Fic: We're Ok (2/2)
Title: We’re Ok (2/2)
Author: needle428
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Rating: Mature
Summary: Post S3. Angsty Kalicia porn? Ok no that’s a good bad description. Alicia puts herself in a dangerous situation and Kalinda doesn’t handle it well. Then stuff happens.
A/N: This is my one (and possibly only) attempt at writing smut. Nobody throw anything at me :)
“What are you doing?” Kalinda’s feet didn’t move.
“You smell like trash.” Alicia, smiling coyly, looked back as if that should have been obvious and gave her hand a gentle tug. She continued walking.
Kalinda let out a nervous breath. “I tried to shower. Faucets busted in the other bathroom.” She fidgeted against Alicia’s pull, shrugging one shoulder uncomfortable. “I’ll grab one when you’re done.”
Alicia didn’t say anything, she just tugged again, propelling them away from the dining area.
“Alicia...” the panic was starting to build.
“It’s ok.”
Kalinda wrenched her arm free and forced Alicia to face her. “Stop saying that. What are we doing?” It was an odd role reversal - this wasn’t a question Kalinda ever felt the need to ask. Alicia stepped forward to close the space between them, but said nothing.
“This...” Kalinda gestured between them, ”is not a good idea.” Kalinda, pupils dilated and eyes a little wild, was in full panic mode now.
“What isn’t?” Alicia stepped even closer, wrapping both hands around both of Kalinda’s wrists, their bodies ever so slightly touching.
“We can’t.” Kalinda’s voice was hoarse, her eyes closed, she licked her lips. Alicia drifted slowly backward, pulling Kalinda with her.
“Why not? I can see that you want to. And we both need to get...clean?.” Alicia hoped that would crack a smile, but it didn’t.
“Alicia, I....” Kalinda desperately wanted to run, but her mind to muscle communications were shutting down.
“Shh..” Alicia wrangled her the rest of the way to the bathroom and released one wrist long enough to reach behind and twist on the water. Her eyes stayed on Kalinda’s. She stepped over the edge of the tub and used her toe to kick the stopper into place. “You can.”
“But...”
“This doesn’t have to change anything, make anything worse. We both want this.” Alicia snaked a hand between them and slowly released the zipper on Kalinda’s jacket. Kalinda stayed completely motionless. “Relax.” Far easier said than done.
Alicia never in a million years thought she could do this with a woman. But with Kalinda, there were no doubts, no hesitation. This felt right. She stripped Kalinda down, piece by piece, layer by layer and with each came a little bit of the barrier between them. She rested her head against Kalinda’s, their bodies creating a steeple over the edge of the tub.
“Please.” The whispered plea was enough to unravel Kalinda and she leaned in closer, nodding ever so slightly. Alicia smiled in relief and her lips feathered slowly across the curve of Kalinda’s cheek, nipping down the line of her jaw, before settling on the soft line of her bottom lip. The kiss started off light, tentative even; innocent. It was different from anything Alicia had ever experienced - softer and somehow more important. Alicia wanted to take her time. She pressed a little deeper and Kalinda trembled.
Sensing discomfort, she eased Kalinda over the side of the tub and into the warm water. Her own towel was quickly discarded and she dropped to the water, enveloping her from behind, hoping that the feel of ‘them’ would be enough to stave off the fear of ‘them’.
It wasn’t, but Alicia pressed on anyway. She poured lavender scented body wash onto her palms and rubbed them together until she could see the bubbles spilling over. She reached around Kalinda, ruining Kalinda’s attempts at preventing as much skin to skin contact as possible, and latched onto one hand. She drew soapy fingers all the way up her arm and back down again, nuzzling her neck as she switched sides. Kalinda’s body wasn’t immune to her touch and Alicia could feel it. She watched as Kalinda continued to resist, but the mind only had so much power over the physical. She eased back closer to Alicia as Alicia’s hands traced a path down her sides and across her torso.
