When it's long cold fingers creep over your shoulder...
...you must not turn to it for comfort, enmity, that is. For it is exactly as it feels, just let its hand slide.
I could not sleep at all last night. I got up and down and tossed and turned and laid awake because my mind was speeding and weaving in and out of all sorts of brain traffic. I remember looking at the clock at least once every hour between 10PM and 5 AM. My mind was cluttered and all the thoughts were disorganized and making me feel like I was at max capacity. I continue to dream about having a little kid, mostly about finding one. I never dream about pregnancy or child birth or infants. I always just find a young child. Maybe I am doomed to adopt, if that’s such a terrible doom anyway, who knows? I wish I could take still shots of some of the scenes in my dreams. Everything is so critically pristine, like I dream in hi-def. Not always but most of the time. I had another child dream last night and I woke up in the middle of it and it continued. I was walking through this beautiful park with this little boy and there were 4 sections to the park, it reminded me of Savannah, anyhow, to get between sections we had to cross a street and there was dead bird that had been hit by a car in the road and it wasn’t squished or mutilated or anything, just dead like it probably flew into the automobile and he picked the bird up and held it just as though it were alive and affectionate with him. I was automatically compelled to begin explaining death for fear he didn’t comprehend the state of things and he was forming some type of physical and/or emotional attachment to this lifeless vessel but before I could spit anything out he asked if we could bury it. I was relieved, he just knew but it got me thinking, I can’t even remember my parents explaining it to me. I must have been born slightly macabre with an encrypted understanding of death and dying because I remember in preschool when our class hamster died and they had to explain to a bunch of boggled, emotional 3 and 4 year olds that he was dead, and what exactly being dead is but I already new. So did this little boy, just like me, so maybe he was mine. Anyway, my mind...a place no man ventures bravely, that’s for sure, sometimes it frightens me, even as its very own sole occupant.
That’s was really a trivial part of what was going inside of it last night too and look how much I had to say. I am so long winded. The rest was work. I pondered endlessly on how to tell Neil I am resigning, I am afraid I just will not be able to sell my point to him. I am salesman at heart in a lot of different contexts and aspects. Some people are not susceptible to my sales my charm though. Men with domineering personalities in particular, my “sales” intentions are always good but their tyrannical core shuts me out and dictates that I have nothing of worth to say or offer. Neil has this personality, no doubt, and having that personality does not make you an asshole or anything, just impossible at times. No matter how my words are ordered or presented. If I could telepathically communicate it all to him then maybe he would not be able to repel it and absorption would be imminent in a non-threatening and sincere way. Sometimes words are just tools or weapons of misinterpretation and especially when someone takes tone and expression into no consideration. I really do have something to offer him in leaving for this new job though. I am means to a very good outcome for him if he parts with me on good terms, just not from behind a desk in his customer service office though. I wish myself luck on this.
As for the new job I don’t think I even really have a good grasp of what I am stepping into. It’s a good thing for sure but I believe I am really on the brink of something explosive. I am so entrepreneur minded, and I have never been given a position to run with it until now but I am a serious asset when given free reign and deep resources. I am going to learn a lot and I hope it’s as financially rewarding as advertised, as I imagine. When I sit down and think about it and do some math on it, I can’t even grasp what kind of revenue it will create but the optimist’s cliff for hanging is far higher than the pessimist’s so I am underestimating like a mother fucker and everything still seems bright.
Wow I need to go unpack some boxes or something, it’s so slow around here and I could write a novel out of an entry if I let myself. I hope we close at four again today I look forward to the luxury of full time accompaniment it comes with.
I could not sleep at all last night. I got up and down and tossed and turned and laid awake because my mind was speeding and weaving in and out of all sorts of brain traffic. I remember looking at the clock at least once every hour between 10PM and 5 AM. My mind was cluttered and all the thoughts were disorganized and making me feel like I was at max capacity. I continue to dream about having a little kid, mostly about finding one. I never dream about pregnancy or child birth or infants. I always just find a young child. Maybe I am doomed to adopt, if that’s such a terrible doom anyway, who knows? I wish I could take still shots of some of the scenes in my dreams. Everything is so critically pristine, like I dream in hi-def. Not always but most of the time. I had another child dream last night and I woke up in the middle of it and it continued. I was walking through this beautiful park with this little boy and there were 4 sections to the park, it reminded me of Savannah, anyhow, to get between sections we had to cross a street and there was dead bird that had been hit by a car in the road and it wasn’t squished or mutilated or anything, just dead like it probably flew into the automobile and he picked the bird up and held it just as though it were alive and affectionate with him. I was automatically compelled to begin explaining death for fear he didn’t comprehend the state of things and he was forming some type of physical and/or emotional attachment to this lifeless vessel but before I could spit anything out he asked if we could bury it. I was relieved, he just knew but it got me thinking, I can’t even remember my parents explaining it to me. I must have been born slightly macabre with an encrypted understanding of death and dying because I remember in preschool when our class hamster died and they had to explain to a bunch of boggled, emotional 3 and 4 year olds that he was dead, and what exactly being dead is but I already new. So did this little boy, just like me, so maybe he was mine. Anyway, my mind...a place no man ventures bravely, that’s for sure, sometimes it frightens me, even as its very own sole occupant.
That’s was really a trivial part of what was going inside of it last night too and look how much I had to say. I am so long winded. The rest was work. I pondered endlessly on how to tell Neil I am resigning, I am afraid I just will not be able to sell my point to him. I am salesman at heart in a lot of different contexts and aspects. Some people are not susceptible to my sales my charm though. Men with domineering personalities in particular, my “sales” intentions are always good but their tyrannical core shuts me out and dictates that I have nothing of worth to say or offer. Neil has this personality, no doubt, and having that personality does not make you an asshole or anything, just impossible at times. No matter how my words are ordered or presented. If I could telepathically communicate it all to him then maybe he would not be able to repel it and absorption would be imminent in a non-threatening and sincere way. Sometimes words are just tools or weapons of misinterpretation and especially when someone takes tone and expression into no consideration. I really do have something to offer him in leaving for this new job though. I am means to a very good outcome for him if he parts with me on good terms, just not from behind a desk in his customer service office though. I wish myself luck on this.
As for the new job I don’t think I even really have a good grasp of what I am stepping into. It’s a good thing for sure but I believe I am really on the brink of something explosive. I am so entrepreneur minded, and I have never been given a position to run with it until now but I am a serious asset when given free reign and deep resources. I am going to learn a lot and I hope it’s as financially rewarding as advertised, as I imagine. When I sit down and think about it and do some math on it, I can’t even grasp what kind of revenue it will create but the optimist’s cliff for hanging is far higher than the pessimist’s so I am underestimating like a mother fucker and everything still seems bright.
Wow I need to go unpack some boxes or something, it’s so slow around here and I could write a novel out of an entry if I let myself. I hope we close at four again today I look forward to the luxury of full time accompaniment it comes with.