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Dear someone who'll just listen,
I thought i was strong, but i just seem so fragile at the moment, like any second i could break down and not be able to pick myself up again. I can't pinpoint whats wrong, and i don't know how i'm going to.
I wake up everyday feeling drained, i want to cry at everything, however tiny it is, that goes wrong. I wake up feeling so huge, so fat, and i end up having to try on about 6 different outfits to try and make myself look reasonable. But it doesn't work, i have to give up in the end and put up with looking fat. I had my hair cut shortish and no-one likes it, including me. It makes me look so odd. It makes my insecurities about my looks even worse.
College is so god damn hard. I feel as though i'm failing everything, even if in reality I'm not. I'm struggling with being able to learn everything and keep it in my mind. Its so hard, and i need to do well, i need to please people, i need to meet everyones expectations, i need to fulfil my dream, but it feels as though thats an impossibility at the moment. I want to be a doctor, but i don't think i'm clever enough. The future is scaring me so much. I want to go back to being a little kid, playing in the sand, not a care in the world. I wish i could be that age again.
I'm completely head over heels in love with Aj, but it scares me so much how much i need him. I don't think i'd be able to survive without him, he is literally the reason i get up every morning, he's the reason i live, he's the reason i put up with things. And because i love him so much, i have the desperate need to be perfect for him, i NEED to be thin, i NEED to be happy. But it's just not possible.
I'm continously tired and unable to concentrate, i just want to feel normal again. I want to be energized again.
My friends are amazing, but i can't talk to them about things. I suppose i could talk to Verity, but i don't want to burden her and make her feel like i'm a loser. Some of my friends are really annoying me too, i think everything is at the moment. Sometimes i just want to scream.
This is a load of rambling, and nothing sounds particularly bad. But i just needed to write some of it down, take it off my chest. I have no-one i can really talk to about everything, and i need to pretend someone really is listening.
x
I thought i was strong, but i just seem so fragile at the moment, like any second i could break down and not be able to pick myself up again. I can't pinpoint whats wrong, and i don't know how i'm going to.
I wake up everyday feeling drained, i want to cry at everything, however tiny it is, that goes wrong. I wake up feeling so huge, so fat, and i end up having to try on about 6 different outfits to try and make myself look reasonable. But it doesn't work, i have to give up in the end and put up with looking fat. I had my hair cut shortish and no-one likes it, including me. It makes me look so odd. It makes my insecurities about my looks even worse.
College is so god damn hard. I feel as though i'm failing everything, even if in reality I'm not. I'm struggling with being able to learn everything and keep it in my mind. Its so hard, and i need to do well, i need to please people, i need to meet everyones expectations, i need to fulfil my dream, but it feels as though thats an impossibility at the moment. I want to be a doctor, but i don't think i'm clever enough. The future is scaring me so much. I want to go back to being a little kid, playing in the sand, not a care in the world. I wish i could be that age again.
I'm completely head over heels in love with Aj, but it scares me so much how much i need him. I don't think i'd be able to survive without him, he is literally the reason i get up every morning, he's the reason i live, he's the reason i put up with things. And because i love him so much, i have the desperate need to be perfect for him, i NEED to be thin, i NEED to be happy. But it's just not possible.
I'm continously tired and unable to concentrate, i just want to feel normal again. I want to be energized again.
My friends are amazing, but i can't talk to them about things. I suppose i could talk to Verity, but i don't want to burden her and make her feel like i'm a loser. Some of my friends are really annoying me too, i think everything is at the moment. Sometimes i just want to scream.
This is a load of rambling, and nothing sounds particularly bad. But i just needed to write some of it down, take it off my chest. I have no-one i can really talk to about everything, and i need to pretend someone really is listening.
x