Something We Can Both Agree On
A friend asked me recently, "Is it weird that when two queer people start really talking for the first time, the subject almost always turns to how lousy the cishets are?"
No. My firm answer is that it isn't strange in the slightest.
This is common among a lot of marginalized people; I know I've experienced it with many different groups I fit into. I suspect the main reason is that it's an easy shared experience to bond over. It's a pretty universal truth that a marginalized person has experienced prejudice at the hands of the people who hold social power over them, and so it means that's a natural common ground you have with others in that group. It's something you can talk about that you're virtually guaranteed to share.
So many things are divisive, down to the simplest of subjects. Let's talk about movies! No, not that genre, that one puts me to sleep. Music! Oh but that artist is so overrated. Okay, let's try books instead! What do you mean you "don't read"?
But bring up something a person can talk passionately about without much chance of judgment, and it allows for easy bonding. All the reward, none of the risk. And what's wrong with starting somewhere safe?
I've definitely had privileged people who've overheard these conversations complain that we're just an echo chamber. But isn't that really their fault? Maybe they should stop giving us those experiences to echo to one another.
And eventually, our conversations expand. We don't build entire relationships, real relationships, on shared complaints and venting. We talk about those difficult subjects: Cats or dogs. Coffee or tea. DC or Marvel. We move on.
But why should we feel guilty for finding commonality where we can? God knows privileged people have bonded over their mockery of us for millennia. We're taking back our power, just a little bit, while also managing to find camaraderie. We're building community connections, and assuring each other, "You are not alone." We are making friends, friends who understand some of the most difficult things we experience on a daily basis.
I'm glad to hear my voice echoed a little bit. I'm glad to be able to echo someone else's. I'm glad to be able to strengthen the bonds of those minority communities I'm a part of. And yes, I'm glad when I can eventually move on and say, without fear of judgment:
"Cats or dogs, it doesn't matter; all other animals are inferior to rabbits."
No. My firm answer is that it isn't strange in the slightest.
This is common among a lot of marginalized people; I know I've experienced it with many different groups I fit into. I suspect the main reason is that it's an easy shared experience to bond over. It's a pretty universal truth that a marginalized person has experienced prejudice at the hands of the people who hold social power over them, and so it means that's a natural common ground you have with others in that group. It's something you can talk about that you're virtually guaranteed to share.
So many things are divisive, down to the simplest of subjects. Let's talk about movies! No, not that genre, that one puts me to sleep. Music! Oh but that artist is so overrated. Okay, let's try books instead! What do you mean you "don't read"?
But bring up something a person can talk passionately about without much chance of judgment, and it allows for easy bonding. All the reward, none of the risk. And what's wrong with starting somewhere safe?
I've definitely had privileged people who've overheard these conversations complain that we're just an echo chamber. But isn't that really their fault? Maybe they should stop giving us those experiences to echo to one another.
And eventually, our conversations expand. We don't build entire relationships, real relationships, on shared complaints and venting. We talk about those difficult subjects: Cats or dogs. Coffee or tea. DC or Marvel. We move on.
But why should we feel guilty for finding commonality where we can? God knows privileged people have bonded over their mockery of us for millennia. We're taking back our power, just a little bit, while also managing to find camaraderie. We're building community connections, and assuring each other, "You are not alone." We are making friends, friends who understand some of the most difficult things we experience on a daily basis.
I'm glad to hear my voice echoed a little bit. I'm glad to be able to echo someone else's. I'm glad to be able to strengthen the bonds of those minority communities I'm a part of. And yes, I'm glad when I can eventually move on and say, without fear of judgment:
"Cats or dogs, it doesn't matter; all other animals are inferior to rabbits."