Boats in the Sky (3/4)
Title: Boats in the Sky
Pairing: Rachel/Quinn
Rating: M
Spoilers: 3x08
Authors Note: This is just my imagining of Faberry in college without a certain person around to control and poison people around him.
Summary: The lines couldn’t blur with Rachel. They hadn’t. Quinn would close her eyes and think that it was just like the times she was on vacation and see the boats so far in the distance that they looked like they were in the sky. It was impossible. Nothing more than a trick of the mind.
This chapter was the smallest out of them all. The next and final one will be split into two parts as usual.
A month passed before anyone knew it.
“How are your classes, sweetie? Are you learning anything?”
Quinn had been studying in the library when her phone rang on Thursday evening. She exhaled deeply when she heard the ice clinking in her mother’s glass. “They’re good.”
“You’re so lucky to be there.”
Quinn knew how fortunate she was to attend Yale. The way the entire experience had shaped the person she was now would never be lost on her. “I know. I can’t imagine going to college anywhere else.”
“You’re doing so well for yourself,” Judy commented proudly. “I only wish you’d put some more effort into finding a church that you liked. Your life could be so much fuller if you let it.”
Her mother’s voice repeated inside her head and Quinn kept her voice quiet because she didn’t want to direct any unwanted attention to herself. “My life is full, mom.”
“Oh, you know what I mean.”
“Yes, I do. I can tell you right now that my life is fuller than it’s ever been. I’m happy, with myself and my friends and my life. I love being anywhere that isn’t that stupid town. I can be whoever I want to be here and nobody cares. They have better things to talk about than each other.”
Well, most of the time.
Judy’s ice clinked again. “You’re not turning into one of those pot heads, are you? I remember that silly little phase in your senior year of high school.”
“No,” Quinn gritted out.
“Did you hear about your sister?”
“What about her?”
“Well, I just might be a grandmother someday soon.”
Quinn didn’t take that personally, nor the fact that her sister hadn’t at least e-mailed her to let her know. They weren’t close but trying to add another member to that family needed lots of time to adjust to. Perhaps Judy had the right idea with that drink. “That’s...”
“It’s wonderful. Isn’t it wonderful?”
“Yeah,” Quinn agreed flatly. It was the best news she’d heard all fucking day.
“You know, there’s no reason you wouldn’t catch up quickly if you’d meet someone and get serious,” Judy said. “You shouldn’t be so shy, Quinnie. You could have any man you want.”
It was always a competition. Always had been and always would be.
“Do you remember Beth?” Quinn asked bitingly. She glanced around and lowered her voice. “She was my baby. I don’t need or want another one any time soon.”
“Of course I remember her. I’m sorry, I-”
“Do you think I’d throw away Yale because of a guy? Because of anyone?”
“I didn’t mean it that way.” Judy’s voice was calm the way only a gin and tonic made it. “You’ve always done things at your own pace, honey. I know that.”
“And I will continue to.”
Judy was quiet for a moment. She didn’t even take another sip of her drink. “You’ve never spoken to me like this.”
“I’m sorry,” Quinn apologised softly, disappointed in herself that she let her mother get to her that way. She could usually control herself better than that. “But I’m not a school girl anymore. There are no flyers around here for a Chastity Ball.”
“But there are gentlemen there.”
Quinn didn’t know if that was a question. “Yeah, of course.”
“Then why aren’t you with one of them?” Quinn's silence was suddenly like a knife to the gut. Judy’s face fell for the briefest second until she finished her drink. “Listen to me,” she choked out a laugh. “You have plenty of time for all of that. Okay? You just carry on the way you have been. Make me proud.”
Quinn's heart was still pounding when their call ended. She wore her cross to bed again that night.
* * *
The next day, Rachel called Quinn before she went to sleep. She was in the middle of telling her about the crazy bag lady in the park when Quinn interrupted her.
“What would you say if I dropped out of Yale?”
Suffice to say, Rachel hadn’t been as shocked since that one time at the train station. She turned over until she was lying against Quinn's pillow (it was officially hers now). “I-I would advise you to never, ever make a decision that huge after a bad day.”
“But what if it wasn’t about that? What if I really wanted to?”
