Leap of faith
I'm writing this, in part, because I can't concentrate on the reading packet by my left elbow. And because... well, I keep meaning to write this. I keep meaning to write a bunch of things, stories and papers and essays, and I just can't summon the time for the ones that I want or the concentration for the ones that academia needs.
Well, I can't get the concentration right now. And so I'm making the time.
A month until graduation. A month; Sunday the Eleventh, to be exact. 2:PM. It's startling and terrifying, in part because of all the stuff I need to do in order to assure it goes off without a hitch, and in part because... well, what happens next?
The more less more scary part first. In part because I'll know how it works out sooner.
My Thesis. It... I honestly don't know if it'll be where it needs to be when it needs to be there. As it stands... well, it's long and I think detailed but it need more secondary criticism and more Kant throughout the whole thing and I'm almost sick to death of the whole thing. The upshot is that there is almost no way that it won't be long enough to be the Honor's length of 50 pages.
The downshot is that it's going to need a lot of not only writing, but reading-reading critics-in order to get a grade that lets me actually graduate.
And then there's the other stuff, two papers I need to write and one that I'll need to revise and a story that needs revision for the creative writing course. It's not going to be a pleasant couple weeks, I'm thinking
So, I think it's understandable that I've spent a pitifully small amount of time on the next step.
I mean, I applied for positions at a handful of publishing houses. I didn't hear back from any of them. But hey, I'm not entirely surprised; the "Work" portion of my resume is troubling.
Which is just one more reason for me to be so thankful for Sara.
A couple summers ago, you see, Sara worked retail at Yellowstone. And, according to her, it was a great time. So, she started looking into going west this summer as well. And, seeing that I hadn't figured out what I was doing next month, why didn't I try to join her in Montana?
Why didn't I?
A few months doing minimum wage labor full time, exploring the wilderness with the woman you love, and trying to find some more long-term source of income when you actually have the mental energy to do it? It makes perfect sense.
I'm still apprehensive. But then, I'm always apprehensive; here, the apprehension is mostly because it's not a career right out of college, an expectation which plenty of graduates don't fulfill. And because it's a new experience; despite my own wishes to the contrary, I'm not good at new experiences.
On the other hand, I have always wanted to... well, to see a part of the US west of Ohio.
So, in a month, if all goes well, I graduate. And then, again if all goes well, I should be headed to Glacier National Park. And I'll be there until late August.
And after that?
I don't know. After I graduate, nothing looks certain. There's nothing to do but feel your way out, one stepping stone at a time. And I'm trusting that there will always be another rock to jump to.
And if I miss? If despite my best efforts, I stumble in the leap I should be stretching for right now?
I've only been able to find one, uncomforting answer to give myself:
"Don't."
You can do it, buddy! We're gonna make it!
Hold tight, Fred.