Today's Internet excursion: Defensive Weight and Executive Function
Today’s random digression was into the psychological response of ‘defensive weight’, where survivors of sexual trauma subconsciously put on weight in an attempt to make themselves unattractive to potential abusers. Which then let me on to reading about executive function in autism.
As a survivor, my response was to want to be physically strong and able to fight. It fitted neatly into my prepping and food hoarding as a psychological security blanket (there was a time in my life when I was literally starving and foraging in order to eat). So I thought, no, defensive weight gain; this isn’t me.
I’ve always assumed my inability to lose weight easily, aside from it being genetic (obesity is a family trait), is because I lack impulse-control, amongst other executive function issues.
While not all people with autism suffer from problems with executive function, many do, including myself. ‘Executive function’ covers organisation, inhibiting impulses, selective attention, sequencing, self-regulation, and completing goal-oriented activities. There is also apparently a link between poor executive function and dyspraxia, which I need to look into.
One assumption people make is that poor executive function (EF) means low intelligence, but this is really not the case. I fall foul of this assumption all the time; for example ordering food at an unfamiliar food bar - my problems with EF mean I often have problems ordering my thoughts and actions in a timeous manner, so I appear to freeze, or dither, or not know what I want, or get lost in the middle. I have all of the tools to order food, I simply can’t get them to work coherently. As a result, I’m often assumed to be mentally impeded, and treated as though I lack intelligence. Of course if I get angry or frustrated or ashamed, things just get worse.
There is an article by Steven Wertz (citation below) which I found quite good; although it is discussing children in particular, the range of EF difficulties they can face, and how EF difficulties can be understood, accommodated and treated (I hate that word, but I can’t think of a better one right now), these are issues that can and do continue on into adulthood to some degree or another.
Wertz highlights a few EF that are still an issue for me:
Organisation and planning memory - this is more cognitive organisation than activity planning. It’s about having the ability organise and remember in one’s own head the steps necessary to complete a task. It’s about organising mind, senses and body in the proper order. For me, it can be as basic as being able to remember how to climb off a wall, or tie my shoelaces, or successfully do the laundry, to more complex tasks like ordering food, booking a taxi, accommodating last minute changes in plans.
Impulse control - I was way worse for this when I was a kid, but it’s still a problem I have to work hard at. It’s going off and doing or investigating something that has suddenly caught my attention, when I’m supposed to be doing something else, or not being able to control emotional responses, or eating things for the enjoyment of eating them, even when I know I shouldn’t.
Shifting activities - difficulty transitioning from one activity to another. This can be simple stuff, like moving myself off of the sofa to go to the kitchen, or moving from a written to a numerical task. As Wertz observes, shifting takes time and effort, even if it’s shifting to an activity I’d rather do. This is why stuff at home has a tendency to take longer, and why work is so exhausting - my job involves lots of interruptions, lots of having to move from one task to another and back, which in itself can be challenging (and why I love working from home).
Emotional control - Such a big problem when I was a kid. While I am aware as an adult that every emotional response need not be acted on or displayed, and I want to self-regulate, even now, I frequently find myself unable to do so. Unless or course there is so much emotion that I simply can’t process it all, and I completely lock down.
Then I made a cuppa and began to wonder; could I be using ‘defensive weight’ to protect myself from sexual interest? Could the reason that I always self-sabotage myself when it comes to exercise and losing weight be not just an impulse control thing, but because I am not comfortable with people seeing me in sexual terms? Any time I meet someone new, I am always concerned that if they begin to show a real interest in me, they may become sexually attracted to me, and I can’t handle that. I know first-hand that since I put on weight, I get a lot less sexual interest. Most of the time now, it’s just from men thinking that they can sympathy f**k me; the kind that when I tell them no, tell me I should be grateful because I’m fat.
So the question becomes, if it isn’t just a failure in impulse control, if I am using defensive weight as armour for my asexuality, how can I feel secure in myself, secure against sexual advances, without needing to be/feel fat an unattractive?
