New Fic: Years May Go By (G)
Title: Years May Go By
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard - includes the Millers
Genre: Future Fic
Rating: G
Words: ~4,100
Warnings/Spoilers: see author notes
Beta: I want to thank my wonderful betas,
sonadorita and
girly_curl_3, for their invaluable insight and advice. ::hugs you both::
Summary: Maddie was no stranger to sleeping in hospitals, although the waiting area would be a new experience. She'd stay because her mother and father would come straight there, and she needed to have a word with her mother before letting her see Uncle Mer.
A/N: This is one of the stories in my "Miller-verse," which began with The Ceremony. These fics can be found here. This particular story is the sequel to The Fallacy of Time and actually the second part of that trilogy. Most of you have read 'Fallacy' and if not, it's sort of necessary that you read it first. 'Years' takes place immediately after the events of that fic. As for warnings - 'Fallacy' is not a death!fic, per se. It's a future fic with the character death occurring before the events of the fic. As I said about 'Fallacy' - there's a lot of love in the fic and the same is true with this one. 'Years' has angst and family drama, but again, the love is what I think shines through the most and it is happy in the end. That said, I realize and respect that there are those who will choose not to read it, but obviously, I hope you will.
Years May Go By
Sitting in the antiseptic waiting area, she wondered what it was that had made her turn around and go back. She tried to think, but her head was full to bursting with thoughts, with what-ifs, with would they please come in and tell them something!
Madison stood and walked over to gaze blindly at the darkness on the other side of the window - something else seemed to be reflected in the glass: her fumbling for the right key, the sinking feeling when she saw that Uncle John's place was still set at the table and the sheer stab of panic at the stark white of the envelopes laced with Uncle Mer's handwriting: Jeannie and Madison - the blur that had her pushing the emergency number on her cell even before she'd reached the top of the stairs, the sheer silence of the house and opening that door.
An ambulance screamed out of the Emergency bay. The sound and light edged through the haze and brought her back to the present. She knew she was uselessly beating herself up for leaving her uncle to begin with. Still, how could she not have seen it? She should have never left him alone, not tonight. But that was just it, if it hadn't been tonight, would it have been some other? Some other night when she wouldn't have been close, when she couldn’t have gotten there in time. No. She was not going to think that way. She closed her eyes and murmured a silent prayer of thanks that it hadn't ended like that.
Madison paced in front of the small row of seats. At least her status as a doctor counted for something: they were being allowed to wait in a private waiting area. She'd already been back to the ER and the ICU, but felt she really needed to be with her family at the moment. The doctors and nurses were taking good care of her Uncle; she'd made sure of that.
Cameron was asleep, his head on his dad's lap and Ferris was coloring quietly. He was being a real trooper. It was late and he was on the verge of falling asleep himself, but the worry in his small brown eyes wouldn't let him. Neither Uncle Mer nor Uncle John had ever shown a preference with her boys, but there had always been an unmistakable closeness between Uncle Mer and Ferris.
She looked at Thomas, who was smiling a pinched little smile she knew was just for her. A buck-up smile that, in his infinite optimism, meant to say it's going to be all right, and that said everything in the world about why she loved him so much. As she held his gaze, she thought about spending more than twenty-five years of her life with this wonderful man only to have him taken away from her suddenly and without warning. How would she feel? She realized then that she never really understood what Uncle Mer must have gone through - day after day in that house, but how could she have? Maybe that was how she'd missed the signals that should have shone like beacons through a fog.
A weak, tired, and tight smile was all she could return to her husband and she felt a stab of guilt, or maybe shame, because she really believed she and her family had compensated for the loss of Uncle John. She shook her head at the naiveté of that way of thinking.
The soft push of the door made her turn around.
Uncle Mer would spend the night in ICU, because she had requested it and because they wanted to monitor his blood pressure during the night to make sure it was stable before they moved him to a regular hospital room. Maddie nodded her thanks. She couldn't trust her words not to come out amidst uncontrolled sobs.
When the nurse returned to her station, Maddie walked over and bent down to kiss Thomas, then Ferris, combing her fingers through Cam's tousled curls.
"Why don't you and the boys go on home," she suggested.
"Mom," Ferris whined. "I wanna see Uncle Mer."
"Sweetie, Uncle Mer's going to be sleeping all night and we don't want to disturb him. We'll see him tomorrow, how's that?"
He looked up from his coloring with his sleep-laden eyes and simply said, "Okay."
Thomas made a valiant effort to argue with her, but lost. There really was little anyone could do. Maddie was no stranger to sleeping in hospitals, although the waiting area would be a new experience. She'd stay because her mother and father would come straight there, and she needed to have a word with her mother before letting her see Uncle Mer.
~~~~
The years hadn't changed her mother and father much. Sometimes, it felt to Madison as if she was the only one time had affected. Oh, there were the gray hairs and a few more laugh lines in both of their faces, but generally the years had been kind to them. Though, from where Madison sat, her mother was a wreck.