Kalinda, till now, had sufficiently stifled any outward reactions, but as Alicia stopped all movement and gently rested her chin atop Kalinda’s shoulder, holding her, they both let out a sigh.
Alicia waited a few moments, wanting to give Kalinda the chance to lead, but when she remained motionless, her own restlessness encouraged her to continue exploring. Fingers, feather soft, trailed down the sides of Kalinda’s legs, across her inner thigh, around her hip, and back up across her chest. This was so new to Alicia she wanted to ask Kalinda for guidance, but she was terrified it would break some sort of spell so she said nothing.
Her lips found Kalinda’s neck and she discovered that she liked that it tasted a little spicy. Moving slowly, she nibbled her way across collarbone, shoulder blade, and a tender spot along the back side of her rib cage. Kalinda sucked in a breath unable to resist and Alicia pushed forward, nudging aside an arm with her nose as she traced a delicate path to the front side of her body. She licked a nipple and Kalinda couldn’t help but arch into it. Taking that as a sign to carry on, Alicia continued her ministrations as she maneuvered her hand around the other side of Kalinda’s body and rested it just below her other breast caressing softly.
Alicia could feel the moment that Kalinda fully acquiesced, relaxing into the sensations and molding their bodies together completely.
--
She pulled Alicia up for a kiss as she, eyes closed, sought out Alicia’s hands with her own. She was acutely aware of how different this felt and equal parts of her loved and hated it. Alicia’s scent surrounded her at every turn and it was all she could do to keep herself from pressing even closer.
She’d always wondered how this would be and she found that the lack of control felt dangerous. Like she was slipping down a dark hole, with no way to climb back out. Worse, no desire to.
Alicia’s left arm stayed draped across her front. Kalinda, liking the security of it, but hating herself for liking it, let their connected hands slip down below the water to reach the one place Alicia had yet to explore. She forced Alicia’s hand to palm her fully and she couldn’t stop the soft moan that escaped when she did. Her hips involuntarily flipped forward, once, twice and Alicia met each thrust willingly.
--
Just watching Kalinda had Alicia’s own heart racing. She slipped a finger inside, testing, but Kalinda was more than a little aroused, and she slipped in a second. She slowed her rhythm to a torturously languid pace, effectively gaining control, and Kalinda whimpered. Kalinda was too close to make this last much longer, so with the little energy she had left, she freed Alicia’s hand and flipped over, trapping Alicia between her body and the back of the tub. Nose to nose, she let their bodies fall flush. Their eyes met only for a moment, a shared smile, before Kalinda pressed their lips together softly. Then she straddled Alicia’s legs, kissing along her jaw, and let her own hand drift below the water.
Alicia’s eyes shot open, labored breath released, as she felt Kalinda’s probing fingers. Not that there had ever been a doubt, but the things Kalinda could do with her hands (not to mention her tongue) was pretty much unimaginable. Alicia’s hips bucked and she wondered how the tables had turned so quickly. In the years since she’d met Kalinda, she’d learned to not back away from a challenge or let distractions get in the way of a goal, so with that in mind, she launched an unexpected assault and traced her fingers back between Kalinda’s legs.
The sensation proved too much for both of them. Kalinda, surprised and unprepared, slid down hard on Alicia’s hand, while her own fingers thrust deeper into Alicia and they both tumbled over the edge, calling out matching expletives. Kalinda, one hand against the wall, fell forward, biting softly on Alicia’s shoulder as her body convulsed. Alicia let her eyes drift shut.
It wasn’t long before giddy euphoria escaped; she was giggling and she could almost feel Kalinda smiling along with her.
“Holy GOD. Did that just happen?” Alicia’s hands rested at Kalinda’s hips.
Kalinda only breathed out a “Yea.”
Alicia tilted her head to the side resting it against Kalinda’s, but she was unable to see her face. “You ok?”
“Mmm.”
Alicia tugged on Kalinda’s hips until she shifted down her body, half sprawled across the length of her, head tucked under Alicia’s chin, legs tangling together. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, but that didn’t seem overly important.
