Work
What I've decided to work on is accepting the reality that I will eventually die. I've decided to work on this by making the decision to not fight death via drastic means. I'm not sure exactly where the line is being drawn but I'm thinking nothing detrimental to my body or spirit, such as chemotherapy or radiation. I'm not sure about surgery; while invasive and violent at least it doesn't poison your cells.
I'm not sure about medication either. I wouldn't want to die for some stupid reason; but at the same time I don't want to bend over backwards to fight death. I suppose I will know when the time comes to make this decision.
So there I guess, the line is, no chemotherapy or radiation if I get cancer. I'll try some alternative, holistic therapies, hopefully start meditating for once, go visit people, make art, and see what happens. Nothing that's going to make my life shitty or throw out the baby with the bathwater.
I feel like I'll live a better life if I decide to do this. Accepting the fear, but not letting it dictate my actions. At least if I'm losing everything, I won't be losing my resolve, or my honor of myself and this body, which I should trust to know when it's done.
On a different note, dude, I totally watched Brokeback Mountain again and I've become kind of obsessed with the sadness of it. The acting is really good. The story is so tragic. The actors are so sexy. More and more, I think my attraction to boys with boys comes from a reality that I can't quite reach, of being a boy with a boy. It's not that I identify as male, it's more that, since the world identifies me as a "girl," I want to be a boy to shift the balance. I really only identify as a person. "Only" doesn't really seem like an appropriate word for that sentence. I identify as a whole, beautiful, complex, endless, magical person. I think a person is more than a gender, and I really don't understand why folks fit themselves into genders at all. Not to say that there isn't a reason, I just don't get it myself.
I have a terrarium now, and it is fascinating. I was obsessed with putting it together; I feel like it has filled a void in my life, for moist dirt, amphibians, insects, killing, and chemistry.
I'm not sure about medication either. I wouldn't want to die for some stupid reason; but at the same time I don't want to bend over backwards to fight death. I suppose I will know when the time comes to make this decision.
So there I guess, the line is, no chemotherapy or radiation if I get cancer. I'll try some alternative, holistic therapies, hopefully start meditating for once, go visit people, make art, and see what happens. Nothing that's going to make my life shitty or throw out the baby with the bathwater.
I feel like I'll live a better life if I decide to do this. Accepting the fear, but not letting it dictate my actions. At least if I'm losing everything, I won't be losing my resolve, or my honor of myself and this body, which I should trust to know when it's done.
On a different note, dude, I totally watched Brokeback Mountain again and I've become kind of obsessed with the sadness of it. The acting is really good. The story is so tragic. The actors are so sexy. More and more, I think my attraction to boys with boys comes from a reality that I can't quite reach, of being a boy with a boy. It's not that I identify as male, it's more that, since the world identifies me as a "girl," I want to be a boy to shift the balance. I really only identify as a person. "Only" doesn't really seem like an appropriate word for that sentence. I identify as a whole, beautiful, complex, endless, magical person. I think a person is more than a gender, and I really don't understand why folks fit themselves into genders at all. Not to say that there isn't a reason, I just don't get it myself.
I have a terrarium now, and it is fascinating. I was obsessed with putting it together; I feel like it has filled a void in my life, for moist dirt, amphibians, insects, killing, and chemistry.