Tendrils of ashy blonde hair, laced with wild, go-their-own-way grays, fell gracefully from the twisted knot atop Jeannie's head to frame a face punctuated by red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. The tissue, obsessively ironed between her fingers, was ragged, the dampness probably all that held it together and Madison felt her mother trembling as she took the busy hands in hers.
"He's going to be all right, Mother," she said, trying to sound professional and authoritative, as if Jeannie might not accept it any other way.
"But, why?" Jeannie asked. "Why would he do something like this? Why didn't you-why did you leave him? Didn't you-" Kaleb's hand on her shoulder stopped the flow of words Madison had anticipated. She looked at her father with the same understanding expression they'd shared so many times in the past.
"You see? This is exactly why I wanted to speak with you first," Madison said. Kaleb removed his hand and sat down beside his wife. "Uncle Mer does not need this from you."
Jeannie finally looked her daughter in the eye, then immediately bowed her head, leaning into Kaleb. "I know you mean well," Madison continued, "and you're just thinking about him, but-"
Jeannie whipped around to face her daughter. "I loved John just as much as anyone, young lady, so don't you start with me. But Mer staying in that house, alone, with all of John's things-even his clothes for God's sake. That's-that's just not healthy." Jeannie pressed the sodden tissue back to her eyes.
Maddie sighed and reached to the table beside her, fluffing out several tissues from the box and handing them to Jeannie. "And what about the things he can't see, Mother? The memories, the sound of Uncle John's voice, how's he supposed to erase that? It's not as easy as packing things in a box and hauling them off. He needs time."
"I never said I wanted him to erase anything. I just-can't bear to watch him do this to himself-and now, and now-this." She blew her nose with one of the fresh tissues.
"Well, this isn't about you. And if you drag him home with you like I know you want to, what do you think that will do to him?" Maddie's voice rose slightly. "If you take him away from that house, this will happen again, and I'm telling you here and now, I will do everything in my power to see that it doesn't." She got up, mostly to get a good deep breath and some distance. Of all the disagreements they'd had in the past, this wasn't about them, wasn't about who cared more for Uncle Mer, it was about what was best for him and she was determined not to let anything distract them from that.
Kaleb put his arm around his wife. "Mads is right, Jeannie. Everyone has their own grieving process and we have to let Rodney navigate through his."
"By killing himself?" Jeannie asked incredulously.
Her mother's shrill voice stung like salt in a wound. "Mother!" Madison whirled around and stared at her. Angry at Jeannie because she'd dared to speak the truth; angry at herself because even though she knew it, she hadn't let the bluntness of it sink in.
Jeannie turned to Kaleb. "It doesn't surprise me that you're siding with her."
"I am not siding with her. There are no sides here, Jeannie. She's right. The one thing Rodney needs right now is to know that his family cares about him and that he's loved and needed."
"And if you can't do that, Mom," Maddie said. "I won't let you see him."
Jeannie's breath caught as she tried to say something, but she just curled into her husband's arms, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably.
~~~~
A shiver rippled through Jeannie when she finally stepped into the bright, sunny room. She hadn't seen her brother in a hospital bed since his appendix operation, or had it been the time he fell off the roof trying to boost their television reception. At any rate, he looked as small and scared now as he had then.
Madison had been in first, to prepare him, Jeannie thought, and that was probably why he wouldn't look at her as she walked up to the bed.
"Mer?" She reached out and took his hand, careful of the IV.
He didn't respond right away, but finally gave her hand a faint squeeze. "Jeannie. How's Kaleb? How's work? I hope you aren't missing an important conference for this."
The tone of his voice knotted her stomach even more. Her career choice had been a bone of contention between the two for years. She thought it was because he secretly wished he'd taken the job instead of recommending her, something he'd always vehemently denied. She'd forever lament the competitiveness between them, wondering why that seemed to overshadow the closeness they'd shared as children. "No," she answered. "I'm between consultations right now and Kaleb is doing well. He's here with me."
Rodney nodded.
"Can I ask why, Mer?" she asked after a moment.
He pulled his hand back and laid it on his chest. "You can ask anything you like. But don't you mean why did I do such a stupid thing? Why am I putting you through this, putting Maddie through this? Why am I only thinking of myself?"
"I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to."
"Jesus, Mer, just because I said you might feel better if you packed a few things up, donated them, got them out of the house so you wouldn't-"
Rodney closed his eyes, which only seemed to deepen the dark wells beneath them. "Christ, Jeannie, please don't start. I realize what I did was extreme, and yes, it probably was a stupid thing to do, but make no mistake," he finally turned to look at her. "I knew what I was doing and I went about it in a rational manner, at least as rationally as I could with the way I feel. I intended to-"
"But did you spare one thought for what it would have done to me if you'd succeeded? Did you think about what it would have done to Maddie, to the boys?"
"God, you sound just like her. No, Jeannie, I really didn't stop to think about your feelings, obviously, and it sort of defeats the purpose to ask your family's permission to commit suicide."
"Mer!" The words, out in the open, cut like a dull knife - not a quick, clean slice, but blunt, dragging and painful. Subtlety wasn't a trait either of them possessed.