“What’s wrong?” Alicia sensed her pulling away, watched as she tried to minimize the experience.
“Nothing.” It was the response she had come to expect from Kalinda.
It wasn’t a response Alicia was prepared to let her get away with. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” Innocence on Kalinda only worked with other people.
“Close off.”
“I’m not.” Kalinda sounded empty. “I just...”
Alicia turned her lips to Kalinda’s forehead assuringly and it only made talking that much harder.
Kalinda’s voice caught. “What now?”
Alicia shrugged, fingers fluttering lazily over Kalinda’s hip. “I don’t know. We should...probably get moving...get back to work?” Kalinda nodded, but neither moved.
“Pretend this didn’t happen?” The pressure on Alicia’s chest increased as Kalinda, consciously or unconsciously she wasn’t sure, pulled her tighter.
Alicia tried to pull away so she could see her face, brows furrowing in confusion. The euphoria from seconds earlier rapidly dissipating. “Is that what you want?”
Kalinda had no idea what she wanted. She wanted to relish this moment. But it was impossible for her to see this ending in any way other than unmitigated disaster, both of them more damaged than before. She hated relationships, routine, domesticity. Alicia thrived off of them. She would end up hurting her. And besides, where would Alicia’s kids fit into all this? What about work and Peter and...Will?
In every version of ‘them’ (like this), they’d ultimately lose each other, so the only reliable solution was to pretend like this never happened. But her eyes refused to leave their linked fingers.
“Kalinda?”
A deep breath. “Yes. That’s what I want.” Voice suddenly cold and clipped, she pushed away quickly and tried to stand, but Alicia, unprepared for that response, wasn’t ready to let her run.
“But...” Alicia stopped herself, running a hand down Kalinda’s bare back before dropping it to the water. It wasn’t until today, maybe not until this moment, that she realized just how well she actually knew Kalinda - far better than she had once thought. Facts about Kalinda’s past were (and would possibly always be) a little fuzzy, but the ‘how’ of Kalinda, she understood well and the truth about Peter, though it fed her doubts, had never actually changed that.
If she wanted this (and she did), she was going to have to let this play out on Kalinda’s terms. “Okay. If that’s what you want. I told you that this didn’t have to change anything between us and I meant it. But first, I want you to look at me and say it.” Kalinda froze.
“Why?” Alicia was too close.
“Because I do. Because I know that you reacted the same way that I did to what just happened. I felt it. And the only reasonable thing I can conclude right now is that you’re jumping ship because you’re scared. And if I’m wrong, I wanna know that.”
“Alicia...”
“Don’t run. Just...don’t.” Her voice was whisper soft and full of desire. She hoped that Kalinda would hear her.
“It’s...what I know.” Kalinda was having a hard time resisting a vulnerable Alicia.
“So learn something new.” And that was all she had. Now it was up to Kalinda.
Kalinda stood and wrapped herself in a towel. Reaching for her clothes, she stepped towards the open door.
Alicia slid further into the now chilly water, wishing there was something else she could say to wash away the fear, but knowing that Kalinda would always focus harder on self preservation than self fulfillment. Just as she closed her eyes, ready to swallow down the emotions of the last few hours, she heard a very quiet, “Ok” from the door.
Alicia looked over, hopeful. “Okay?”
Kalinda, looking as raw and defeated as she’d ever seen her, only nodded.
*****
It was almost three when they walked out Alicia’s front door to head back to the office. At the elevator, Kalinda watched as Alicia let her hand drift close, stopping short of actually linking their fingers. She smiled, hopeful. And Kalinda could only smile back.
Alicia looked like a weight had been lifted, but for Kalinda, little had changed. This was still a bad idea no matter how you looked at things. This road was dangerous road they’d chosen to walk and it could only ever end in tatters.
But she couldn’t say no. And despite every reservation coursing through her body, she was grateful for the optimism in Alicia that hadn’t been destroyed.
For the first time, possibly ever, she wanted to think that, maybe someday, total honesty would be something she could do. And that they really would be ok.