like a moon on water. (4/4)
Title: like a moon on water
Pairing: Rachel/Quinn
Rating: T
Spoilers: Up to 3x20 if I'm remembering correctly.
Authors Note: This was intended to be much shorter than it turned out but then SNG aired and I needed to scrub my brain clean by continuing it and re-writing what I can only dread the rest of the season to be. I began this before Big Brother aired so there are small differences but nothing too major, I don't think. I hope you enjoy this more than Mercedes loves her tots.
Summary: If you asked anyone they would tell you that Quinn hadn't really changed that much at all. Anyone but Rachel Berry. Post OMW.
“Are you scared?”
Quinn was on her bed and she looked away from the laptop to Rachel who was sat at the desk. She smirked. “To start this paper?”
“About college. Leaving this place.”
“What do you think?”
“Well, I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking.”
“Rachel, if you think there’s a single one of us not afraid of leaving for college then you really need to pay more attention to your friends,” Quinn smiled. “Of course I’m scared to go to New Haven.”
Rachel turned around more in her seat, facing the blonde properly. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“Because it would be weird if I wasn’t afraid. I’m scared, terrified even, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m sure you know how that feels. When it’s time to leave and I’m more terrified than I’ve ever been, I also know that it will be one of the happiest days of my life. Once I’m over that fear, the rush and the sense of freedom is going to be amazing. Think about it. Close your eyes and picture yourself in New York.”
Rachel smiled softly. “I don’t have to close my eyes to be able to do that.”
“You have nothing to be scared of. If any of us should be walking around with a blasé attitude about their career, it’s you. If you’re going to make it has never been a question. Your journey towards that is going to be incredible. New York has been waiting for you this whole time, too.”
“Even if... even if I don’t have Finn?”
“Especially if you don’t have Finn,” Quinn said honestly. She looked at Rachel carefully. “Is that something you’re thinking about?”
“I’m thinking about a lot of things.”
Quinn put her laptop on the chair next to her bed. “Do you need a hug?”
Rachel smiled, relieved. “Yes.”
“You’re going to have to come here.”
Her head shook and she used her feet to roll the desk chair closer to Quinn's bed. “You come here.”
“My sticks aren’t here.”
“So? I’m here.”
Rachel held her hands out and patiently waited for Quinn to move to the end of the bed and use the bedpost to pull herself up with. She held on tightly as soon as her hands were grabbed for balance. She was so proud of Quinn, for everything she’d achieved.
And she smiled every time Quinn laughed at her rolling backwards each time they were getting close enough to hug. Quinn was slowly walking across the bedroom after her.
“This was your plan all along, wasn’t it?”
Quinn’s question was met with an innocent shrug and they continued gradually making their way across the room until Rachel backed into the wall. Quinn looked down to her with a confident arch of her brow. She felt exhilarated after making it so far without any aid but Rachel’s. “Where are you gonna go now?”
Rachel just grinned and got to her feet, careful to let go of only one of Quinn's hands at a time before they were hugging. A frown pulled her brows and she adjusted her head on Quinn's shoulder to be closer. Her eyes closed. This was how it was supposed to be. It was ridiculous that people had ever considered them to be enemies. Maybe they hadn’t always been friends but they’d always been something, always been connected to each other in some way.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah.”
“How does it feel for you, you know, hugging me and being close to me?” Rachel asked.
“I can’t answer that.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s not fair,” Quinn answered softly. “It’ll get messy if we start with that.”
“I think it’s going to be messy whatever I do,” Rachel said. “It’s just that- well, you’ve been guarded with that stuff. It makes me wonder if it feels any different to how I feel.”
“Ask me another time, okay?” she said, slow pulling back. It wasn’t exactly a subtle indication to the day Rachel ended things with Finn. Quinn couldn’t start telling Rachel about the way she made her feel. If she started, she’d never be able to stop and she’d got pregnant and contracted mono when she’d cheated in the past. God knows what would become of her if she cheated a third time. She was already in a wheelchair. Less and less these days but still.
It was for the best, Rachel supposed, but now that Quinn being in love with her wasn’t a characteristic of an alternate reality, Rachel wanted to know all of those things. She wanted to know how she made Quinn feel, how she thought about her and imagined their relationship in the future. Rachel wanted to know how Quinn kissed and how she’d be touched by her.
She wanted to know everything and it was awful because she was engaged and Finn was under the impression that everything was perfect again.
Spotting the teddy she’d given Quinn at the hospital lying on the floor next to her bed made Rachel feel like she was going to cry.
* * *
Finn had asked Rachel if she wanted to go bowling almost as soon as she’d come over. She declined because they had things to talk about instead of goofing off. She was guilty of it sometimes too but it had to stop. If Quinn's accident had taught her anything it was that it could all end in a second. And she wouldn’t be content with things as they currently stood anymore.
She was sat cross-legged on Finn’s bed, looking at him across the room as he searched for a picture of the tux he was wearing to Prom.
“I swear it’s around here somewhere.”
He was wearing jeans and a striped polo shirt and it was so completely him that it made Rachel swallow a lump in her throat. The way he was moving around, how he didn’t put things back as they were when he rummaged inside in a drawer was so familiar to watch.
She was terrified of going to New York without him but would it be fair to go knowing that the main reason they stayed together was to have someone to cling to?
Could she do that to another person? Could she let herself be used like that in return?
“Finn, have you been thinking about New York?”
“Yeah,” he said distractedly.
“Did you finish your list, you know, of what you’re going to take?”
“Not yet.” Finn turned around then and saw the disappointment on Rachel's face. “But I’m on it soon, I swear.”
“It’s going to be a small place. It can’t be anymore cluttered than it has to be.” She looked around to his bedroom and there was no sign that he was leaving soon. No sign that he was excited to be leaving soon.
“I know,” Finn said. He’d heard this a hundred times before. His memory wasn’t that bad.
“If you know, why aren’t you thinking about it?” Rachel asked. “Why do I always have to be the one to bring it up and look like I’m nagging?”
“Let’s not fight, okay. I’ll finish the list.”
“But it should have been finished a long time ago. You should be excited to organise this with me. You haven’t even asked what I’m taking.”
“I am excited to organise,” he said, walking closer to the bed.
It wasn’t exactly a compelling argument and Rachel's head shook. “You’re not. I don't know that you ever have been excited about New York.”
Finn's face shifted to serious. “I'm excited, okay? As long as you're excited about the city, so am I.”
She sat forward and put her hand to her chest. “As long as I'm excited? Finn, as long as I'm excited?”
He recoiled at the glare. “Whoa.”
“You don't want to go with me.”
“God, I do!” he yelled. Why wasn’t she dropping it?
“No, you don't,” Rachel countered. “You don't care where we are as long as we're together.” He didn't say anything to that. “Even if it's California, where you know I'd be dead inside. I mean, do you get that? Do you understand that I'm not made for anywhere but New York?”
“I know that,” he grumbled.
“But you still asked me to think about California with you after thinking about it for five minutes. You thought about what you would do and what I would do, even if it is the opposite of the work that you know I want right now.”
“I shouldn't have asked you to do that. It was stupid. I don’t even want to go there anymore.”
“Yes, it was. But it was enthusiasm. You were planning, thinking about the future.”
“Stop. Right now.”
“But don't you see where this is headed?” Rachel looked as dejected as she sounded.
“It's headed to a church, Rachel,” Finn stated. “We’re gonna work this out.”
“No,” she rejected strongly. Rachel closed her eyes once her brain caught up. “No.”
Finn swallowed nervously and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Rach... whatever you're thinking right now- I'll write the list. I'll do it right now.”
“Please don't.”
Finn's face twisted and he began to raise his voice. “God, what do you want? No matter what I do, it's never enough.”
“We don't want the same things!” Rachel replied, tears springing to her eyes as soon as she said it out loud. “God, Finn, I'm so sorry but we don't. You don't want anything to do with the work that I'll be doing or the people that I will constantly be around. How can we be together when one of us will always be miserable no matter what we do?” She wiped some of her tears away. “You deserve more than that, and so do I. I deserve to be proposed to when it isn't a last resort and you deserve to marry someone who is sure- who is so sure about you and your future together. That person isn’t me.”
Finn was looking at Rachel bitterly, shaking his head as a physical rejection of this conversation. But he couldn’t ignore it because he was staring at Rachel and she looked heartbroken that things had got so far out of control.
“And you've just figured out all of this by yourself? Nobody put that idea in your head, like, say, Quinn?”
The truth was, Rachel hadn’t thought about Quinn once. She may have given her the confidence to consider it but this was all her. She needed to do it, for herself and for Finn. One day he would be grateful.
“Don't bring her into this, okay. She has no idea this is happening right now.”
“No, let's. In fact, why don't you put her on Face Time and we can all talk about this.”
“You're blaming her for your actions. You can't do that.”
The muscle in Finn’s cheek clenched. “So none of this is about Quinn, the way you never shut up about her?”
Rachel thought about what she was about to do very carefully and then slowly worked the engagement ring off her finger. She placed it on the night stand.
“I'm doing this for us, Finn,” she said. “Things have been different between us for a long time and you can't honestly tell me that part of you isn't relieved right now. You get to find your dreams and I get to follow mine. We can both be happy.”
