Okay, it's later.
I'm going to not take that last post down, because it shows what sort of angry jackass I can be. I don't intend on lying. To be frank (which is sort of the point, here), I have had quite enough of half-truths, lies and just all-around deception. Lying by omission? Ohhhho-ho-ho boy, don't even get me started on that particular subject.
Perhaps I should stop rambling (not so) cryptically and get on with why I feel compelled to sit down and write. To start at the beginning would take far too long, so I'll just jump right into it. When Andrea and I broke up, it wasn't on what I think could be considered, "Good terms." In fact, her heart had clearly gone to another since I was changing. It's definitely possible I was not the best person during this period. Hell, it's damn likely. But there were mistakes made all over in those days and they were not all mine to make. A quick note is that that is also how she ended up with me. She and Warren (her ex-, and also current boyfriend, which I will get to shortly) were , "On a break," when we first got together. Clearly I should have seen this coming from far away, but unlike The Who, I cannot see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles. Apparently, I can't even see two fucking feet in front of me. And seriously. That's just it. If someone claims they are in love with me and they don't know well enough to tell me what is going on in their head and in their heart other than maybe, "I don't feel so good," or the (not so) subtle signs like not wanting to have sex with me for the first time ever (Hindsight actually is 20/20!), then what in the hell is really going on? Does this person really love me? I am now seriously believing that she doesn't know how to love or, at the very least, she didn't know how to love when she was with me. And I'm feeling fairly confident that she still doesn't know how to treat a friend.
Since we've split, I have made numerous attempts to be her friend. I have made numerous attempts to patch things up between us. I've been kind of jerky at times, but again, mistakes were made by both of us. Just recently, she was telling me how she didn't want to lose our friendship. On Valentine's Day (A.K.A. Death Of Nextwave Day) she told me that we couldn't get back together because she had fucked it up. I told her that there was nothing we could do if that was how she felt. She also told me she was spending the day with Warren, another subtle hint of hers. Which she knows I don't do well with. A couple of uneventful weeks passed.
Last night, I had some strange psychic stuff happen that I don't really want to go into here because it will sound ridiculous. I fell asleep and dreamt of being in the room with Warren and Andrea who were kissing in bed. It all seemed very real and was upsetting to watch. I woke up and texted Andrea that I had had this dream and that it was a bit disturbing to be lying there next to them while they were completely oblivious to me and were making out. She informed me that Warren and her had been seeing each other. As a sort of, "By the way," kind of thing. Which is totally what you do with friends, right? I'm pretty sure that every time I have liked someone, I haven't said one single word to any of my friends. Oh, wait...shit! Nevermind, it's actually the other way. Pretty much every person I have ever met in my entire life blabs to all of their friends about the people they are into. Hell, when Andrea was with me, she used to talk to Warren about me the whole time. Mind you this was when she was also with me, stringing us both along.
I ask myself again how I did not see this coming. I say in my head, "Did you really believe that she knew how to love you?" And isn't it funny that she told me she had fucked things up with us by being afraid, yet she still ended up back with Warren, the man she cheated on.
Trust me, I'm not looking for sympathy here because I know how much of a fucking shithole I am in this whole story. My character is not the good guy, by any stretch. Honestly, if I had to choose a good guy in this whole story, it would be Mr. Warren Myers because he did no one wrong in this situation (to my knowledge). I can't say that much for myself. I'm obviously burned and hurt. That cannot be denied. But still, I wish luck to him and her because I sure as fuck don't ever want to have anything to do with helping her. I'm out.