Who was this person stuck for words? Rachel suddenly felt the need to fix whatever was wrong. “Look, we all have daydreams about how great it would be to be recognised by someone powerful in the biz and skip all of this, but it’s not going to happen. We have to work for it and show people that we can deal with the disappointment and rejection just as much as success. It’s necessary rehearsal for paparazzi, okay? And it’s late. You always dream better at night.”
“Will you answer the question?”
“I thought you were happy there. You always look happy.” Rachel frowned. “Your mom called yesterday, didn’t she? This is because of something she said.”
“Rachel.”
She sighed. “If you really wanted to -not that I believe for a second that you would change your mind so rashly without a heavy hand of persuasion, then I would ask you what your next move was.”
Quinn's eyes were closed. “What else?”
“I would point out that you are already amazingly accomplished for such a young age and Yale was just the beginning for you,” Rachel said. “Promptly followed by how many well-respected colleges are also in New York. And then you’d wake up, because you know that all I would do is give you a hug and a kiss and drag you back to Yale because I know you love it there and you have friends who adore you.”
Quinn smiled faintly. “I didn’t say I was going to drop out. I just wondered what you’d do if I did. Now I know.”
Rachel was too relieved to scold her. “Yes, you got a hug and a kiss and I hope you learned your lesson.”
“Never again.”
“Hey, Quinn?”
Quinn opened her eyes, half expecting Rachel to be next to her. The space was still empty. “Yeah?”
“Why do you let your mom get to you like that?” Rachel asked. “You don’t see her, and you don’t talk much.”
“She’s my mom,” Quinn answered softly. “I don’t know. I just- It’s not always conscious I don’t think, but she has this ability to make me feel small without trying, wanting to do anything I could to make her look at me the way she’d look at...”
“Success can be measured a million different ways, Quinn. You don’t have to be your sister, you just have to be you.”
“Don’t.”
“What?”
“You can’t say things like that when you’re not here.”
“Why not?”
“You know why.”
Rachel couldn’t help a small smile but she wasn’t finished saying her piece. “You’re old now, so I understand how easy it is for you to forget things but you can’t lose sight of what’s important to you just because of someone else’s opinion. Okay? Even if it is your mom.”
Quinn's sigh was long. “Be here,” she said, closing her eyes again. “Be here when I open my eyes.”
“I’m always there.”
“No, really be here. I’ve never wished on birthday candles or a shooting star before because it’s ridiculous, but you can be here if I want it bad enough. That’s my wish.”
“If I could travel between space-”
“You can do anything you put your mind to.” Rachel had never let her down before. “Click your heels and be here.”
“I’m gonna stay on the line with you until you fall asleep, okay?” Rachel said gently.
Quinn swallowed down the expected disappointment and her mind raced towards the morning she woke up and Rachel was holding her hand. She touched the cross around her neck. It was the second night in a row she was wearing it. “I’m wearing my cross.”
“How does it make you feel?”
Quinn's answer was extremely honest. “I don’t know. I just feel like I have to wear it sometimes.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t come next Friday,” Rachel said carefully.
“No,” Quinn said. “You should.”
“I can just as easily be there on Saturday night. You can take the day to finding a church. You don’t have to look in the surrounding area. Broaden your search to-”
“I said no.”
“But if this is important to you...”
“Why won’t anyone believe me when I say that I tried to find a church I liked?” Quinn asked. “I did try. I tried for months. It doesn’t feel the same anymore.”
“But you’re still wearing your necklace?”
Quinn's voice went quiet. “I said it doesn’t feel the same anymore, not that I don’t feel anything.”
“Do you want me to help you find-”
“I tried, Rachel. My mom doesn’t believe me but I’d like you to.”
“I do believe you,” Rachel said. “You know what I think would be good for you? Going back to Lima.”
“Stay away from the crazy bag lady, Rachel. Promise me.”
“No, I think it would be a good experience. I think you’d find speaking to your mom a lot easier afterwards. It’s like you revert back to the old Quinn when you talk to her now, right? But it’s because your relationship halted and you haven’t seen each other in, God, how long has it been? You need physical evidence of how much time has passed and what has or hasn’t changed. It sounds like maybe your mom needs it too? You’ll know how much you’ve grown before she’s even opened the door. Talk to her like an adult. She’ll appreciate you not holding back.”