“She's in love with you.”
Rachel would never have been able to act ignorant to that. She couldn't pretend to be oblivious when it was cause of such an extreme reaction inside. “I know,” she admitted.
Finn frowned at her response, blinking tears out of his eyes. This was it. “Do you love her back?” He regretted asking as soon as it left his lips. “Wait, don't answer that. Don't say anything.”
She touched his arm as a comforting gesture but wasn’t surprised when he pulled away. It would be horrible to say it now when everything was so raw but she still wanted him in her life. They could be friends. She hoped.
* * *
Rachel cried on and off for two days. Her fathers had comforted her and told her everything she needed to hear but she saw a look of relief cross over both of their faces when she told them what had happened.
Why didn’t they just tell her that marrying Finn was the wrong thing to do?
She wondered if the dinner party they threw in honour of her and Finn’s engagement was nothing but an attempt at reverse psychology. Her and Finn did fight most of that night. It was probably what her parents were hoping for all along.
Rachel decided not to tell anyone else yet.
Kurt knew, just because he lived with Finn. But aside from both of their parents, news hadn’t broken to the rest of their friends or the school yet. She supposed Finn didn’t want it broadcast when he was still so hurt.
Rachel couldn’t tell Quinn about it because it wouldn’t be fair. Quinn would comfort her and then she would get too caught up. Ending things with Finn was ending the unhealthy cycle she knew she had where she gave too much of herself away with nothing in return. She wasn’t going to do that with Quinn. She knew she didn’t have to. Rachel was going to take the time to find herself again after being buried for so long. She was going to take a deep, shuddering breath and experience the fear and then the rush and sense of freedom of being in New York all by herself. And then she would call Quinn and tell her all about it.
Because Quinn was right, she could do New York. She could do anything she wanted and she would never be lonely because she would always have music and friends and people who loved her. Music had always cured her loneliness. Always would.
* * *
Rachel had accepted what had happened between her and Finn fairly quickly and now she had more time on her hands. When she wasn’t going over (and over) her future living and financial arrangements with her fathers, she was dreaming of every little thing she was going to do in New York and every stage she was going to own simply by being on it. And when she wasn’t doing that, Rachel was thinking about Quinn.
They were watching a movie in Rachel's room now.
She was staring at Quinn’s mouth like she was contemplating grabbing her by the face and pushing her down against the mattress, kissing her until it was time to leave for New York. She could do that, right? Rachel swallowed at the thought of it.
Quinn laughed when she looked at her. “You look so serious.”
“Do I?” She didn’t really feel serious when Quinn was on her bed.
“Please tell me you’re not trying to figure out the ending. Save your brain cells.”
“Oh, no.” Rachel shook her head. She couldn’t care less about that.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Kissing you,” she said, watching Quinn's eyebrows shot up at the admission.
“Oh.”
Rachel licked her lips. “I imagine it to be an incredibly pleasurable experience, so.”
Quinn blinked. Her mouth twisted into a smile and she leaned forward in a slow nod, processing what Rachel had candidly blurted out and what she wanted to do in response to that. She figured it out pretty quickly but it wasn’t like she could just grab Rachel by the face and kiss her until they had to leave for college. There was Finn to think about, she internally groaned.
“It is,” she shrugged.
“I’ve also never had any complaints.”
“Great.”
Rachel leaned to the side and let her forehead fall against Quinn's shoulder. “Quinn,” she whined.
Quinn lifted her arm not long after, inviting Rachel closer where she settled contentedly. Well, almost. Less than half a minute passed when Rachel looked up and leaned forward, delivering a simple, sweet kiss to her cheek. It was by no means enough but it would do for now, especially if it was reason for one of Quinn's beaming smiles as she tried to keep her eyes on the TV.
It was a little while later when Quinn was thinking that she’d kill Finn if the tables were turned and he ever sat with Rachel like this. For starters, she’d hit him over the head so many times that he’d be shorter than Rachel.
“Rach-”
“I broke up with Finn.”
It was wishful thinking, right? Her imagination was playing tricks on her. What a bitch. “What?”
Rachel looked up. “Last week.”
Not her imagination. Quinn was momentarily stuck for words. “For you?”
“For me, for him,” Rachel said as Quinn pulled on her arm until it was comfortably draped over her stomach.
“Are you okay?”
“It was the right thing to do, so, yeah, I think I am.” Rachel said. She smiled after a few seconds. “Are you? You look dazed. Are you going into shock? I can get you a blanket.”
Rachel’s hand was pressed against Quinn's face, gauging her body temperature when she laughed. “I think I am.”
“Going into shock?”
“Yeah.”
“I think you’ll be okay,” Rachel said.
Quinn was fairly certain that she was in some sort of shocked state but if Rachel thought she’d be okay, she probably would be. Her fingers stroked over Rachel's arm. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Are you proud of yourself?”
“I think I will be more when I’m in New York, when I’ve done it.”
“You’re almost there,” Quinn said, watching Rachel smile.
“I am, aren’t I?”
* * *
Getting into the habit of using her crutches when she was at home came easily to Quinn now. She was getting faster. She could feel an improvement almost every day and working her legs would only help strengthen them back to full potential.
She’d been in the dance studio after school with Rachel four times in the past two weeks, per her request. She didn’t expect Rachel to join her every time but of course she was looked at like antlers were coming out of her head for suggesting that Rachel could be elsewhere.
Rachel wouldn’t take no for an answer anymore when she asked if they could play music, so it was played. It was upbeat, happy. It made Quinn want to dance and she had a sneaky suspicion that Rachel's intentions hadn’t strayed too far away from that.
Every time they used the barres for support Quinn felt more and more confident. It was getting so much easier that halfway through their second session she told Rachel to take away one of the barres. Halfway through the third they took away any kind of support -besides Rachel's hands ready to shoot out and grab hold- and Quinn spent the time walking, using her legs properly.
And it was halfway through their fourth session that she stopped trying to fight the urge to dance and got it out of her system the best she could, with Rachel right there with her too.
It was goofy and silly, whichever way their bodies wanted to move.
Exhilarated and alive didn’t begin to describe how Quinn felt letting go and dancing, to laugh and be carefree knowing that she was over the worst of it. She was in the last round of her recovery and she was going to win, you could bet on it.
It didn’t even matter when her legs suddenly felt weak and Rachel jumped forward to steady her. Quinn was walking more and more and now she could add dancing to that list. She would be on the stage with her friends at Nationals.
* * *
Senior Prom.
Quinn used to never think about anything else.
She would be crowned Queen and Finn would be crowned King and she would get everything she ever wanted out of high school. It didn’t matter if she stayed in Lima with him after that if she had that title. It didn’t matter what happened after graduating high school as long as she had that validation.
It was like a different person now.
Quinn cared about her future and she had created a better one for herself than a housewife in Lima, Ohio. A lot of women would be content with that life but she wanted more than that and she deserved more than that.
One thing Quinn never imagined was attending her senior Prom stag. Even more inconceivable to her former self would be that she would attend her senior Prom stag and be content about it. She had come a long way and there would be nobody challenging her on that.
She went with Rachel and there were blushes and awed compliments from both of them when they finally saw each other, but they didn’t go as a couple.
Most of the seniors of the Glee club were on the dance floor making everyone else look stupid. Quinn was comfortable at a table sipping punch and smiling at them when she found something to be cute or funny or just lovely to watch. She loved all of them and saying goodbye would be hard.
Quinn was focused on Rachel, hating anyone who got in her line of sight. She had no doubts of her ever looking any different but she thought Rachel looked beautiful in her dress. Beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, just like always.
Someone sat down next to her and she could tell if she was surprised or if she’d been expecting him.
Finn looked at Quinn with a confused frown, like he couldn’t quite work something out. “Hey,” he said, a little warily.
“Hey.”
“You look nice.”
She smiled politely, on some level glad he thought so. “You always seem to scrub up well, too,” Quinn said. It was obvious he was struggling with something because he looked tense, like he was going to burst if he didn’t get it out. She tried not to grimace. “So...”
“Why are you still in that chair?”
Quinn frowned defensively. “Uh, well, actually-”
“I mean, you’ve been having therapy for months, right? And Rachel's been helping you forever. Shouldn’t you be walking by now?”
“Okay,” she started slowly, “if you’re going to be that guy, you know where you can go.”
“I’m not trying to be a jerk.”
“Natural gift?”
Finn’s hand moved closer to hers on top of the table. “I just really need you to get up and walk. I know you can do it.”
Quinn was in her chair but that didn’t mean she was planning on staying in it for the entire night. It was going to be a surprise for her friends after they announced Prom King and Queen, whatever the outcome. She was going to dance with all of them, and afterwards she would walk out of the gym.
“It’s none of your business what I can or can’t do,” she said. “Me being in this chair affects one person: me.”
“No, I need you to get up. Please, Quinn.” Finn looked at her with the same frown but he didn’t look confused anymore, he looked serious. “Everyone’s acting normal, you know, like nothing changed after your accident. But everything did. Everything is different and I thought it would go away once you stopped ignoring Rachel but it didn’t. She still feels so guilty and I know that once you’re out of that chair and back on your feet that everything’s gonna go back to how it was.”
