Keep Your Soul Like A Secret In Your Throat 7/?
Title: Keep Your Soul Like A Secret In Your Throat 7/?
Pairing: Adam/Tommy, Adam/Isaac(not relationship wise)
Beta: i_glitterz
Author(s):i_glitterz and kittys_devil
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 2200(<-- this chapter)
Disclaimer: Please don't send to anyone named in this fic. I don't own anything or anyone. Not making any profit. Adam owns Tommy, Tommy owns Adam, and everyone else owns everyone else as well.
Warning: blood talk, persuasiveness, anger, refusal, angst, possessiveness, arguments, language
Summary: Adam's been neglecting himself from the one thing he needs to survive, but it's not like he's doing it on purpose; he's on tour and that distracts him from his need to feed. Tommy suggests to Adam that he can feed off of him, but Adam refuses, until he can't take it anymore and finally gives in. What happens when it becomes routine; Tommy being the only person he feeds from? And when the elephant in the room explodes, can they get back to where they were or will they become more than what they were to each other before?
Author's Notes: This will be a chaptered fic, thanks to adobejunkie for the banner and sorry for the time away. We've been busy working on other stories along with this one!
With every step that Tommy takes away from Adam’s door, his mind races with thoughts of hurt, anger and regret. This was not supposed to happen. This was just supposed to be Tommy helping Adam out, but instead he feels as if his heart has been crushed and that he’s the one that totally fucked up the best friendship he’s ever had.
“Please, please, please be here,” he whispers under his breath as he knocks on Isaac’s door. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do if he’s not back yet. Tommy knows he’s in no condition to go back to the club, plus he really doesn’t want to take the chance of running into the ass who wouldn’t take no for an answer. He doesn’t even feel like he needs a drink anymore, just to clear some of the thoughts out of his head. He can feel the burn of tears welling up in his eyes as the door opens up and he comes face to face with Isaac.
“Tommy?” Isaac asks with a look of confusion on his face.
“I... Fuck... Can I come in?” Tommy asks quietly, like if he talks too loudly the whole world will know his secret. He wipes at him eyes, hoping that his make-up isn’t running or anything. Seeing Isaac should help, because he needs to let something out.
Tommy walks into the room after Isaac steps out of the way without saying anything. He can see the look of concern on Isaac’s face, and he’s sure Isaac has some idea about what’s going on. He knows what happened after the show and at the club, but Tommy doesn’t know if he wants to hear about what happened when he and Adam got back.
“I think I really fucked up, Isaac. I just... It wasn’t supposed to... And now it has... And, fuck,” Tommy babbles out. He knows he isn’t making any sense, but he’s torn up with emotions right now, so how is he supposed to put a coherent thought together? He falls on to Isaac’s bed face first, hiding from him -- even though he came to talk --, from the world, from everything that he does not want to face right now.
“Tommy, what is going on?” Isaac asks as he carefully sits on the bed next to Tommy. “Not that I mind you coming here, but um, why aren’t you with Adam, and are you sure he’s not gonna lose it when he finds out you’re here?”
Tommy turns his head just enough to see Isaac looking down at him with a look of confusion and a hint of fear. Tommy gets it; he knows that fear, felt it himself just a little bit ago. He hates that he’s allowed Adam to scare him like that, but even more that Adam’s gotten so possessive that his friends are afraid to even talk to him. He needs to fix this, fix everything that he’s managed to fuck up the moment he told Adam he would be his donor. Tommy just wants everything to go back to the way it was before he saw the look of desperation in Adam’s eyes when he first fed from him.
“I fucked up. Like really bad, Isaac. I just wanted to help him, ya know. It wasn’t supposed to be this intense, this,” Tommy shudders a little, “frightening.”
“Tommy, what the fuck happened tonight? You’re really starting to freak me out. Talk to me. What happened after the two of you left the club?”
“It’s not just tonight, Isaac, it’s everything that’s happened in the last few months. I just never...” Tommy trails off, stopping himself from saying the words that he’s hardly accepted himself. He never meant to feel this way about Adam, but how does he explain why he’s freaking out without giving Isaac every detail about everything? “I just never expected things to change this much.”
Isaac looks at Tommy and shakes his head a little, not in a demeaning kind of way, more of like a what have you gotten yourself into kind of way. Tommy gives him a small smile, hoping it will fix everything, but he really should know better than to think that just smiling at Isaac will stop him from being so concerned.