He turned away from her again. "What did you mean?" she asked quietly. "I sound like who?"
"Whom," he corrected. "And I think you know."
Her face reddened and grew hot. She did know. He'd said the same thing many times over the years; she just couldn't believe he wanted to bring it up now. She'd caught herself at times, especially with Maddie, the same tone of voice, the same inflections, sometimes even the same words their mother used. Every time, the words had been out before she'd known it. Words that hurt, words with sharp edges, words of blithe indifference. And every time, she'd felt possessed, like something foreign had invaded her, the words spilling forth in an alien tongue. Still she denied it. "I do not sound like her," she said quietly, pulling up an uncomfortable looking chair.
"Sure you do. If I can sound pragmatic and 'holier than thou' like Dad, you can sound like Mom. It happens to everyone, Jeannie. Like it or not, we all become our parents at some point."
She stared at him; it felt strange to have her own words thrown back at her. She'd accused him more than once of being like their father using those very terms. "That still doesn't explain why, Mer."
"What difference does it make? What answer could I possibly give you so you'd understand?"
"You're not the only one who misses him," she said defensively, chin rising in that McKay fashion. "I loved John too."
"Don't talk about what you don't know, Jeannie. You have no idea how I feel."
"Well, I'm sorry, I don't like what it's doing to you. You think I like seeing you like this? It's not good for you. Whether you know it or not, whether you believe it or not… I don't want to lose you. I love you, Mer." She stood and smoothed the thinning hair back from his temple, trying to ignore the brightness in his eyes. "Can't you see that?"
Rodney was unresponsive, but as she lowered her hand, he grabbed it and held it to his chest. "I love you too, Jeannie," he said after a moment.
Pulling his hand to her cheek, she pressed her lips to it. "I know, Mer. I know."
~~~~
Madison looked up when her mother came through the heavy waiting room door. All the emotion of the past twenty-four hours welled up inside her as Jeannie came to her and threw her arms around her, clinging to her, wailing sobs filling the small room. Maddie held her mother. Jeannie seemed so tiny and vulnerable in her arms and Maddie couldn't hope to hold back her own tears any longer.
"Take care of him, Maddie," Jeannie sobbed. "You and the boys take care of him, please."
~~~~
Her uncle was standing at the window when she cracked the door open. She swallowed hard at the way the ridiculous hospital gown seemed to swallow him. "Are you supposed to be out of bed?" she asked, walking into the warm, sunlit room.
"What're they going to do?" he asked evenly. "I'm fine. Actually, my doctor should have released me by now." He looked pointedly at her.
She walked over to stand beside him. "Technically, Doctor Skarsgård is your treating physician, so it's really up to him."
Rodney waved his hand dismissively. "How's your Mom?"
"She'll be okay. You two got into it, didn't you? I told her I wouldn't let her-"
He turned to her. "It was my fault, kiddo. I wasn't very pleasant." He smirked. "So what else is new, right? I probably caused a lot of trouble for you though."
Madison sat down on the wide windowsill and looked up at her uncle. "We talked. Things are going to be better. She said you wouldn't tell her why. You mind me asking?"
Rodney stood there looking over her head out the window. "I'd rather not say," he said flatly.
"You're really sorry you didn't do it, aren't you?"
He snorted. "There's no way any of you can understand."
"I realize that Uncle Mer, but let me tell you something. Last night I stood there in that waiting room and took a good look at my husband and sons. And I thought about how I'd feel if after twenty-five years Thomas was suddenly taken away from me. I don't know if I could handle it either. I wouldn't want to live another day, but I'd have to because I'd still have Ferris and Cam. Think of what it would do to them to lose both of us?"
Rodney picked at the worn hospital gown, worrying a loose thread at his elbow.
"Mom's right you know. You didn't think about us at all. My God, Uncle Mer, how do you think I felt when I found you? How was I supposed to explain that to two boys who think you hung the moon and the stars? One who still asks when Uncle John's coming back?" Her hands trembled to match her voice as she clasped and unclasped them in her lap.
Rodney bowed his head. "I am sorry, Mads."
"Yeah, sorry I came back and saved your ass," she said matter-of-factly.
He did look at her then and from his expression, she knew she'd drawn blood and it scared her. She jumped up and reached for him.
His eyes welled with tears. "Jesus, Maddie. You sounded just like-" He drew a long shuddering breath. "God, I miss him so much. I did-I do, I just want to die-I don't know how to live without him." He went limp in her arms and she held him fast, as if somehow, through her sheer will and the strength of her embrace, she could protect him, shield him from any more hurt, ever.
"Oh, God, Uncle Mer. Don't you see? How did you expect us to learn to live without you?" Maddie's words stuttered out between sobs as she buried her face in his neck. "I miss Uncle John, too, but I don't want to lose you-I can't. I'll help you Uncle Mer, please, please let me help you."
Rodney drew back and took her face in his hands. "Maddie, oh God, I'm so sorry," he said, gently thumbing away her tears. Then he kissed her cheek. "I'm so sorry."
