Almost done with home
It has been 7 weeks of home for me. Weeks that have been full of conflict, especially with my mom after I finally confessed to her that I am gay. It has been a difficult period no question, filled with frustration and guilt to some degree. These weeks, however, have had good moments. I have enjoyed sharing with some of the members of my family, seeing them again after another semester abroad. I've gotten to hang out with a few of my cousins, some of whom are like brothers to me, having grown up close to them for many years. Sometimes, I miss having them around in Chicago, they know a part of me that is probably not present while am in Chicago. At home I display attributes of my personality that lean more towards the traditionally manly, rather than my usual mix of both. It is not as if I force myself to do so, but the environment affects me subconsciously to carry myself the way I do. However, I do think there's a slight desire on my part not to give away any important clues of my sexuality physically or in how I talk since I don't want my cousins and others in my family to find out about my homosexual tendencies in such a way. I'd much rather explain to them in a one-on-one conversation, assuming the consequences if there are any.
Coming out to my mom has put a hold on my objective of eventually telling those in my family that I presume deserve and are interested in knowing more about my life. My mom's reaction could be a prelude of what's coming, or maybe not, but the doubt is now stronger, and therefore my fear of telling others considerably bigger.
The last few days have helped me to stay busy and keep unwanted thoughts from my head. One of the reasons being the America's Cup of soccer that is taking place in my country. Yesterday was my second trip to watch a professional soccer game in my life. After having woken up at 5am yesterday, we drove for 5 hours to Barquisimeto (3 of my cousins, my dad and myself), waited in a line to get tickets of a badly organized tournament after we had already bought them more than one month ago. The waiting became tiresome, exasperating, and frustrating.....it ended up taking around 5 hrs. We finally managed to get to the stadium and enjoyed of a game and a half, after having missed about half of the first one due to delays in the process. Argentina vs Paraguay was a delight to watch, especially due to the quality of some of the players in the Argentinian national team, such as Messi, Tevez, Zanetti, etc.
The return home was just as long and dreadful but, all in all, it was worth it for a soccer fan like myself.
Today I looked at the calendar and realized that there's only 3 weeks or so to end my stay at home and go back to Chicago. The arrival of July also reminds me that this is another anniversary of this journal of mine. The first post was exactly on July 21st 2005, after having checked the site for more than a month. At the time, I had two online buddies in here, both of whom have ceased to exist in this community: mr.Ed (red of the reddest Eddie) and Alex Vazquez (who eventually became my 2nd boyfriend). Every single time I read a couple of my posts back then I feel surprised about how different of a person I used to be. It seems incredible to me the level of immaturity I showcased, the level of ignorance and the level of innocence. I not only wrote entirely different, but I had entirely different tastes, and interests that were still evolving to become what they are now. With that am not trying to say am a huge tree of wisdom, but at least when I compare myself today with what I used to be 2 yrs ago, it becomes clear to me that I have grown and changed.
July 2005 also marks the start of a new Niels, one that was seduced by love, and was transformed by it. The experience of love, the distance of it and the definitive fall was necessary in order for me to become a better man.
July 31st 2007 will bring me back to the arms of the person I love and yearn....my beautiful Craig. I can't wait to spend all my time with him again !!
And for those who still read, my most sincere thanks for remaining with me through so long.
Niels "I wish it was July 30th"
Coming out to my mom has put a hold on my objective of eventually telling those in my family that I presume deserve and are interested in knowing more about my life. My mom's reaction could be a prelude of what's coming, or maybe not, but the doubt is now stronger, and therefore my fear of telling others considerably bigger.
The last few days have helped me to stay busy and keep unwanted thoughts from my head. One of the reasons being the America's Cup of soccer that is taking place in my country. Yesterday was my second trip to watch a professional soccer game in my life. After having woken up at 5am yesterday, we drove for 5 hours to Barquisimeto (3 of my cousins, my dad and myself), waited in a line to get tickets of a badly organized tournament after we had already bought them more than one month ago. The waiting became tiresome, exasperating, and frustrating.....it ended up taking around 5 hrs. We finally managed to get to the stadium and enjoyed of a game and a half, after having missed about half of the first one due to delays in the process. Argentina vs Paraguay was a delight to watch, especially due to the quality of some of the players in the Argentinian national team, such as Messi, Tevez, Zanetti, etc.
The return home was just as long and dreadful but, all in all, it was worth it for a soccer fan like myself.
Today I looked at the calendar and realized that there's only 3 weeks or so to end my stay at home and go back to Chicago. The arrival of July also reminds me that this is another anniversary of this journal of mine. The first post was exactly on July 21st 2005, after having checked the site for more than a month. At the time, I had two online buddies in here, both of whom have ceased to exist in this community: mr.Ed (red of the reddest Eddie) and Alex Vazquez (who eventually became my 2nd boyfriend). Every single time I read a couple of my posts back then I feel surprised about how different of a person I used to be. It seems incredible to me the level of immaturity I showcased, the level of ignorance and the level of innocence. I not only wrote entirely different, but I had entirely different tastes, and interests that were still evolving to become what they are now. With that am not trying to say am a huge tree of wisdom, but at least when I compare myself today with what I used to be 2 yrs ago, it becomes clear to me that I have grown and changed.
July 2005 also marks the start of a new Niels, one that was seduced by love, and was transformed by it. The experience of love, the distance of it and the definitive fall was necessary in order for me to become a better man.
July 31st 2007 will bring me back to the arms of the person I love and yearn....my beautiful Craig. I can't wait to spend all my time with him again !!
And for those who still read, my most sincere thanks for remaining with me through so long.
Niels "I wish it was July 30th"