“Oh, no, you aren’t getting off that easy, pretty boy. Spill it. You came here to talk, so talk, please. What is going on inside of that head of yours? You don’t get to come knocking on my door at ass o’clock in the morning looking like a disaster struck and then not tell me what’s going on. You can stay here, that’s not a problem, but you aren’t sleeping until I know what the fuck happened and what kind of mess we’re gonna be facing in the morning when we see Adam again.”
Tommy takes in a breath and lets it out really slowly before he rolls onto his back. He can’t look as Isaac while he tells him this, it’s just too much and too personal and just way more information than he ever thought he would be sharing with his friend. He lays there on his back, staring up at the white ceiling, hoping that maybe it’ll have all the answers he’s looking for. He gives up after a moment, almost laughing at the thought that he’s turned to white hotel ceilings for advice on his life.
“So you know how Adam was all possessive after the show, right? And then stormed off? When I got out of the shower after you and Ashley talked with me, he was there and he seemed fine, all smiles and it kind of freaked me out a little, but I didn’t think too much about it. And then that guy at the club tried to get me to dance with him, and well, you saw all that. It took everything I had to pull him out of there, Isaac. It was really scaring me. I thought for sure Adam was gonna kill that guy,” Tommy pauses and he can feel Isaac’s eyes on him and he’s just waiting for the ‘I told you so’ to come out. He doesn’t want to hear it, knows that Adam warned him about the possessiveness and that Isaac and Ashley told him not to come to the club in the first place, and also that he didn’t listen. He already has that guilt, so he doesn’t want Isaac pointing it out to him; it’s not what he came here for.
“We got back to the hotel and he looked crazed. It was like he had no control. He asked me to help him, from what, I didn’t know, but I guessed. His bloodlust was almost out of control. He was so focused on me and my scent that he got turned on from me being so scared. I didn’t know what to do, Isaac. I had to calm him down, go with what he needed.”
“Fuck, did he hurt you, Tommy? I don’t care who he is or what the two of you agreed to, he does not need to hurt you,” Isaac says out with so much concern and pissed off anger, it has Tommy feeling guilty for making him worry.
“No, it wasn’t like that. He said he just needed to be with me, to make sure I was still his. He kept asking like he doubted everything. He fed again and it was so intense this time.” Tommy stops again because, fuck, he feels like he needs to tell Isaac what happened, but this is so embarrassing. He can already feel his face blushing. “He was on top of me and I got so fucking hard, dude. It’s never been like this. I haven’t gotten this turned on from him feeding from me before and it freaked me out. He wouldn’t stop when I kept asking him to and he kept feeding and fuck, before I knew it, I was coming so hard, it made me black out. Adam totally freaked out when I woke up, and he was apologizing like I’ve never heard him do before.”
Tommy just stops and takes a deep breath. It’s like he’s reliving this all over again, the fear and the uncertainty rushing through him, followed by the guilty feeling of coming from Adam feeding off him. He lays there for a moment, collecting his thoughts before he continues on. “He kissed me, Isaac, not like any kiss we’ve had before. I’m fine with that. Fuck, you know that, but he just couldn’t stop. His hands were everywhere, everything was moving so fast. I kept stopping him, but he just couldn’t control himself, or he was trying to prove a point, I’m not sure which, maybe both. Then he started rambling about how he couldn’t stop touching me, how much he needed me and that this couldn’t work. He said it was over, that we can’t do this anymore. He’s afraid he’s going to hurt me, or kill me, but fuck, he already has hurt me, Isaac. I can’t do this, pretend like nothing happened, like we don’t have this connection, like I don’t have this need to be with him.”
Tommy can feel the tears welling up in his eyes again and he blinks, trying to force them away. No matter how much he’s told himself that he’s never had feelings for Adam other than friendship, he knows it’s a lie, that they have always had a connection that was more than just friends. And now it’s like he’s losing everything, his best friend and this thing they had that was almost like a relationship but not exactly. And to have it happen just after they almost but not quite had sex, just feels like a slap across his face.
