Last Day of Classes!!
Last day of classes!!!!!!!
NO MORE SENIORS!!!!!! (dont get me wrong, i <3 Ames seniors, but here they are like overgrown freshmen)
Mice in bathrooms >.<
500 McD's play place balls thrown in cafeteria (missed that fight got damnit lol)
3 more streakers
Penis on dome roof
Track completely trashed
Some kid flew through a windshield
did i mention no more seniors??
As you know if you have pretty much even heard my name before, sophmore year is "the year i moved, and Fargo sucks." Even though I dont really do very much, the things that have happened have pretty much scarred me for life. There are sort of groups that i wud place most things in so i might try to explain that way.
MOVING: Right away i pretty much realized how attached i am to Ames, not even the people, just the town. Its like... that is how things have always been... the layout and how everything runs, its how its supposed to be. For a while, actually for a really long time, Fargo felt like i was just on a long vacation. A really long horrible vacation in which i have to attend school, lol. I guess at first leaving wasnt so bad because i hadn't really been seeing much of my friends during the summer, and of the ones that i had been seeing, i really only cared about one.
SCHOOL: The first day of school was a terrible experience. It's not like i was angry/shy at first, i was just new, and since it was my class's first year of high school, nobody really noticed unless i told them. I met a few people, but nobody that was really interesting to me. My guidance councelor thought i was stupid, so i had to take all easy classes. All of my classes were just busywork and boredom, so i just spaced out for most of the year. You never really know what its like to move until you walk into a school of 2000 kids and you dont know ANYONE and no1 gives a damn. Even now at the end of the year, i could maybe tell u the names of 30 people and that doesn't mean i have ever talked to them. Well, it is my fault for not trying harder to make friends at school, but you fuckin move here and tell me how much you want to be friends with everyone.
ILLEGAL: Some time in October, i dont remember the date, i was arrested for illgal trespassing. Basically... i was at a party, i was drunk, i was stoned, i was chainsmoking, and i was not supposed to be there in the first place. Getting in trouble really changed my life, some would say for the best because i am clean now, but the reason i was always fucked up is because otherwise it was just dealing with being sad. So... take away the drugs, and i am jus sad without any distractions. It's not like i have been completely clean since the incident, but its been controlled alcohol, and i havent smoked. For about 7-8 months before that i was constantly doin something to get fucked up. Giving all that up was tough, especially because i had to give up my best friend and one of the only people that have ever truly understood and cared about me. Which goes into the next category....
FRIENDS: Moving pretty much meant goodbye to all of my friends. Talking online and on the phone and seeing people once every couple months is nice that i can do that, but its not enough, there is too much i missed with everyone. Well, i did find out who really gave a damn that i was gone, lol. I was banned from my best friend, not that we arent friends anymore, but you cant compare our relationship now to how it used to be. That was really hard, i dont want to get into too much detail. The strange thing is, the people i hung out with and thought were my friends, i ended up just pretty much "breaking up with" i guess, i dont know how else to word it, lol. The people that i am friends with now, or was a lil earlier but throughout this year, have mostly been friends that i randomly started talking to again after i moved. So if you're like "yeah we became better friends after you moved," yeah you and everyone else i talk to now, lol.
ATTITUDE: I dont know how to explain this other than just my attitude pretty much. Lately, like the past 3 years, i have been pretty sad most of the time, except for the break i had when i didnt really care if i was sad it was more like how much alcohol i had, lol. I met someone this year that helped me learn to deal with being sad (instead of just understanding, actually helped) and i am not sad 100% of the time. I dont even remember wat was said but it was literally like within a week i went from bein compeltely depressed to just fine. Now people just dont think i have emotions. You're right i barely care about anything, but the things i do care about i care about a lot whether or not i will ever admit it other than right here so if you missed it then thats too bad, lol.
and of course...
GUYS: I have liked 3 guys this year, and despite it all ending with me a little bitter and alone, lol, i guess i have learned quite a bit. The relationships, not friendships, were like nothing for the most part. 3 out of the 4 times i came to Ames i liked someone and etc. It happened 3 times basically the same exact way which is like HELLO WAKE UP STOP MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES TAMARA lol but no of course i thought it would be different every time. 3 times: "i cant wait till u come!!" .... "im gonna miss you, when are you coming back?" .... *ignoring period after i leave* .... "so... this isnt gonna work out..." :) I learned that i am capable of havin a completely physical relationship and then not giving a damn about the outcome, but also that i dont want to do shit with people i dont really know. On the other hand, i learned how much experimenting with a relationship and having it not work can murder your friendship if you are decently good friends to begin with, from both points of view. I learned that i dont know what love is, not romantic love at least. Also that i am not ready to have sex. Well, lol, not ready for the aftermath of sex. Not even getting pregnant or stds that just... i dont even want to think about that. I mean more like i am not ready for the emotional meaning that comes with sex. And i kno that sex can be completely meaningless and still be great, lol, but i dont think i want that (the meaningless part, not the great part, the great part is fine, lol). I dont want to wake up a few days later and just be the girl that someone used, i dont think i could deal with that yet. Maybe someday when im in a real relationship all will be well with the world, lol. Most of all though, i have learned that i dont trust guys as anything else other than friends. I know this is hard not to take personally but if you do i wish you wouldnt, its not your problem, its mine. I mean it was like 1 2 3, i just used you, i love you, and i changed my mind. How am i supposed to have any trust left? 2 of those relationships started out as friendships, and now one of those friendships is completely ruined and the other one i have no idea what is going on and im not sure i want to start asking questions.
After all this I still miss Ames, I still hate Fargo, and no im not gonna go out and change my life, but i am slowly learning to deal with changes because i dont really have a choice. lol CHANGE = scary word >.
