(no subject)
It was kind of nice to have this regular weekday off, especially since Mondays are generally shitty at work anyway. I wish I had more motivation; actually I’ve got a skull full of motivation and no energy to put any of it into motion. I needed to go to the grocery store so I could make food, good food. If I continue to eat the shit I am eating I’ll be lucky if I live to get fat, I’ll probably die from this high cholesterol first. I sat down and wrote a grocery list when I was of sound mind earlier today. I go through the patches. Waking up sucks. Sleep doesn’t come when I want it to, I fall in and out of it and dream the most outrageous things, full color and detail. They are interesting the fewer and further between they occur but this is downright maddening.
I washed my car and cleaned it inside and out top to bottom. I got on my knees and spent well over an hour picking bug guts off the front of it. Some of those poor bastards hit my car so hard they chipped my clear coat. Unbelievable. My right arm still hurts a little. It has been poked and probed and bled and abused to the point where it looks like I am up to a different sort of evil. I think the IV took it over the top. On Friday I had myocardial perfusion imaging done. They put an IV in my arm and pumped me full of radioactive Technetium Tc99m Tetrofosmin and threw me under a gamma camera. They found one potential blockage, I don’t know if it is serious, I am assuming not because they removed the heart monitor that I had been wearing under my clothes for a few days prior to that test and let me go home unmonitored until June 6th. Now I have small rouns bruises on my chest and ribs and collar bone area from the little pads plus I had an allergic reaction to the adhesive on the pads. I have a right bundle branch block that is completely unrelated to the block they were looking for with the gamma camera. They are sending me to an electro physiologist to work on the bundle branch block. It could be something minimal they can put little pads on my skin that will help regulate the electrical pulses in a few days or they may have to shock me, no joke, worse case scenario is a pace maker. I am horrified, I have a sense of humor about everything, probably especially things I don’t know how to deal with. I guess its a defense mechanism. I am being funny about this because it helps. When I had the heart monitor on it was obvious even under clothing, it looked like I was wired for a bomb. When I got to work with it on Thursday I went to my boss and told him if he didn’t give me a raise I would have to blow us both up. It was a huge improvement from the day they put the monitor on me I barely made it out of the office and to my car before I had a serious break down. I played that same joke on everybody because it’s easier to tell the real story through laughter than choking up. I have been having chest pains that I can’t recall having before and I think its stress from not knowing exactly what state I am in, I wish they could just tell me.
I feel fragile, my feet aren’t planted in the ground, I have nothing to grasp to when I’m shaken. I want to put my feet down and throw up a steel wall around me and a moat with some man eating sharks around that. I want some foundation, some stability, some protection. People keep saying I’ve got the rest of my life for that, but really how long is that? I probably complain too much and worry way too much. Fucking pessimism.
My neighbors have been making phone rounds checking in because they have closed off access to the island because of a bad car crash with fatalities. My macabre side has me wandering if I will see any evidence of gore or carnage on my way into work tomorrow. I don’t think it was anyone I know but what a fucked up way to end your holiday weekend, poor soul.
I guess its that time again to lay my head down and slip into psycho hi def dreamland. I’m tired but I’m not. I feel like I’ve wasted my long weekend but the lack of responsibility for extra consecutive days is depressing me. I just can’t seem to get comfortable, I can’t find my niche. How long is this going to last?
I washed my car and cleaned it inside and out top to bottom. I got on my knees and spent well over an hour picking bug guts off the front of it. Some of those poor bastards hit my car so hard they chipped my clear coat. Unbelievable. My right arm still hurts a little. It has been poked and probed and bled and abused to the point where it looks like I am up to a different sort of evil. I think the IV took it over the top. On Friday I had myocardial perfusion imaging done. They put an IV in my arm and pumped me full of radioactive Technetium Tc99m Tetrofosmin and threw me under a gamma camera. They found one potential blockage, I don’t know if it is serious, I am assuming not because they removed the heart monitor that I had been wearing under my clothes for a few days prior to that test and let me go home unmonitored until June 6th. Now I have small rouns bruises on my chest and ribs and collar bone area from the little pads plus I had an allergic reaction to the adhesive on the pads. I have a right bundle branch block that is completely unrelated to the block they were looking for with the gamma camera. They are sending me to an electro physiologist to work on the bundle branch block. It could be something minimal they can put little pads on my skin that will help regulate the electrical pulses in a few days or they may have to shock me, no joke, worse case scenario is a pace maker. I am horrified, I have a sense of humor about everything, probably especially things I don’t know how to deal with. I guess its a defense mechanism. I am being funny about this because it helps. When I had the heart monitor on it was obvious even under clothing, it looked like I was wired for a bomb. When I got to work with it on Thursday I went to my boss and told him if he didn’t give me a raise I would have to blow us both up. It was a huge improvement from the day they put the monitor on me I barely made it out of the office and to my car before I had a serious break down. I played that same joke on everybody because it’s easier to tell the real story through laughter than choking up. I have been having chest pains that I can’t recall having before and I think its stress from not knowing exactly what state I am in, I wish they could just tell me.
I feel fragile, my feet aren’t planted in the ground, I have nothing to grasp to when I’m shaken. I want to put my feet down and throw up a steel wall around me and a moat with some man eating sharks around that. I want some foundation, some stability, some protection. People keep saying I’ve got the rest of my life for that, but really how long is that? I probably complain too much and worry way too much. Fucking pessimism.
My neighbors have been making phone rounds checking in because they have closed off access to the island because of a bad car crash with fatalities. My macabre side has me wandering if I will see any evidence of gore or carnage on my way into work tomorrow. I don’t think it was anyone I know but what a fucked up way to end your holiday weekend, poor soul.
I guess its that time again to lay my head down and slip into psycho hi def dreamland. I’m tired but I’m not. I feel like I’ve wasted my long weekend but the lack of responsibility for extra consecutive days is depressing me. I just can’t seem to get comfortable, I can’t find my niche. How long is this going to last?