Quinn sat back in her chair, eyeing him guardedly. “She’ll always feel guilty. Being out of this chair will never change that.”
“But it’ll be a start.” He got to his feet and pulled her chair around to face him better before he leaned down and put his arm around her back. “I’ll help you, okay? We’ll get you up and I won’t let go of your hands.”
There was no mistaking Quinn's low, threatening tone. “Get off me.”
Finn did as she said but looked twice as frustrated. Maybe that had been a stupid idea. He sat down quickly, rubbing his hands over his head. “How could you do this to me?”
“Do what?”
“Don’t do that, all right? You know what I’m talking about.”
“No, actually, I don’t. You want to tell me?”
“You love Rachel,” he said. “You think I wouldn’t notice the way you always look at her or the way you act around her?”
“And you think I have a choice in how I feel?”
He shrugged. “You didn’t have to be so obvious. You knew she was engaged to me every time you felt like that. It’s like you didn’t learn your lesson about cheating. I mean, do you seriously need me to tell you how bad it is that-”
“Oh, I learned plenty of lessons when I was with you, Finn,” Quinn said. “And you are not in a position to preach or lecture me, so don’t start. I haven’t made Rachel do anything. We haven’t cheated. Technically we’re not even together yet and we haven’t done anything wrong. Not that you know the difference anymore.”
“No?”
“No. Asking her to marry you was the worst thing you’ve ever done, do you know that?”
“I love her.”
“Okay,” Quinn said. “But you were trapping her. You didn’t prepare for it and you didn’t do anything to handle it afterwards. It’s not like you can pluck a dream out of the sky. I know it takes some people longer to find theirs, but you knew Rachel's from the beginning. How could you have been focused on anywhere but New York? How could you have not figured out a hundred different ways to make it out there, or one way to make it somewhere else by yourself? All you were focused on was hurrying down that aisle as fast as possible.”
“I thought about California but Rachel wouldn’t be happy there.”
“Would you be?”
Finn shrugged. “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t have to be focused on anything right now.”
“It does matter. Your future matters and you have to learn to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop running from it. You have to grow up. It’s going to catch up with you no matter what. You can’t expect anything when you don’t put in any effort. The world doesn’t work like that.”
“Will you please get up?” Finn asked out of the blue again. “Just one dance with me. I don’t care if you love Rachel, ‘kay? And I believe you that nothin’s happened, so it’s... it’s not cool but it is for right now and I get why you like her.”
“Did everything I just say go in one ear and out the other?”
But if Rachel and Quinn weren’t technically together, maybe he still had a chance. Maybe Rachel had been confused and she didn’t have any feelings for her. He could figure out a dream if it meant getting Rachel back. He could figure it out and he wouldn’t have to be alone.
Getting Quinn back on her feet would be the best start he could get.
Finn stood up and put his arm around Quinn's back, carefully pulling her forward again.
“I’m serious, stop it,” Quinn demanded, resisting the force moving her forward. “This isn’t the way to fix things. Rachel doesn’t want to be with you anymore, you have to accept that. You know she did it for both of you.”
“She did it for you!” he argued. “But it doesn’t matter because we can work it out. She’s always wanted me, and maybe I was stupid about it in the past but it doesn’t matter. It’s not like Rachel never made a mistake with me either.”
“If you really believe that, then I feel sorry for you.”
Finn glared at her. One day he would think back to this night and cringe. “Maybe you don’t even want her,” he said. “Maybe you just didn’t want her to graduate high school achieving more than you.”
“You sound more stupid every time you open your mouth.”
“I’m just saying. I mean, you’re not even with her yet. What the hell?”
Quinn remembered the familiar pain between her eyes. Having a serious conversation with Finn almost always had adverse effects on her. “Rachel just ended an engagement and an unhealthy relationship at the same time, the last thing she needs to do is jump headfirst into another relationship without figuring a few things out.”
“And that’s it? That’s the only reason you’re not together?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, as far as I’m concerned. Maybe you should ask Rachel the same question if you’re so sure you can work out all your problems.”
“Ask me what?”
Finn spun around quickly at the sound of Rachel's voice. “Uh...”
“What are you doing over here?” Rachel looked to Quinn. “Did he say anything, because I really-”
“Finn had a lot of things to say. All of them stupid.”
Rachel took to a seat and looked up to him. “If you have something to say to me, sit down. Repeat what you said to Quinn.”
He sighed. “Look, I just think it was the wrong thing to do. We love each other. I can make it in New York, okay? I know it. I’ll do anything. We’ve always worked through our problems in the past, I don’t get why this time has to be any different.”
“What did we ever work through?” she asked, watching Quinn wheel away to the next table where Sam and Mercedes had just sat down for a drink.
“Everything.” Finn scooted his chair closer to Rachel's and held her hand. “I know it wasn’t perfect but we can work on that. We can fix it. I know you really care about Quinn but she’ll be okay.
“We didn’t work through our problems, Finn. We ignored them until we were both drowning.” Rachel pulled her hand out from under his. “I broke up with you because it was the right thing to do and the only reason you came over here was because you're scared, not because you love me or you think you need me. You’re scared because you still don’t have a plan yet, and you know what that makes you?” she said softly. “Selfish.”
“Tell me you don’t love me.”
“Part of me will always love you,” Rachel said, resenting the way his mouth was curving into a smile. “But I’m not in love with you anymore. I think for a long time I loved you like a friend; safe and familiar, and I’m sorry that I didn’t figure it out sooner.”
Finn shook his head, grasping onto her hand. “No, you are. You’ve always been in love with me.”
“It used to feel amazing when you’d hold my hand. But now... Finn, I don’t feel anything. It’s just my friend holding my hand. It’s nice, but that’s it. If you ever loved me, you’ll stop this. I understand that you’re upset but we’re over. You know, you can’t just click your fingers and expect things.”
“But what am I going to do?”
“That’s for you to figure out.”
He slumped back in his seat, never looking up when Rachel said goodbye.
* * *
Finn won Prom King.
He made a brief awkward but thankful speech.
Quinn was sitting on stage in her chair waiting for Principal Figgins announce which of the girls won Queen. It wasn’t the kind of impatience she felt the year before, where her heart had pounded as she’d begged God to please give her that if he never gave her anything else. This year Quinn was just anxious for the announcement to be made so it would be over with and she could move on.
Unlike last year, she knew that she had everything to look forward to.
Quinn didn’t actually hear the announcement. She only figured out that she won because Principal Figgins had turned towards her and people were cheering and clapping.
It was when the crown was placed on her head gently that she smiled and realised that tears had gathered in her eyes. Some of the votes were sympathy, Quinn knew, but she had still never felt so completely accepted by her classmates without even trying. She had never put so little effort into caring what anyone had thought of her and this was how she was being rewarded for that. Total acceptance.
The microphone was lowered and twisted around before it was pushed towards Quinn.
She looked past the lights blinding her and found Rachel grinning at her next to Kurt, who looked relieved at this year’s winner.
“You going to come up here?” Quinn asked.
Rachel pointed to her chest and got a nod in response. It was an odd request but she made her way past her equally as confused classmates until she was standing next to Quinn on stage, quiet as she started speaking.
“I have to be honest, I didn’t expect this.” There was a loud scoff from Santana. It made Quinn laugh. “I didn’t expect this but I am thankful, so to everybody to voted for me, thank you. After this year, it really means a lot to me knowing that you either accept me completely or I still scare the crap out of you. But the person who deserves this most wasn’t even nominated.”
Rachel's heart began to beat wildly when Quinn turned to look at her.
“And I have to thank her most of all because without her support and encouragement and general disregard of anything bitchy I said when I was in therapy with her, I don’t know if I’d be doing this quite so soon.”
When Quinn stood up from her chair there was a second-long moment of silence before the cheer broke out. Thankfully she caught sight of her friends’ faces. Except for Sam, they hadn’t looked as stunned since the time they found out her waters had broken.
Rachel's eyes stung with tears and she felt her lower lip tremble when Quinn walked towards her. The fact that Quinn wanted her on stage beside her so that she could thank her in front of the entire senior class meant more to her than she could say.
When she was standing close enough, Quinn lifted the tiara off her head and placed it onto Rachel's, smiling at the expression of unadulterated shock take over her face.
“Suits you,” Quinn said. And it did. A crown looked perfectly suited on Rachel's head.
People were smiling and clapping for Rachel. People she didn’t even know, people who had bullied her, people who had suddenly realised that they were going to miss almost every single person from their class -at least for now. And she hadn’t had to sing. Rachel hadn’t had to do anything but be herself to gain this kind of reaction. It felt like acceptance.
When Quinn's arms went around her in a hug, there were only two words she could force out before she rushed off stage.
“Bathroom. Now.”
The dance between King and Queen was announced and Quinn didn’t need to think about it before she followed in Rachel's direction, leaving the gym to find the nearest bathroom.
The door to it had barely closed and she had scarce time to register Rachel's face before both sides of hers were grasped, pulled into a long kiss in one swift movement.
It was forceful but still managed to be sweet. It still sent Quinn's heart rate jumping.
“That was the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me,” Rachel said, looking at Quinn like she was so desperate for her to understand what it had meant. What she meant. But it wasn’t enough to simply say it; Rachel wanted to show it now.