Quinn pictured it. Her mother’s face -so much older than she remembered, made her chest hurt. “What if it makes it worse?”
“Then you would have tried,” Rachel said. “That’s something the old Quinn stopped doing a long time ago with her.”
“Will you stay with me?” Quinn breathed after a while. “Until I’m asleep.”
Rachel read three chapters of one of her favourite books -Patti LuPone: A Memoir- before she disconnected their call.
* * *
Jamie could barely contain herself when she arrived home a little after seven p.m. on Friday night.
First there had been the chain across the front door preventing her from going inside until Quinn opened it, and then there had been the delay from getting to the couch to the front door and weak excuse. “Rachel lives in New York with a skinny but beautiful gay guy. Locking the door at night is habit.” Jamie joined them in the living area to watch whatever movie was playing and Rachel had answered her small-talk questions but as soon as Quinn sat down the other side of her she went as quiet as a mouse.
Jamie suffered through the strange tension in the room for a full ten minutes before she made the connection. There was no denying it this time. It was most difficult not to scream or laugh. She had her bottom lip trapped until the first funny scene played out on screen, and then lost it.
Jamie’s laugh was contagious and Rachel did smile at it, directing an equal amount of amusement and confusion her way. The scene hadn’t been as side-tickling as Jamie made it seem. She looked beside to Quinn and the smile fell away, distracted with the way in which Quinn was looking at her.
“Don’t you have a paper due Monday?” Quinn asked her roommate when she couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“Don’t remind me.”
“This is no time to slack off,” Rachel advised helpfully.
“I’ve been a procrastinator since I turned 13 and I’ve managed to land on my feet,” Jamie said. “This is the part where I do anything to avoid what needs to be done.” She turned to Rachel, eyes still alight with laughter. “Want to order take-out and help me rearrange the herb and spice rack?”
That was tempting. Rachel had been telling Quinn for months that it needed doing. How could they find anything if it wasn’t in alphabetical order? More importantly, how was she supposed to contribute to a meal -her job was to always add the herbs and spices- when it took her an age to find the correct little pot?
“We’re watching a movie,” Quinn said after Rachel took too long to answer.
Rachel nodded. “Yep.”
Jamie let it go. She left them alone, going to find something to drink. How long would it take for them to snap? It would be fun to find out. She wondered when the grin would be wiped off her face, though. Her jaw was beginning to ache.
“Either of you want some lemonade? My grandma still thinks I’m ten years-old and brings me a pitcher every time she visits. It gets bitterer every year, but it’s okay with vodka.”
“Get rid of her,” Quinn said quietly, directly into Rachel's ear.
Rachel looked at a loss. “Me? She’s your roommate.”
“So?”
“So, how can I possibly ask her to leave her own apartment without her kicking me out first?”
A text message from Connor had Jamie bolting for the door. She’d totally forgotten. “Oh shit, yeah! Actually guys, I will get out of here. I have to tell Connor something huge!”
“Are you sure?” Rachel asked. “We have popcorn and another movie to watch.”
Quinn tried her best not to glare.
“Yeah, no, this can’t wait,” Jamie said. “I’ll probably stay at his place, so I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
“Is everything okay?”
This time Quinn's glare wasn’t quite as concealed.
“Perfect!”
“Okay, well I’ll see you tomorrow,” Rachel smiled, adorably oblivious.
Quinn was sliding the chain across the door when Rachel came up behind her. She leaned against it when it was locked twice. “When there’s an unwelcome guest in the apartment, Rachel, it’s not appropriate to ask them to stay.”
“Jamie lives here and pays half the rent.”
“She could pay all of it and she’d still be unwelcome here tonight, so, please, next time?”
Rachel nodded. “I understand.”
“I get you for two nights every fortnight.”
“Which states regular contact. If you take into account our calls, text messages or seeing each other via webcam, it really-”
“I don’t get to be close to you like this,” Quinn whispered, pushing forward to run her fingers through Rachel's hair and lean in for a kiss softer than they’d shared since the last time they said goodbye. “I don’t get to not miss you unless I’m with you.”