Black shadow hanging over your shoulder
Black mark up against your name
Your green eyes couldn't get any colder
The smell of poison running through your veins
Evil walks behind you
Evil sleeps beside you
Evil talks around you
Evil walks behind you
Black Widow weaving evil notions
Dark secrets being spun in your web
Good men going down in your ocean
They can't swim cause they're tied to your bed
Evil walks behind you
Evil sleeps inside you
Evil talks around you
Evil walks behind you
You just cry wolf
I sometimes wonder where you park your broom
Oh, Black Widow
C'mon, weave your web
Down in your ocean
You got 'em tied to your bed
With your dark, dark secrets
And your green, green eyes
You black widow
Evil walks behind you
Evil sleeps beside you
Evil talks around you
Evil walks behind you
Perhaps I should stop rambling (not so) cryptically and get on with why I feel compelled to sit down and write. To start at the beginning would take far too long, so I'll just jump right into it. When Andrea and I broke up, it wasn't on what I think could be considered, "Good terms." In fact, her heart had clearly gone to another since I was changing. It's definitely possible I was not the best person during this period. Hell, it's damn likely. But there were mistakes made all over in those days and they were not all mine to make. A quick note is that that is also how she ended up with me. She and Warren (her ex-, and also current boyfriend, which I will get to shortly) were , "On a break," when we first got together. Clearly I should have seen this coming from far away, but unlike The Who, I cannot see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles. Apparently, I can't even see two fucking feet in front of me. And seriously. That's just it. If someone claims they are in love with me and they don't know well enough to tell me what is going on in their head and in their heart other than maybe, "I don't feel so good," or the (not so) subtle signs like not wanting to have sex with me for the first time ever (Hindsight actually is 20/20!), then what in the hell is really going on? Does this person really love me? I am now seriously believing that she doesn't know how to love or, at the very least, she didn't know how to love when she was with me. And I'm feeling fairly confident that she still doesn't know how to treat a friend.
Since we've split, I have made numerous attempts to be her friend. I have made numerous attempts to patch things up between us. I've been kind of jerky at times, but again, mistakes were made by both of us. Just recently, she was telling me how she didn't want to lose our friendship. On Valentine's Day (A.K.A. Death Of Nextwave Day) she told me that we couldn't get back together because she had fucked it up. I told her that there was nothing we could do if that was how she felt. She also told me she was spending the day with Warren, another subtle hint of hers. Which she knows I don't do well with. A couple of uneventful weeks passed.
Last night, I had some strange psychic stuff happen that I don't really want to go into here because it will sound ridiculous. I fell asleep and dreamt of being in the room with Warren and Andrea who were kissing in bed. It all seemed very real and was upsetting to watch. I woke up and texted Andrea that I had had this dream and that it was a bit disturbing to be lying there next to them while they were completely oblivious to me and were making out. She informed me that Warren and her had been seeing each other. As a sort of, "By the way," kind of thing. Which is totally what you do with friends, right? I'm pretty sure that every time I have liked someone, I haven't said one single word to any of my friends. Oh, wait...shit! Nevermind, it's actually the other way. Pretty much every person I have ever met in my entire life blabs to all of their friends about the people they are into. Hell, when Andrea was with me, she used to talk to Warren about me the whole time. Mind you this was when she was also with me, stringing us both along.
I ask myself again how I did not see this coming. I say in my head, "Did you really believe that she knew how to love you?" And isn't it funny that she told me she had fucked things up with us by being afraid, yet she still ended up back with Warren, the man she cheated on.
Trust me, I'm not looking for sympathy here because I know how much of a fucking shithole I am in this whole story. My character is not the good guy, by any stretch. Honestly, if I had to choose a good guy in this whole story, it would be Mr. Warren Myers because he did no one wrong in this situation (to my knowledge). I can't say that much for myself. I'm obviously burned and hurt. That cannot be denied. But still, I wish luck to him and her because I sure as fuck don't ever want to have anything to do with helping her. I'm out.
Black shadow hanging over your shoulder
Black mark up against your name
Your green eyes couldn't get any colder
The smell of poison running through your veins
Evil walks behind you
Evil sleeps beside you
Evil talks around you
Evil walks behind you
Black Widow weaving evil notions
Dark secrets being spun in your web
Good men going down in your ocean
They can't swim cause they're tied to your bed
Evil walks behind you
Evil sleeps inside you
Evil talks around you
Evil walks behind you
You just cry wolf
I sometimes wonder where you park your broom
Oh, Black Widow
C'mon, weave your web
Down in your ocean
You got 'em tied to your bed
With your dark, dark secrets
And your green, green eyes
You black widow
Evil walks behind you
Evil sleeps beside you
Evil talks around you
Evil walks behind you