Quinn hands flew to her waist as soon as Rachel’s mouth was back against hers and they stumbled backwards until they gently bumped into the door; the solid coolness of it a stark opposite to the soft warmth of Rachel's body pushed against her.
Rachel tried to say a lot of things with each kiss. She was saying sorry that it had taken so long for them to get there, sorry she’d nearly made the biggest mistake of her life which would have taken her away from this moment forever. She was saying that right now she loved every part of Quinn in a way that nobody else could.
And God, Quinn kissed well. The perfect soft pressure and unhurried pace was making Rachel lose her mind and she moaned quietly, sliding her hand to the back of Quinn's neck. Quinn's hands tightened against Rachel's hips in response, kissing her more assertively.
The heightening passion was the starting point for the abandonment she could feel inside. Quinn didn’t have to worry about anything anymore. She didn’t have to worry about herself or her future or Rachel. It was like when she was at her breaking point after her accident. It felt like she’d been trapped inside a room and just as she’d been at her breaking point Rachel had been there, breaking down the wall like it was nothing but paper.
The first graze of Rachel's tongue against Quinn’s neck had vertigo spin the room. Her mouth fell open, a moan vibrating at the back of her throat.
She was pushing back against Rachel. It felt like something she’d be telling her body to do but it wasn’t stopping and she didn’t have any control over it. It was when Rachel’s hand shot out from behind Quinn’s neck to push back against the door that she realised someone was trying to get inside the bathroom.
“Hey!” one of the girls shouted, with an accompanied thump against the door.
Rachel smiled and stole one more kiss before giving Quinn her personal space back.
“Want to go back out there and dance with our friends?”
There was only one thing Quinn wanted to do more, but dancing with her friends was something she’d been dreaming about for months. She walked back to the gym hand in hand with Rachel and was swarmed by her friends as soon as she was spotted.
* * *
Rachel and Quinn both graduated high school single.
They were each other’s and they spent more than a good chunk of the time they were alone kissing but they were taking it slow. They would have the summer together and see if officially starting a relationship right before leaving for college was the right thing to do.
They went to see shows together and Quinn would sometimes sit there and bite her lip trying not to laugh at how atrociously bad both the acting a dialogue were, but then she’d look to the side and see that Rachel was less successful in her efforts and was laughing quietly, holding her hand in front of her mouth so that nobody else could see. They went for walks and were silly with each other. One thing Rachel had learned was that Quinn had an almost dorky sense of humour and said things that made herself laugh more often than they probably should.
They cooked, because as much as she tried not to think about it Rachel would have to resort to cooking cheap and simple meals for herself in the future. She’d have to budget and well, just because she wouldn’t have buckets of money, that didn’t mean she couldn’t make something work. She had to learn to be more creative in the kitchen.
In the not so distant future there would be a top ten weirdest dishes that Rachel Berry had ever made. Quinn would manage a top five list and Rachel would take it as a triumph at her superior level of creativity.
They hung out with their friends while they could but found excuses to leave early to go back to either of their bedrooms, craving the closeness. The extreme physical reaction was new. Rachel used to think that she was one of those girls who took a little extra effort to get wet but each time Quinn's tongue slid against hers and she felt the slow rock of her hips, Rachel was sure liquid fire was running through her veins. It made her want to rip off every item of clothing they both had on.
The first time she could no longer fight the urge to strip off her top, it was met with a smile and darker eyes and then Quinn pulling her own top over her head. Quinn's breath had caught in her throat at the sensation of Rachel's skin against her own, so soft and warm that it turned the gentle fire inside to an inferno. She’d moaned, kissing Rachel harder.
One day they spoke about where they’d keep all of their awards and Quinn was a little disgusted that Rachel would consider keeping an oscar in the bathroom but apparently that was where you had to keep it.
They helped each other pack up their rooms and say goodbye to the friends who were leaving and, without really knowing it, without just thinking of the future as something that was approaching, it was there and it was time for Quinn to leave.
Rachel had spent most of the night before in her bed, kissing and touching her until both of them could breathe again. They’d left marks hoping that it would make them feel better when they were alone, when Quinn was in New Haven and Rachel was in New York, nowhere near each other.
It was an awful morning.
Quinn had barely slept because of last minute nerves and fears about leaving, worrying that she was forgetting something extremely serious that she would need with her, about Rachel. She’d heard her mother up since the early hours and that was it for her too. Judy had just looked sad even though she tried to put on her best front.
Quinn felt better after she’d showered and the luggage had been put in the car, but then Rachel had been knocking at her door and everything felt heavy again.
She was leaving in an hour.
Judy was sniffling in the kitchen and Quinn knew Rachel was crying upstairs.
She hugged her mother first and went upstairs to Rachel a few minutes after. Quinn lay down on her stomach next to Rachel, just looking at her for a moment.
“Why are you crying?” she asked softly. Rachel shook her head. “What, you’re not?”
When Rachel finally worked up the courage to look at Quinn it was like a hand squeezed her heart, only getting worse when the blonde wiped away her tears.
“Stop, okay?” Quinn said. “You're hardly going to have time to miss me. And when you do, there are busses and trains, and when we don't have those we're going to have phones and computers and regular old-fashioned letters. We're going to be two hours apart, Rachel. What were you doing two hours ago?”
“I was... crying in the tub.”
Quinn smiled and brushed some of Rachel's hair out of her eyes. “Does it feel like a long time ago?”
Rachel shook her head. Quinn's hands on her were making her feel better and worse at the same time. “Feels like minutes.”
“Exactly. I'm going to be minutes away.”
Quinn kissed Rachel's face and then her mouth, moving more firmly against her. For a while, they just kissed. Slowly and then urgently, knowing it was going to be one of their last kisses for a long while. When they finally broke apart, Quinn remained where she was, half on top of Rachel, her head had lowered onto her shoulder.
It was after silence had totally surrounded them that Quinn finally said it. “I love you,” right into Rachel's skin.
All hope of keeping her tears at bay had been lost the second Rachel heard it. No-one could feel like this and not burst, could they? She did the only thing that would help and kissed Quinn in just a long press of their lips before making sure she was looking her in the eyes.
“I love you, too.”
Quinn smiled one of those beaming kind of smiles that Rachel could never help but return, and then her fingers were brushing through Rachel's hair. "And I want to thank you, not just for summer but for everything. For never giving up on me. I was so lost after Beth and part of the reason I even dared to dream of a future outside of this town is because of you. I'll never be able to explain how it felt to have you believe in me even when I kept giving you reasons not to."
"God, do you have to do this now?" Rachel cried. Quinn was ripping her heart out.
Quinn smiled and kissed her softly. "I have to."
Rachel sucked in a steadying breath. She a lot of things to thank her for too, so much more than she would be able to say. "I want to thank you too, because without you I never would have had the courage to open my eyes and see that it wasn't right with Finn. You made me remember that all I need to succeed is me, and God, it feels..."
"I know," Quinn assured, leaning in to kiss her again.
“And I want to thank you for being patient with me while I figured things out and found myself again, but I hope I’ve made it perfectly clear over the summer that I want to be with you. I don’t care how hard it’s going to be when we’re apart because you’re right, you’ll be minutes away and we have weekends and holidays.”
“And we have right now,” Quinn said quietly.
It was when Judy shouted up that they had to leave in five minutes that Quinn felt an overwhelming urge to kiss and touch Rachel literally until the second she had to get up off the bed and leave, so that’s what she did. And when her mother shouted up again that it was time to go, she had to force herself not to grip onto Rachel despite how much she wanted to delay her departure.
“I love you,” she whispered, giving Rachel one last kiss as she got up from the bed. “I’m gonna call you and text you all day.” It had been the plan for a while but she didn’t want it to be forgotten.
Rachel nodded.
“And I’m going to see you soon, okay?”
Rachel nodded again, stubbornly trying to keep more tears at bay as Quinn backed towards the door.
Quinn stopped, her face falling. “You have to smile, Rachel. I can’t go if you’re looking at me like that.”
Rachel apologised wordlessly and cleared her throat, mustering up every ounce of fake happiness she had inside of her. It was enough for a small smile. “Be safe, okay?”
Maybe it would have been easier if it was her leaving today instead of tomorrow. She wouldn’t have all day to feel her heart break over and over again.
“I’ll see you soon,” Quinn said, this time not as a question.
Rachel watched her as long as she could but she was never going to be able to watch her walk out the door. Her eyes closed as Quinn turned away from her and even though only one thing had ever felt this bad in her life, Rachel didn’t cry the second the door clicked shut. It was when things were quiet and she could no longer hear the car.
The only comfort was Quinn's pillow, having her scent all around her.
Until her phone beeped and she already had a new text message off her after twenty minutes.
Rachel looked at the clock after two hours and imagined Quinn walking back through the door. Tomorrow when she made the big move herself, it would only be eighty miles separating them instead of hundreds. It would be nothing really.
She could do it. They could both do it.
Because everything had changed and she couldn’t wait to show Quinn all around New York and she couldn’t wait to find out Quinn's favourite parts of New Haven. She couldn’t wait to live her dreams and feel like she was flying knowing that Quinn wouldn’t have to hang off her to be just as high.