They ended up on Quinn's bed with Rachel underneath her.
She watched as Quinn leaned over her and touched her with barely the tips of her fingers, eyes crawling over the skin as she went. It was Rachel's chest, going no more than halfway down, her collarbone, the ridge of her jaw. Quinn's hand moved to Rachel's hair and gently smoothed it out. It was the way Quinn looked at her that made Rachel afraid to blink, in case she missed any second of it.
Rachel's arms went around Quinn the second their lips met.
The last time they’d been in this exact position was a month ago. As quiet as could be, they arrived back from the station and snuck through the kitchen without alerting Jamie and Connor and were falling against the mattress, kissing enough to sate them until a few hours later when they’d get to do it again.
Rachel had noticed Quinn wasn’t wearing her cross then.
Now, with Quinn's hand against her jaw, Rachel let her guide their kiss to start out with. It still made her head spin. Quinn kissed her maddeningly slow and soft for what always felt a lot longer than the minutes that had passed, and when Rachel's fingers moved to grip the back of Quinn's neck, trying to deepen their kiss, that’s when she felt the chain around it. That’s when Rachel realised that the unfamiliar sensation tickling her throat was a cross.
She pulled away and followed the chain with her fingers until her thumb and forefinger were holding the cross up between their bodies. Rachel looked at the cross and then Quinn, whose brows were now knitted as she looked down at her. It was a mixture of lust and torture.
“You’re not doing anything wrong, Quinn. You don’t have to hold back because of this. Just let go,” Rachel said, meaning the next sentence in every single possible way except for its obvious. “Kiss me with your eyes closed.”
“I want to.” Quinn's eyes were full. She wanted to let go so badly.
“But you can’t if you wearing that?”
“Not yet. I’m sorry. I wish-”
“No,” Rachel broke in gently. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” Her hands reached for the clasp of the necklace. “Do you want me to take it off?”
Quinn nodded, lifting her hair up to make it easier for Rachel. Her body felt lighter without it on. She kissed her as soon as she heard the necklace be placed on the nightstand. It was gradual, the deep, firm crushes of her lips and tongue against Rachel’s. It was gradual the way her body slowly began to react to Rachel's careful but curious, wandering hands, the hitches to Rachel’s breath when she would kiss her neck or across her jaw. It made Quinn endlessly curious too, since the most they’d done in the past two visits was heavy kissing.
“Will you take this off?” Quinn asked with her hand at the hem of Rachel's top. “Is that okay?”
Rachel's back arched off the bed, pulling her top over her head, and Quinn didn’t know how to stop her eyes from roaming every inch of skin so she didn’t bother to attempt it from happening. The sight of it and the way Rachel shivered when Quinn’s hands explored everywhere on her torso but her breasts made Quinn's eyes dark. Her body surged against Rachel's in a heated kiss, wanting to be closer to her in every way she could be.
Rachel opened her legs for Quinn to fit into, breathing harshly when Quinn's mouth opened against her neck in bites and kisses and sucks. It was killing her not to be able to touch Quinn where she wanted to, not without taking off her dress first, but it seemed to matter less when Quinn's mouth stilled against her skin, arching against her as a low moan spilled from her lips.
Rachel could feel Quinn's hand trembling, stationary on her ribs, and covered it with her own, pulling it up to cover one of her breasts. It was over the bra but enough sensation that had their stomachs tighten. Quinn panted against Rachel's neck, slowly beginning to use her hand the way Rachel had done first by squeezing and massaging, only gentler, feeling for herself this time. Rachel's breasts were soft and firm and fit her palm perfectly. When she heard Rachel groan gutturally and press up into her, Quinn urgently sought out her mouth.
She could feel herself getting wet.
When Quinn eventually ripped her mouth away from Rachel's, it was to reach for the zipper to her dress. Her hands fumbled for only a second, and then the zipper was being dragged down in haste, roughly pushing the material from her shoulders. In return, Rachel sat up and pushed into Quinn to switch their positions, keeping the dress from falling any lower.
“Quinn.” Rachel dipped her head to kiss her on the lips. “Don’t feel like- like if I do something, you have to. You don’t.”
