Candyman Verse [Timestamp for lelelego]
Five times Castiel had to suffer through a family reunion
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: No pairings
Notes: Takes place before Lelelego’s pic and fic. Three OFCs are added in to balance the testosterone level in the Novak household to represent the unnamed angels in SPN (don’t worry, they’re just side characters). This has also been crossposted on tumblr.
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1. There’s a reason why he chose to be an elementary teacher in Austin, Texas, and it wasn’t because he liked the scenery.
Dinners with Zachariah and Joshua are too polite and too silent. The whole evening is filled with tight smiles and false pleasantries as Zachariah makes another scathing remark (disguised as harmless inquiries and comments) about his job as a ‘common teacher’.
Joshua is the mellowest of the Novaks, and the only one who tries to keep the peace. The only thing Castiel cannot stand about him is that he is too vague. Joshua’s answers are never really answers at all. He’d like to think that he enjoys Joshua’s presence (Joshua will always be more tolerable than Zachariah), but Joshua always diverts Zachariah’s attention to him, so Castiel doesn’t really like Joshua all that much.
When dinner is over Joshua sends them out with curt goodbyes. None of the pretend that the fleeting sneer Zachariah gives them was a trick of the light.
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2. He doesn’t actually go for lunch with Lucifer but the phone call leadingup to the (cancelled) lunch was uncomfortable and awkward enough to count.
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3. Gabriel invites Castiel to eat brunch with him.
And by ‘brunch’ he means ‘dessert’, because Gabriel has no idea what a balanced diet is, nor does he eat anything other than dessert and junk food.
Gabriel describes the restaurant they’re in as ‘sinful’ and ‘totally worth the price’. As every dessert on the menu probably contains illegal portions of sugar and fats on them, Castiel just orders a glass of water [he’d already eaten breakfast anyway].
The look on Gabriel’s (and the waiter’s) face is priceless.
Then Gabriel proceeds to order the most expensive and sinful looking dessert the restaurant can provide, before shooing the waiter away.
After twenty minutes of slightly awkward conversation, Gabriel’s dessert finally arrives. Castiel takes one look at it and refills his water, taking a large sip.
Gabriel ‘convinces’ him to take a small bite. Castiel hesitantly scoops up some of the ice-cream and eats it. He then proceeds to down the rest of his water.
It doesn’t get rid of the taste at all.
Gabriel makes a comment about how he ‘doesn’t appreciate the finer things in life’ and they part ways afterwards.
It takes a day of him constantly brushing his teeth and only eating bread before the aftertaste completely goes away.
Castiel wonders what state Gabriel’s taste-buds are in.
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4. The camping trip with Anna, Balthazar and Gabriel is something neither of them wants to discuss. Ever.
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5. Castiel simultaneously hates and admires Joshua for managing to gather (almost) every member of the Novak household under one roof.
Lucifer stands near the door, tense and ready to escape if Michael ever tries to approach him. Michael, on the contrary, stands at the end of the room, chatting amiably with Raphael about their work. Gabriel hasn’t arrived yet (he likes to be fashionably late) and Joshua is nowhere to be found. He would love to converse with Balthazar, but it seems that the man is (yet again) flirting with the maids and butlers, and he does not wish to interrupt.
Anna only arrives halfway through the New Year’s gathering, still wearing her artist’s smock. By then, Gabriel has already forced him to eat ten jawbreakers in a row, while Balthazar comments on Castiel’s (apparently non-existant) fashion sense. Zachariah has also subtly insulted him at least five times already.
Before he can even greet Anna, Rachel has pulled the two of them aside to give them something expensive and perpetually useless once again. This time, she’s given them very, very expensive paint (and paintbrushes). Anna’s happy because she’s an artist, but Castiel has no use for paint. His house is in no need for redecoration and it’s a shame to give it away (and the expression Rachel will make when she finds out isn’t desirable anyway). He decides to put it in his storeroom next to her other gifts to him, like the fountain made of lego bricks and the enormous model of the Dr. Sexy MD logo.
Castiel avoids Uriel as much as possible.
Joshua (barely) keeps the peace and the contempt/snark/sneering is kept to a minimum. Cassiel unintentionally makes Sariel cry again but Rachel’s gift (a week’s stay at a famous animal sanctuary) calms her down, Cassiel silent but thankful.