They stood that way for a long time.
Maddie's tiny voice finally broke the silence. "So, you promise you'll never think about doing this again?" She searched his face and held her breath.
The truth shone in those sad blue eyes. "No," he said, shaking his head. "I can't promise that. I'll do my best, but I can't promise."
She nodded. "I expected as much. Well then, we'll just have to make sure you have no reason to think that way any more."
"I love you, short stuff."
She snorted a laugh, spraying her uncle with tears that had found the corners of her mouth, their salty trails still stinging her cheeks.
~~~~
Willow Grove Summit. Maddie loves this street, always has, but somehow this trip up the scenic drive is particularly satisfying. She turns the car off and sits for a moment, looking at the house. In a few weeks, the yard will be a veritable artist's pallet, the vine maples dressed in vivid scarlet, a lush backdrop to the long, yellow fingers of the willows hovering over the fall blooms and the green of the perennials.
Uncle Mer had really taken to the gardening, probably because he knew Uncle John would be pissed if he let everything die. And this was no small feat for a man who could doom the heartiest of plants in two galaxies.
They're all outside as she gets out of the car; the boys fly remote control airplanes under Uncle Mer's careful and watchful eye as he does the watering. Cam starts his first year of school in less than a week. After spending their summers here the past three years, Rodney freely admits to Maddie that they have the run of the house, and he never stops chiding her about the boys' atrocious taste in music.
Their things are already packed and set out inside the front door. She stands in the hallway between the foyer and the front room, letting the old familiar warmth of the house enfold her, thankful to have it back again. She listens to the renewed sounds of life - the gentle strains of Bill Evans floating from the den, Uncle Mer grousing about peanut butter and jelly smeared on the kitchen counter, the immediate and adamant denial of her youngest. She smiles and heads for the kitchen.
"Yeah, well, it wasn't me," Rodney says, noticing Maddie's presence. "And your brother doesn't eat jelly, so that leaves you, short stuff."
"Stop calling me that," Cam whines, sidling over to stand beside his mother. "I'm big. I'm going to school just like Ferris."
Rodney walks around the counter and kisses Maddie's cheek. "Well I've been to school. Your Mom's been to school, you think that makes you special?"
Cam looks at Rodney, his bottom lip poking out just a little. "You're too old to go to school."
"Believe it or not, kiddo, I was young just like you once… only I was taller," Rodney says, ruffling the dark shocks of Cam's hair.
"Mom!"
"Cameron, Uncle Mer is just teasing you," she says, thinking he'd be used to it by now.
They both watch him sling his bag over his shoulder and head for the door.
"Hey Cam," Rodney calls, waiting until he's almost all the way down the hall. When he turns around, Rodney smiles and holds out his arms. "Who needs a hug?" The teasing apparently forgotten, his bag dropped in the hall, Cam runs to Rodney to be swept up amid delighted squeals.
As they walk outside, the boys run ahead of them and jostle for position in the car. "Listen Mads, I've written down the subjects Ferris needs to be thinking about taking in the next few years. If his school doesn't offer them at his grade level, there are plenty of good private academies we can get him into. Just let me-"
Maddie takes the list and scans it quickly. "Uncle Mer, they don't offer the higher mathematics until the eighth grade, and the lowest grade level basic physics is offered is the tenth, and that's only if you meet the prerequisites and have the approval of the faculty."
"Yes, I know that, I just said-"
"You know all he's ever talked about is flying."
"Exactly. But why just fly planes when he could design them, build them?" Rodney points out. "Even better, why fly planes when he could fly intergalactic craft?" Maddie's heart warms at the animation in her Uncle's voice. "I'm telling you the kid's a natural with numbers, a genius. I've also given him a reading list, just a few books. He'll be ready for them in no time."
"Are these all academic books?" she asks, looking sideways at him.
"No. No, there's some others there too. You'll, um, probably have to go to the library for some of them. I don't think they offer the old science fiction classics as ebooks or whatever the hell passes for books these days. And those-those are just the ones John didn't have."
"You're giving him Uncle John's books?"
"Well, not all of them," he says through that pinched, don't-be-so-annoying look.
Madison smiles. "You're too good to them, Uncle Mer."
Rodney shrugs. "You're too good to me, too, so what? Now remember, I'm off to see your Mom in a couple of days, but I'll call you when I get back. The boys can come over and stay the weekend."
She starts to say something, but his cell phone interrupts them. He fishes it out of his pocket and slips on his glasses at the same time, checking the number. "Your Mom," he says, rolling his eyes and flipping the phone open.
Madison leans over to kiss his cheek and hug him. "Love you," she mouths and he nods and waves to the boys.
Before she backs out of the driveway, she watches him for a moment - talking, free hand flailing in the air, his face animated. Probably something to do with work. They'd begun collaborating on a few things and the visit in a few days was the two of them attending a conference together as guest speakers.
Maddie thinks how different things are now, how different her uncle is from the man who wouldn't leave the house for months after Uncle John died, the man she left standing there waving a few years ago.