Quinn nodded, chest heaving because Rachel had felt incredible underneath her hands and now she was on top of her when heat had began to pool low in her stomach. “I want to know how you feel when you’re touching me,” she said, tipping her head up to kiss the slant of Rachel's chin, working her way towards her neck. When she heard Rachel's breathing deepen again, Quinn held the back of her head. Rachel smelled almost as good as she felt. “You smell so good.”
“So do you.” Rachel kissed Quinn feverishly.
The dress was pulled down to Quinn's waist. Rachel's hands and lips explored Quinn’s torso almost politely until Quinn grabbed her hands and covered her breasts with them, a tad less patiently as Rachel had done to her. Their eyes locked when Rachel began to move. Several minutes later, with ragged breaths and moans from underneath, Rachel's left hand travelled from Quinn's chest and down her arm and lowered her mouth to her ribs. She kissed and sucked until an area was deep red.
Quinn pulled Rachel back into a kiss, swallowing thickly before their lips met again. It felt the way drinking a strong cup of tea did; like she was swallowing feelings more than anything. She couldn’t describe it any clearer than that.
* * *
“Have you fixed my dress yet?” Rachel asked. “I want to wear it soon. I found a necklace that goes perfectly.”
“Which dress?”
“The one you tore off me.”
Quinn met Rachel's eyes. “Oh, yeah. No, I haven’t.”
“Why not?”
“I haven’t had time?” Quinn had had plenty of time. The dress was long back to looking perfect. She just always enjoyed Rachel's reactions whenever she did anything like this.
“You said you would do it.” Rachel pointed a knife at her. “You promised me, in fact. A long time ago. And I asked you like three weeks ago and you said you were, and I do love quoting you when I know I’m right, almost finished.”
Quinn forced Rachel's hand down to cut the sandwich instead of flicking crumbs at her. “But not finished.”
Rachel frowned now. “You said it was your number one priority.”
“I wasn’t lying.”
“So why isn’t it ready for me?”
“Because we’re not Amish and don’t have to make all of our clothes? Your dress is my number one priority to fix, Rachel, because there is nothing else. I barely use that sewing machine.”
Rachel picked up her sandwich and sat down at the kitchen table, pulling one of Quinn's newsletters closer to read after she’d eaten. “I didn’t expect you to sit there and not move until you’d got gold, so to speak. I just thought you knew it was important to me, that’s all.” Rachel shrugged and pretended to flick through the Yale drama newsletter when Quinn sat down at the table next to her. “It’s fine, I can wear a different one for when my dads come to visit.”
“Why didn’t you say so? It’s hanging in the closet, ready for you to take back.”
Rachel's lips slowly and reluctantly twisted into a smile. She held Quinn's face and leaned to the side, pressing a sweet kiss against her cheek. “Thank you.”
Rachel found that keeping it together during their goodbyes was getting more difficult each time they were forced to. Dread rooted in the pit of her stomach and branched out through her body and every limb. She lingered closer to Quinn this time, holding her hand while Quinn wheeled her small case through the train station for her.
Quinn had told Rachel about the text analysis class she was thinking of signing up for, because the key elements that had her falling in love with performing were classics from the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s, and compare them to more recent classics. Rachel had encouraged her but was mostly unresponsive; looking off in the other direction at God knows what.
“Rachel,” Quinn said when she realised that she was crying. She squeezed her hand.
“I’m trying,” Rachel responded thickly. She knew how much Quinn hated it when she got upset when one of them was leaving.
“I’ll see you in two weeks.” Quinn's voice was soft. They would always switch roles at some point during their visits, be the one to complain about the lack of time they feel they have and then comfort and reassure when the tables were turned. “Okay? And I’ll call you tonight when I’ve finished at least the first chapter of that Patti LuPone book you gave me.”
Rachel shook her head, signalling for Quinn to absolutely shut her mouth because she was making it worse by trying to make it better. Quinn settled for just holding her hand until it was time to go. They’d had their real goodbye kiss in Quinn's apartment, then the elevator, and finally her car, but she still leaned in for a long, soft press of her lips against Rachel's before she told her to get home in one piece and avoid homeless 125th when the time came.
