[01 - Video] Arrival
[The video flicks on and Tammy is blinking in confusion at the journal. At the sight of the video on the page her eyes widen.]
Oh shi-
[The feed cuts off abruptly.
Roughly twenty minutes later, the video starts again. This time she's clearly expecting it. And in the background you can see she's now outside.
Her tone drips sarcasm. It reeks of sarcasm. ( Read more... )
Oh shi-
[The feed cuts off abruptly.
Roughly twenty minutes later, the video starts again. This time she's clearly expecting it. And in the background you can see she's now outside.
Her tone drips sarcasm. It reeks of sarcasm. ( Read more... )
Welcome to the Keep, otherwise known as the land where dreams come true! 2 Try not to slip on that dripping sarcasm, as it can cause quite a nasty stain.
Less-than-sincerely,
Your Diary
1 - Were you looking for something a little more embellished? That treatment is reserved for the more elegant, established folk - such as myself.
2 - This is a matter of interpretation, if you ask me. My interpretation runs in the positive, for there's a certain joy in the fact that I'm here and certain other parties are not.
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I suspect you've been possessed. Or hacked.
Sucks, don't it?
No sympathy,
Tammy
P.S. Don't worry, my shoes have plenty of traction. Though I doubt you would have fretted that fact.
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You are entirely too misinformed to expect a spirit of my magnitude to be found possessing a mere transcription of inane teenage fantasies. An archaic tome, perhaps, or something writ in the blood of a thousand albino camels. But I wouldn't be caught sealed in glittery green penmanship.
I appreciate your attempt to solicit my friendship and goodwill by handing over your name, but it falls short. Might I suggest building a few temples to my honour and immortality? 3
Wittily,
Your Diary
3 - Avoid the tacky Mayan variety. Pure Egyptian architecture would do you far more favour. Though I doubt you could build one with the exquisite skill of yours truly.
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Why the hell would I build temples in honor of a book? Sure, that works for some people, but look where that gets them.
Or did you mean I should be constructing Egyptian pyramids for whoever is coyly posing as my diary? 'Cause if that's the case, how about no?
But rest assured my failure to solicit friendship will wound me greatly. I'll carry it with me forever. Right here.
Going to weep into my pumpkin,
Tammy
P.S. Build your own pyramid. I deal with enough ego.
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There are thousands of altars built for mere novels. 4 Whether the endeavour benefits you really isn't the question. This is about devoting yourself to what is obviously a higher being.
Avoid weeping too intimately with the pumpkin as it would be a shame if it bonked you on the head when it turned into a carriage at midnight. 5
Superiorily,
Your Diary
P.S. I've been there, done that, and wore the t-shirt while dancing around as a hippo. There's no point in doing it again when I could turn the tables and have a human do it for me.
4 - Christianity is the best example zealots prancing about the world's backyard and erecting churches by the dozen. You can also see the temple addiction in certain Asian cultures, a handful of pagan pursuits, and the followers of the sacred trend Hot Topic ( ... )
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That was kind of my point in saying that it worked for some people, but look where it got them. Christians are battle happy, Asian cultures have been co-opted by the terminally stupid, and Hot Topic basically just serves as evidence of this.
And please. If this pumpkin is going to turn into anything, it'll be the girl carved into it. Because that would be the logical result, right? I'll hold my breath for that.
Turning blue,
Tammy
P.S. Must've been a pretty big t-shirt, to fit on a hippo. Don't suppose I can find that video online, huh?
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The fault therein is that none of them worship the correct higher power. Consider your actions to be setting the finest of examples to the ignorant masses. You'd be amiss to forget that saying about the only way to do something right. 6
And what backwards, non-existent world do you come from where pumpkins animate into humans? They tend to be carved posthumously and in honour of a certain scheming fellow named Jack. 7
Scoffingly,
Your Diary
P.S. Nothing existed to record it, as there were no cameras three thousand years ago and certainly no line to place them on. 8
6 - Disregard the one that mentions djinni being the only way to do anything right. We regularly surpass the skills of humans, imps, and foliots, but that does not mean we like doing it ( ... )
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You are the last thing in the world I would worship.
[And the following is written in a scratchy text of indeterminate language--indeterminate to anyone that doesn't know it, anyway. Sup Bart.]For someone so old, you are failing at the finer points of sarcasm. Not spent a lot of time inside of a human?
[And back to English!]
The backwards world I come from hardly matters, since apparently it never existed in the first place.
But that said, I never bothered to learn pumpkin lore. I was more interested in the baked pumpkin seeds that the season heralded.
May your lamp ever be rubbed while you're in the bathtub,
Tammy
P.S. I would have thought trivial things like that wouldn't have stopped someone of you insurmountable talents.
[That other language!]That's sarcasm.
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What a depraved and disgusting suggestion! Were it even possible, I can assure you that I would be the last djinni in line for such a torment. Having physical form causes me ache enough without making it permanent.
[With a shudder to the text, he shifts seamlessly into English to match the remaining statements; the Diary guise is dropped, lost in how aghast he is at that suggestion.]There, there. Nothing wrong with the dissolution of an entire world and the realisation that it was nothing more than a construct in your mind. Try not to cry too much, or it'll blot up your penmanship ( ... )
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Depraved and disgusting? I see. Where or when you come from, human habitation is not a requirement. How do you feed yourself then?
[English, and Tammy is only too happy to drop that diary nonsense. It was fun at first but frankly the horse is dead, it's time to give it a proper burial and move on.]
If my heartbreak over taking the red pill overcomes me I've got tissues. Or my sleeve.
Magicians, huh? Can't say I've come across too many of those. Not in real life, anyway. Or what I assumed was real life. And if you don't want them to have the knowledge, why give it to them in the first place?
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Your knowledge is remarkably insightful, for sheer ignorance. You speak of humans, and then act as nothing more than one. Having a bit of a personality disorder issue, are we?
9 - As you have all the education of a particularly ungifted rock, I will elaborate. Imps and foliots are the standard fare, but I have been known to ingest the occasional djinni or human.
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A bit of a disorder would be an understatement, believe me. But I try and ignore it.
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Dear Terrible Taste,
There's a natural invalidity to your statement by the simple fact that you think residing in a human is a perfectly acceptable pastime. Don't be insulted, 10 but I can hardly trust the tastes of an insult to djinnikind.
Sincerely,
Doing It Right For 5,000 Years
~
Dear Voices In My Head,
Have you ever thought about dismissing it? A few short words and the problem would be done. 11
Condescendingly,
The Voice of Reason
10 - Actually: Do take insult. There's no point in wasting a good dig.
11 - It's remarkable how few magicians take that advice to heart. Think of all the blood pressure issues they could be free of if they but let me idle in the Other Place.
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Just a few simple words, huh? And what words might thos--why would I take insult from a creature who clearly doesn't know the first thing about proper human possession? Stop filling this head with lies.--e be?
[That interruption pisses Tammy off far more than she's letting on.]
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