So yeah...wierd thing...
I should be right out tired right now but after rereading my last journal entry I'm pretty amazed at how well alcohol can absolutely destroy my emotional state. I was going to delete that entry, almost angry with myself that I even wrote it. But now that I'm sitting here I'm going to respond to myself as a friend, reaffirm that the things I said are not true. But I have to start with what dragged me down to begin with...and it surprised me more than anything and told me I was getting older.
All the talk about children just about burned my soul. I've been very honest with myself about kids, be they a relation like my niece Kayla or someone elses kids like the group I run D&D for every other Saturday. I enjoy it and the time trying to be a positive role model for them. It took me a while to realize this. I was always afraid of accidentally hurting someone because of my size and not knowing my own strength. I never rough housed with anyone of the pint sized nature. It's hard because I'm so big, and rather inexperienced with the whole thing. But I'm getting over it.
On that note it brings my own reality back to the center. I'll be 27 this year, I'm grossly over weight and not exactly a candidate for living into my 70's let alone even my late 50's. The rest of my health is fine besides the sleep apnea which is weight related as well. So I'm not totally down and out yet. But this brings me to me having my own children. Honestly I'd like two, preferably one of each gender. (It wont happen that way, but one can hope). And because I think about me and my health I'd like to have them by age 32. I don't want anyone to have to explain to my kids why daddy dropped dead. I don't want to miss those years, I don't want to leave them without a father.
It's funny talking about this when I'm not even in a relationship with anyone, but that's where it all hit home. It was poor subject matter for me while I was drinking, taking a great night and throwing it down the tubes. My mind disintegrated, I was 18 all over again and all the lessons I'd learned these last few years were stripped from me.
So now I'm looking at myself. I am not a loser. I am a better man. I will achieve my goals no matter what obstacles raise up in front of me. I will have what I want, go where I need to go and climb each peak to let you all know I am strong.
Every moment of weakness will be turned to strength. I will learn and let no one pull me down.
Jacob
P.S. Love you Kayla....
And yes, that is me under there...haha.
All the talk about children just about burned my soul. I've been very honest with myself about kids, be they a relation like my niece Kayla or someone elses kids like the group I run D&D for every other Saturday. I enjoy it and the time trying to be a positive role model for them. It took me a while to realize this. I was always afraid of accidentally hurting someone because of my size and not knowing my own strength. I never rough housed with anyone of the pint sized nature. It's hard because I'm so big, and rather inexperienced with the whole thing. But I'm getting over it.
On that note it brings my own reality back to the center. I'll be 27 this year, I'm grossly over weight and not exactly a candidate for living into my 70's let alone even my late 50's. The rest of my health is fine besides the sleep apnea which is weight related as well. So I'm not totally down and out yet. But this brings me to me having my own children. Honestly I'd like two, preferably one of each gender. (It wont happen that way, but one can hope). And because I think about me and my health I'd like to have them by age 32. I don't want anyone to have to explain to my kids why daddy dropped dead. I don't want to miss those years, I don't want to leave them without a father.
It's funny talking about this when I'm not even in a relationship with anyone, but that's where it all hit home. It was poor subject matter for me while I was drinking, taking a great night and throwing it down the tubes. My mind disintegrated, I was 18 all over again and all the lessons I'd learned these last few years were stripped from me.
So now I'm looking at myself. I am not a loser. I am a better man. I will achieve my goals no matter what obstacles raise up in front of me. I will have what I want, go where I need to go and climb each peak to let you all know I am strong.
Every moment of weakness will be turned to strength. I will learn and let no one pull me down.
Jacob
P.S. Love you Kayla....
And yes, that is me under there...haha.