(Untitled)

[neen11]

Chapter 1

Doubles had always been Seigaku’s weakest point and since the Golden Pair had split up it had only become worse. Luckily they'd managed to create something of a stop gap by teaming Oishi with Momoshiro. While they weren't as good as the Golden Pair they were still capable. And now they were about to face the biggest challenge, Hyotei

Comments

[izzyntsherandom]

Hmm... I like it. I think maybe Oishi goes too far; I can't imagine him calling Eiji a whore for that whatever his state of mind. (But then, what do I know about romantic relationships?) Your Eiji and Fuji and Tezuka were great though, and I can't fault the little of Momo we saw either, except to say that he might've spoken up in protest which could've angered Oishi a bit (because of course Momo wouldn't want him to think it's true if it was, especially since he's reacting so badly at Eiji for it) and caused Oishi to accidentally tighten his grip on Eiji's arm and maybe twist it as he turned to yell at Momo. Just trying to think of other things to cause Fuji to come over than the whore comment and maybe the nearly-slap. Though I think you can keep the latter in, though maybe give it slightly more provocation- just some return-insult from Eiji or something perhaps, because I can see him reacting that way in that situation. Feel free to ignore all this though!
You write very directly, which can be a good thing- you note all the necessary detail without being overly descriptive (far preferable to endless references to the characters' hair and the state of the nearby foliage!). The way you described Fuji's eyes was perfect- it's just something that leapt out at me, because lots of writers don't manage it!

[neen11]

Sankyuu!!! I think your right i'mm go change it

*scribles away furiously* Voila hope thats better.