Halfway through dinner, Kushiel sends all of them (sans the children) a sarcastic, profanity-filled text wishing them a ‘shitty new year’.
Castiel takes his leave halfway through Michael and Lucifer’s heated discussion on the ‘Trickster’, and dismisses Gabriel’s fidgeting as a byproduct of a sugar high.
Anna bids him goodbye by poking his cheek with her new paintbrush (“because hugging is so mainstream”) and Balthazar hugs him, before commenting on the colour of his tie. With this, Castiel drives back (Gabriel loaned him one of his many, many cars) to the hotel room, numerous cans of paint and paintbrushes in the trunk.
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EXTRA:
Nee’s Notes on the Novaks
(An ongoing project)
THE NOVAK FAMILY:
The Big Four (The Elusive Big Brothers):
- GABRIEL: Professional Hedonist. Spends a whole load of his savings on things he really doesn’t need [like all ten of his branded cars). Doesn’t have a full-time job and mooches off his brothers instead. The pockets in his Jacket are obvious Bigger On The Inside. [Being the ‘TRICKSTER’ is one of his part time jobs. We’re not going to tell you the other one.] He is also a big bag of dicks.
- THE TRICKSTER: Every few months, the public can expect the ‘Trickster’ (fondly named by the media) to strike, playing elaborate pranks on random, high-ranking members of society [Though really, they had it coming.]
- LUCIFER: The black sheep of the family. Stormed out of the house after a huge fight with FATHER and MICHAEL. No one really (wants to) know what LUCIFER does for a living, and he certainly isn’t telling anyone. He has a PhD in Horribleness.
- MICHAEL: Holds a high position in the government. No one really knows what his exact job is because when asked, he will make a speech on his important position and no one sticks around to listen. Claims to hate LUCIFER. A lot.
- RAPHAEL: Owns a chain of top-end Pharmacies that only rich people go to because they want to feel posh. Avoids interacting with other family members as much as possible.
The Elders (The Aunts and Uncles):
- JOSHUA: The only person in the family who’s actually related to FATHER and thus the only one who stays in contact with him. As he is the only one FATHER speaks to, he must always be vague. This makes him a very bad and a very good therapist, depending on how you look at it. He can be very blunt at times, though.
- KUSHIEL: (In Judeo-Christian folklore the angel Kushiel, meaning “Rigid One of God”, punishes individuals in Hell) The only member of the NOVAK household that is in a perpetual state of anger. She is the person who inspired Gabriel’s ‘TRICKSTER’ persona. Is the only one immune to Joshua’s vagueness.
- RAHATIEL/RACHEL: (Rahatiel - angel prince of the constellations; name means “to run.”) Changed her name to RACHEL after years of constant name teasing. Works as a ‘high class’ tour guide (you’d be surprised how much rich people like to spend shit loads of money on things that are technically affordable for everyday people) and is busy almost every day. To make up for her absence, she buys Very Expensive Stuff for her relatives. Is the reason why CASTIEL used to own a big fountain made out of Lego bricks when he was 15 before he chucked it into the storeroom.
- ZACHARIAH: One of the few people who dislikes CASTIEL’S (as well as ANNA’S and GABRIEL’S) career choice (everyone else doesn’t really mind). Is the CEO of some big-shot Electronics company (or so everyone thinks, but the truth is much, much further than that). Known to a few (GABRIEL, CASTIEL, ANNA and BALTHAZAR) as ‘MICHAEL’S Unwanted Bitch’ since ZACHARIAH keeps trying to please MICHAELbut MICHAEL really Doesn’t Give A Fuck.
The Other Two (The Younger Siblings):
- CASTIEL: Like ANNA, CASTIEL chose a job that didn’t suit the NOVAKS. He moved to Austin, Texas to work as a Elementary school teacher, and goes back to New York City thrice a year to visit his family. Currently the only NOVAK who has JOSHUA as a therapist. Despite being surrounded by kids everyday, he’s actually quite lonely.
- ANAEL/ANNA: ANAEL became ANNA when she decided that it would be ‘ironic’ to make her name more ‘mainstream’. Is a semi-famous (but not really) artist that moves around a lot and has a hate for anything ‘mainstream’. Is on good terms with her brother, CASTIEL, and they frequently meet up whenever they happen to be nearby. She paints on a canvas made out of obscure newspapers because everybody paints on normal canvases.
