When he left me: chapters 1 & 2
Title: When he left me...
Pairing: Ohmiya, Jun/ ?, Sho/oc, Nino/oc
Rating: PG
genre: Romance, drama, fluff, family, AU
Plot: Nino broke up with his boyfriend Satoshi. Six years later, Satoshi discover all the truth
Warning: poor english xD
Note: Hello ! It is my first time posting in english so please be gentle and forgive my bad english ^^"
[Chapter 1]
- Eh ?!
- Honestly, I think it’s better like that.
- But… Explain it to me! You’re not going to break up without any reason!
He turns his gaze to me and his bitter smile breaks my heart in a million of pieces.
- Goodbye, Satoshi.
Little by little, the tears are covering my face. And as he goes further and further at the pace of his steps, my whole body remains paralyzed. I just want to run to him and beg him not to leave me.
But I just can’t.
My face is wet with tears and the rest of my poor broken heart explode in insignificant particles that fly away from me with him. I take finally control of my lips but as my heart is dying to scream and shout, a ridiculous whisper comes out of my mouth:
- Kazu…
*****
My head hits the floor and my alarm hurts my ears with that fucking ringing of its. The awakening is painful today. I stand up and shut off that stupid technology before I rub my poor painful back due to the position in which I was just lying. I open the windows of my bedroom. The sun is shining brightly. Today will surely be a wonderful day. I sigh and move to my bathroom while yawning.
My name is Ohno Satoshi, I’m 32 and I’m an art teacher in high school. 6 years ago, my boyfriend broke up with me without giving me any reason and we haven’t seen each other since then. We have been together for 4 years at that time. We met each other at college when he had just entered it and by chance, that was me who was his guide in the establishment.
We weren’t in the same courses but we progressively became very relatives and then fell in love. I loved him more than anything and the memory of our breakup is as painful as the moment I lived it. This scene, I see it in my dreams almost every night. The last one was one of them, unfortunately.
Showered and dressed up, in the kitchen, I take a look at the clock on the wall. Too late for a coffee, I’ll take it at school before my first lesson. I take my bag, put my shoes and my jacket on and go out.
When I go through the entrance courtyard of the school, some students greet me, mostly girls, and I greet them back with a smile. It’s not to show me off but I have my little success among my students. I slide finally the door of the teachers’ room and greet my colleagues before going to my desk and sit down on my chair. A few seconds later, my friend, Matsumoto Jun, enter the room with a happy face and come to sit beside me.
- Yo Satoshi ! He says.
- Ohayo Jun-kun. I answer without much motivation.
- Oh… you’re not doing well, am I wrong?
- I have not had my morning coffee yet, I fell off from my bed and I dreamed of that day again.
- You mean that day ?
- Hum…
- Tsk… you don’t think you should better forget it and move forward? When was that? 3 years ago?
- It was 6 years ago, Jun.
- Well, it’s time for you to meet someone else, another man or even a woman who knows?”
I grin despite me and hit him at his arm. He laughs and I do so.
- I understand that you want me to move on and be happy but I loved Kazunari more than anyone. He was my only love, I don’t know if I will fall in love with someone else or even if I want to.
- You’ll see. Someday it’ll come.
He stand up from his chair and look at his wrist where is his watch.
- We have 20 minutes till the first hour, I take you a coffee?
- If you agree. I say.
*****
- The lesson is over. Congratulations to all of you, your works are all well done. I’ll see you tomorrow.
The bell is ringing and my students pack their stuff in an awful noise. When they are finally out, I take my bag and I’m getting ready to go out of the class too but my phone stops me. I pick it up while I sit up on a stool habitually reserved for the students.
- Moshi Moshi, Ohno desu.
- Ohno-kun? Ninomiya Kazuko there, remember? Kazunari’s mother…
At the mention of the name of my ex-lover, my heart beats faster in my chest.
- Hai…I answer with a low voice.
- Can we…see each other, as soon as possible?
- Yes, I just finished at work, but…
- It would be better if you come now.
- Okay…i…will come soon…
- Do you remember where we live ?
- Yes of course.
- Jaa…I see you then.
I hang up. My heart is still pounding fast. Why Ninomiya-san wants me to come? Why it is not Kazunari who calls me directly? A lot of another questions rush in my head but stay here is useless, I must go to his mother’s house.
All the way, I can't help but feeling a terrible joy and fear, imagining the best like the worst and before I realize it, I’m facing the Ninomiya’s house.
It has not changed since the last time I came here. I cross the aisle and ring the bell. My ex’s mother open the door, dressed in her apron and with a tired face. She has not changed either. She let me enter and while she guide me across a hallway, the fatal question goes suddenly out of my mouth.
- Is Kazunari… Alright ?
Ninomiya-san looks at me, startled, sad and maybe a little scared. But she does not say a word. Does it mean that he’s not doing well? Or that she doesn’t know what to say? I want to know, even if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. His happiness and health is the most important to me.
His mother let me enter the living room and I don’t believe what I see. This portrait of my lover in a black frame, this smell of incense and this flower vase in front of me… It’s at that time that I understand. I understand that I will not see Kazunari anymore. The reality is harder than everything I had imagined on my way to come here. This time, everything is definitely over.
I fall down on my knees, not even noticing the pain, and cry in silence while Ninomiya-san comes next to me and put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. My throat is tied and prevents me to talk. However, a word comes out of my mouth.
- How?
The woman plunge her hand in the pocket of her apron and gives me an envelope with my name written on it.
- You should read that, he wrote it before his death. She says
I open the envelope and find a piece of paper almost entirely covered of black. No doubts, it is his handwriting. My hands shiver, I hesitate to read it but I must do so. These are his last words for me and I want to understand our breakup. I wash up my tears and go through his last letter.
Satoshi,
If you read this letter, it probably means that I’m not in this world anymore. I understand that the fact of me writing a letter for you after what happened between us maybe sounds weird to you, but since my death is near, I need to confess all the truth to you on the paper while I can still do it.