Time really has healed him, for the most part. Time has finally healed them all.
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard - includes the Millers
Genre: Future Fic
Rating: G
Words: ~4,100
Warnings/Spoilers: see author notes
Beta: I want to thank my wonderful betas,
sonadorita and
girly_curl_3, for their invaluable insight and advice. ::hugs you both::
Summary: Maddie was no stranger to sleeping in hospitals, although the waiting area would be a new experience. She'd stay because her mother and father would come straight there, and she needed to have a word with her mother before letting her see Uncle Mer.
A/N: This is one of the stories in my "Miller-verse," which began with The Ceremony. These fics can be found here. This particular story is the sequel to The Fallacy of Time and actually the second part of that trilogy. Most of you have read 'Fallacy' and if not, it's sort of necessary that you read it first. 'Years' takes place immediately after the events of that fic. As for warnings - 'Fallacy' is not a death!fic, per se. It's a future fic with the character death occurring before the events of the fic. As I said about 'Fallacy' - there's a lot of love in the fic and the same is true with this one. 'Years' has angst and family drama, but again, the love is what I think shines through the most and it is happy in the end. That said, I realize and respect that there are those who will choose not to read it, but obviously, I hope you will.
Years May Go By
Sitting in the antiseptic waiting area, she wondered what it was that had made her turn around and go back. She tried to think, but her head was full to bursting with thoughts, with what-ifs, with would they please come in and tell them something!
Madison stood and walked over to gaze blindly at the darkness on the other side of the window - something else seemed to be reflected in the glass: her fumbling for the right key, the sinking feeling when she saw that Uncle John's place was still set at the table and the sheer stab of panic at the stark white of the envelopes laced with Uncle Mer's handwriting: Jeannie and Madison - the blur that had her pushing the emergency number on her cell even before she'd reached the top of the stairs, the sheer silence of the house and opening that door.
An ambulance screamed out of the Emergency bay. The sound and light edged through the haze and brought her back to the present. She knew she was uselessly beating herself up for leaving her uncle to begin with. Still, how could she not have seen it? She should have never left him alone, not tonight. But that was just it, if it hadn't been tonight, would it have been some other? Some other night when she wouldn't have been close, when she couldn’t have gotten there in time. No. She was not going to think that way. She closed her eyes and murmured a silent prayer of thanks that it hadn't ended like that.
Madison paced in front of the small row of seats. At least her status as a doctor counted for something: they were being allowed to wait in a private waiting area. She'd already been back to the ER and the ICU, but felt she really needed to be with her family at the moment. The doctors and nurses were taking good care of her Uncle; she'd made sure of that.
Cameron was asleep, his head on his dad's lap and Ferris was coloring quietly. He was being a real trooper. It was late and he was on the verge of falling asleep himself, but the worry in his small brown eyes wouldn't let him. Neither Uncle Mer nor Uncle John had ever shown a preference with her boys, but there had always been an unmistakable closeness between Uncle Mer and Ferris.
She looked at Thomas, who was smiling a pinched little smile she knew was just for her. A buck-up smile that, in his infinite optimism, meant to say it's going to be all right, and that said everything in the world about why she loved him so much. As she held his gaze, she thought about spending more than twenty-five years of her life with this wonderful man only to have him taken away from her suddenly and without warning. How would she feel? She realized then that she never really understood what Uncle Mer must have gone through - day after day in that house, but how could she have? Maybe that was how she'd missed the signals that should have shone like beacons through a fog.
A weak, tired, and tight smile was all she could return to her husband and she felt a stab of guilt, or maybe shame, because she really believed she and her family had compensated for the loss of Uncle John. She shook her head at the naiveté of that way of thinking.
The soft push of the door made her turn around.
Uncle Mer would spend the night in ICU, because she had requested it and because they wanted to monitor his blood pressure during the night to make sure it was stable before they moved him to a regular hospital room. Maddie nodded her thanks. She couldn't trust her words not to come out amidst uncontrolled sobs.
When the nurse returned to her station, Maddie walked over and bent down to kiss Thomas, then Ferris, combing her fingers through Cam's tousled curls.
"Why don't you and the boys go on home," she suggested.
"Mom," Ferris whined. "I wanna see Uncle Mer."
"Sweetie, Uncle Mer's going to be sleeping all night and we don't want to disturb him. We'll see him tomorrow, how's that?"
He looked up from his coloring with his sleep-laden eyes and simply said, "Okay."
Thomas made a valiant effort to argue with her, but lost. There really was little anyone could do. Maddie was no stranger to sleeping in hospitals, although the waiting area would be a new experience. She'd stay because her mother and father would come straight there, and she needed to have a word with her mother before letting her see Uncle Mer.
~~~~
The years hadn't changed her mother and father much. Sometimes, it felt to Madison as if she was the only one time had affected. Oh, there were the gray hairs and a few more laugh lines in both of their faces, but generally the years had been kind to them. Though, from where Madison sat, her mother was a wreck.