“He’s kind of right, Tommy. It’s dangerous being a donor, no matter who you are. It’s even more dangerous for you as close as you and Adam are to each other. That doesn’t mean he handled this in the best way, though. Maybe a break would be better for you, do you both some good, give you time to figure out if you really want this, if you really can live with him being possessive. You know, he’s always been that way when it came to you, come to think of it. I saw how much more he was even before I knew what the two of you were doing and I thought it was just because you guys were dating. I had no clue that you offered to be his donor. I know it sucks, but just give it some time, okay? If he needs anything, he can come to me and I’ll help him out, but that doesn’t mean I’m turning into his donor.”
“But it’s not as simple as just that anymore, Isaac. It’s become more than just being his donor, well at least for me. I’ve never felt this way about a guy, and I don’t know if it’s Adam feeding from me that makes me feel this way about him or if I really have feelings for him,” Tommy says as he huffs out a breath, wishing that Isaac could just read his mind, it would make this so much easier. Trying to find words to explain the intense and confusing feelings he has for Adam is a lot harder than he thought it would be. “I feel crushed right now, like worse than any break up I’ve ever been through and we weren’t even really together. I don’t want this to end, I don’t want to walk away and wonder ‘what if’, you know? I just... Fuck. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Just don’t think of this as a break up. It’s a break, for you both to get a breather, get your heads on straight and then go from there. Nothing is stopping you from being his donor again. I think it will do you both some good. I think you both might have kinda jumped into this faster than you should have,” Isaac says so matter of factly that Tommy can’t see anyway to argue with him. “This will give you a chance to figure out if you really want this and for you to figure out what all these new feelings are about.”
Tommy knows what Isaac is saying makes sense, but it doesn’t make it any easier. He still wants to run back to Adam’s room, to make him understand everything he’s feeling even if he can’t find the words, but he pushes those thoughts back into his mind. He can do a break, it’s not the end, it’s just some time off from the intense relationship that came out of this so fast.
“You know it will work out, right, Tommy? Just don’t push it, okay? Now, let’s get some sleep. It’s been a long day,” Isaac says as he digs out some sleep pants for Tommy to put on.
By the time Tommy has showered and fallen into bed, he’s more than ready for sleep. He curls up next to Isaac seen as how there’s only one bed, and his last thought before sleep overtakes him is the kiss Adam gave him and how different it was, how it made him feel like maybe, just maybe, Adam felt the same way.
Pairing: Adam/Tommy, Adam/Isaac(not relationship wise)
Beta: i_glitterz
Author(s):i_glitterz and kittys_devil
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 2200(<-- this chapter)
Disclaimer: Please don't send to anyone named in this fic. I don't own anything or anyone. Not making any profit. Adam owns Tommy, Tommy owns Adam, and everyone else owns everyone else as well.
Warning: blood talk, persuasiveness, anger, refusal, angst, possessiveness, arguments, language
Summary: Adam's been neglecting himself from the one thing he needs to survive, but it's not like he's doing it on purpose; he's on tour and that distracts him from his need to feed. Tommy suggests to Adam that he can feed off of him, but Adam refuses, until he can't take it anymore and finally gives in. What happens when it becomes routine; Tommy being the only person he feeds from? And when the elephant in the room explodes, can they get back to where they were or will they become more than what they were to each other before?
Author's Notes: This will be a chaptered fic, thanks to adobejunkie for the banner and sorry for the time away. We've been busy working on other stories along with this one!
With every step that Tommy takes away from Adam’s door, his mind races with thoughts of hurt, anger and regret. This was not supposed to happen. This was just supposed to be Tommy helping Adam out, but instead he feels as if his heart has been crushed and that he’s the one that totally fucked up the best friendship he’s ever had.
“Please, please, please be here,” he whispers under his breath as he knocks on Isaac’s door. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do if he’s not back yet. Tommy knows he’s in no condition to go back to the club, plus he really doesn’t want to take the chance of running into the ass who wouldn’t take no for an answer. He doesn’t even feel like he needs a drink anymore, just to clear some of the thoughts out of his head. He can feel the burn of tears welling up in his eyes as the door opens up and he comes face to face with Isaac.
“Tommy?” Isaac asks with a look of confusion on his face.
“I... Fuck... Can I come in?” Tommy asks quietly, like if he talks too loudly the whole world will know his secret. He wipes at him eyes, hoping that his make-up isn’t running or anything. Seeing Isaac should help, because he needs to let something out.