How are you? You must be a wonderful and super popular teacher ne? I would have liked to be there to see that. I want you to know that break up with you hurt me more than anything and it was the biggest error of my life. But I was forced to… Not by my parents, of course but…
No, I must tell you from the beginning.
6 years ago, approximately one month before we broke up, we argued about something stupid. I was so angry that I left our apartment and went to a bar. I had a few drinks and I met a woman, her name was Chiemi. We talked a lot and also… drank a lot.
The next morning, we woke up in her bed, without any clothes or doubt about what we had done while we were drunk. We made the decision to return to our lives and forget that night. You and I were reconciled and I had not seen Chiemi… Until the day before we broke up. That famous day, my mother called me and asked me to come as soon as I could. Chiemi was there with her parents. They were furious and their daughter was crying. They ordered me to sit and told me why they came: That night Chiemi and me had conceived a child.
The news had fall on my head like an entire building. Chiemi’s parents refused that she aborted, so I had to marry her and obviously, leave you. We moved in a little apartment. Even if we were married, I talked almost never with her, I was drinking every night and I was spending the first months of this new life while crying every time I was alone hoping to wake up from this nightmare. I had never forgiving me for what I did to you, for the harm I did to you.
After three or four months, I was in an awful state. When I saw myself in a mirror, I could only see the horror I had become. I had dark circles under the eyes that deepened with the time due to the tiredness and the tears and I was losing weight visibly since I wasn't eating much. My father-in-law lectured me all the time because I was not a good husband for her daughter and if she wasn't pregnant he would have convinced her to divorce. But I didn’t really care, you were the only one who mattered to me.
One day, I had an emergency call from the hospital at my job. Chiemi had been admitted urgently but I could not understand what the woman from the hospital was trying to explain to me. I knew only that she was in serious condition. I will remember this moment perfectly until my last breath. My blood had iced in my veins in a second and my heart was beating with an incredible strength in my chest. I had rushed in the hospital and when I arrived, they told me to wait. I had never wanted that, and if she died? Chiemi would have been so much happier if I had never talked to her at that bar… I was really the worst of assholes…
After a few hours, a doctor came out of the surgery room, covered with blood. I almost collapsed while imagining the worst and he only confirmed my toughs: they could not save Chiemi. Strangely, I had not cried. I couldn't. On the contrary, I seen in her death a way to escape from this life that I had not wanted. I was maybe selfish and cynical but I prepared already myself to not recognize the child as mine, give it to an institution and do all I can to come back to you.
After, seeing the corpse of my dead wife, the doctor asked me to come with him. I followed him, thinking that he needed that I sign some papers. Instead of that, he guided me to a care room. I panicked, I never wanted to see this child in any case, and tried to escape but he held me firmly by the shoulders. I will never be able to thank him properly for that. We entered, he moved away a few seconds to take something in a corner and came back to place it in the crook of my arms.
From that moment on, that day became the most beautiful of my life. I had the eighth wonder of the world in my arms, a tiny warm being sleeping against me. For a few minutes, I had the feeling that we were only the two of us in the world. Even you, you had not the slightest importance to me when I was looking at that perfect little face. My poor broken heart had warmed up instantly, I smiled and yet I was crying again. I could not abandon it anymore. The doctor said right after that I had a baby girl, I had a daughter and I was surely the happiest of all.
Since then, I took my life in hands and raised my daughter the best I could. It was not easy everyday especially because Chiemi’s parents left me alone with her. At the time I write this letter, I have not seen them since the death of their daughter. Of course, I missed you still so much but I was too afraid to tell you the truth and then you throw me as I did with you. On the other hand, I had not losing an occasion to tell her about you, about what we lived together and she always listened to me with a wide smile. She’s my treasure, the most precious thing in my life and I thought that we’ll be able to continue to live peacefully.
I was wrong.
One year ago, I had severe headaches which lasted entire days and made me bang my head against the walls when my little one was not around. I went to see a doctor and after a bunch of medical examinations, the diagnosis had fallen. Brain tumor. He gave me a treatment that I took in secret. It was not enough and I ended up in hospital. My mother was furious that I hid such a serious thing even to her. I took another treatment that weakened me a lot; my daughter could only see me through a window between my room and the hallway. That was what hurt me even more than the disease and the medicines but I had to be strong, for her.
Months later, I had a surgery and I finally saw a hope light in this dark tunnel but it only served to reduce the tumor that was always there and that, not so long after, started to grow even faster. This time, I was under a treatment that made me sick as a dog. No one can imagine the pain I was enduring without having experienced it. I could not stand it anymore, I had endured everything for my daughter but I just could not anymore. I asked the doctors to stop all of this and let me die.
At the time I write this letter, it’s been three weeks that I don’t take any treatment. I can enjoy my last moments almost entirely. I wish you were there but how to explain this to you? It’s been years since I gave this idea up and I don’t want you to see me in this state. They give me painkillers to “be more comfortable” and when I hurt too much, they put me to sleep sometimes up to a few days, it happened not so long ago.
I have to take advantage of the little time I have left, they told me that when the disease will be really advanced, I may not be myself anymore; I may lose my memory and become delirious. My daughter comes every day to see me at hospital and we spend maximum of time together. When I’ll start to lose my mind, I asked my mother to tell her I’m dead. I don’t want her to remember me like this.
But, Satoshi, this is what I wanted to ask you. When I’m dead, she will not have anyone except for my mother. Maybe you will refuse, you may think that it’s crazy or anything but… Please adopt her and take care of her for me. She’s so young… I ask you as a last will, take care of Satoe…
I always loved you Satoshi, please never forget me…
Kazunari.