Tendrils of ashy blonde hair, laced with wild, go-their-own-way grays, fell gracefully from the twisted knot atop Jeannie's head to frame a face punctuated by red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. The tissue, obsessively ironed between her fingers, was ragged, the dampness probably all that held it together and Madison felt her mother trembling as she took the busy hands in hers.
"He's going to be all right, Mother," she said, trying to sound professional and authoritative, as if Jeannie might not accept it any other way.
"But, why?" Jeannie asked. "Why would he do something like this? Why didn't you-why did you leave him? Didn't you-" Kaleb's hand on her shoulder stopped the flow of words Madison had anticipated. She looked at her father with the same understanding expression they'd shared so many times in the past.
"You see? This is exactly why I wanted to speak with you first," Madison said. Kaleb removed his hand and sat down beside his wife. "Uncle Mer does not need this from you."
Jeannie finally looked her daughter in the eye, then immediately bowed her head, leaning into Kaleb. "I know you mean well," Madison continued, "and you're just thinking about him, but-"
Jeannie whipped around to face her daughter. "I loved John just as much as anyone, young lady, so don't you start with me. But Mer staying in that house, alone, with all of John's things-even his clothes for God's sake. That's-that's just not healthy." Jeannie pressed the sodden tissue back to her eyes.
Maddie sighed and reached to the table beside her, fluffing out several tissues from the box and handing them to Jeannie. "And what about the things he can't see, Mother? The memories, the sound of Uncle John's voice, how's he supposed to erase that? It's not as easy as packing things in a box and hauling them off. He needs time."
"I never said I wanted him to erase anything. I just-can't bear to watch him do this to himself-and now, and now-this." She blew her nose with one of the fresh tissues.
"Well, this isn't about you. And if you drag him home with you like I know you want to, what do you think that will do to him?" Maddie's voice rose slightly. "If you take him away from that house, this will happen again, and I'm telling you here and now, I will do everything in my power to see that it doesn't." She got up, mostly to get a good deep breath and some distance. Of all the disagreements they'd had in the past, this wasn't about them, wasn't about who cared more for Uncle Mer, it was about what was best for him and she was determined not to let anything distract them from that.
Kaleb put his arm around his wife. "Mads is right, Jeannie. Everyone has their own grieving process and we have to let Rodney navigate through his."
"By killing himself?" Jeannie asked incredulously.
Her mother's shrill voice stung like salt in a wound. "Mother!" Madison whirled around and stared at her. Angry at Jeannie because she'd dared to speak the truth; angry at herself because even though she knew it, she hadn't let the bluntness of it sink in.
Jeannie turned to Kaleb. "It doesn't surprise me that you're siding with her."
"I am not siding with her. There are no sides here, Jeannie. She's right. The one thing Rodney needs right now is to know that his family cares about him and that he's loved and needed."
"And if you can't do that, Mom," Maddie said. "I won't let you see him."
Jeannie's breath caught as she tried to say something, but she just curled into her husband's arms, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably.
~~~~
A shiver rippled through Jeannie when she finally stepped into the bright, sunny room. She hadn't seen her brother in a hospital bed since his appendix operation, or had it been the time he fell off the roof trying to boost their television reception. At any rate, he looked as small and scared now as he had then.
Madison had been in first, to prepare him, Jeannie thought, and that was probably why he wouldn't look at her as she walked up to the bed.
"Mer?" She reached out and took his hand, careful of the IV.
He didn't respond right away, but finally gave her hand a faint squeeze. "Jeannie. How's Kaleb? How's work? I hope you aren't missing an important conference for this."
The tone of his voice knotted her stomach even more. Her career choice had been a bone of contention between the two for years. She thought it was because he secretly wished he'd taken the job instead of recommending her, something he'd always vehemently denied. She'd forever lament the competitiveness between them, wondering why that seemed to overshadow the closeness they'd shared as children. "No," she answered. "I'm between consultations right now and Kaleb is doing well. He's here with me."
Rodney nodded.
"Can I ask why, Mer?" she asked after a moment.
He pulled his hand back and laid it on his chest. "You can ask anything you like. But don't you mean why did I do such a stupid thing? Why am I putting you through this, putting Maddie through this? Why am I only thinking of myself?"
"I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to."
"Jesus, Mer, just because I said you might feel better if you packed a few things up, donated them, got them out of the house so you wouldn't-"
Rodney closed his eyes, which only seemed to deepen the dark wells beneath them. "Christ, Jeannie, please don't start. I realize what I did was extreme, and yes, it probably was a stupid thing to do, but make no mistake," he finally turned to look at her. "I knew what I was doing and I went about it in a rational manner, at least as rationally as I could with the way I feel. I intended to-"
"But did you spare one thought for what it would have done to me if you'd succeeded? Did you think about what it would have done to Maddie, to the boys?"
"God, you sound just like her. No, Jeannie, I really didn't stop to think about your feelings, obviously, and it sort of defeats the purpose to ask your family's permission to commit suicide."
"Mer!" The words, out in the open, cut like a dull knife - not a quick, clean slice, but blunt, dragging and painful. Subtlety wasn't a trait either of them possessed.
