Explanations...
Hi guys.
I dunno if there’s people reading this but, i’m here to explain the reason to this lack of posts. This time I guess it’s a « real » reason, i guess.
For the last three years i’ve been studying speech therapy. I was motivated, really, since i ended highschool mostly because i really didn’t know what to study before i got really inspired to do this.
After repeating the first year, i finally was able to go in the second year last September. And it’s precisely when it became my worst nightmare.
The thing was that we had traineeship consisting in having 4 kids in charge from 2 different schools that we visited once a week. I thought i knew what i was doing and when my teacher came to see me the first time she proved me i was wrong. I couldn’t answer her, my documents in the kids files were not what she expected. On the moment i just thought it was the first time, that it was going to be okay after that.
But slowly i drowned into classes, tests and activities to prepare for kids, all the documents i had to fill for traineeship, and this every week. Really it was a huge charge of work for me. A charge of work that prevented me to sleep correctly, both because i was working for school and because of stress because all i did to progress wasn’t enough for teachers who continued to compliment my partner and scolding me.
It was the first time i experienced such a big wave of daily stress, sometimes my brain just stopped functioning for a moment because it had to run away from this. Several times i woke up in the middle of the night crying because i didn’t know how to get out of this mess. My classmates were tired from work but knew what to do with their kids and yet they had harder cases than me, and mostly they were still motivated. I wasn’t anymore and i felt really like shit.
In the meantime lots happened in the arashi fandom right ? Since last october. At first it was like it always was, a comforting safe place but after a moment i felt bad for being happy with this because rest of my life was a mess, i felt like i didn’t had the right or the time to be happy because of Arashi. A sort of guilt added to the equation.
As if it wasn’t enough for my nerves, my teacher once called me autistic because i couldn’t look at her in the eyes. I always had troubles with social interaction and I really worked on myself these last years, i thought I really improved and this woman just sent me back were i was before. She scolded me because i yawned once briefly, hiding in my hand and excused myself right after, because my voice was hoarse due to a cold...
The schools also were problematic, the teachers of the kids weren’t always nice to me, complaining when nothing improved with kids, when i asked for infos about them, about what they were currently learning because it’s part of the procedure. Once i passed by two women, greeted them and when i barely had walked two steps away, complaining in my back about not knowing what i was there for and who i was. I felt really pissed that they didn’t even asked me when i wasn’t far from them...
Well my mind was a real mess. In january i didn’t bothered study for my exams, when traineeship restarted after that, all my problems came back in force, starting with my grades failed for all the work i did from october to december, I was really, really depressed.
My mind was so blurry from worries and stress sometimes i found myself standing in the middle of the road not knowing how and having barely the time to avoid being killed by cars. But that’s when i fell in the street while going back home and hurted an old injury that i decided to stop all that. I couldn’t continue like this.
Originally i planned on continue to the year still and keep up with traineeship even though i would do bullshit but not going to much of my classes at least, to have some rest.
But then lockdown came in Belgium and it saved me. Really. I took a good rest during these last 3 months. I had more sleep, more time for myself and to think about what i’ll do next.
Now i’m much better and ready to continue to write and retake this lj more in hands. Thank you if you read this, i know it was long and maybe this post is a real mess but i hope you understand my lack of motivation for writing all this time. For my part, i felt relieved by writing all this at least. I hope you’ll continue to support me anyway...
Neen-sama
I dunno if there’s people reading this but, i’m here to explain the reason to this lack of posts. This time I guess it’s a « real » reason, i guess.
For the last three years i’ve been studying speech therapy. I was motivated, really, since i ended highschool mostly because i really didn’t know what to study before i got really inspired to do this.
After repeating the first year, i finally was able to go in the second year last September. And it’s precisely when it became my worst nightmare.
The thing was that we had traineeship consisting in having 4 kids in charge from 2 different schools that we visited once a week. I thought i knew what i was doing and when my teacher came to see me the first time she proved me i was wrong. I couldn’t answer her, my documents in the kids files were not what she expected. On the moment i just thought it was the first time, that it was going to be okay after that.
But slowly i drowned into classes, tests and activities to prepare for kids, all the documents i had to fill for traineeship, and this every week. Really it was a huge charge of work for me. A charge of work that prevented me to sleep correctly, both because i was working for school and because of stress because all i did to progress wasn’t enough for teachers who continued to compliment my partner and scolding me.
It was the first time i experienced such a big wave of daily stress, sometimes my brain just stopped functioning for a moment because it had to run away from this. Several times i woke up in the middle of the night crying because i didn’t know how to get out of this mess. My classmates were tired from work but knew what to do with their kids and yet they had harder cases than me, and mostly they were still motivated. I wasn’t anymore and i felt really like shit.
In the meantime lots happened in the arashi fandom right ? Since last october. At first it was like it always was, a comforting safe place but after a moment i felt bad for being happy with this because rest of my life was a mess, i felt like i didn’t had the right or the time to be happy because of Arashi. A sort of guilt added to the equation.
As if it wasn’t enough for my nerves, my teacher once called me autistic because i couldn’t look at her in the eyes. I always had troubles with social interaction and I really worked on myself these last years, i thought I really improved and this woman just sent me back were i was before. She scolded me because i yawned once briefly, hiding in my hand and excused myself right after, because my voice was hoarse due to a cold...
The schools also were problematic, the teachers of the kids weren’t always nice to me, complaining when nothing improved with kids, when i asked for infos about them, about what they were currently learning because it’s part of the procedure. Once i passed by two women, greeted them and when i barely had walked two steps away, complaining in my back about not knowing what i was there for and who i was. I felt really pissed that they didn’t even asked me when i wasn’t far from them...
Well my mind was a real mess. In january i didn’t bothered study for my exams, when traineeship restarted after that, all my problems came back in force, starting with my grades failed for all the work i did from october to december, I was really, really depressed.
My mind was so blurry from worries and stress sometimes i found myself standing in the middle of the road not knowing how and having barely the time to avoid being killed by cars. But that’s when i fell in the street while going back home and hurted an old injury that i decided to stop all that. I couldn’t continue like this.
Originally i planned on continue to the year still and keep up with traineeship even though i would do bullshit but not going to much of my classes at least, to have some rest.
But then lockdown came in Belgium and it saved me. Really. I took a good rest during these last 3 months. I had more sleep, more time for myself and to think about what i’ll do next.
Now i’m much better and ready to continue to write and retake this lj more in hands. Thank you if you read this, i know it was long and maybe this post is a real mess but i hope you understand my lack of motivation for writing all this time. For my part, i felt relieved by writing all this at least. I hope you’ll continue to support me anyway...
Neen-sama