My tears are flowing again. It’s way worse than anything I’d imagined. Kazunari was forced to get married, was unhappy and died in a hospital bed without me by his side. Why didn't he called me to see him one last time, even in a pitiful state? To know that he had such an end of life tears my heart more than everything I’d felt until today. Ninomiya-san faces me, she’s still crying too.
- I'm sorry, Satoshi-kun. The parents of that woman, Chiemi, didn't leave us the choice. I told him to find you and explain the situation to you but he was too ashamed of himself to do so. If only you had seen him after Satoe-chan’s birth, he was so radiant, so fulfilled, so happy till… that day.
- I would have forgiven him in a second…
- I know. As the doctors said us, his last days were very painful. He didn’t recognize me anymore, he could not express himself properly, he became almost violent; then he fell into coma and the next day… he passed away. It was a week ago.
She wash her tears away.
- What do you plan to do about Satoe-chan?
- I don’t know…
- Do you want to see her?
- I don’t know…
- I understand that you must be upset, it is better for you to take your time to think about it. Even if you decide to not take her with you, it’s nothing, I’ll take care of her.
The silence is the master in the room for a few minutes. I can't think properly anymore after all what I’ve heard. The only one that occupies my mind is him, not his daughter. I really feel bad for not having been with him on his death.
Later, his mother escorts me to the frontdoor and before I leave the house, she holds me and tells me a last thing.
- Satoshi-kun, his body has already been cremated but… we'll honour him the day after tomorrow. I suppose that you’ll be there.
I smile to her sadly and I nod before heading back home, my head still clouded by all that I had just learned.
[Chapter 2]
Chapter 2
A ringing wake me this morning but not my alarm. It is Saturday today. I open my eyes and understand quickly that it’s the ringing of my front door. I stand from my bed and go to the frontdoor to open it. Jun is there, joyful.
- Hey! You let me in?
- Hum…
I let him in. He takes his shoes off in the genkan while I close the door and we go together to my kitchen where I start to make some coffee.
- You want some? I ask him showing him the instant coffee package.
- Yeah, thank you. You look depressive again, your break up dream?
I stop in my task when the memories of the previous day come back at the speed of light. I turn to my friend.
- No. Yesterday, I received a call from Kazunari’s mother and I went to her house.
- And? You finally saw him after all those years?
I smile bitterly before giving my answer.
- No he passed away one week ago. Brain tumor.
I’m not talking about Kazunari’s fatherhood and marriage. Jun doesn’t need to be aware of that.
- I’m sorry.
- It’s nothing, you didn’t know him.
I turn on the coffee machine and wait till the cups are full. I give one to Jun and take mine to go sit in front of him at the table. We drink in silence a little time.
- Why did you come?
- Nothing in particular. He says shrugging the shoulders.
- I see, you came again to enjoy my apartment?
- I have a ton of tests to correct. It’s not funny when I’m alone!
I roll my eyes but his puerility still manages to snatch me a smile. I see him taking a pile of tests and a red pen from the bag he brought with him and start his task. Jun is a chemistry and biology teacher. He is the same age as Kazu, a little younger I think. We know each other since I work in high school, so approximatively 5 years. If we talk about seniority in the school, he’s my senpai, he’s been teaching there since one year already when I arrived. Before that, I was giving some drawing lessons here and there and especially in an elementary school but I must say that I’m much better with my stable job at high school.
- What the fuck gave me such a stupid student ?! growls Jun, dived in his corrections.
I let him to go shower. Tomorrow, we'll honour Kazunari. I may see his daughter, obviously. I don’t really want to, to be honest. But I can’t help thinking about her, if she looks like him, if she had inherit those mischievous eyes that make me dreaming or his little cute pout that I could not resist too long. I’ll see tomorrow. What was her name again? Ah, yes, Satoe. I smile sadly now that I realize finally that he use a name derivate from mine to name her and before I realize it, the tears are flowing again on my cheeks, fortunately hided by the shower. It’s way too hard to think about him now that I know he’s not there anymore.
When I go out of the bathroom, Jun have almost finish with his corrections. At the time I come in the room, he turns to me and put down his pen on the table.
- Everything’s alright? You have been in the bathroom for a while.
- Hum, daijoubu. I say sitting on my couch.
I turn on the TV and try to concentrate to the program airing hoping he won’t ask me anything else about that, I’m not in the mood for that. Hopefully, he says nothing and my eyes kept caught by the screen. A little time after, I hear him taking all his stuff back in his bag and he comes to sit beside me.
- You’ll go to his funeral?
- Of course.
- You’re not worrying about seeing his boyfriend?
- I have no worry to make, he died single.
- Don’t say me that he didn't have anyone in his life for 6 years? Especially if it was him who broke up with you…
- You don’t know him, Jun.
- He was a man like another…
- Stop… I say by clenching the theeth.
- Honestly, I don’t know why you stayed stuck to him while he probably had a lot of good time with other men all these years…
- SHUT UP! I scream.
He knows nothing, he don’t know him. And the fact that he makes hypothesis on what Kazunari had lived these 6 last years makes my blood boiling in my veins. Jun says nothing anymore and stares at me not moving any single toe. I stand up, furious.
- You don’t know anything about him or what he lived so if you only needed some company to correct your fucking tests, you can go, the door is there!
He’s not answering me and looks up before taking his bag and go to the front door.
- Satoshi-kun, I think you need to be alone. I know you loved him, I should not have say that. If you wanna talk, you know my number and my address ne?
And then he leaves. My rage does not decrease. The TV is starting to make me crazy and I turn it off before let me fall in my couch again. My thoughts take advantage of this moment to project the memory of Kazunari before my eyes.
*flashback*
I’m drawing, sitting in the park of the university. I look up to better observe the landscape before my gaze goes back to my sheet to immortalize the view on a page of my sketchbook. When my eyes leave the paper again, a younger student stands right before me, a gentle smile on his face. We look each other in the eyes for seconds and he finally break the silence.
- Konnichiwa! Do you remember me? You were my guide in the university three days ago.