Pairing: Rachel/Quinn
Rating: T
Spoilers: Up to 3x20 if I'm remembering correctly.
Authors Note: This was intended to be much shorter than it turned out but then SNG aired and I needed to scrub my brain clean by continuing it and re-writing what I can only dread the rest of the season to be. I began this before Big Brother aired so there are small differences but nothing too major, I don't think. I hope you enjoy this more than Mercedes loves her tots.
Summary: If you asked anyone they would tell you that Quinn hadn't really changed that much at all. Anyone but Rachel Berry. Post OMW.
“Are you scared?”
Quinn was on her bed and she looked away from the laptop to Rachel who was sat at the desk. She smirked. “To start this paper?”
“About college. Leaving this place.”
“What do you think?”
“Well, I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking.”
“Rachel, if you think there’s a single one of us not afraid of leaving for college then you really need to pay more attention to your friends,” Quinn smiled. “Of course I’m scared to go to New Haven.”
Rachel turned around more in her seat, facing the blonde properly. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“Because it would be weird if I wasn’t afraid. I’m scared, terrified even, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m sure you know how that feels. When it’s time to leave and I’m more terrified than I’ve ever been, I also know that it will be one of the happiest days of my life. Once I’m over that fear, the rush and the sense of freedom is going to be amazing. Think about it. Close your eyes and picture yourself in New York.”
Rachel smiled softly. “I don’t have to close my eyes to be able to do that.”
“You have nothing to be scared of. If any of us should be walking around with a blasé attitude about their career, it’s you. If you’re going to make it has never been a question. Your journey towards that is going to be incredible. New York has been waiting for you this whole time, too.”
“Even if... even if I don’t have Finn?”
“Especially if you don’t have Finn,” Quinn said honestly. She looked at Rachel carefully. “Is that something you’re thinking about?”
“I’m thinking about a lot of things.”
Quinn put her laptop on the chair next to her bed. “Do you need a hug?”
Rachel smiled, relieved. “Yes.”
“You’re going to have to come here.”
Her head shook and she used her feet to roll the desk chair closer to Quinn's bed. “You come here.”
“My sticks aren’t here.”
“So? I’m here.”
Rachel held her hands out and patiently waited for Quinn to move to the end of the bed and use the bedpost to pull herself up with. She held on tightly as soon as her hands were grabbed for balance. She was so proud of Quinn, for everything she’d achieved.
And she smiled every time Quinn laughed at her rolling backwards each time they were getting close enough to hug. Quinn was slowly walking across the bedroom after her.
“This was your plan all along, wasn’t it?”
Quinn’s question was met with an innocent shrug and they continued gradually making their way across the room until Rachel backed into the wall. Quinn looked down to her with a confident arch of her brow. She felt exhilarated after making it so far without any aid but Rachel’s. “Where are you gonna go now?”
Rachel just grinned and got to her feet, careful to let go of only one of Quinn's hands at a time before they were hugging. A frown pulled her brows and she adjusted her head on Quinn's shoulder to be closer. Her eyes closed. This was how it was supposed to be. It was ridiculous that people had ever considered them to be enemies. Maybe they hadn’t always been friends but they’d always been something, always been connected to each other in some way.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah.”
“How does it feel for you, you know, hugging me and being close to me?” Rachel asked.
“I can’t answer that.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s not fair,” Quinn answered softly. “It’ll get messy if we start with that.”
“I think it’s going to be messy whatever I do,” Rachel said. “It’s just that- well, you’ve been guarded with that stuff. It makes me wonder if it feels any different to how I feel.”
“Ask me another time, okay?” she said, slow pulling back. It wasn’t exactly a subtle indication to the day Rachel ended things with Finn. Quinn couldn’t start telling Rachel about the way she made her feel. If she started, she’d never be able to stop and she’d got pregnant and contracted mono when she’d cheated in the past. God knows what would become of her if she cheated a third time. She was already in a wheelchair. Less and less these days but still.
It was for the best, Rachel supposed, but now that Quinn being in love with her wasn’t a characteristic of an alternate reality, Rachel wanted to know all of those things. She wanted to know how she made Quinn feel, how she thought about her and imagined their relationship in the future. Rachel wanted to know how Quinn kissed and how she’d be touched by her.
She wanted to know everything and it was awful because she was engaged and Finn was under the impression that everything was perfect again.
Spotting the teddy she’d given Quinn at the hospital lying on the floor next to her bed made Rachel feel like she was going to cry.
* * *
Finn had asked Rachel if she wanted to go bowling almost as soon as she’d come over. She declined because they had things to talk about instead of goofing off. She was guilty of it sometimes too but it had to stop. If Quinn's accident had taught her anything it was that it could all end in a second. And she wouldn’t be content with things as they currently stood anymore.
She was sat cross-legged on Finn’s bed, looking at him across the room as he searched for a picture of the tux he was wearing to Prom.
“I swear it’s around here somewhere.”
He was wearing jeans and a striped polo shirt and it was so completely him that it made Rachel swallow a lump in her throat. The way he was moving around, how he didn’t put things back as they were when he rummaged inside in a drawer was so familiar to watch.
She was terrified of going to New York without him but would it be fair to go knowing that the main reason they stayed together was to have someone to cling to?
Could she do that to another person? Could she let herself be used like that in return?
“Finn, have you been thinking about New York?”
“Yeah,” he said distractedly.
“Did you finish your list, you know, of what you’re going to take?”
“Not yet.” Finn turned around then and saw the disappointment on Rachel's face. “But I’m on it soon, I swear.”
“It’s going to be a small place. It can’t be anymore cluttered than it has to be.” She looked around to his bedroom and there was no sign that he was leaving soon. No sign that he was excited to be leaving soon.
“I know,” Finn said. He’d heard this a hundred times before. His memory wasn’t that bad.
“If you know, why aren’t you thinking about it?” Rachel asked. “Why do I always have to be the one to bring it up and look like I’m nagging?”
“Let’s not fight, okay. I’ll finish the list.”
“But it should have been finished a long time ago. You should be excited to organise this with me. You haven’t even asked what I’m taking.”
“I am excited to organise,” he said, walking closer to the bed.
It wasn’t exactly a compelling argument and Rachel's head shook. “You’re not. I don't know that you ever have been excited about New York.”
Finn's face shifted to serious. “I'm excited, okay? As long as you're excited about the city, so am I.”
She sat forward and put her hand to her chest. “As long as I'm excited? Finn, as long as I'm excited?”
He recoiled at the glare. “Whoa.”
“You don't want to go with me.”
“God, I do!” he yelled. Why wasn’t she dropping it?
“No, you don't,” Rachel countered. “You don't care where we are as long as we're together.” He didn't say anything to that. “Even if it's California, where you know I'd be dead inside. I mean, do you get that? Do you understand that I'm not made for anywhere but New York?”
“I know that,” he grumbled.
“But you still asked me to think about California with you after thinking about it for five minutes. You thought about what you would do and what I would do, even if it is the opposite of the work that you know I want right now.”
“I shouldn't have asked you to do that. It was stupid. I don’t even want to go there anymore.”
“Yes, it was. But it was enthusiasm. You were planning, thinking about the future.”
“Stop. Right now.”
“But don't you see where this is headed?” Rachel looked as dejected as she sounded.
“It's headed to a church, Rachel,” Finn stated. “We’re gonna work this out.”
“No,” she rejected strongly. Rachel closed her eyes once her brain caught up. “No.”
Finn swallowed nervously and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Rach... whatever you're thinking right now- I'll write the list. I'll do it right now.”
“Please don't.”
Finn's face twisted and he began to raise his voice. “God, what do you want? No matter what I do, it's never enough.”
“We don't want the same things!” Rachel replied, tears springing to her eyes as soon as she said it out loud. “God, Finn, I'm so sorry but we don't. You don't want anything to do with the work that I'll be doing or the people that I will constantly be around. How can we be together when one of us will always be miserable no matter what we do?” She wiped some of her tears away. “You deserve more than that, and so do I. I deserve to be proposed to when it isn't a last resort and you deserve to marry someone who is sure- who is so sure about you and your future together. That person isn’t me.”
Finn was looking at Rachel bitterly, shaking his head as a physical rejection of this conversation. But he couldn’t ignore it because he was staring at Rachel and she looked heartbroken that things had got so far out of control.
“And you've just figured out all of this by yourself? Nobody put that idea in your head, like, say, Quinn?”
The truth was, Rachel hadn’t thought about Quinn once. She may have given her the confidence to consider it but this was all her. She needed to do it, for herself and for Finn. One day he would be grateful.
“Don't bring her into this, okay. She has no idea this is happening right now.”
“No, let's. In fact, why don't you put her on Face Time and we can all talk about this.”
“You're blaming her for your actions. You can't do that.”
The muscle in Finn’s cheek clenched. “So none of this is about Quinn, the way you never shut up about her?”
Rachel thought about what she was about to do very carefully and then slowly worked the engagement ring off her finger. She placed it on the night stand.
“I'm doing this for us, Finn,” she said. “Things have been different between us for a long time and you can't honestly tell me that part of you isn't relieved right now. You get to find your dreams and I get to follow mine. We can both be happy.”