The Cousins (The Cousins):
- BALTHAZAR: Described by ANNA as ‘Sassy Gay’, BALTHAZAR owns a chain of French, Fine Dining restaurants all over the world. Avoids THE BIG FOUR as much as possible (with the exception of GABRIEL) and occasionally interacts with CASTIEL and (to a lesser extent) ANNA. THE BIG FOUR avoids him as much as possible (with the exception of GABRIEL) because they’re slightly freaked out by him they do not think much of him.
- URIEL: The only NOVAK who tries to have a normal conversation with LUCIFER. Bought a monocle on a whim and wears it daily. He is “this bigshot in the USA and he earns shitloads of bucketloads of money”, in the author’s own words. He takes care of THE FLEDGLINGS. Once he tried to buy them matching monocles but CASSIEL just walked away and SARIEL put the monocle on her pet bunny instead. Things are awkward between him, ANNA and CASTIEL.
The Fledglings (The Nieces):
- CASSIEL: (Angel of Temperance; Angel of solitude and tears) She only speaks when prompted to, and only in short sentences. Is always seen frowning and has an uncanny ability to make people (especially her younger sister, SARIEL) cry. Eats and drinks very little, and does not see the need for excessive items. She is eleven years old.
- SARIEL: (Angel of guidance; The prince of presence and the angel of healing.) Is naturally a very shy girl who orbits around her older sister. Will talk willingly and come out of her shell when someone finds common ground with her. Tears come easily to her but she recovers from it very fast. She is seven years old/the baby of the family. Wants to become a vet when she grows up.
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{HOW THE NOVAKS CAME TO BE}
1. FATHER and THE ELDERS: The Elders grew up with Father (all of them attended Church), and somehow got roped into helping him take care of his adopted children. The Elders are either a relative (Joshua), a close friend (Rahatiel/Rachel) or someone who grudgingly respects Father (Zachariah and Kushiel). Together, they make a very odd and dysfunctional bunch of middle-aged adults.
2. THE BIG FOUR: The Big Four were the first four children to be adopted by Father. They saw him constantly until they were around their late teens, when Lucifer decided to leave. After that, they saw Father less and less, until they were full responsible for Anna and Castiel (Joshua was instructed by Father not to interfere unless necessary). All four of them have ended up with high-paying jobs, with Raphael being the CEO of a high-end branch of pharmacies, Michael holding a high position in the government and Gabriel and Lucifer having jobs that they rather not tell you about (still pays very well, though).
3. THE OTHER TWO: Anna and Castiel were adopted two or three years after The Big Four started living with Father. Thus, they saw Father often too, and were there to witness The Incident. While the Big Four ended up ended up with high paying jobs (yes, Gabriel too), Anna and Castiel chose a different path, respectively opting to be an artist and a elementary teacher. Neither of them like Zachariah very much, due to his disdain of their life choices, and also because he tends to suck up to Michael a lot.
4. THE COUSINS: Balthazar and Uriel were adopted a while later, so their only opinion of Father is from The Incident. They are cousins simply because they were introduced to the Novaks after the main family (The Big Four and The Other Two) was established. Due to The Incident, they were left in the care of Rachel/Rahatiel, who basically gave them everything they needed (and more) and left them to their own devices. While Balthazar keeps in contact with Anna, Castiel and Gabriel, Uriel tries not to approach Anna and Castiel (there was another incident that nobody talks about) and instead attempts to talk to Lucifer instead (it’s not really working).
5. THE FLEDGLINGS: They were introduced into the Novak family much, much later (a few years after The Incident), and thus are the only members of the family who has not met Father at all. They entered the family in one of the rudest ways possible: Father left them on Kushiel’s doorstep with only a note explaining the situation. Kushiel, being Kushiel, bought them an airplane ticket and literally threw them (probably causing some trauma) into the arms of the nearest relative: Uriel. From then onwards, they have been under Uriel’s custody, and very, very quiet.
Angelic name meanings from:
- http://www.angel-guide.com/names-angels.html
- http://www.angelsghosts.com/angel_names
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kushiel
If you haven't noticed, this timestamp is a load of crack.