- Ah…oh…hum.
He laughs. That boy is really beautiful when he laughs and my heart accelerate like crazy at this moment.
- You look sleepy. He says. I wanted to thank you. You’re an art student isn’t it?
- Hum…
- Me too, but rather in photography than in drawing or painting, I’m not very good at that.
He shows me his camera, pretty sophisticated and expensive looking, hanging on his neck before sitting down beside me in the grass. He gives me his hand.
- Ninomiya Kazunari, but everyone calls me Nino and you?
- Ohno Satoshi. I say giving him a handshake.
The said Nino, bend over to look at my sketchbook where my drawing takes shape. I can see his face light up brightly.
- You’re pretty good! Well…it’s logic, otherwise you would not have been able to enter this university. Is this for a class project?
- Hum no. I like to sit down anywhere and drawing what I see, it relaxes me. And you? Are you searching for anything to photography for your lessons?
- No, I found it. He says, a grin on his face while he takes his camera and a bright flash hit my eyes.
He looks at the picture he just took and shows it to me. Realizing he just photographed me, my cheeks become instantly red and that only makes the things worse when I see my stupid dazed face on the little screen.
- You’re not a bad model you know?
My heart beat frantically in my chest and I stammer.
- You…you think so?
- Hum! Well, I need to go now.
He stands up and rubs his pants a little and don’t forget to give me another of his adorable smile.
- I could need a model for my photos. When the time will come, I’ll think about you, Satoshi-kun. Jaa, thank you, it was cool, bye!
He runs immediately away from me, leaving me open-mouthed, scarlet and heart ready to pounce on my chest.
*end of flashback*
*****
At almost 5 o’clock, I’m just before the hall reserved by Ninomiya-san to honour his son. When I enter it, I go sit at a table, alone. I look around me. The hall is not so big but a lot of persons are here. A few I know, others that I never seen.
They are all regrouped in little groups scattered in the hall. Far from me, I can see two college friends of my ex-lover talking to his mother, family members and neighbors that I already met, children but none who is as young as his daughter must be. I wonder where she can be.
There is a stage, a few meters from me, with a mic and a portrait of my beloved on a display decorated with flowers. I sight. Ninomiya-san leaves the college friends and go on this stage. She talk on the mic and ask us to sit at the tables. She then tell some words In memory of the deceased and then she offers to anyone to come and express himself. She comes down and spots me to come sit down with me.
- Thank you for coming, Satoshi-kun.
- I would never miss it for anything in the world. It was very beautiful… What you told before.
- Thank you.
I was about to ask her where kazunari’s daughter could be but a woman took the mic to talk. It was one of my beloved’s colleagues. Then it was an uncle, one of the two friends from before, a cousin and the old neighbor who live beside his mother’s house. When she finally finish her speech, Ninomiya-san gives me a little nudge while I applaud.
- Why don’t you go tell a little speech, Satoshi-kun?
- Me?
- Yes, I’m sure that it is what he would have wanted.
- I don’t Know…
- Just go.
She smiles at me warmly and before I realize, I stood up and walk to the stage. I place myself before the mic, the crowd of guests is staring at me and it looks suddenly way bigger and a huge fright grips me.
- Good…good evening, I’m Ohno Satoshi…
A knot forms in my throat. What am I doing here? Kazu’s mother gives me signs to continue. By my left side, my beloved’s portrait smiles at me like he always did and that send me a little courage to continue.
- For 4 years, I was Kazunari’s boyfriend and I must say that it was the most beautiful years of my existence. He was the kindest, the most passionate and the most generous man I had known. I loved him so much and…
At the thought of our breakup tears comes up to my eyes. I stop, bend the head over and try to content it. Without any success.
- He left me 6 years ago without telling me anything and my life had never been the same but I was informed days ago that I haven’t been the most unfortunate of the two of us. Kazunari broke up with me with no other choice, he took his responsibilities as a father and he had this disease that destroyed him… If he can hear me, I would like for him to know that I love him and I would have give him the entire world uncompromising.
My face is wet with tears. My nerves broke. I quit the stage and run out of the hall instead of return to my chair and I find myself in the hallway. A little girl stands before me and stares at me, dressed up in a pretty black dress just like her long hair. In her arms, she squeezes a teddy bear with a blue ribbon around its neck tightly.
It’s her.
I see it at this deep dark gaze and this cute and round familiar little face. I wash my tears and fall to her height. She don’t move and continue to stare at me. I smile.
- You’re Satoe-chan, right?
- My daddy said me to not talking to peoples I don’t know.
I laugh, Kazunari was a good father indeed.
- Your father’s right.
- He’s not here anymore, he left to the heaven.
- That’s right. Why don’t you stay by your grandmother’s side? Why do you stay here all alone ?
She shakes her head and squeezes her plush tighter.
- I’m afraid with all those big people. And you? Don’t you stay with them?
- I was very very sad and I wanted to go outside to take some fresh air.
- And why don’t you go anymore?
- Because of the cute little girl all alone you are. It’s unfair no?
She takes suddenly a closer look to me and then run to a little bag, maybe hand-sewed, and she takes out a piece of paper out of it and comes back to me. Her gaze turns from it to me and from me to it for a while and then her face lights up exactly like her father’s that day we met and she embrace me.
- Satoshi-kun!
When she let me go, she shows me the paper, it’s this famous photo her father takes the day we met.
- You're my daddy’s lover!
- Yes, yes, but…
- He said that I can trust you and that you’ll be protecting me when he’s leaving!
I don’t know what to do, that sparkling eyes, that smile… That reminds so much things. What must I do? Kazunari asked me to raise her, he placed all of his hopes in me to take care of her but… I don’t know how to raise children properly. However, I have the feeling that we have so much in common, so much to share. It is why my mouth opened by itself and say:
- Do you want to live with me?
She looks at me a little time and then embraces me again tightly.