“She's in love with you.”
Rachel would never have been able to act ignorant to that. She couldn't pretend to be oblivious when it was cause of such an extreme reaction inside. “I know,” she admitted.
Finn frowned at her response, blinking tears out of his eyes. This was it. “Do you love her back?” He regretted asking as soon as it left his lips. “Wait, don't answer that. Don't say anything.”
She touched his arm as a comforting gesture but wasn’t surprised when he pulled away. It would be horrible to say it now when everything was so raw but she still wanted him in her life. They could be friends. She hoped.
* * *
Rachel cried on and off for two days. Her fathers had comforted her and told her everything she needed to hear but she saw a look of relief cross over both of their faces when she told them what had happened.
Why didn’t they just tell her that marrying Finn was the wrong thing to do?
She wondered if the dinner party they threw in honour of her and Finn’s engagement was nothing but an attempt at reverse psychology. Her and Finn did fight most of that night. It was probably what her parents were hoping for all along.
Rachel decided not to tell anyone else yet.
Kurt knew, just because he lived with Finn. But aside from both of their parents, news hadn’t broken to the rest of their friends or the school yet. She supposed Finn didn’t want it broadcast when he was still so hurt.
Rachel couldn’t tell Quinn about it because it wouldn’t be fair. Quinn would comfort her and then she would get too caught up. Ending things with Finn was ending the unhealthy cycle she knew she had where she gave too much of herself away with nothing in return. She wasn’t going to do that with Quinn. She knew she didn’t have to. Rachel was going to take the time to find herself again after being buried for so long. She was going to take a deep, shuddering breath and experience the fear and then the rush and sense of freedom of being in New York all by herself. And then she would call Quinn and tell her all about it.
Because Quinn was right, she could do New York. She could do anything she wanted and she would never be lonely because she would always have music and friends and people who loved her. Music had always cured her loneliness. Always would.
* * *
Rachel had accepted what had happened between her and Finn fairly quickly and now she had more time on her hands. When she wasn’t going over (and over) her future living and financial arrangements with her fathers, she was dreaming of every little thing she was going to do in New York and every stage she was going to own simply by being on it. And when she wasn’t doing that, Rachel was thinking about Quinn.
They were watching a movie in Rachel's room now.
She was staring at Quinn’s mouth like she was contemplating grabbing her by the face and pushing her down against the mattress, kissing her until it was time to leave for New York. She could do that, right? Rachel swallowed at the thought of it.
Quinn laughed when she looked at her. “You look so serious.”
“Do I?” She didn’t really feel serious when Quinn was on her bed.
“Please tell me you’re not trying to figure out the ending. Save your brain cells.”
“Oh, no.” Rachel shook her head. She couldn’t care less about that.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Kissing you,” she said, watching Quinn's eyebrows shot up at the admission.
“Oh.”
Rachel licked her lips. “I imagine it to be an incredibly pleasurable experience, so.”
Quinn blinked. Her mouth twisted into a smile and she leaned forward in a slow nod, processing what Rachel had candidly blurted out and what she wanted to do in response to that. She figured it out pretty quickly but it wasn’t like she could just grab Rachel by the face and kiss her until they had to leave for college. There was Finn to think about, she internally groaned.
“It is,” she shrugged.
“I’ve also never had any complaints.”
“Great.”
Rachel leaned to the side and let her forehead fall against Quinn's shoulder. “Quinn,” she whined.
Quinn lifted her arm not long after, inviting Rachel closer where she settled contentedly. Well, almost. Less than half a minute passed when Rachel looked up and leaned forward, delivering a simple, sweet kiss to her cheek. It was by no means enough but it would do for now, especially if it was reason for one of Quinn's beaming smiles as she tried to keep her eyes on the TV.
It was a little while later when Quinn was thinking that she’d kill Finn if the tables were turned and he ever sat with Rachel like this. For starters, she’d hit him over the head so many times that he’d be shorter than Rachel.
“Rach-”
“I broke up with Finn.”
It was wishful thinking, right? Her imagination was playing tricks on her. What a bitch. “What?”
Rachel looked up. “Last week.”
Not her imagination. Quinn was momentarily stuck for words. “For you?”
“For me, for him,” Rachel said as Quinn pulled on her arm until it was comfortably draped over her stomach.
“Are you okay?”
“It was the right thing to do, so, yeah, I think I am.” Rachel said. She smiled after a few seconds. “Are you? You look dazed. Are you going into shock? I can get you a blanket.”
Rachel’s hand was pressed against Quinn's face, gauging her body temperature when she laughed. “I think I am.”
“Going into shock?”
“Yeah.”
“I think you’ll be okay,” Rachel said.
Quinn was fairly certain that she was in some sort of shocked state but if Rachel thought she’d be okay, she probably would be. Her fingers stroked over Rachel's arm. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Are you proud of yourself?”
“I think I will be more when I’m in New York, when I’ve done it.”
“You’re almost there,” Quinn said, watching Rachel smile.
“I am, aren’t I?”
* * *
Getting into the habit of using her crutches when she was at home came easily to Quinn now. She was getting faster. She could feel an improvement almost every day and working her legs would only help strengthen them back to full potential.
She’d been in the dance studio after school with Rachel four times in the past two weeks, per her request. She didn’t expect Rachel to join her every time but of course she was looked at like antlers were coming out of her head for suggesting that Rachel could be elsewhere.
Rachel wouldn’t take no for an answer anymore when she asked if they could play music, so it was played. It was upbeat, happy. It made Quinn want to dance and she had a sneaky suspicion that Rachel's intentions hadn’t strayed too far away from that.
Every time they used the barres for support Quinn felt more and more confident. It was getting so much easier that halfway through their second session she told Rachel to take away one of the barres. Halfway through the third they took away any kind of support -besides Rachel's hands ready to shoot out and grab hold- and Quinn spent the time walking, using her legs properly.
And it was halfway through their fourth session that she stopped trying to fight the urge to dance and got it out of her system the best she could, with Rachel right there with her too.
It was goofy and silly, whichever way their bodies wanted to move.
Exhilarated and alive didn’t begin to describe how Quinn felt letting go and dancing, to laugh and be carefree knowing that she was over the worst of it. She was in the last round of her recovery and she was going to win, you could bet on it.
It didn’t even matter when her legs suddenly felt weak and Rachel jumped forward to steady her. Quinn was walking more and more and now she could add dancing to that list. She would be on the stage with her friends at Nationals.
* * *
Senior Prom.
Quinn used to never think about anything else.
She would be crowned Queen and Finn would be crowned King and she would get everything she ever wanted out of high school. It didn’t matter if she stayed in Lima with him after that if she had that title. It didn’t matter what happened after graduating high school as long as she had that validation.
It was like a different person now.
Quinn cared about her future and she had created a better one for herself than a housewife in Lima, Ohio. A lot of women would be content with that life but she wanted more than that and she deserved more than that.
One thing Quinn never imagined was attending her senior Prom stag. Even more inconceivable to her former self would be that she would attend her senior Prom stag and be content about it. She had come a long way and there would be nobody challenging her on that.
She went with Rachel and there were blushes and awed compliments from both of them when they finally saw each other, but they didn’t go as a couple.
Most of the seniors of the Glee club were on the dance floor making everyone else look stupid. Quinn was comfortable at a table sipping punch and smiling at them when she found something to be cute or funny or just lovely to watch. She loved all of them and saying goodbye would be hard.
Quinn was focused on Rachel, hating anyone who got in her line of sight. She had no doubts of her ever looking any different but she thought Rachel looked beautiful in her dress. Beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, just like always.
Someone sat down next to her and she could tell if she was surprised or if she’d been expecting him.
Finn looked at Quinn with a confused frown, like he couldn’t quite work something out. “Hey,” he said, a little warily.
“Hey.”
“You look nice.”
She smiled politely, on some level glad he thought so. “You always seem to scrub up well, too,” Quinn said. It was obvious he was struggling with something because he looked tense, like he was going to burst if he didn’t get it out. She tried not to grimace. “So...”
“Why are you still in that chair?”
Quinn frowned defensively. “Uh, well, actually-”
“I mean, you’ve been having therapy for months, right? And Rachel's been helping you forever. Shouldn’t you be walking by now?”
“Okay,” she started slowly, “if you’re going to be that guy, you know where you can go.”
“I’m not trying to be a jerk.”
“Natural gift?”
Finn’s hand moved closer to hers on top of the table. “I just really need you to get up and walk. I know you can do it.”
Quinn was in her chair but that didn’t mean she was planning on staying in it for the entire night. It was going to be a surprise for her friends after they announced Prom King and Queen, whatever the outcome. She was going to dance with all of them, and afterwards she would walk out of the gym.
“It’s none of your business what I can or can’t do,” she said. “Me being in this chair affects one person: me.”
“No, I need you to get up. Please, Quinn.” Finn looked at her with the same frown but he didn’t look confused anymore, he looked serious. “Everyone’s acting normal, you know, like nothing changed after your accident. But everything did. Everything is different and I thought it would go away once you stopped ignoring Rachel but it didn’t. She still feels so guilty and I know that once you’re out of that chair and back on your feet that everything’s gonna go back to how it was.”
