CHANGE! >.< *hides*
I of all people HATE change. My sister called me and she said something i kind of been avoiding, like when she visits me, I leave with her to go back to where she lives.....its only a year..I'M going to so miss my mom I ll mourn in black clothing FOREVER, even though its really hot there in Oregon, and Ill end up like overheating...Il just bring a jug of water wherever I go. Minimum wage is like 7.50 an hour there, and the fact that she knows that I'm saving up for college is like my weakness...Anyway i found the tres parfait gift for A.J. for his b day. I just have to wait on one detail.....Its so ausome. :D I hope he likes it, and not that lame excuse "I like it because YOU got it for me" gag attack. Anyway Today was cool, A.J. called me outta the blue, i was actually debating whether to be lazy or active for the remainder of the day, and he interuppted me, HOW dare him! XD jk, I mean He wanted to hang out and stuff but our schedules clash, its a common thing, I mean he is busy , I am busy , we're just a bunch of bee's....I could get out of the missionary visit if I wanted too, I just made it sound super important so Id have an excuse to NOT see that Star Wars movie...OH MY GOODNESS I'm so greatful he's not a star wars freak , when I heard on the radio that they're were people waiting in line for 3 days....ITs just weird, you could just wait till the 3rd showing, ITS not going to go anywhere *rollz eyes* Ill end up prolly going with him, Dad and mom usually get on my case about the missionary visits, but that was until I became a missionary myself, and actually been calling them for help n such. I kinda just calle dmom and told her about that movie thing that A.J. was going on about and she like loosened the leashe on that. This is the part which goes sticky, because now I have to decide whether to be coniving and sneaky and not update that lil piece of news to A.J....or tell him, and ofcourse Ill tell him, I'm spending time with him, so I guess it doesnt matter. Who knows maybe this movie will be the best thing that I ever saw (not likely, but good to hope). Oh well that's all I have to say for now. OH btw I went with tim on his thrift store escapades..........he got me to try on a prom dress........that is like the memory OF HELL....(they say it in the bible, so I can say it too) I mean I looked pretty sexah in it, if I do say so myself, but its like, the waist fit snug...but the higher the dress went, the more...............unmodest I felt.PLUS prom thing and me is like oil and water honey, I felt liek I was betraying my image....Who know maybe when I'm maried and tied down, I can wear that stuff, i got the body for it XD OM goodness this is bad, I'm morman, I need to think morman...........but who;s perfect? I DARE YOU to say that you are! Another thing is, I'm suspecting that they're are a few mystery readers who read my journal....because a few ppl at school seem to know a lot about me, and I always usually have a painted face on, the only ppl who have ever seen it fully gone, was A.J. and Tim.....THose are like the 2 important men in my life, they saved me from condemning men forever. My family is great, dont get me wrong...but sometiems they really cut you deep with stuff that they do and say, I always kinda felt like a doormat, letting them rant and rave (we're Irish) and I'd take it, but I just feel alil out of place, alil not center... they dont mean any harm, they just dont know how much I hurt, its my fault for supressing it, then I go run to tim or A.J....Man I sound like a puny whiner...But who can stand up and not relay on anyone I'd liek to know, who is capable of doing everything by themselves, I know I used to think that way, and that's where I did the most damage, never asked god for help, because Id think I was weak, never told anyone how I was feeling, or anything, and because of that stuff happend that seriously got messed up, and now I'm still in the process of gluing the pieces together. O wells, I've been basically stabbed in the back, my first best friend Chris, was the first to go, we're on speaking terms but it'll never be like it was before. I think of him as family
he someone I can hug and feel .......brotherness too, but he will never feel the same way. I dont think i ever flirted with him, Id jsut beat him up and talk about stuff.Jessica exploded on me about stuff, i dont know what her issues are, actually I kinda do, I just hope she can find peace with herself. Tim, has this 6th sense, like even when I'm trying to pretend I'm happy he can tell, he's the sister I NEVER had..lol Im so glad he doesnt read this, he just has feminine...........no...softer qualities about him...Sometimes, I feel so ashamed in saying this, i get jealous of him, because I kinda............I feel beautiful when I'm with A.J. and when I'm with tim and wew itness ausome things, like when the ice was melting and it started to break,a nd you could hear the flowing water and see the ice move, it looked like glaciers, I kinda wishe A.J. was there with me. I'm definatly not basing my self esteem on meh bf, mom keeps accusing me of it, i swear, if she ever had it her way Id be locked up in a cave or something, she just so ARGH difficult sometimes. A.J. and I before we ever decided to hook up, were really close, best buds, to this day he knows all the things that run through my mind, not in great detail, I just feel comfort with him, and he makes me laugh, I miss laughing ya know? Oh well I feel all girly now, *diseaseness* Oh well I feel so relaxed now that I spilled my guts. I think I'm prolly going to stay with my sister, one we need to get together and seriously sort some stuff out, because I found out something that I had no idea killed our relationship , and this is my chance to rebuild it, I love her, she was my romodel, i looked up to her, I wa slike 8 - 10 when she split on me, and I found it as a personal assult, i hated Aaron from taking her away from me, and he knew it, now we on good terms but its still lingers. the fact that Janine left made me want to revolt (rebel) so I tried to become my own person, find my own shell. It just seems ........harder, but finding my own way with help ofcourse (God, bf, friends) help me feel strengthened. Thats all for today!
he someone I can hug and feel .......brotherness too, but he will never feel the same way. I dont think i ever flirted with him, Id jsut beat him up and talk about stuff.Jessica exploded on me about stuff, i dont know what her issues are, actually I kinda do, I just hope she can find peace with herself. Tim, has this 6th sense, like even when I'm trying to pretend I'm happy he can tell, he's the sister I NEVER had..lol Im so glad he doesnt read this, he just has feminine...........no...softer qualities about him...Sometimes, I feel so ashamed in saying this, i get jealous of him, because I kinda............I feel beautiful when I'm with A.J. and when I'm with tim and wew itness ausome things, like when the ice was melting and it started to break,a nd you could hear the flowing water and see the ice move, it looked like glaciers, I kinda wishe A.J. was there with me. I'm definatly not basing my self esteem on meh bf, mom keeps accusing me of it, i swear, if she ever had it her way Id be locked up in a cave or something, she just so ARGH difficult sometimes. A.J. and I before we ever decided to hook up, were really close, best buds, to this day he knows all the things that run through my mind, not in great detail, I just feel comfort with him, and he makes me laugh, I miss laughing ya know? Oh well I feel all girly now, *diseaseness* Oh well I feel so relaxed now that I spilled my guts. I think I'm prolly going to stay with my sister, one we need to get together and seriously sort some stuff out, because I found out something that I had no idea killed our relationship , and this is my chance to rebuild it, I love her, she was my romodel, i looked up to her, I wa slike 8 - 10 when she split on me, and I found it as a personal assult, i hated Aaron from taking her away from me, and he knew it, now we on good terms but its still lingers. the fact that Janine left made me want to revolt (rebel) so I tried to become my own person, find my own shell. It just seems ........harder, but finding my own way with help ofcourse (God, bf, friends) help me feel strengthened. Thats all for today!