- Hum!
Pairing: Ohmiya, Jun/ ?, Sho/oc, Nino/oc
Rating: PG
genre: Romance, drama, fluff, family, AU
Plot: Nino broke up with his boyfriend Satoshi. Six years later, Satoshi discover all the truth
Warning: poor english xD
Note: Hello ! It is my first time posting in english so please be gentle and forgive my bad english ^^"
[Chapter 1]
- Eh ?!
- Honestly, I think it’s better like that.
- But… Explain it to me! You’re not going to break up without any reason!
He turns his gaze to me and his bitter smile breaks my heart in a million of pieces.
- Goodbye, Satoshi.
Little by little, the tears are covering my face. And as he goes further and further at the pace of his steps, my whole body remains paralyzed. I just want to run to him and beg him not to leave me.
But I just can’t.
My face is wet with tears and the rest of my poor broken heart explode in insignificant particles that fly away from me with him. I take finally control of my lips but as my heart is dying to scream and shout, a ridiculous whisper comes out of my mouth:
- Kazu…
*****
My head hits the floor and my alarm hurts my ears with that fucking ringing of its. The awakening is painful today. I stand up and shut off that stupid technology before I rub my poor painful back due to the position in which I was just lying. I open the windows of my bedroom. The sun is shining brightly. Today will surely be a wonderful day. I sigh and move to my bathroom while yawning.
My name is Ohno Satoshi, I’m 32 and I’m an art teacher in high school. 6 years ago, my boyfriend broke up with me without giving me any reason and we haven’t seen each other since then. We have been together for 4 years at that time. We met each other at college when he had just entered it and by chance, that was me who was his guide in the establishment.
We weren’t in the same courses but we progressively became very relatives and then fell in love. I loved him more than anything and the memory of our breakup is as painful as the moment I lived it. This scene, I see it in my dreams almost every night. The last one was one of them, unfortunately.
Showered and dressed up, in the kitchen, I take a look at the clock on the wall. Too late for a coffee, I’ll take it at school before my first lesson. I take my bag, put my shoes and my jacket on and go out.
When I go through the entrance courtyard of the school, some students greet me, mostly girls, and I greet them back with a smile. It’s not to show me off but I have my little success among my students. I slide finally the door of the teachers’ room and greet my colleagues before going to my desk and sit down on my chair. A few seconds later, my friend, Matsumoto Jun, enter the room with a happy face and come to sit beside me.
- Yo Satoshi ! He says.
- Ohayo Jun-kun. I answer without much motivation.
- Oh… you’re not doing well, am I wrong?
- I have not had my morning coffee yet, I fell off from my bed and I dreamed of that day again.
- You mean that day ?
- Hum…
- Tsk… you don’t think you should better forget it and move forward? When was that? 3 years ago?
- It was 6 years ago, Jun.
- Well, it’s time for you to meet someone else, another man or even a woman who knows?”
I grin despite me and hit him at his arm. He laughs and I do so.
- I understand that you want me to move on and be happy but I loved Kazunari more than anyone. He was my only love, I don’t know if I will fall in love with someone else or even if I want to.
- You’ll see. Someday it’ll come.
He stand up from his chair and look at his wrist where is his watch.
- We have 20 minutes till the first hour, I take you a coffee?
- If you agree. I say.
*****
- The lesson is over. Congratulations to all of you, your works are all well done. I’ll see you tomorrow.
The bell is ringing and my students pack their stuff in an awful noise. When they are finally out, I take my bag and I’m getting ready to go out of the class too but my phone stops me. I pick it up while I sit up on a stool habitually reserved for the students.
- Moshi Moshi, Ohno desu.
- Ohno-kun? Ninomiya Kazuko there, remember? Kazunari’s mother…
At the mention of the name of my ex-lover, my heart beats faster in my chest.
- Hai…I answer with a low voice.
- Can we…see each other, as soon as possible?
- Yes, I just finished at work, but…
- It would be better if you come now.
- Okay…i…will come soon…
- Do you remember where we live ?
- Yes of course.
- Jaa…I see you then.
I hang up. My heart is still pounding fast. Why Ninomiya-san wants me to come? Why it is not Kazunari who calls me directly? A lot of another questions rush in my head but stay here is useless, I must go to his mother’s house.
All the way, I can't help but feeling a terrible joy and fear, imagining the best like the worst and before I realize it, I’m facing the Ninomiya’s house.
It has not changed since the last time I came here. I cross the aisle and ring the bell. My ex’s mother open the door, dressed in her apron and with a tired face. She has not changed either. She let me enter and while she guide me across a hallway, the fatal question goes suddenly out of my mouth.
- Is Kazunari… Alright ?
Ninomiya-san looks at me, startled, sad and maybe a little scared. But she does not say a word. Does it mean that he’s not doing well? Or that she doesn’t know what to say? I want to know, even if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. His happiness and health is the most important to me.
His mother let me enter the living room and I don’t believe what I see. This portrait of my lover in a black frame, this smell of incense and this flower vase in front of me… It’s at that time that I understand. I understand that I will not see Kazunari anymore. The reality is harder than everything I had imagined on my way to come here. This time, everything is definitely over.
I fall down on my knees, not even noticing the pain, and cry in silence while Ninomiya-san comes next to me and put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. My throat is tied and prevents me to talk. However, a word comes out of my mouth.
- How?
The woman plunge her hand in the pocket of her apron and gives me an envelope with my name written on it.
- You should read that, he wrote it before his death. She says
I open the envelope and find a piece of paper almost entirely covered of black. No doubts, it is his handwriting. My hands shiver, I hesitate to read it but I must do so. These are his last words for me and I want to understand our breakup. I wash up my tears and go through his last letter.
Satoshi,
If you read this letter, it probably means that I’m not in this world anymore. I understand that the fact of me writing a letter for you after what happened between us maybe sounds weird to you, but since my death is near, I need to confess all the truth to you on the paper while I can still do it.