Quinn sat back in her chair, eyeing him guardedly. “She’ll always feel guilty. Being out of this chair will never change that.”
“But it’ll be a start.” He got to his feet and pulled her chair around to face him better before he leaned down and put his arm around her back. “I’ll help you, okay? We’ll get you up and I won’t let go of your hands.”
There was no mistaking Quinn's low, threatening tone. “Get off me.”
Finn did as she said but looked twice as frustrated. Maybe that had been a stupid idea. He sat down quickly, rubbing his hands over his head. “How could you do this to me?”
“Do what?”
“Don’t do that, all right? You know what I’m talking about.”
“No, actually, I don’t. You want to tell me?”
“You love Rachel,” he said. “You think I wouldn’t notice the way you always look at her or the way you act around her?”
“And you think I have a choice in how I feel?”
He shrugged. “You didn’t have to be so obvious. You knew she was engaged to me every time you felt like that. It’s like you didn’t learn your lesson about cheating. I mean, do you seriously need me to tell you how bad it is that-”
“Oh, I learned plenty of lessons when I was with you, Finn,” Quinn said. “And you are not in a position to preach or lecture me, so don’t start. I haven’t made Rachel do anything. We haven’t cheated. Technically we’re not even together yet and we haven’t done anything wrong. Not that you know the difference anymore.”
“No?”
“No. Asking her to marry you was the worst thing you’ve ever done, do you know that?”
“I love her.”
“Okay,” Quinn said. “But you were trapping her. You didn’t prepare for it and you didn’t do anything to handle it afterwards. It’s not like you can pluck a dream out of the sky. I know it takes some people longer to find theirs, but you knew Rachel's from the beginning. How could you have been focused on anywhere but New York? How could you have not figured out a hundred different ways to make it out there, or one way to make it somewhere else by yourself? All you were focused on was hurrying down that aisle as fast as possible.”
“I thought about California but Rachel wouldn’t be happy there.”
“Would you be?”
Finn shrugged. “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t have to be focused on anything right now.”
“It does matter. Your future matters and you have to learn to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop running from it. You have to grow up. It’s going to catch up with you no matter what. You can’t expect anything when you don’t put in any effort. The world doesn’t work like that.”
“Will you please get up?” Finn asked out of the blue again. “Just one dance with me. I don’t care if you love Rachel, ‘kay? And I believe you that nothin’s happened, so it’s... it’s not cool but it is for right now and I get why you like her.”
“Did everything I just say go in one ear and out the other?”
But if Rachel and Quinn weren’t technically together, maybe he still had a chance. Maybe Rachel had been confused and she didn’t have any feelings for her. He could figure out a dream if it meant getting Rachel back. He could figure it out and he wouldn’t have to be alone.
Getting Quinn back on her feet would be the best start he could get.
Finn stood up and put his arm around Quinn's back, carefully pulling her forward again.
“I’m serious, stop it,” Quinn demanded, resisting the force moving her forward. “This isn’t the way to fix things. Rachel doesn’t want to be with you anymore, you have to accept that. You know she did it for both of you.”
“She did it for you!” he argued. “But it doesn’t matter because we can work it out. She’s always wanted me, and maybe I was stupid about it in the past but it doesn’t matter. It’s not like Rachel never made a mistake with me either.”
“If you really believe that, then I feel sorry for you.”
Finn glared at her. One day he would think back to this night and cringe. “Maybe you don’t even want her,” he said. “Maybe you just didn’t want her to graduate high school achieving more than you.”
“You sound more stupid every time you open your mouth.”
“I’m just saying. I mean, you’re not even with her yet. What the hell?”
Quinn remembered the familiar pain between her eyes. Having a serious conversation with Finn almost always had adverse effects on her. “Rachel just ended an engagement and an unhealthy relationship at the same time, the last thing she needs to do is jump headfirst into another relationship without figuring a few things out.”
“And that’s it? That’s the only reason you’re not together?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, as far as I’m concerned. Maybe you should ask Rachel the same question if you’re so sure you can work out all your problems.”
“Ask me what?”
Finn spun around quickly at the sound of Rachel's voice. “Uh...”
“What are you doing over here?” Rachel looked to Quinn. “Did he say anything, because I really-”
“Finn had a lot of things to say. All of them stupid.”
Rachel took to a seat and looked up to him. “If you have something to say to me, sit down. Repeat what you said to Quinn.”
He sighed. “Look, I just think it was the wrong thing to do. We love each other. I can make it in New York, okay? I know it. I’ll do anything. We’ve always worked through our problems in the past, I don’t get why this time has to be any different.”
“What did we ever work through?” she asked, watching Quinn wheel away to the next table where Sam and Mercedes had just sat down for a drink.
“Everything.” Finn scooted his chair closer to Rachel's and held her hand. “I know it wasn’t perfect but we can work on that. We can fix it. I know you really care about Quinn but she’ll be okay.
“We didn’t work through our problems, Finn. We ignored them until we were both drowning.” Rachel pulled her hand out from under his. “I broke up with you because it was the right thing to do and the only reason you came over here was because you're scared, not because you love me or you think you need me. You’re scared because you still don’t have a plan yet, and you know what that makes you?” she said softly. “Selfish.”
“Tell me you don’t love me.”
“Part of me will always love you,” Rachel said, resenting the way his mouth was curving into a smile. “But I’m not in love with you anymore. I think for a long time I loved you like a friend; safe and familiar, and I’m sorry that I didn’t figure it out sooner.”
Finn shook his head, grasping onto her hand. “No, you are. You’ve always been in love with me.”
“It used to feel amazing when you’d hold my hand. But now... Finn, I don’t feel anything. It’s just my friend holding my hand. It’s nice, but that’s it. If you ever loved me, you’ll stop this. I understand that you’re upset but we’re over. You know, you can’t just click your fingers and expect things.”
“But what am I going to do?”
“That’s for you to figure out.”
He slumped back in his seat, never looking up when Rachel said goodbye.
* * *
Finn won Prom King.
He made a brief awkward but thankful speech.
Quinn was sitting on stage in her chair waiting for Principal Figgins announce which of the girls won Queen. It wasn’t the kind of impatience she felt the year before, where her heart had pounded as she’d begged God to please give her that if he never gave her anything else. This year Quinn was just anxious for the announcement to be made so it would be over with and she could move on.
Unlike last year, she knew that she had everything to look forward to.
Quinn didn’t actually hear the announcement. She only figured out that she won because Principal Figgins had turned towards her and people were cheering and clapping.
It was when the crown was placed on her head gently that she smiled and realised that tears had gathered in her eyes. Some of the votes were sympathy, Quinn knew, but she had still never felt so completely accepted by her classmates without even trying. She had never put so little effort into caring what anyone had thought of her and this was how she was being rewarded for that. Total acceptance.
The microphone was lowered and twisted around before it was pushed towards Quinn.
She looked past the lights blinding her and found Rachel grinning at her next to Kurt, who looked relieved at this year’s winner.
“You going to come up here?” Quinn asked.
Rachel pointed to her chest and got a nod in response. It was an odd request but she made her way past her equally as confused classmates until she was standing next to Quinn on stage, quiet as she started speaking.
“I have to be honest, I didn’t expect this.” There was a loud scoff from Santana. It made Quinn laugh. “I didn’t expect this but I am thankful, so to everybody to voted for me, thank you. After this year, it really means a lot to me knowing that you either accept me completely or I still scare the crap out of you. But the person who deserves this most wasn’t even nominated.”
Rachel's heart began to beat wildly when Quinn turned to look at her.
“And I have to thank her most of all because without her support and encouragement and general disregard of anything bitchy I said when I was in therapy with her, I don’t know if I’d be doing this quite so soon.”
When Quinn stood up from her chair there was a second-long moment of silence before the cheer broke out. Thankfully she caught sight of her friends’ faces. Except for Sam, they hadn’t looked as stunned since the time they found out her waters had broken.
Rachel's eyes stung with tears and she felt her lower lip tremble when Quinn walked towards her. The fact that Quinn wanted her on stage beside her so that she could thank her in front of the entire senior class meant more to her than she could say.
When she was standing close enough, Quinn lifted the tiara off her head and placed it onto Rachel's, smiling at the expression of unadulterated shock take over her face.
“Suits you,” Quinn said. And it did. A crown looked perfectly suited on Rachel's head.
People were smiling and clapping for Rachel. People she didn’t even know, people who had bullied her, people who had suddenly realised that they were going to miss almost every single person from their class -at least for now. And she hadn’t had to sing. Rachel hadn’t had to do anything but be herself to gain this kind of reaction. It felt like acceptance.
When Quinn's arms went around her in a hug, there were only two words she could force out before she rushed off stage.
“Bathroom. Now.”
The dance between King and Queen was announced and Quinn didn’t need to think about it before she followed in Rachel's direction, leaving the gym to find the nearest bathroom.
The door to it had barely closed and she had scarce time to register Rachel's face before both sides of hers were grasped, pulled into a long kiss in one swift movement.
It was forceful but still managed to be sweet. It still sent Quinn's heart rate jumping.
“That was the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me,” Rachel said, looking at Quinn like she was so desperate for her to understand what it had meant. What she meant. But it wasn’t enough to simply say it; Rachel wanted to show it now.
