Puzzlecunt v2.0
Whatever kind of a way I'm feeling about the fiddly anatomical details of my new bits (it's still complicated, but I'm trying the wait-and-see approach), the sheer fact that I have a vagina instead of a penis now is A+++ great.
It kind of snuck up on me. Like, at first it was hard to separate "how I feel about this bodypart" from "how I feel about the pain coming from it" or "how I feel about dilating" or "how I feel about everything being unfamiliar and having to relearn how to do everything pelvis-related." And then I was freaking out about whether I chose the right surgeon and whether I would be 100% happy with the result, and stressing over how day-to-day activities like sitting upright make me feel like I'm being prodded in the clit nonstop. (For any pre-op folks reading: everyone post-op who I've talked to says "Yup, that's a thing, everyone gets it, it goes away eventually." Nobody told me, and I spent a couple weeks feeling unnecessarily alone and broken over it because I was too shy to tell anyone. Don't be like me - talk to your friends or your doctor or someone.)
But somewhere in there, without me really noticing when it happened, there started to be times when the new bits felt... normal. Ordinary. Boring, honestly. There's times when there's no anxiety or stress when I think about them, and no palpable sense of relief or satisfaction either. They're just there and that's fine and tbh what else would be there?
Like, seriously at this point I sometimes have a hard time believing I used to have a penis. I know it's true but it seems amusingly implausible - and anyway, trying to actually imagine it is so deeply weird that I'd really rather not.
A thing that's still strange is having a virginity again - meaning, like, going back to having no experience of using my current bits for sex, and not knowing how that will work or feel when it happens. I'm old enough that I barely remember what virginity was like the first time around. Mostly I remember being in a big hurry to lose it, because testosterone and male socialization. This time I'm in less of a hurry. Like, I'll probably get there sooner rather than later. But I'm conscious of Not Being Ready quite yet, for emotional as well as physical reasons.
I always used to think it was weird when trans women - usually ones with a lot of passing privilege - said "I never really think about being trans anymore, I'm just a woman." But now I'm starting to imagine what that would be like. I don't know if I'll ever be able to Just Stop Thinking about my appearance or gender presentation or whatever, or about transphobia, or about how others are reading my gender. But there will probably come a time in a few years when I can Just Stop Thinking about my junk, and god damn that will be nice.
It kind of snuck up on me. Like, at first it was hard to separate "how I feel about this bodypart" from "how I feel about the pain coming from it" or "how I feel about dilating" or "how I feel about everything being unfamiliar and having to relearn how to do everything pelvis-related." And then I was freaking out about whether I chose the right surgeon and whether I would be 100% happy with the result, and stressing over how day-to-day activities like sitting upright make me feel like I'm being prodded in the clit nonstop. (For any pre-op folks reading: everyone post-op who I've talked to says "Yup, that's a thing, everyone gets it, it goes away eventually." Nobody told me, and I spent a couple weeks feeling unnecessarily alone and broken over it because I was too shy to tell anyone. Don't be like me - talk to your friends or your doctor or someone.)
But somewhere in there, without me really noticing when it happened, there started to be times when the new bits felt... normal. Ordinary. Boring, honestly. There's times when there's no anxiety or stress when I think about them, and no palpable sense of relief or satisfaction either. They're just there and that's fine and tbh what else would be there?
Like, seriously at this point I sometimes have a hard time believing I used to have a penis. I know it's true but it seems amusingly implausible - and anyway, trying to actually imagine it is so deeply weird that I'd really rather not.
A thing that's still strange is having a virginity again - meaning, like, going back to having no experience of using my current bits for sex, and not knowing how that will work or feel when it happens. I'm old enough that I barely remember what virginity was like the first time around. Mostly I remember being in a big hurry to lose it, because testosterone and male socialization. This time I'm in less of a hurry. Like, I'll probably get there sooner rather than later. But I'm conscious of Not Being Ready quite yet, for emotional as well as physical reasons.
I always used to think it was weird when trans women - usually ones with a lot of passing privilege - said "I never really think about being trans anymore, I'm just a woman." But now I'm starting to imagine what that would be like. I don't know if I'll ever be able to Just Stop Thinking about my appearance or gender presentation or whatever, or about transphobia, or about how others are reading my gender. But there will probably come a time in a few years when I can Just Stop Thinking about my junk, and god damn that will be nice.