High and Dry
I'm depressed again. Self doubt and morbid suicide fantasies playing out in my head I can't think about anything but my own demise, and how much better I would feel if I did. The loneliness is the hardest part. I have no one to really connect to, that thinks the same as I do. I have no to engage in a discussion on a topic I enjoy. I am not about anecdotes or recapping someone else's wit. I prefer to be original, but I only divulge my real ideas to people who I think would appreciate them, and I don't have many friends that can seem to appreciate the ideas I have; not close friends, at any rate.
It's not even the same loneliness one would feel when they are searching for love; I am not really looking for love in my life, God knows I can't handle another relationship. Not a single person I've tried to form a real relationship with gave a shit; they were more than happy to stab me in the back, tear my heart out, and stomp on it. I just want a friend who thinks the same as me and enjoys the same topics of discussion so I could have someone to talk to, seriously. Perhaps even a person I could confide the things I want so badly to say to someone, anyone who will listen but won't lose my trust by mouthing off to every single fucking person they know.
I find it hard to trust anyone, even my friends. I just always have that feeling in the back of my mind that even though they say they're my friends, that they're just waiting, plotting to fuck me over whenever they have a chance. I contribute a lot of these feelings to questions of doubt as to why my friends are my friends in the first place. It seems to me that many people I call friend, and who call me friend in return, don't really like me. I have never done anything remarkable to impress these people, nor have I really engaged in lengthy conversation with them either. No one ever invites me to anything either, which really pisses me off. Everyone tells me I should get out more often, but would they give me a suggestion or a reason to get out? Noooooo...
I hate to sound like a whiney little bitch, but that's life; people have complaints, and this is where I come to vent. If you ask me, this is a better forum for bitching anyhow; I absolutely hate people who complain about every little fucking detail, everything has to be just perfect to them. I am just too care-free to give a shit about something that doesn't fucking matter, but God damn it, this is my life and to me it DOES matter. I hate not being a part of anything and hate even more that the things I want to be a part of don't want me. I hate never getting a chance to say anything when I actually have something to say. I hate when people dismiss my thoughts because the other person or persons didn't think of it themselves. I hate being fucked around with, lied to, and ignored. I especially hate it when people argue with me when I am AGREEING with them.
If you don't think anything I say is valid, why the fuck do you hang out with me? Because no one else will fucking listen to you, that's why. I don't just wait for my turn to speak; I actually LISTEN. I don't have to go on for hours about what I did just to impress someone. I am a thinker; I like to think and even when I am awake, I live as if I am dreaming. There are just some things you need to keep to yourself. If you can't sit and enjoy a quiet moment with someone, and you just absolutely HAVE to flap your gums, you should actually be saying something. What you had for dinner is not a real big conversation. It's not even interesting. It might make me hungry, but that's about it. I say if it's not thought provoking, it's not worth talking about.
I am stern in my beliefs that humanity needs to evolve not physically, but mentally, and in keeping with my beliefs, I only find prudent conversation one that gets your brain working. If you're not capable of abstract thought, then we are on two different wave lengths and have nothing to talk about sensibly. That doesn't mean we still can't just enjoy each other's company. But of course, since no one ever invites me to do anything, everything I've said is moot. Fuck my life.
It's not even the same loneliness one would feel when they are searching for love; I am not really looking for love in my life, God knows I can't handle another relationship. Not a single person I've tried to form a real relationship with gave a shit; they were more than happy to stab me in the back, tear my heart out, and stomp on it. I just want a friend who thinks the same as me and enjoys the same topics of discussion so I could have someone to talk to, seriously. Perhaps even a person I could confide the things I want so badly to say to someone, anyone who will listen but won't lose my trust by mouthing off to every single fucking person they know.
I find it hard to trust anyone, even my friends. I just always have that feeling in the back of my mind that even though they say they're my friends, that they're just waiting, plotting to fuck me over whenever they have a chance. I contribute a lot of these feelings to questions of doubt as to why my friends are my friends in the first place. It seems to me that many people I call friend, and who call me friend in return, don't really like me. I have never done anything remarkable to impress these people, nor have I really engaged in lengthy conversation with them either. No one ever invites me to anything either, which really pisses me off. Everyone tells me I should get out more often, but would they give me a suggestion or a reason to get out? Noooooo...
I hate to sound like a whiney little bitch, but that's life; people have complaints, and this is where I come to vent. If you ask me, this is a better forum for bitching anyhow; I absolutely hate people who complain about every little fucking detail, everything has to be just perfect to them. I am just too care-free to give a shit about something that doesn't fucking matter, but God damn it, this is my life and to me it DOES matter. I hate not being a part of anything and hate even more that the things I want to be a part of don't want me. I hate never getting a chance to say anything when I actually have something to say. I hate when people dismiss my thoughts because the other person or persons didn't think of it themselves. I hate being fucked around with, lied to, and ignored. I especially hate it when people argue with me when I am AGREEING with them.
If you don't think anything I say is valid, why the fuck do you hang out with me? Because no one else will fucking listen to you, that's why. I don't just wait for my turn to speak; I actually LISTEN. I don't have to go on for hours about what I did just to impress someone. I am a thinker; I like to think and even when I am awake, I live as if I am dreaming. There are just some things you need to keep to yourself. If you can't sit and enjoy a quiet moment with someone, and you just absolutely HAVE to flap your gums, you should actually be saying something. What you had for dinner is not a real big conversation. It's not even interesting. It might make me hungry, but that's about it. I say if it's not thought provoking, it's not worth talking about.
I am stern in my beliefs that humanity needs to evolve not physically, but mentally, and in keeping with my beliefs, I only find prudent conversation one that gets your brain working. If you're not capable of abstract thought, then we are on two different wave lengths and have nothing to talk about sensibly. That doesn't mean we still can't just enjoy each other's company. But of course, since no one ever invites me to do anything, everything I've said is moot. Fuck my life.