Search and Destroy
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I talked to you today because I couldn't take it anymore- I've dreamed of you *every night* for the past week, and it's wearing thin what little strength I have left. Am I wanting you so badly now because that's what I really feel, or is this simply the weakness of loneliness? How the fuck do I know the difference at this point? Gods, I would rather kill myself than hurt you further, and if I can help it, I won't just be with you because I need *anyone* by my side.. I want to be with you if I can be sure I will want *only* you.
It's important to note that for reasons I won't go into here, I have finally let go of Ashley in my mind. I can't feel anything for her anymore, save for a passing tenderness and experienced friendship. Like it was with Tessa before, it was like a light inside me finally burned out, after dimming and flickering for so long... The longing is gone now, and almost as soon as that happened, the dreams of Stevie started, from the most casual memories to the most intimate desires, the tracks and trails of my dreams have been like drugs. I wake up missing pieces, as if I had forgotten I was still alone here. And there's no way to know if it's truly what I want. Like layers in my mind, Stevie was there underneath, and finally letting go of Ashley brought her back to the surface again.
It worries me so much, because what if the reason that staying felt so wrong towards the end so few months ago was because I had not yet truly let go of feelings best left behind? What if now that I can say I'm truly free of it all, I could truly be happy and love again, with her? I'm trying to remind myself of the things that I did, or she did, that got me to where I knew it was time to break up. I knew she was starting to love me, and I knew I wasn't there, and wasn't sure if I ever would be. The commitment scared me, because I didn't want to cause undue pain where I could help it. There were other things, but it all seems more or less trivial, like something I can get past with enough work and time. And I wonder what things have changed in our lives that would be factors in making or breaking us if we did try again.
...this cannot be a case of "I have to try," because it's unacceptable to cause further damage to someone I care for. But I don't know what will get me to the point of being able to say what direction I will or won't go.
I wish I could talk to someone about this. Anyone here has their own opinion, and judgments based on perceptions of me, or her... When what I truly need is a bystander, someone who doesn't have the information to form an opinion based on those discriminating judgments.. And there simply is nobody like that here. Few come to mind *anywhere*.
Do you hold back and not go for what you want, and risk not being where you were meant to be, or do you take what you want in this moment, and risk carving a deeper wake in already damaged heart?
You have to do what feels right, don't you? And I did that, and it hurt, but I knew it had to be. Now, though, I want to go back to where I was, even knowing that I do not regret anything that got me to this point. And that doesn't even make sense to me!
I keep moving, and the path is still right here under my feet. I haven't fallen yet, which means I must still be where I'm supposed to be. I have faith in fate to take me where I'm going, but I don't have enough faith in myself to navigate the dark corners without tripping on the way there.
I want you, I miss you.. And I don't know what is real anymore.
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I talked to you today because I couldn't take it anymore- I've dreamed of you *every night* for the past week, and it's wearing thin what little strength I have left. Am I wanting you so badly now because that's what I really feel, or is this simply the weakness of loneliness? How the fuck do I know the difference at this point? Gods, I would rather kill myself than hurt you further, and if I can help it, I won't just be with you because I need *anyone* by my side.. I want to be with you if I can be sure I will want *only* you.
It's important to note that for reasons I won't go into here, I have finally let go of Ashley in my mind. I can't feel anything for her anymore, save for a passing tenderness and experienced friendship. Like it was with Tessa before, it was like a light inside me finally burned out, after dimming and flickering for so long... The longing is gone now, and almost as soon as that happened, the dreams of Stevie started, from the most casual memories to the most intimate desires, the tracks and trails of my dreams have been like drugs. I wake up missing pieces, as if I had forgotten I was still alone here. And there's no way to know if it's truly what I want. Like layers in my mind, Stevie was there underneath, and finally letting go of Ashley brought her back to the surface again.
It worries me so much, because what if the reason that staying felt so wrong towards the end so few months ago was because I had not yet truly let go of feelings best left behind? What if now that I can say I'm truly free of it all, I could truly be happy and love again, with her? I'm trying to remind myself of the things that I did, or she did, that got me to where I knew it was time to break up. I knew she was starting to love me, and I knew I wasn't there, and wasn't sure if I ever would be. The commitment scared me, because I didn't want to cause undue pain where I could help it. There were other things, but it all seems more or less trivial, like something I can get past with enough work and time. And I wonder what things have changed in our lives that would be factors in making or breaking us if we did try again.
...this cannot be a case of "I have to try," because it's unacceptable to cause further damage to someone I care for. But I don't know what will get me to the point of being able to say what direction I will or won't go.
I wish I could talk to someone about this. Anyone here has their own opinion, and judgments based on perceptions of me, or her... When what I truly need is a bystander, someone who doesn't have the information to form an opinion based on those discriminating judgments.. And there simply is nobody like that here. Few come to mind *anywhere*.
Do you hold back and not go for what you want, and risk not being where you were meant to be, or do you take what you want in this moment, and risk carving a deeper wake in already damaged heart?
You have to do what feels right, don't you? And I did that, and it hurt, but I knew it had to be. Now, though, I want to go back to where I was, even knowing that I do not regret anything that got me to this point. And that doesn't even make sense to me!
I keep moving, and the path is still right here under my feet. I haven't fallen yet, which means I must still be where I'm supposed to be. I have faith in fate to take me where I'm going, but I don't have enough faith in myself to navigate the dark corners without tripping on the way there.
I want you, I miss you.. And I don't know what is real anymore.