He turned away from her again. "What did you mean?" she asked quietly. "I sound like who?"
"Whom," he corrected. "And I think you know."
Her face reddened and grew hot. She did know. He'd said the same thing many times over the years; she just couldn't believe he wanted to bring it up now. She'd caught herself at times, especially with Maddie, the same tone of voice, the same inflections, sometimes even the same words their mother used. Every time, the words had been out before she'd known it. Words that hurt, words with sharp edges, words of blithe indifference. And every time, she'd felt possessed, like something foreign had invaded her, the words spilling forth in an alien tongue. Still she denied it. "I do not sound like her," she said quietly, pulling up an uncomfortable looking chair.
"Sure you do. If I can sound pragmatic and 'holier than thou' like Dad, you can sound like Mom. It happens to everyone, Jeannie. Like it or not, we all become our parents at some point."
She stared at him; it felt strange to have her own words thrown back at her. She'd accused him more than once of being like their father using those very terms. "That still doesn't explain why, Mer."
"What difference does it make? What answer could I possibly give you so you'd understand?"
"You're not the only one who misses him," she said defensively, chin rising in that McKay fashion. "I loved John too."
"Don't talk about what you don't know, Jeannie. You have no idea how I feel."
"Well, I'm sorry, I don't like what it's doing to you. You think I like seeing you like this? It's not good for you. Whether you know it or not, whether you believe it or not… I don't want to lose you. I love you, Mer." She stood and smoothed the thinning hair back from his temple, trying to ignore the brightness in his eyes. "Can't you see that?"
Rodney was unresponsive, but as she lowered her hand, he grabbed it and held it to his chest. "I love you too, Jeannie," he said after a moment.
Pulling his hand to her cheek, she pressed her lips to it. "I know, Mer. I know."
~~~~
Madison looked up when her mother came through the heavy waiting room door. All the emotion of the past twenty-four hours welled up inside her as Jeannie came to her and threw her arms around her, clinging to her, wailing sobs filling the small room. Maddie held her mother. Jeannie seemed so tiny and vulnerable in her arms and Maddie couldn't hope to hold back her own tears any longer.
"Take care of him, Maddie," Jeannie sobbed. "You and the boys take care of him, please."
~~~~
Her uncle was standing at the window when she cracked the door open. She swallowed hard at the way the ridiculous hospital gown seemed to swallow him. "Are you supposed to be out of bed?" she asked, walking into the warm, sunlit room.
"What're they going to do?" he asked evenly. "I'm fine. Actually, my doctor should have released me by now." He looked pointedly at her.
She walked over to stand beside him. "Technically, Doctor Skarsgård is your treating physician, so it's really up to him."
Rodney waved his hand dismissively. "How's your Mom?"
"She'll be okay. You two got into it, didn't you? I told her I wouldn't let her-"
He turned to her. "It was my fault, kiddo. I wasn't very pleasant." He smirked. "So what else is new, right? I probably caused a lot of trouble for you though."
Madison sat down on the wide windowsill and looked up at her uncle. "We talked. Things are going to be better. She said you wouldn't tell her why. You mind me asking?"
Rodney stood there looking over her head out the window. "I'd rather not say," he said flatly.
"You're really sorry you didn't do it, aren't you?"
He snorted. "There's no way any of you can understand."
"I realize that Uncle Mer, but let me tell you something. Last night I stood there in that waiting room and took a good look at my husband and sons. And I thought about how I'd feel if after twenty-five years Thomas was suddenly taken away from me. I don't know if I could handle it either. I wouldn't want to live another day, but I'd have to because I'd still have Ferris and Cam. Think of what it would do to them to lose both of us?"
Rodney picked at the worn hospital gown, worrying a loose thread at his elbow.
"Mom's right you know. You didn't think about us at all. My God, Uncle Mer, how do you think I felt when I found you? How was I supposed to explain that to two boys who think you hung the moon and the stars? One who still asks when Uncle John's coming back?" Her hands trembled to match her voice as she clasped and unclasped them in her lap.
Rodney bowed his head. "I am sorry, Mads."
"Yeah, sorry I came back and saved your ass," she said matter-of-factly.
He did look at her then and from his expression, she knew she'd drawn blood and it scared her. She jumped up and reached for him.
His eyes welled with tears. "Jesus, Maddie. You sounded just like-" He drew a long shuddering breath. "God, I miss him so much. I did-I do, I just want to die-I don't know how to live without him." He went limp in her arms and she held him fast, as if somehow, through her sheer will and the strength of her embrace, she could protect him, shield him from any more hurt, ever.
"Oh, God, Uncle Mer. Don't you see? How did you expect us to learn to live without you?" Maddie's words stuttered out between sobs as she buried her face in his neck. "I miss Uncle John, too, but I don't want to lose you-I can't. I'll help you Uncle Mer, please, please let me help you."
Rodney drew back and took her face in his hands. "Maddie, oh God, I'm so sorry," he said, gently thumbing away her tears. Then he kissed her cheek. "I'm so sorry."
They stood that way for a long time.
