Being gay brings sadness
So, why is it that I have to go back to feeling bad (and even guilty) over the fact that am gay and nothing can change it....well I say nothing humane, because there's always the electroshock or something crazy like that.
My mom has been sad since I told her, all due to me. She insists I should pause and try to "rectify", seek for the outside help I didn't seem to seek when I was coming out of the closet. She says am not ready to confront my family because I'm afraid of the consequences it might bring and she's completely right. I'm afraid that my sexuality will put those who love me away from me, further than they have ever been. I know that the truth will find my cousins eventually(some of whom are like brothers to me), my uncles and aunts, and worst of all....my dad.
Dj has told me I don't need to worry about their reaction too much because they'll keep loving me and am not afraid it would stop, but...the relationship, the way we interact will change forever. I wouldn't like it to be this way, but I have to accept some people at this point in time, for whatever reason, are not comfortable having a homosexual close to them.
Some in my family will see it as immoral, some as socially unacceptable, some as an embarrassment, some as a condition that bothers and annoys, making them uncomfortable.
Why is it that I simply have no choice. Why is it that by trying to take the path that would most likely maintain me happy, I have to hurt others and give up some of the people I've grown up with.
I enjoy the way things have been between me and my family. According to some, I'm some sort of person to look up to since I managed to escape the ruin my country has fallen into and be somewhat successful at it. Is it possible that by embracing my sexuality, I'll be tearing the expectations, the dreams and the hopes of others close to me?
These are all tough questions I have begun to think a little further since my mom insists on revealing to me, or rather, explaining to me how the decision I've made to be who I truly am can change my life in not so good ways. I even think....is it really worth the sacrifice? What do I obtain from deciding to embrace my sexuality?
I obtain the sentimental, loving and sexual satisfaction...in exchange for what? For a life with no children of my own (I do want my kids at some point in the future), with little or no family backing me up, losing contact with those who I have grown up with and mean so much, having to put up with the judgmental eyes of other people just because I want to hold hands with my partner......I am sacrificing a lot.
I clarify that am not considering the possibility of backing down and keep faking as I used to do in the past....a "normal" life that made me so isolated and unhappy just to keep those around me satisfied. I definitely don't want/cant do that. I can't do that to myself, I choose to be selfish at least this once....not that it should be considered as a selfish act, but it is anyways.
I'm so torn about this stupid situation. I need my Craig, I need his hugs and his kisses. I need him around, so I can smile broadly again because I feel safe and accepted.
At the end, the saddest part is that I have already begun to lose the acceptance of my family, starting with my mom, who has promised to live with it, but will not live happy until she gets her miracle of turning her son back to being "normal.
Niels "don't want it to become a burden again"
My mom has been sad since I told her, all due to me. She insists I should pause and try to "rectify", seek for the outside help I didn't seem to seek when I was coming out of the closet. She says am not ready to confront my family because I'm afraid of the consequences it might bring and she's completely right. I'm afraid that my sexuality will put those who love me away from me, further than they have ever been. I know that the truth will find my cousins eventually(some of whom are like brothers to me), my uncles and aunts, and worst of all....my dad.
Dj has told me I don't need to worry about their reaction too much because they'll keep loving me and am not afraid it would stop, but...the relationship, the way we interact will change forever. I wouldn't like it to be this way, but I have to accept some people at this point in time, for whatever reason, are not comfortable having a homosexual close to them.
Some in my family will see it as immoral, some as socially unacceptable, some as an embarrassment, some as a condition that bothers and annoys, making them uncomfortable.
Why is it that I simply have no choice. Why is it that by trying to take the path that would most likely maintain me happy, I have to hurt others and give up some of the people I've grown up with.
I enjoy the way things have been between me and my family. According to some, I'm some sort of person to look up to since I managed to escape the ruin my country has fallen into and be somewhat successful at it. Is it possible that by embracing my sexuality, I'll be tearing the expectations, the dreams and the hopes of others close to me?
These are all tough questions I have begun to think a little further since my mom insists on revealing to me, or rather, explaining to me how the decision I've made to be who I truly am can change my life in not so good ways. I even think....is it really worth the sacrifice? What do I obtain from deciding to embrace my sexuality?
I obtain the sentimental, loving and sexual satisfaction...in exchange for what? For a life with no children of my own (I do want my kids at some point in the future), with little or no family backing me up, losing contact with those who I have grown up with and mean so much, having to put up with the judgmental eyes of other people just because I want to hold hands with my partner......I am sacrificing a lot.
I clarify that am not considering the possibility of backing down and keep faking as I used to do in the past....a "normal" life that made me so isolated and unhappy just to keep those around me satisfied. I definitely don't want/cant do that. I can't do that to myself, I choose to be selfish at least this once....not that it should be considered as a selfish act, but it is anyways.
I'm so torn about this stupid situation. I need my Craig, I need his hugs and his kisses. I need him around, so I can smile broadly again because I feel safe and accepted.
At the end, the saddest part is that I have already begun to lose the acceptance of my family, starting with my mom, who has promised to live with it, but will not live happy until she gets her miracle of turning her son back to being "normal.
Niels "don't want it to become a burden again"