long time
I haven't written here for quite awhile. This process has just been too deeply painful. I have come to the point where I don't really think I can complete this conversion, and yet I don't know where else I could possibly go. I practically hate orthodoxy. I can't stand it anymore. The institutionalized sexism, silencing women's voices... I don't know. I just don't know what to do. I'm miserable. I had a friend say to me "You can let yourself off the hook." But I just can't.
I am at once attracted to and repelled by oppression. I do not think a Jewish orthodox life is oppressive to everyone who lives it. Many seem to thrive, and those who do I suspect, believe that the Torah and it's oral laws are directly from God. They have utter faith. I do not. Maybe I just need something to rebel against to give my life any meaning. What fun would there have been reading Anais Nin in High School if I hadn't been told not to? Maybe I'm juvenile.
I am mostly afraid of what will happen if I don't do it. Because if I do make it another few months, I'll turn back the clock. I can't spend the rest of my life under covered hair and never wearing jeans. And I won't. I tried telling two teachers I've had that I was struggling. I got mediocre responses. I don't know what I wanted them to say. Maybe, "Go and figure out what you want, and come see me when you know."?
I don't want the validity of my children's Jewishness to be questioned, but it will be, by someone, somewhere. Even if I jump through the hoops, it won't last. Someone will see me in my pony tail and jeans eventually. Not to mention the television we won't get rid of, and the internet we have in our house. I'm too secular. I'm too much a Conservative Jew!
I am at once attracted to and repelled by oppression. I do not think a Jewish orthodox life is oppressive to everyone who lives it. Many seem to thrive, and those who do I suspect, believe that the Torah and it's oral laws are directly from God. They have utter faith. I do not. Maybe I just need something to rebel against to give my life any meaning. What fun would there have been reading Anais Nin in High School if I hadn't been told not to? Maybe I'm juvenile.
I am mostly afraid of what will happen if I don't do it. Because if I do make it another few months, I'll turn back the clock. I can't spend the rest of my life under covered hair and never wearing jeans. And I won't. I tried telling two teachers I've had that I was struggling. I got mediocre responses. I don't know what I wanted them to say. Maybe, "Go and figure out what you want, and come see me when you know."?
I don't want the validity of my children's Jewishness to be questioned, but it will be, by someone, somewhere. Even if I jump through the hoops, it won't last. Someone will see me in my pony tail and jeans eventually. Not to mention the television we won't get rid of, and the internet we have in our house. I'm too secular. I'm too much a Conservative Jew!