How are you? You must be a wonderful and super popular teacher ne? I would have liked to be there to see that. I want you to know that break up with you hurt me more than anything and it was the biggest error of my life. But I was forced to… Not by my parents, of course but…
No, I must tell you from the beginning.
6 years ago, approximately one month before we broke up, we argued about something stupid. I was so angry that I left our apartment and went to a bar. I had a few drinks and I met a woman, her name was Chiemi. We talked a lot and also… drank a lot.
The next morning, we woke up in her bed, without any clothes or doubt about what we had done while we were drunk. We made the decision to return to our lives and forget that night. You and I were reconciled and I had not seen Chiemi… Until the day before we broke up. That famous day, my mother called me and asked me to come as soon as I could. Chiemi was there with her parents. They were furious and their daughter was crying. They ordered me to sit and told me why they came: That night Chiemi and me had conceived a child.
The news had fall on my head like an entire building. Chiemi’s parents refused that she aborted, so I had to marry her and obviously, leave you. We moved in a little apartment. Even if we were married, I talked almost never with her, I was drinking every night and I was spending the first months of this new life while crying every time I was alone hoping to wake up from this nightmare. I had never forgiving me for what I did to you, for the harm I did to you.
After three or four months, I was in an awful state. When I saw myself in a mirror, I could only see the horror I had become. I had dark circles under the eyes that deepened with the time due to the tiredness and the tears and I was losing weight visibly since I wasn't eating much. My father-in-law lectured me all the time because I was not a good husband for her daughter and if she wasn't pregnant he would have convinced her to divorce. But I didn’t really care, you were the only one who mattered to me.
One day, I had an emergency call from the hospital at my job. Chiemi had been admitted urgently but I could not understand what the woman from the hospital was trying to explain to me. I knew only that she was in serious condition. I will remember this moment perfectly until my last breath. My blood had iced in my veins in a second and my heart was beating with an incredible strength in my chest. I had rushed in the hospital and when I arrived, they told me to wait. I had never wanted that, and if she died? Chiemi would have been so much happier if I had never talked to her at that bar… I was really the worst of assholes…
After a few hours, a doctor came out of the surgery room, covered with blood. I almost collapsed while imagining the worst and he only confirmed my toughs: they could not save Chiemi. Strangely, I had not cried. I couldn't. On the contrary, I seen in her death a way to escape from this life that I had not wanted. I was maybe selfish and cynical but I prepared already myself to not recognize the child as mine, give it to an institution and do all I can to come back to you.
After, seeing the corpse of my dead wife, the doctor asked me to come with him. I followed him, thinking that he needed that I sign some papers. Instead of that, he guided me to a care room. I panicked, I never wanted to see this child in any case, and tried to escape but he held me firmly by the shoulders. I will never be able to thank him properly for that. We entered, he moved away a few seconds to take something in a corner and came back to place it in the crook of my arms.
From that moment on, that day became the most beautiful of my life. I had the eighth wonder of the world in my arms, a tiny warm being sleeping against me. For a few minutes, I had the feeling that we were only the two of us in the world. Even you, you had not the slightest importance to me when I was looking at that perfect little face. My poor broken heart had warmed up instantly, I smiled and yet I was crying again. I could not abandon it anymore. The doctor said right after that I had a baby girl, I had a daughter and I was surely the happiest of all.
Since then, I took my life in hands and raised my daughter the best I could. It was not easy everyday especially because Chiemi’s parents left me alone with her. At the time I write this letter, I have not seen them since the death of their daughter. Of course, I missed you still so much but I was too afraid to tell you the truth and then you throw me as I did with you. On the other hand, I had not losing an occasion to tell her about you, about what we lived together and she always listened to me with a wide smile. She’s my treasure, the most precious thing in my life and I thought that we’ll be able to continue to live peacefully.
I was wrong.
One year ago, I had severe headaches which lasted entire days and made me bang my head against the walls when my little one was not around. I went to see a doctor and after a bunch of medical examinations, the diagnosis had fallen. Brain tumor. He gave me a treatment that I took in secret. It was not enough and I ended up in hospital. My mother was furious that I hid such a serious thing even to her. I took another treatment that weakened me a lot; my daughter could only see me through a window between my room and the hallway. That was what hurt me even more than the disease and the medicines but I had to be strong, for her.
Months later, I had a surgery and I finally saw a hope light in this dark tunnel but it only served to reduce the tumor that was always there and that, not so long after, started to grow even faster. This time, I was under a treatment that made me sick as a dog. No one can imagine the pain I was enduring without having experienced it. I could not stand it anymore, I had endured everything for my daughter but I just could not anymore. I asked the doctors to stop all of this and let me die.
At the time I write this letter, it’s been three weeks that I don’t take any treatment. I can enjoy my last moments almost entirely. I wish you were there but how to explain this to you? It’s been years since I gave this idea up and I don’t want you to see me in this state. They give me painkillers to “be more comfortable” and when I hurt too much, they put me to sleep sometimes up to a few days, it happened not so long ago.
I have to take advantage of the little time I have left, they told me that when the disease will be really advanced, I may not be myself anymore; I may lose my memory and become delirious. My daughter comes every day to see me at hospital and we spend maximum of time together. When I’ll start to lose my mind, I asked my mother to tell her I’m dead. I don’t want her to remember me like this.
But, Satoshi, this is what I wanted to ask you. When I’m dead, she will not have anyone except for my mother. Maybe you will refuse, you may think that it’s crazy or anything but… Please adopt her and take care of her for me. She’s so young… I ask you as a last will, take care of Satoe…
I always loved you Satoshi, please never forget me…
Kazunari.
My tears are flowing again. It’s way worse than anything I’d imagined. Kazunari was forced to get married, was unhappy and died in a hospital bed without me by his side. Why didn't he called me to see him one last time, even in a pitiful state? To know that he had such an end of life tears my heart more than everything I’d felt until today. Ninomiya-san faces me, she’s still crying too.
