(no subject)

[needlesharing]

Days are really getting away from me. This new job keeps me insanely busy, my brain is storming out a tropical despression well on its way to hurricane but mostly all on work related things, as a matter of a fact its almost washed out my personal life. What I call my "personal life" is an excuse compared to most's anyway and not that I party or socialize but personal thoughts and matters outside of work. I actually really used to be sad that I didn't have any friends other than Steven and my brother but now I don't have the time to think about it and besides it actually makes the time spent with them that much more meaningful. I like not having the time or space in my brain to worry or get stressed, though I'm sure its necessary to get it all out. Looking ahead things seem so much brighter and even so for the time being I am a manic depressive. I go through the craziest ups and downs during the day while I am in out and out of dealers, introducing myself, setting up displays, living on the phone with Ray and Tom and my three vendor reps, I am in the best mood then the moment I find myself alone in the car between places or sitting in a restaurant by myself waiting on food the wave hits me and if I don't find something quickly to do or some one to talk to then I lose all of my courage and confidence and start thinking negatively which is followed by nausea and occassionally tears. On car trips music is a good means to control it, something upbeat can prolong the positive feelings, but not infinitely. I try to just imagine that it is bottled up from the past few years and that I have never really had an oppurtunity to let it all out, so thats whats happening now and its perfectly healthy and beneficial. I think that once I get all of that off my chest and the "of the moment" stresses like my vehicle situation resolved, my financial debts cleared and the lingering guilt of not going back to college dissolved, I'll be off this lame roller coaster and in the soundest state of mind I have ever been in. In the mean while...I'm still breathing so we're in business.

Every time I find a void I feel the need to fill it, emptiness calculates out to akwardness but some how I always manage to over fill it. There is an art to working on that kind of stuff and I aspire to master it.

I am not attached to myself. I can't even figure out what kind of mind frame I am in right now, probably the best kind to sleep off.