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[nebulababy]

i actually want to keep discussing race but i need to give an update on two things
FIRST and worst: klaas is in love with me.
GREAT. fucking GREAT. can this just, STOP HAPPENING?? i really am so pissed off at myself. you know what's even worse okay he drove me to delft, which was really nice and then like pretty much demanded a kiss so i gave a

Comments

[lilu_rockette]

oh hun, you honestly don't have shit to feel bad about. it's really one of those things that is only so bad cause you keeping thinking about it over and over and over again.
you could do a lot worse for a shit load more.
now I don't support doing anything you feel uncomfortable doing. if it really bothers you don't associate with him and never do such a thing again.

but I do think you're over reacting a little. one must have clarity in situations such as this. and making a huge dealing over some small uncomfortable situation is usually the brain trying to distract it's self from something else. I'm sure I could be totally wrong on that, I don't claim to know what's happening in your brain. but you are not a whore in any way by this, you didn't do anything wrong, and this needs to go down to like # 12 on your list of things to worry about. and he is not in love with you, so don't worry about that either. he's a just a horny old man. sure they're annoying but you gotta learn to shrug them off. they really are insignificant. and if you don't give any form of a shit about them, all the rude stuff they do seems like nothing. don't give them the ability to bother you so much.

love you much. I know I still need to write you! ahh and crystal too, I will soon I swear.
xoxo

p.s. can you believe I actually remembered to sign in this time! lol

[nebulababy]

no what makes it even worse is i would slip into my ignore-him-completely mode, which is wrong and assholish etc..ANYWAY but i feel like maybe miss. pamela also had this sort of situation with captain fuck or rodney because this guy is like...at the top of the music scene in south holland. yeah i fell in with the guy with all the connections. he brings bands from england and books them here and knows everyone, the show we went to--they were using HIS pa. i don't know, i'm SURE he's talking himself up a little bit but ung you know?
it's more like it seems like i was overreacting but it was like this physical realization of a weakness inside of me that i am not okay with, you know? and once you tear at it (like just a small kiss or holding hands or whatever) it's far too easy for it to grow. so i was seeing that and hating it.
i don't really know what i would be distracted from..hmmm
all night he was acting all datish, like sort of cockblocking during the show and keeping wanting to buy me drinks and whispering in my ear in my hair and i reallyreally was already uncomfortable but just trying to suppress it. actually, when i was on the train there to have him pick me up from the station, christine called to warn me that he said he was in love with me. OBVIOUSLY he doesn't know me, there's no way these men are ACTUALLY in love with me haha, that's ludicrous. but they always think they are, which is what matters in the moment.
i just need to deal with this situation really tenderly.
it's more like a battle with myself because my old self ...well, yeah, you probably thought i was overreacting because that's what i feel inside of me when guys start to like me. i have a problem with that and i don't know how to fix it.