Patience, Goddess please help me!
Everytime I attend FCOW services I find myself re-evaluating the personal aspects of my own life. It seems every service speaks directly to me in ways that sometimes I find hard to accept but know that I must in order to grow spiritually and emotionally.
Right now Im at a crossroad and there are so many individual issues that require my attention and I feel that Im at the end of my rope.
1. my mother has been in a nursing facility for a little over a year and even though I work at said facility, my time is limited in how much I can spend with her and not have it affect my job (I do a data entry job of a 40 hr person on a 32 hr schedule) I have many places I need to be directly after work and by the time I manage to get everything done Im not only out of hours but Im dead tired and I feel horrible for not being with her more often. Im an only child with no backup system so everything falls to me and I find myself ill-prepared to handle it.
2. I have Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy which is a lifelong central nervous system disorder filled with daily challenges ranging from pain and stiffness to lack of sleep and poor motor skills on some day. I sustained this at work and have to deal with Workers Comp to get my care covered (granted they have given me alot) but still I must wait for everything and after 4 yrs and daily pain that has left with multiple scars and an implantable TENS unit in my butt, and yet still I feel pain in places they cannot reach with treatment so I'm waiting to undergo further treatment just to be able to manipulate my left side...again I must find patience.
3. Two teens both 15, need I say more...and a father who has never had the opportunity to learn how to be a dad but rather was left with a child to raise by himself at the age of 12. A son who has a host of issues that make his behavior difficult at best and a total chaos at worst. Its like wandering into a field of bombs when determining what each day will be like. Patience is hardest here because I was raised to NEVER disrespect your elders or parents and that was it! To hear some of the conversation that goes on makes my blood boil and its here I loose my shred of patience. Here I need to learn to hold my tongue and here I never can.
4.Finances..again, need I say more...with a new company being built and a mortgage that demands payment, short pay for the work I do and the long hours that others I live with put in, stress is high...Patience is needed to see bills to the end and maintain home for me and mine...
All of this piles on day after day and I look to see exactly where my patience is leading me. Right now, Im finding it hard to find the patience I had when everything seems to be demanding what little is in reserve. I did my meditation last night only to see that the plant Im nurturing (my spiritual/emotional self) seems to be lit on fire and withering away from the intense heat but if Im patient enough to look for the calming waters that lay ahead the clouds will part and there will be serenity. Its just getting to that serene water that seems to be the hardest and Im afraid nothing will be left of the plant within me that wants to grow if I dont find someway to harness the negative influences around me and turn them into a positive accomplishment....PATIENCE...Goddess Im truly trying!
Right now Im at a crossroad and there are so many individual issues that require my attention and I feel that Im at the end of my rope.
1. my mother has been in a nursing facility for a little over a year and even though I work at said facility, my time is limited in how much I can spend with her and not have it affect my job (I do a data entry job of a 40 hr person on a 32 hr schedule) I have many places I need to be directly after work and by the time I manage to get everything done Im not only out of hours but Im dead tired and I feel horrible for not being with her more often. Im an only child with no backup system so everything falls to me and I find myself ill-prepared to handle it.
2. I have Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy which is a lifelong central nervous system disorder filled with daily challenges ranging from pain and stiffness to lack of sleep and poor motor skills on some day. I sustained this at work and have to deal with Workers Comp to get my care covered (granted they have given me alot) but still I must wait for everything and after 4 yrs and daily pain that has left with multiple scars and an implantable TENS unit in my butt, and yet still I feel pain in places they cannot reach with treatment so I'm waiting to undergo further treatment just to be able to manipulate my left side...again I must find patience.
3. Two teens both 15, need I say more...and a father who has never had the opportunity to learn how to be a dad but rather was left with a child to raise by himself at the age of 12. A son who has a host of issues that make his behavior difficult at best and a total chaos at worst. Its like wandering into a field of bombs when determining what each day will be like. Patience is hardest here because I was raised to NEVER disrespect your elders or parents and that was it! To hear some of the conversation that goes on makes my blood boil and its here I loose my shred of patience. Here I need to learn to hold my tongue and here I never can.
4.Finances..again, need I say more...with a new company being built and a mortgage that demands payment, short pay for the work I do and the long hours that others I live with put in, stress is high...Patience is needed to see bills to the end and maintain home for me and mine...
All of this piles on day after day and I look to see exactly where my patience is leading me. Right now, Im finding it hard to find the patience I had when everything seems to be demanding what little is in reserve. I did my meditation last night only to see that the plant Im nurturing (my spiritual/emotional self) seems to be lit on fire and withering away from the intense heat but if Im patient enough to look for the calming waters that lay ahead the clouds will part and there will be serenity. Its just getting to that serene water that seems to be the hardest and Im afraid nothing will be left of the plant within me that wants to grow if I dont find someway to harness the negative influences around me and turn them into a positive accomplishment....PATIENCE...Goddess Im truly trying!