Random
~Insight into my Damage...
We got an 18 cup Brita water dispenser because my local pal Pasty Ruth told me there were 'local water issues', like Erin Brockovich kinda issues. She's actually supposed to be here soon to address the local political body - a gaggle of greedy useless fucks - about said water issues.
Anyway, it started leaking after a day or so. And I immediately went to 'everything I get is fucked'. But we figured out - Le-Le mostly - that the bolt holding the spigot in place was loose and just needed to be tightened. Now it's fine.
But that “I Can't Have Anything” programming is still hard wired into my psyche - though I have loosened it somewhat in the past few years - and that is the direct result of El Padrasto's actions over the decades. I was offered/promised Something Good and then is was some how ruined and/or taken away. Even the few things that I came up with myself were subjected to the same treatment.
There is a long list of these types of events and situations that are too tiring to list, but they run right up until shit blew up at Hotel Hell in Sept, 2003.
For a long time I thought it was me. Then I realized it was them - my mother participated in this - but did not understand why. Then I figured out that it was actually designed to 'keep my down/dependent', but assumed it was a Control Issue on El Padrasto's part, that he needed to be King Shit in the Family System, which is certainly a factor.
But in the past year old memories have clarified and an uglier set of motivations have come into focus....
….and I'll just leave it at that for reasons that I'm also not ready to share.
We got an 18 cup Brita water dispenser because my local pal Pasty Ruth told me there were 'local water issues', like Erin Brockovich kinda issues. She's actually supposed to be here soon to address the local political body - a gaggle of greedy useless fucks - about said water issues.
Anyway, it started leaking after a day or so. And I immediately went to 'everything I get is fucked'. But we figured out - Le-Le mostly - that the bolt holding the spigot in place was loose and just needed to be tightened. Now it's fine.
But that “I Can't Have Anything” programming is still hard wired into my psyche - though I have loosened it somewhat in the past few years - and that is the direct result of El Padrasto's actions over the decades. I was offered/promised Something Good and then is was some how ruined and/or taken away. Even the few things that I came up with myself were subjected to the same treatment.
There is a long list of these types of events and situations that are too tiring to list, but they run right up until shit blew up at Hotel Hell in Sept, 2003.
For a long time I thought it was me. Then I realized it was them - my mother participated in this - but did not understand why. Then I figured out that it was actually designed to 'keep my down/dependent', but assumed it was a Control Issue on El Padrasto's part, that he needed to be King Shit in the Family System, which is certainly a factor.
But in the past year old memories have clarified and an uglier set of motivations have come into focus....
….and I'll just leave it at that for reasons that I'm also not ready to share.