Feb 11, 2008 18:55
So tomorrow's my birthday which I havent looked forward too since my 19th birthday. As soon as I stopped being a teenager birthdays for me turned into the biggiest cry fest ever. I cry because someone didnt call me, I cry because I'm not doing anything cool, I cry because I am 1 year older from the last time I cried because I was 1 year older. I can't help but think that life is one big tease sometimes. when I was high once I remember thinking that life seemed like a cruel joke. You go through years and years of learning, training, growing and then you die. That information never carries on with you to the next life either. You have to start all over again like in mario one. You would spend so much time getting to such a high level and then it's game over and fuck! You have to start all over again as little mario on level one. But even thats cooler because atleast you know what to expect on level one. I just feel like we should be able to choose when we die because if that were possible the evolution of humanity could come quicker and then the world wouldnt have to end because we would have a better understanding of how it worked to begin with. We as humans could surpass what we have gotten to a billion times before we croked and started over. In 100 years we could obtain so much knowledge that even our skin couldn't hold us back and we would just become balls of energy floating around constantly evolving, loving, knowing... (minus the image of the body parts everywhere)
population control??? I havent gotten that far yet I just know I don't want to die and it sucks that I have to eventually... OR! if information could carry on to the next life I could start at birth knowing all of this information and just move on from there. At age 5 I could save endangered animals, at 20 I could save the world.
Skin does wither so if I have to die just to get a new pair of pajamas, fine, if I knew that were the case maybe then I wouldn't fear so much... I have had so much time to think about all these concepts...they never stop orbiting my brain, it's a curse.
Andrew and I have been arguing and making up alot lately. I think we fight sometimes just to make up. If your around eachother as much as me and him are you start taking things for granted, comfort=boredom When we argue , like today for example, I thought to myself.. "fuck man, I can tell he is getting sick of my shit" Which scared me because it was followed by the natural thought of " this kid is going to leave me before the night is through" And bam! your thrown out of your comfort zone so fast you don't even know what hit you. All you know is there is a sence of panic, a sence of wanting to fix things, make it better, please don't leave I dont know what I would do sort of bit. You even start feeling like they are already gone and it's pain. Making up=appreciation. Everything you do from the making up point on feels amazing.. Even just passing by them, grazing shirt sleeves, sleeping on the same feather's ball together is incredable. This cycles through like a clothes washer until it eventually fades the colors or strengthens them, either way, it's survival of the fittest.
Then there was a comparision today that involved me and sir Anthony Russo himself This made me cry instantly and as far as a mental check it woke me up a bit. It hurt to hear how I was being and it hurt to hear who I was being compared to but I feel at a kind of calm right now. I guess because I feel like there is apart of me that absoulutely needs to change and I didn't even notice it before. I feel good.. I have a good feeling <3
Kristen- I hope you are not mad and I hope it all worked out for the best<3