- I'm sorry, Satoshi-kun. The parents of that woman, Chiemi, didn't leave us the choice. I told him to find you and explain the situation to you but he was too ashamed of himself to do so. If only you had seen him after Satoe-chan’s birth, he was so radiant, so fulfilled, so happy till… that day.
- I would have forgiven him in a second…
- I know. As the doctors said us, his last days were very painful. He didn’t recognize me anymore, he could not express himself properly, he became almost violent; then he fell into coma and the next day… he passed away. It was a week ago.
She wash her tears away.
- What do you plan to do about Satoe-chan?
- I don’t know…
- Do you want to see her?
- I don’t know…
- I understand that you must be upset, it is better for you to take your time to think about it. Even if you decide to not take her with you, it’s nothing, I’ll take care of her.
The silence is the master in the room for a few minutes. I can't think properly anymore after all what I’ve heard. The only one that occupies my mind is him, not his daughter. I really feel bad for not having been with him on his death.
Later, his mother escorts me to the frontdoor and before I leave the house, she holds me and tells me a last thing.
- Satoshi-kun, his body has already been cremated but… we'll honour him the day after tomorrow. I suppose that you’ll be there.
I smile to her sadly and I nod before heading back home, my head still clouded by all that I had just learned.
[Chapter 2]
Chapter 2
A ringing wake me this morning but not my alarm. It is Saturday today. I open my eyes and understand quickly that it’s the ringing of my front door. I stand from my bed and go to the frontdoor to open it. Jun is there, joyful.
- Hey! You let me in?
- Hum…
I let him in. He takes his shoes off in the genkan while I close the door and we go together to my kitchen where I start to make some coffee.
- You want some? I ask him showing him the instant coffee package.
- Yeah, thank you. You look depressive again, your break up dream?
I stop in my task when the memories of the previous day come back at the speed of light. I turn to my friend.
- No. Yesterday, I received a call from Kazunari’s mother and I went to her house.
- And? You finally saw him after all those years?
I smile bitterly before giving my answer.
- No he passed away one week ago. Brain tumor.
I’m not talking about Kazunari’s fatherhood and marriage. Jun doesn’t need to be aware of that.
- I’m sorry.
- It’s nothing, you didn’t know him.
I turn on the coffee machine and wait till the cups are full. I give one to Jun and take mine to go sit in front of him at the table. We drink in silence a little time.
- Why did you come?
- Nothing in particular. He says shrugging the shoulders.
- I see, you came again to enjoy my apartment?
- I have a ton of tests to correct. It’s not funny when I’m alone!
I roll my eyes but his puerility still manages to snatch me a smile. I see him taking a pile of tests and a red pen from the bag he brought with him and start his task. Jun is a chemistry and biology teacher. He is the same age as Kazu, a little younger I think. We know each other since I work in high school, so approximatively 5 years. If we talk about seniority in the school, he’s my senpai, he’s been teaching there since one year already when I arrived. Before that, I was giving some drawing lessons here and there and especially in an elementary school but I must say that I’m much better with my stable job at high school.
- What the fuck gave me such a stupid student ?! growls Jun, dived in his corrections.
I let him to go shower. Tomorrow, we'll honour Kazunari. I may see his daughter, obviously. I don’t really want to, to be honest. But I can’t help thinking about her, if she looks like him, if she had inherit those mischievous eyes that make me dreaming or his little cute pout that I could not resist too long. I’ll see tomorrow. What was her name again? Ah, yes, Satoe. I smile sadly now that I realize finally that he use a name derivate from mine to name her and before I realize it, the tears are flowing again on my cheeks, fortunately hided by the shower. It’s way too hard to think about him now that I know he’s not there anymore.
When I go out of the bathroom, Jun have almost finish with his corrections. At the time I come in the room, he turns to me and put down his pen on the table.
- Everything’s alright? You have been in the bathroom for a while.
- Hum, daijoubu. I say sitting on my couch.
I turn on the TV and try to concentrate to the program airing hoping he won’t ask me anything else about that, I’m not in the mood for that. Hopefully, he says nothing and my eyes kept caught by the screen. A little time after, I hear him taking all his stuff back in his bag and he comes to sit beside me.
- You’ll go to his funeral?
- Of course.
- You’re not worrying about seeing his boyfriend?
- I have no worry to make, he died single.
- Don’t say me that he didn't have anyone in his life for 6 years? Especially if it was him who broke up with you…
- You don’t know him, Jun.
- He was a man like another…
- Stop… I say by clenching the theeth.
- Honestly, I don’t know why you stayed stuck to him while he probably had a lot of good time with other men all these years…
- SHUT UP! I scream.
He knows nothing, he don’t know him. And the fact that he makes hypothesis on what Kazunari had lived these 6 last years makes my blood boiling in my veins. Jun says nothing anymore and stares at me not moving any single toe. I stand up, furious.
- You don’t know anything about him or what he lived so if you only needed some company to correct your fucking tests, you can go, the door is there!
He’s not answering me and looks up before taking his bag and go to the front door.
- Satoshi-kun, I think you need to be alone. I know you loved him, I should not have say that. If you wanna talk, you know my number and my address ne?
And then he leaves. My rage does not decrease. The TV is starting to make me crazy and I turn it off before let me fall in my couch again. My thoughts take advantage of this moment to project the memory of Kazunari before my eyes.
*flashback*
I’m drawing, sitting in the park of the university. I look up to better observe the landscape before my gaze goes back to my sheet to immortalize the view on a page of my sketchbook. When my eyes leave the paper again, a younger student stands right before me, a gentle smile on his face. We look each other in the eyes for seconds and he finally break the silence.
- Konnichiwa! Do you remember me? You were my guide in the university three days ago.