Maddie's tiny voice finally broke the silence. "So, you promise you'll never think about doing this again?" She searched his face and held her breath.
The truth shone in those sad blue eyes. "No," he said, shaking his head. "I can't promise that. I'll do my best, but I can't promise."
She nodded. "I expected as much. Well then, we'll just have to make sure you have no reason to think that way any more."
"I love you, short stuff."
She snorted a laugh, spraying her uncle with tears that had found the corners of her mouth, their salty trails still stinging her cheeks.
~~~~
Willow Grove Summit. Maddie loves this street, always has, but somehow this trip up the scenic drive is particularly satisfying. She turns the car off and sits for a moment, looking at the house. In a few weeks, the yard will be a veritable artist's pallet, the vine maples dressed in vivid scarlet, a lush backdrop to the long, yellow fingers of the willows hovering over the fall blooms and the green of the perennials.
Uncle Mer had really taken to the gardening, probably because he knew Uncle John would be pissed if he let everything die. And this was no small feat for a man who could doom the heartiest of plants in two galaxies.
They're all outside as she gets out of the car; the boys fly remote control airplanes under Uncle Mer's careful and watchful eye as he does the watering. Cam starts his first year of school in less than a week. After spending their summers here the past three years, Rodney freely admits to Maddie that they have the run of the house, and he never stops chiding her about the boys' atrocious taste in music.
Their things are already packed and set out inside the front door. She stands in the hallway between the foyer and the front room, letting the old familiar warmth of the house enfold her, thankful to have it back again. She listens to the renewed sounds of life - the gentle strains of Bill Evans floating from the den, Uncle Mer grousing about peanut butter and jelly smeared on the kitchen counter, the immediate and adamant denial of her youngest. She smiles and heads for the kitchen.
"Yeah, well, it wasn't me," Rodney says, noticing Maddie's presence. "And your brother doesn't eat jelly, so that leaves you, short stuff."
"Stop calling me that," Cam whines, sidling over to stand beside his mother. "I'm big. I'm going to school just like Ferris."
Rodney walks around the counter and kisses Maddie's cheek. "Well I've been to school. Your Mom's been to school, you think that makes you special?"
Cam looks at Rodney, his bottom lip poking out just a little. "You're too old to go to school."
"Believe it or not, kiddo, I was young just like you once… only I was taller," Rodney says, ruffling the dark shocks of Cam's hair.
"Mom!"
"Cameron, Uncle Mer is just teasing you," she says, thinking he'd be used to it by now.
They both watch him sling his bag over his shoulder and head for the door.
"Hey Cam," Rodney calls, waiting until he's almost all the way down the hall. When he turns around, Rodney smiles and holds out his arms. "Who needs a hug?" The teasing apparently forgotten, his bag dropped in the hall, Cam runs to Rodney to be swept up amid delighted squeals.
As they walk outside, the boys run ahead of them and jostle for position in the car. "Listen Mads, I've written down the subjects Ferris needs to be thinking about taking in the next few years. If his school doesn't offer them at his grade level, there are plenty of good private academies we can get him into. Just let me-"
Maddie takes the list and scans it quickly. "Uncle Mer, they don't offer the higher mathematics until the eighth grade, and the lowest grade level basic physics is offered is the tenth, and that's only if you meet the prerequisites and have the approval of the faculty."
"Yes, I know that, I just said-"
"You know all he's ever talked about is flying."
"Exactly. But why just fly planes when he could design them, build them?" Rodney points out. "Even better, why fly planes when he could fly intergalactic craft?" Maddie's heart warms at the animation in her Uncle's voice. "I'm telling you the kid's a natural with numbers, a genius. I've also given him a reading list, just a few books. He'll be ready for them in no time."
"Are these all academic books?" she asks, looking sideways at him.
"No. No, there's some others there too. You'll, um, probably have to go to the library for some of them. I don't think they offer the old science fiction classics as ebooks or whatever the hell passes for books these days. And those-those are just the ones John didn't have."
"You're giving him Uncle John's books?"
"Well, not all of them," he says through that pinched, don't-be-so-annoying look.
Madison smiles. "You're too good to them, Uncle Mer."
Rodney shrugs. "You're too good to me, too, so what? Now remember, I'm off to see your Mom in a couple of days, but I'll call you when I get back. The boys can come over and stay the weekend."
She starts to say something, but his cell phone interrupts them. He fishes it out of his pocket and slips on his glasses at the same time, checking the number. "Your Mom," he says, rolling his eyes and flipping the phone open.
Madison leans over to kiss his cheek and hug him. "Love you," she mouths and he nods and waves to the boys.
Before she backs out of the driveway, she watches him for a moment - talking, free hand flailing in the air, his face animated. Probably something to do with work. They'd begun collaborating on a few things and the visit in a few days was the two of them attending a conference together as guest speakers.
Maddie thinks how different things are now, how different her uncle is from the man who wouldn't leave the house for months after Uncle John died, the man she left standing there waving a few years ago.
Time really has healed him, for the most part. Time has finally healed them all.