Tommy walks into the room after Isaac steps out of the way without saying anything. He can see the look of concern on Isaac’s face, and he’s sure Isaac has some idea about what’s going on. He knows what happened after the show and at the club, but Tommy doesn’t know if he wants to hear about what happened when he and Adam got back.
“I think I really fucked up, Isaac. I just... It wasn’t supposed to... And now it has... And, fuck,” Tommy babbles out. He knows he isn’t making any sense, but he’s torn up with emotions right now, so how is he supposed to put a coherent thought together? He falls on to Isaac’s bed face first, hiding from him -- even though he came to talk --, from the world, from everything that he does not want to face right now.
“Tommy, what is going on?” Isaac asks as he carefully sits on the bed next to Tommy. “Not that I mind you coming here, but um, why aren’t you with Adam, and are you sure he’s not gonna lose it when he finds out you’re here?”
Tommy turns his head just enough to see Isaac looking down at him with a look of confusion and a hint of fear. Tommy gets it; he knows that fear, felt it himself just a little bit ago. He hates that he’s allowed Adam to scare him like that, but even more that Adam’s gotten so possessive that his friends are afraid to even talk to him. He needs to fix this, fix everything that he’s managed to fuck up the moment he told Adam he would be his donor. Tommy just wants everything to go back to the way it was before he saw the look of desperation in Adam’s eyes when he first fed from him.
“I fucked up. Like really bad, Isaac. I just wanted to help him, ya know. It wasn’t supposed to be this intense, this,” Tommy shudders a little, “frightening.”
“Tommy, what the fuck happened tonight? You’re really starting to freak me out. Talk to me. What happened after the two of you left the club?”
“It’s not just tonight, Isaac, it’s everything that’s happened in the last few months. I just never...” Tommy trails off, stopping himself from saying the words that he’s hardly accepted himself. He never meant to feel this way about Adam, but how does he explain why he’s freaking out without giving Isaac every detail about everything? “I just never expected things to change this much.”
Isaac looks at Tommy and shakes his head a little, not in a demeaning kind of way, more of like a what have you gotten yourself into kind of way. Tommy gives him a small smile, hoping it will fix everything, but he really should know better than to think that just smiling at Isaac will stop him from being so concerned.
“Oh, no, you aren’t getting off that easy, pretty boy. Spill it. You came here to talk, so talk, please. What is going on inside of that head of yours? You don’t get to come knocking on my door at ass o’clock in the morning looking like a disaster struck and then not tell me what’s going on. You can stay here, that’s not a problem, but you aren’t sleeping until I know what the fuck happened and what kind of mess we’re gonna be facing in the morning when we see Adam again.”
Tommy takes in a breath and lets it out really slowly before he rolls onto his back. He can’t look as Isaac while he tells him this, it’s just too much and too personal and just way more information than he ever thought he would be sharing with his friend. He lays there on his back, staring up at the white ceiling, hoping that maybe it’ll have all the answers he’s looking for. He gives up after a moment, almost laughing at the thought that he’s turned to white hotel ceilings for advice on his life.
“So you know how Adam was all possessive after the show, right? And then stormed off? When I got out of the shower after you and Ashley talked with me, he was there and he seemed fine, all smiles and it kind of freaked me out a little, but I didn’t think too much about it. And then that guy at the club tried to get me to dance with him, and well, you saw all that. It took everything I had to pull him out of there, Isaac. It was really scaring me. I thought for sure Adam was gonna kill that guy,” Tommy pauses and he can feel Isaac’s eyes on him and he’s just waiting for the ‘I told you so’ to come out. He doesn’t want to hear it, knows that Adam warned him about the possessiveness and that Isaac and Ashley told him not to come to the club in the first place, and also that he didn’t listen. He already has that guilt, so he doesn’t want Isaac pointing it out to him; it’s not what he came here for.
“We got back to the hotel and he looked crazed. It was like he had no control. He asked me to help him, from what, I didn’t know, but I guessed. His bloodlust was almost out of control. He was so focused on me and my scent that he got turned on from me being so scared. I didn’t know what to do, Isaac. I had to calm him down, go with what he needed.”
“Fuck, did he hurt you, Tommy? I don’t care who he is or what the two of you agreed to, he does not need to hurt you,” Isaac says out with so much concern and pissed off anger, it has Tommy feeling guilty for making him worry.