Quinn hands flew to her waist as soon as Rachel’s mouth was back against hers and they stumbled backwards until they gently bumped into the door; the solid coolness of it a stark opposite to the soft warmth of Rachel's body pushed against her.
Rachel tried to say a lot of things with each kiss. She was saying sorry that it had taken so long for them to get there, sorry she’d nearly made the biggest mistake of her life which would have taken her away from this moment forever. She was saying that right now she loved every part of Quinn in a way that nobody else could.
And God, Quinn kissed well. The perfect soft pressure and unhurried pace was making Rachel lose her mind and she moaned quietly, sliding her hand to the back of Quinn's neck. Quinn's hands tightened against Rachel's hips in response, kissing her more assertively.
The heightening passion was the starting point for the abandonment she could feel inside. Quinn didn’t have to worry about anything anymore. She didn’t have to worry about herself or her future or Rachel. It was like when she was at her breaking point after her accident. It felt like she’d been trapped inside a room and just as she’d been at her breaking point Rachel had been there, breaking down the wall like it was nothing but paper.
The first graze of Rachel's tongue against Quinn’s neck had vertigo spin the room. Her mouth fell open, a moan vibrating at the back of her throat.
She was pushing back against Rachel. It felt like something she’d be telling her body to do but it wasn’t stopping and she didn’t have any control over it. It was when Rachel’s hand shot out from behind Quinn’s neck to push back against the door that she realised someone was trying to get inside the bathroom.
“Hey!” one of the girls shouted, with an accompanied thump against the door.
Rachel smiled and stole one more kiss before giving Quinn her personal space back.
“Want to go back out there and dance with our friends?”
There was only one thing Quinn wanted to do more, but dancing with her friends was something she’d been dreaming about for months. She walked back to the gym hand in hand with Rachel and was swarmed by her friends as soon as she was spotted.
* * *
Rachel and Quinn both graduated high school single.
They were each other’s and they spent more than a good chunk of the time they were alone kissing but they were taking it slow. They would have the summer together and see if officially starting a relationship right before leaving for college was the right thing to do.
They went to see shows together and Quinn would sometimes sit there and bite her lip trying not to laugh at how atrociously bad both the acting a dialogue were, but then she’d look to the side and see that Rachel was less successful in her efforts and was laughing quietly, holding her hand in front of her mouth so that nobody else could see. They went for walks and were silly with each other. One thing Rachel had learned was that Quinn had an almost dorky sense of humour and said things that made herself laugh more often than they probably should.
They cooked, because as much as she tried not to think about it Rachel would have to resort to cooking cheap and simple meals for herself in the future. She’d have to budget and well, just because she wouldn’t have buckets of money, that didn’t mean she couldn’t make something work. She had to learn to be more creative in the kitchen.
In the not so distant future there would be a top ten weirdest dishes that Rachel Berry had ever made. Quinn would manage a top five list and Rachel would take it as a triumph at her superior level of creativity.
They hung out with their friends while they could but found excuses to leave early to go back to either of their bedrooms, craving the closeness. The extreme physical reaction was new. Rachel used to think that she was one of those girls who took a little extra effort to get wet but each time Quinn's tongue slid against hers and she felt the slow rock of her hips, Rachel was sure liquid fire was running through her veins. It made her want to rip off every item of clothing they both had on.
The first time she could no longer fight the urge to strip off her top, it was met with a smile and darker eyes and then Quinn pulling her own top over her head. Quinn's breath had caught in her throat at the sensation of Rachel's skin against her own, so soft and warm that it turned the gentle fire inside to an inferno. She’d moaned, kissing Rachel harder.
One day they spoke about where they’d keep all of their awards and Quinn was a little disgusted that Rachel would consider keeping an oscar in the bathroom but apparently that was where you had to keep it.
They helped each other pack up their rooms and say goodbye to the friends who were leaving and, without really knowing it, without just thinking of the future as something that was approaching, it was there and it was time for Quinn to leave.
Rachel had spent most of the night before in her bed, kissing and touching her until both of them could breathe again. They’d left marks hoping that it would make them feel better when they were alone, when Quinn was in New Haven and Rachel was in New York, nowhere near each other.
It was an awful morning.
Quinn had barely slept because of last minute nerves and fears about leaving, worrying that she was forgetting something extremely serious that she would need with her, about Rachel. She’d heard her mother up since the early hours and that was it for her too. Judy had just looked sad even though she tried to put on her best front.
Quinn felt better after she’d showered and the luggage had been put in the car, but then Rachel had been knocking at her door and everything felt heavy again.
She was leaving in an hour.
Judy was sniffling in the kitchen and Quinn knew Rachel was crying upstairs.
She hugged her mother first and went upstairs to Rachel a few minutes after. Quinn lay down on her stomach next to Rachel, just looking at her for a moment.
“Why are you crying?” she asked softly. Rachel shook her head. “What, you’re not?”
When Rachel finally worked up the courage to look at Quinn it was like a hand squeezed her heart, only getting worse when the blonde wiped away her tears.
“Stop, okay?” Quinn said. “You're hardly going to have time to miss me. And when you do, there are busses and trains, and when we don't have those we're going to have phones and computers and regular old-fashioned letters. We're going to be two hours apart, Rachel. What were you doing two hours ago?”
“I was... crying in the tub.”
Quinn smiled and brushed some of Rachel's hair out of her eyes. “Does it feel like a long time ago?”
Rachel shook her head. Quinn's hands on her were making her feel better and worse at the same time. “Feels like minutes.”
“Exactly. I'm going to be minutes away.”
Quinn kissed Rachel's face and then her mouth, moving more firmly against her. For a while, they just kissed. Slowly and then urgently, knowing it was going to be one of their last kisses for a long while. When they finally broke apart, Quinn remained where she was, half on top of Rachel, her head had lowered onto her shoulder.
It was after silence had totally surrounded them that Quinn finally said it. “I love you,” right into Rachel's skin.
All hope of keeping her tears at bay had been lost the second Rachel heard it. No-one could feel like this and not burst, could they? She did the only thing that would help and kissed Quinn in just a long press of their lips before making sure she was looking her in the eyes.
“I love you, too.”
Quinn smiled one of those beaming kind of smiles that Rachel could never help but return, and then her fingers were brushing through Rachel's hair. "And I want to thank you, not just for summer but for everything. For never giving up on me. I was so lost after Beth and part of the reason I even dared to dream of a future outside of this town is because of you. I'll never be able to explain how it felt to have you believe in me even when I kept giving you reasons not to."
"God, do you have to do this now?" Rachel cried. Quinn was ripping her heart out.
Quinn smiled and kissed her softly. "I have to."
Rachel sucked in a steadying breath. She a lot of things to thank her for too, so much more than she would be able to say. "I want to thank you too, because without you I never would have had the courage to open my eyes and see that it wasn't right with Finn. You made me remember that all I need to succeed is me, and God, it feels..."
"I know," Quinn assured, leaning in to kiss her again.
“And I want to thank you for being patient with me while I figured things out and found myself again, but I hope I’ve made it perfectly clear over the summer that I want to be with you. I don’t care how hard it’s going to be when we’re apart because you’re right, you’ll be minutes away and we have weekends and holidays.”
“And we have right now,” Quinn said quietly.
It was when Judy shouted up that they had to leave in five minutes that Quinn felt an overwhelming urge to kiss and touch Rachel literally until the second she had to get up off the bed and leave, so that’s what she did. And when her mother shouted up again that it was time to go, she had to force herself not to grip onto Rachel despite how much she wanted to delay her departure.
“I love you,” she whispered, giving Rachel one last kiss as she got up from the bed. “I’m gonna call you and text you all day.” It had been the plan for a while but she didn’t want it to be forgotten.
Rachel nodded.
“And I’m going to see you soon, okay?”
Rachel nodded again, stubbornly trying to keep more tears at bay as Quinn backed towards the door.
Quinn stopped, her face falling. “You have to smile, Rachel. I can’t go if you’re looking at me like that.”
Rachel apologised wordlessly and cleared her throat, mustering up every ounce of fake happiness she had inside of her. It was enough for a small smile. “Be safe, okay?”
Maybe it would have been easier if it was her leaving today instead of tomorrow. She wouldn’t have all day to feel her heart break over and over again.
“I’ll see you soon,” Quinn said, this time not as a question.
Rachel watched her as long as she could but she was never going to be able to watch her walk out the door. Her eyes closed as Quinn turned away from her and even though only one thing had ever felt this bad in her life, Rachel didn’t cry the second the door clicked shut. It was when things were quiet and she could no longer hear the car.
The only comfort was Quinn's pillow, having her scent all around her.
Until her phone beeped and she already had a new text message off her after twenty minutes.
Rachel looked at the clock after two hours and imagined Quinn walking back through the door. Tomorrow when she made the big move herself, it would only be eighty miles separating them instead of hundreds. It would be nothing really.
She could do it. They could both do it.
Because everything had changed and she couldn’t wait to show Quinn all around New York and she couldn’t wait to find out Quinn's favourite parts of New Haven. She couldn’t wait to live her dreams and feel like she was flying knowing that Quinn wouldn’t have to hang off her to be just as high.