.