“No, it wasn’t like that. He said he just needed to be with me, to make sure I was still his. He kept asking like he doubted everything. He fed again and it was so intense this time.” Tommy stops again because, fuck, he feels like he needs to tell Isaac what happened, but this is so embarrassing. He can already feel his face blushing. “He was on top of me and I got so fucking hard, dude. It’s never been like this. I haven’t gotten this turned on from him feeding from me before and it freaked me out. He wouldn’t stop when I kept asking him to and he kept feeding and fuck, before I knew it, I was coming so hard, it made me black out. Adam totally freaked out when I woke up, and he was apologizing like I’ve never heard him do before.”
Tommy just stops and takes a deep breath. It’s like he’s reliving this all over again, the fear and the uncertainty rushing through him, followed by the guilty feeling of coming from Adam feeding off him. He lays there for a moment, collecting his thoughts before he continues on. “He kissed me, Isaac, not like any kiss we’ve had before. I’m fine with that. Fuck, you know that, but he just couldn’t stop. His hands were everywhere, everything was moving so fast. I kept stopping him, but he just couldn’t control himself, or he was trying to prove a point, I’m not sure which, maybe both. Then he started rambling about how he couldn’t stop touching me, how much he needed me and that this couldn’t work. He said it was over, that we can’t do this anymore. He’s afraid he’s going to hurt me, or kill me, but fuck, he already has hurt me, Isaac. I can’t do this, pretend like nothing happened, like we don’t have this connection, like I don’t have this need to be with him.”
Tommy can feel the tears welling up in his eyes again and he blinks, trying to force them away. No matter how much he’s told himself that he’s never had feelings for Adam other than friendship, he knows it’s a lie, that they have always had a connection that was more than just friends. And now it’s like he’s losing everything, his best friend and this thing they had that was almost like a relationship but not exactly. And to have it happen just after they almost but not quite had sex, just feels like a slap across his face.
“He’s kind of right, Tommy. It’s dangerous being a donor, no matter who you are. It’s even more dangerous for you as close as you and Adam are to each other. That doesn’t mean he handled this in the best way, though. Maybe a break would be better for you, do you both some good, give you time to figure out if you really want this, if you really can live with him being possessive. You know, he’s always been that way when it came to you, come to think of it. I saw how much more he was even before I knew what the two of you were doing and I thought it was just because you guys were dating. I had no clue that you offered to be his donor. I know it sucks, but just give it some time, okay? If he needs anything, he can come to me and I’ll help him out, but that doesn’t mean I’m turning into his donor.”
“But it’s not as simple as just that anymore, Isaac. It’s become more than just being his donor, well at least for me. I’ve never felt this way about a guy, and I don’t know if it’s Adam feeding from me that makes me feel this way about him or if I really have feelings for him,” Tommy says as he huffs out a breath, wishing that Isaac could just read his mind, it would make this so much easier. Trying to find words to explain the intense and confusing feelings he has for Adam is a lot harder than he thought it would be. “I feel crushed right now, like worse than any break up I’ve ever been through and we weren’t even really together. I don’t want this to end, I don’t want to walk away and wonder ‘what if’, you know? I just... Fuck. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Just don’t think of this as a break up. It’s a break, for you both to get a breather, get your heads on straight and then go from there. Nothing is stopping you from being his donor again. I think it will do you both some good. I think you both might have kinda jumped into this faster than you should have,” Isaac says so matter of factly that Tommy can’t see anyway to argue with him. “This will give you a chance to figure out if you really want this and for you to figure out what all these new feelings are about.”
Tommy knows what Isaac is saying makes sense, but it doesn’t make it any easier. He still wants to run back to Adam’s room, to make him understand everything he’s feeling even if he can’t find the words, but he pushes those thoughts back into his mind. He can do a break, it’s not the end, it’s just some time off from the intense relationship that came out of this so fast.
“You know it will work out, right, Tommy? Just don’t push it, okay? Now, let’s get some sleep. It’s been a long day,” Isaac says as he digs out some sleep pants for Tommy to put on.
By the time Tommy has showered and fallen into bed, he’s more than ready for sleep. He curls up next to Isaac seen as how there’s only one bed, and his last thought before sleep overtakes him is the kiss Adam gave him and how different it was, how it made him feel like maybe, just maybe, Adam felt the same way.