Don't bother, its long...
I started the metabolic research center this week. It cost me $500+. I have 28 lbs to lose. I have to take 21 pills a day. Not a single one of them is smaller than a kidney bean. They make me jittery and shakey. They burn my stomach and taste terrible but apparently these side affects will go away during the first two weeks. Perhaps the trick is not making you want to eat at all. It’s like taking a meal in itself and they hurt my esophagus because they take an hour or more to get down to my stomach and I drink water until I feel like I could pop to make them go down but it doesn’t appear to be the solution and I can’t try and force it down with a piece of bread because that is violating the diet. Everyone around me either thinks I am not disciplined enough to drop the weight or that the diet is a joke and I am crazy. We had lunch on the company today and we went to this little fried seafood house and I had a side salad and some shrimp that I had to pick the batter off of. Neil and Teresa kept putting French fires on my plate saying I was making them sad not eating. I don’t know where people think that when you are trying to cut back and consume less that they should be charitable and give you more. Neil offered me M&Ms while I was cleaning out Susan’s office and Rachel asked me if I wanted a small bowl of ice cream with her, she brought it to work left over from her birthday, WTF? I don’t know if I will make it through this. I don’t think I’ll break the diet or anything, just maybe I will whither away mentally from the stress of it and cease to exist. I am going to call my doctor tomorrow and tell her I think I am ready to try the Welbutrin at a low dose. I am pretty sure I can afford it now as long as it’s not like $200 a month or something. My luck I won’t be able to mix it with the pills I have to take now. I feel like just laying down and dying, its depression and I can see it and I know it but I can’t kick it. I used to eat every time I felt like shit. I initially would be nauseated and then I would feel compelled to consume enough to hibernate for a few months. Now that I can’t eat anytime or anything I have anxiety, what can I fall back on and why do I even need something to fall back on? I can’t really bitch to anybody, it’s a burden and its annoying and I know this because its my exact sentiment for people who reach out to me with the sole purpose of bitching. If I just learn to appreciate myself first but then maybe I would have just come to terms with being chunky and appreciated that too. I want to like myself but I have to be something worth liking, not mediocre or just acceptable. I would give anything to kick this sense of worthlessness, it fucks up everything. I feel like I will never be good enough. I am just bitching away now, how annoying...