- Ah…oh…hum.
He laughs. That boy is really beautiful when he laughs and my heart accelerate like crazy at this moment.
- You look sleepy. He says. I wanted to thank you. You’re an art student isn’t it?
- Hum…
- Me too, but rather in photography than in drawing or painting, I’m not very good at that.
He shows me his camera, pretty sophisticated and expensive looking, hanging on his neck before sitting down beside me in the grass. He gives me his hand.
- Ninomiya Kazunari, but everyone calls me Nino and you?
- Ohno Satoshi. I say giving him a handshake.
The said Nino, bend over to look at my sketchbook where my drawing takes shape. I can see his face light up brightly.
- You’re pretty good! Well…it’s logic, otherwise you would not have been able to enter this university. Is this for a class project?
- Hum no. I like to sit down anywhere and drawing what I see, it relaxes me. And you? Are you searching for anything to photography for your lessons?
- No, I found it. He says, a grin on his face while he takes his camera and a bright flash hit my eyes.
He looks at the picture he just took and shows it to me. Realizing he just photographed me, my cheeks become instantly red and that only makes the things worse when I see my stupid dazed face on the little screen.
- You’re not a bad model you know?
My heart beat frantically in my chest and I stammer.
- You…you think so?
- Hum! Well, I need to go now.
He stands up and rubs his pants a little and don’t forget to give me another of his adorable smile.
- I could need a model for my photos. When the time will come, I’ll think about you, Satoshi-kun. Jaa, thank you, it was cool, bye!
He runs immediately away from me, leaving me open-mouthed, scarlet and heart ready to pounce on my chest.
*end of flashback*
*****
At almost 5 o’clock, I’m just before the hall reserved by Ninomiya-san to honour his son. When I enter it, I go sit at a table, alone. I look around me. The hall is not so big but a lot of persons are here. A few I know, others that I never seen.
They are all regrouped in little groups scattered in the hall. Far from me, I can see two college friends of my ex-lover talking to his mother, family members and neighbors that I already met, children but none who is as young as his daughter must be. I wonder where she can be.
There is a stage, a few meters from me, with a mic and a portrait of my beloved on a display decorated with flowers. I sight. Ninomiya-san leaves the college friends and go on this stage. She talk on the mic and ask us to sit at the tables. She then tell some words In memory of the deceased and then she offers to anyone to come and express himself. She comes down and spots me to come sit down with me.
- Thank you for coming, Satoshi-kun.
- I would never miss it for anything in the world. It was very beautiful… What you told before.
- Thank you.
I was about to ask her where kazunari’s daughter could be but a woman took the mic to talk. It was one of my beloved’s colleagues. Then it was an uncle, one of the two friends from before, a cousin and the old neighbor who live beside his mother’s house. When she finally finish her speech, Ninomiya-san gives me a little nudge while I applaud.
- Why don’t you go tell a little speech, Satoshi-kun?
- Me?
- Yes, I’m sure that it is what he would have wanted.
- I don’t Know…
- Just go.
She smiles at me warmly and before I realize, I stood up and walk to the stage. I place myself before the mic, the crowd of guests is staring at me and it looks suddenly way bigger and a huge fright grips me.
- Good…good evening, I’m Ohno Satoshi…
A knot forms in my throat. What am I doing here? Kazu’s mother gives me signs to continue. By my left side, my beloved’s portrait smiles at me like he always did and that send me a little courage to continue.
- For 4 years, I was Kazunari’s boyfriend and I must say that it was the most beautiful years of my existence. He was the kindest, the most passionate and the most generous man I had known. I loved him so much and…
At the thought of our breakup tears comes up to my eyes. I stop, bend the head over and try to content it. Without any success.
- He left me 6 years ago without telling me anything and my life had never been the same but I was informed days ago that I haven’t been the most unfortunate of the two of us. Kazunari broke up with me with no other choice, he took his responsibilities as a father and he had this disease that destroyed him… If he can hear me, I would like for him to know that I love him and I would have give him the entire world uncompromising.
My face is wet with tears. My nerves broke. I quit the stage and run out of the hall instead of return to my chair and I find myself in the hallway. A little girl stands before me and stares at me, dressed up in a pretty black dress just like her long hair. In her arms, she squeezes a teddy bear with a blue ribbon around its neck tightly.
It’s her.
I see it at this deep dark gaze and this cute and round familiar little face. I wash my tears and fall to her height. She don’t move and continue to stare at me. I smile.
- You’re Satoe-chan, right?
- My daddy said me to not talking to peoples I don’t know.
I laugh, Kazunari was a good father indeed.
- Your father’s right.
- He’s not here anymore, he left to the heaven.
- That’s right. Why don’t you stay by your grandmother’s side? Why do you stay here all alone ?
She shakes her head and squeezes her plush tighter.
- I’m afraid with all those big people. And you? Don’t you stay with them?
- I was very very sad and I wanted to go outside to take some fresh air.
- And why don’t you go anymore?
- Because of the cute little girl all alone you are. It’s unfair no?
She takes suddenly a closer look to me and then run to a little bag, maybe hand-sewed, and she takes out a piece of paper out of it and comes back to me. Her gaze turns from it to me and from me to it for a while and then her face lights up exactly like her father’s that day we met and she embrace me.
- Satoshi-kun!
When she let me go, she shows me the paper, it’s this famous photo her father takes the day we met.
- You're my daddy’s lover!
- Yes, yes, but…
- He said that I can trust you and that you’ll be protecting me when he’s leaving!
I don’t know what to do, that sparkling eyes, that smile… That reminds so much things. What must I do? Kazunari asked me to raise her, he placed all of his hopes in me to take care of her but… I don’t know how to raise children properly. However, I have the feeling that we have so much in common, so much to share. It is why my mouth opened by itself and say:
- Do you want to live with me?
She looks at me a little time and then embraces me again tightly.
- Hum!