(no subject)
It's kind of funny.
I've been struggling with this whole "fear of commitment" thing for the past year or so.
It's manifested itself in basically this monologue to myself:
"Wow. This is a really good guy. I could see settling down with someone like this.
But, this would take a lot of effort on my part. I would have to be attentive and thoughtful. I would have to devote time.
But, that is okay, right? After all, he is a really good guy, he'll be worth it.
But, I don't know if I want to make the life I'm living right now smaller..."
And so on.
And I'd pretty much argue with myself and not do anything until the guy went away.
I never really regretted it, yet. Just wondered if I was going to feel like this forever.
In a big way, I am thankful for these realizations; concerns for myself, from myself.
I always used to put anyone else first. And I have pretty much seen this as a much better place for my head to be.
But I wondered if I was just being selfish, too.
In the last couple of days, I've read some things and I've had some conversations that have drawn me to this conclusion:
I would like to continue choosing myself.
And I think that is really all I've been doing. I haven't been loosing opportunities to be with the man of my dreams, I've been choosing myself, over an option that really hasn't been that appealing. An option that would have made me smaller.
I think that any man worth having in my life* would not seem like some time constraint. Wouldn't be someone that I have to take time away from things I'd rather be doing.
I think it would be someone that I like to be around and who also understands and encourages my autonomy; without pushing me away.
To use my favorite metaphor for love:
If it all came down to a game of kickball; knowing that that someone would pick me first for their team.
But ad to that: We aren't playing kickball all the time.
*Not that someone that isn't for me, wouldn't be great for someone else.
I've been struggling with this whole "fear of commitment" thing for the past year or so.
It's manifested itself in basically this monologue to myself:
"Wow. This is a really good guy. I could see settling down with someone like this.
But, this would take a lot of effort on my part. I would have to be attentive and thoughtful. I would have to devote time.
But, that is okay, right? After all, he is a really good guy, he'll be worth it.
But, I don't know if I want to make the life I'm living right now smaller..."
And so on.
And I'd pretty much argue with myself and not do anything until the guy went away.
I never really regretted it, yet. Just wondered if I was going to feel like this forever.
In a big way, I am thankful for these realizations; concerns for myself, from myself.
I always used to put anyone else first. And I have pretty much seen this as a much better place for my head to be.
But I wondered if I was just being selfish, too.
In the last couple of days, I've read some things and I've had some conversations that have drawn me to this conclusion:
I would like to continue choosing myself.
And I think that is really all I've been doing. I haven't been loosing opportunities to be with the man of my dreams, I've been choosing myself, over an option that really hasn't been that appealing. An option that would have made me smaller.
I think that any man worth having in my life* would not seem like some time constraint. Wouldn't be someone that I have to take time away from things I'd rather be doing.
I think it would be someone that I like to be around and who also understands and encourages my autonomy; without pushing me away.
To use my favorite metaphor for love:
If it all came down to a game of kickball; knowing that that someone would pick me first for their team.
But ad to that: We aren't playing kickball all the time.
*Not that someone that isn't for me, wouldn't be great for someone else.