NO MORE SENIORS!!!!!! (dont get me wrong, i <3 Ames seniors, but here they are like overgrown freshmen)
Mice in bathrooms >.<
500 McD's play place balls thrown in cafeteria (missed that fight got damnit lol)
3 more streakers
Penis on dome roof
Track completely trashed
Some kid flew through a windshield
did i mention no more seniors??
As you know if you have pretty much even heard my name before, sophmore year is "the year i moved, and Fargo sucks." Even though I dont really do very much, the things that have happened have pretty much scarred me for life. There are sort of groups that i wud place most things in so i might try to explain that way.
MOVING: Right away i pretty much realized how attached i am to Ames, not even the people, just the town. Its like... that is how things have always been... the layout and how everything runs, its how its supposed to be. For a while, actually for a really long time, Fargo felt like i was just on a long vacation. A really long horrible vacation in which i have to attend school, lol. I guess at first leaving wasnt so bad because i hadn't really been seeing much of my friends during the summer, and of the ones that i had been seeing, i really only cared about one.
SCHOOL: The first day of school was a terrible experience. It's not like i was angry/shy at first, i was just new, and since it was my class's first year of high school, nobody really noticed unless i told them. I met a few people, but nobody that was really interesting to me. My guidance councelor thought i was stupid, so i had to take all easy classes. All of my classes were just busywork and boredom, so i just spaced out for most of the year. You never really know what its like to move until you walk into a school of 2000 kids and you dont know ANYONE and no1 gives a damn. Even now at the end of the year, i could maybe tell u the names of 30 people and that doesn't mean i have ever talked to them. Well, it is my fault for not trying harder to make friends at school, but you fuckin move here and tell me how much you want to be friends with everyone.
ILLEGAL: Some time in October, i dont remember the date, i was arrested for illgal trespassing. Basically... i was at a party, i was drunk, i was stoned, i was chainsmoking, and i was not supposed to be there in the first place. Getting in trouble really changed my life, some would say for the best because i am clean now, but the reason i was always fucked up is because otherwise it was just dealing with being sad. So... take away the drugs, and i am jus sad without any distractions. It's not like i have been completely clean since the incident, but its been controlled alcohol, and i havent smoked. For about 7-8 months before that i was constantly doin something to get fucked up. Giving all that up was tough, especially because i had to give up my best friend and one of the only people that have ever truly understood and cared about me. Which goes into the next category....
FRIENDS: Moving pretty much meant goodbye to all of my friends. Talking online and on the phone and seeing people once every couple months is nice that i can do that, but its not enough, there is too much i missed with everyone. Well, i did find out who really gave a damn that i was gone, lol. I was banned from my best friend, not that we arent friends anymore, but you cant compare our relationship now to how it used to be. That was really hard, i dont want to get into too much detail. The strange thing is, the people i hung out with and thought were my friends, i ended up just pretty much "breaking up with" i guess, i dont know how else to word it, lol. The people that i am friends with now, or was a lil earlier but throughout this year, have mostly been friends that i randomly started talking to again after i moved. So if you're like "yeah we became better friends after you moved," yeah you and everyone else i talk to now, lol.
ATTITUDE: I dont know how to explain this other than just my attitude pretty much. Lately, like the past 3 years, i have been pretty sad most of the time, except for the break i had when i didnt really care if i was sad it was more like how much alcohol i had, lol. I met someone this year that helped me learn to deal with being sad (instead of just understanding, actually helped) and i am not sad 100% of the time. I dont even remember wat was said but it was literally like within a week i went from bein compeltely depressed to just fine. Now people just dont think i have emotions. You're right i barely care about anything, but the things i do care about i care about a lot whether or not i will ever admit it other than right here so if you missed it then thats too bad, lol.
and of course...
GUYS: I have liked 3 guys this year, and despite it all ending with me a little bitter and alone, lol, i guess i have learned quite a bit. The relationships, not friendships, were like nothing for the most part. 3 out of the 4 times i came to Ames i liked someone and etc. It happened 3 times basically the same exact way which is like HELLO WAKE UP STOP MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES TAMARA lol but no of course i thought it would be different every time. 3 times: "i cant wait till u come!!" .... "im gonna miss you, when are you coming back?" .... *ignoring period after i leave* .... "so... this isnt gonna work out..." :) I learned that i am capable of havin a completely physical relationship and then not giving a damn about the outcome, but also that i dont want to do shit with people i dont really know. On the other hand, i learned how much experimenting with a relationship and having it not work can murder your friendship if you are decently good friends to begin with, from both points of view. I learned that i dont know what love is, not romantic love at least. Also that i am not ready to have sex. Well, lol, not ready for the aftermath of sex. Not even getting pregnant or stds that just... i dont even want to think about that. I mean more like i am not ready for the emotional meaning that comes with sex. And i kno that sex can be completely meaningless and still be great, lol, but i dont think i want that (the meaningless part, not the great part, the great part is fine, lol). I dont want to wake up a few days later and just be the girl that someone used, i dont think i could deal with that yet. Maybe someday when im in a real relationship all will be well with the world, lol. Most of all though, i have learned that i dont trust guys as anything else other than friends. I know this is hard not to take personally but if you do i wish you wouldnt, its not your problem, its mine. I mean it was like 1 2 3, i just used you, i love you, and i changed my mind. How am i supposed to have any trust left? 2 of those relationships started out as friendships, and now one of those friendships is completely ruined and the other one i have no idea what is going on and im not sure i want to start asking questions.
After all this I still miss Ames, I still hate Fargo, and no im not gonna go out and change my life, but i am slowly learning to deal with changes because i dont really have a choice. lol CHANGE = scary word >.