This might be an interesting question for a head-doctor, when I next get to see one…
S. Wertz 2012 “Improving Executive Function In Children with Autism Spectrum” reproduced here: Disorder http://www.autism-programs.com/articles-on-autism/improving-executive-function.htm (last accessed 10/04/2016)
As a survivor, my response was to want to be physically strong and able to fight. It fitted neatly into my prepping and food hoarding as a psychological security blanket (there was a time in my life when I was literally starving and foraging in order to eat). So I thought, no, defensive weight gain; this isn’t me.
I’ve always assumed my inability to lose weight easily, aside from it being genetic (obesity is a family trait), is because I lack impulse-control, amongst other executive function issues.
While not all people with autism suffer from problems with executive function, many do, including myself. ‘Executive function’ covers organisation, inhibiting impulses, selective attention, sequencing, self-regulation, and completing goal-oriented activities. There is also apparently a link between poor executive function and dyspraxia, which I need to look into.
One assumption people make is that poor executive function (EF) means low intelligence, but this is really not the case. I fall foul of this assumption all the time; for example ordering food at an unfamiliar food bar - my problems with EF mean I often have problems ordering my thoughts and actions in a timeous manner, so I appear to freeze, or dither, or not know what I want, or get lost in the middle. I have all of the tools to order food, I simply can’t get them to work coherently. As a result, I’m often assumed to be mentally impeded, and treated as though I lack intelligence. Of course if I get angry or frustrated or ashamed, things just get worse.
There is an article by Steven Wertz (citation below) which I found quite good; although it is discussing children in particular, the range of EF difficulties they can face, and how EF difficulties can be understood, accommodated and treated (I hate that word, but I can’t think of a better one right now), these are issues that can and do continue on into adulthood to some degree or another.
Wertz highlights a few EF that are still an issue for me:
Organisation and planning memory - this is more cognitive organisation than activity planning. It’s about having the ability organise and remember in one’s own head the steps necessary to complete a task. It’s about organising mind, senses and body in the proper order. For me, it can be as basic as being able to remember how to climb off a wall, or tie my shoelaces, or successfully do the laundry, to more complex tasks like ordering food, booking a taxi, accommodating last minute changes in plans.
Impulse control - I was way worse for this when I was a kid, but it’s still a problem I have to work hard at. It’s going off and doing or investigating something that has suddenly caught my attention, when I’m supposed to be doing something else, or not being able to control emotional responses, or eating things for the enjoyment of eating them, even when I know I shouldn’t.
Shifting activities - difficulty transitioning from one activity to another. This can be simple stuff, like moving myself off of the sofa to go to the kitchen, or moving from a written to a numerical task. As Wertz observes, shifting takes time and effort, even if it’s shifting to an activity I’d rather do. This is why stuff at home has a tendency to take longer, and why work is so exhausting - my job involves lots of interruptions, lots of having to move from one task to another and back, which in itself can be challenging (and why I love working from home).
Emotional control - Such a big problem when I was a kid. While I am aware as an adult that every emotional response need not be acted on or displayed, and I want to self-regulate, even now, I frequently find myself unable to do so. Unless or course there is so much emotion that I simply can’t process it all, and I completely lock down.
Then I made a cuppa and began to wonder; could I be using ‘defensive weight’ to protect myself from sexual interest? Could the reason that I always self-sabotage myself when it comes to exercise and losing weight be not just an impulse control thing, but because I am not comfortable with people seeing me in sexual terms? Any time I meet someone new, I am always concerned that if they begin to show a real interest in me, they may become sexually attracted to me, and I can’t handle that. I know first-hand that since I put on weight, I get a lot less sexual interest. Most of the time now, it’s just from men thinking that they can sympathy f**k me; the kind that when I tell them no, tell me I should be grateful because I’m fat.
So the question becomes, if it isn’t just a failure in impulse control, if I am using defensive weight as armour for my asexuality, how can I feel secure in myself, secure against sexual advances, without needing to be/feel fat an unattractive?
This might be an interesting question for a head-doctor, when I next get to see one…
S. Wertz 2012 “Improving Executive Function In Children with Autism Spectrum” reproduced here: Disorder http://www.autism-programs.com/articles-on-autism/improving-executive-function.htm (last accessed 10/04/2016)