Quinn was going to tell Rachel that she hated their goodbye’s just as much as she did but she figured that already knowing how much Rachel was going to miss her didn’t make her feel any better at all. It made her feel worse. Rachel didn’t need that.
* * *
As annoying as Quinn used to find it, Rachel was right.
Underneath all the dizzying nausea there was one thing she couldn’t deny the second she arrived in town. She had changed. Going home to Lima, while Rachel's idea, had been one of the most spontaneous decisions Quinn had ever made. It had been a matter of forcing herself, booking a ticket the second she felt brave enough to so she didn’t have chance to change her mind. It had to be the morning after. There was no way she would be able to wait any longer. It had to be done as soon as possible.
Quinn sucked in a deep breath when she saw her old house.
It was like it had been both a million years ago and yesterday that she’d been there. It took less than a click of the fingers to conjure up some old feelings but instead of smothering her, she was able to break through them. With a nervous lick of her lips, Quinn straightened her shoulders and began the walk to the front door.
It had been an uneventful morning for Judy. She’d had no errands to run until the afternoon and tea with the girls wasn’t until two-thirty, so she was filling her time with vacuuming over rugs and carpets that nobody had walked over since the last time she did the housework.
Judy had never had such a powerful reaction upon opening the door to somebody before. The breath caught in her throat and her chest ached like something had been ripped out. It was her daughter looking nothing like a child and everything like a woman standing on her doorstep after nearly two years.
Quinn saw tears spring to her mother’s eyes and blinked them from her own. She didn’t look as old as Quinn had feared she would but she didn’t look the same either.
Judy’s hand shot out to Quinn's arm, touching her to make it real. “Quinnie...”
Quinn watched her mother close up almost as soon as she’d said it. Judy’s hand fell away and she blinked her tears away like they had never been there, fixing a smile on her face. She opened the door wider to let Quinn inside.
“It’s nice to see you, sweetheart. This is such a lovely surprise; I can’t wait to tell the girls.”
It was impossible not to be a little stung by the lack of a hug. “How are you?”
“Fantastic.” Judy gave Quinn the side-eyed smile as they made their way to the kitchen. “How are you? It’s been a little while since you stopped by. What’s the occasion?”
The house smelled exactly the same as it always had. Quinn had almost forgotten it.
“I wanted to see you,” Quinn said, annoyed with herself right away. “Needed to,” she amended. This was about being adult and saying things that weren’t easy. It had to be from the start or she would never be able to do it.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Judy said. “Would you like a drink?”
It was a little after midday.
“Little early for me,” Quinn declined, “but, um, I wouldn’t say no to some water.”
“That’s all I meant, sweetie.”
Quinn looked around the kitchen and noted that the only change was the clock on the wall. She wasn’t sure if it was as symbolic as Rachel would no doubt tell her it was when they spoke again.
“Not much has changed.” Quinn's fingers brushed against Judy’s when she took the bottled water. It made her eyes shoot up to her mother’s, as startlingly blue as they’d always been.
“I redecorated the entire kitchen last fall,” Judy said. “I went a shade lighter. It’s putnam ivory instead of monroe bisque. I think it brightened this entire space up. It was like a dungeon before.”
Quinn couldn’t tell the difference at all. She gave her mother a faint smile. “Looks the same.”
“You never did appreciate those kinds of things,” Judy smiled. “Trust me, to a trained eye...”
“It looks nice.” It might not look any different but Quinn knew that it was one of the nicest houses in Lima. “My kitchen is... the weirdest colour green. My roommate said I could decorate the living area if she got full control of the kitchen. Needless to say, never again.”
“You’ll have to hang a lot of things on the wall. You can almost always cover up a disastrous colour scheme with a few well-placed paintings or pictures.”
“Really?”
“Try it,” Judy said. She just looked at Quinn for a minute. “You look so grown up. It’s hard to believe how much time has passed.” It wasn’t. Time passed very slowly for Judy.
“I feel different. It’s actually why I’m here, unannounced.”
“Don’t be silly. I know you’re busy but you’re always welcome home whenever you have the time.”
Quinn put her hand on the counter, right next to Judy’s. “I fly back tonight but I was hoping we could spend the afternoon together, at least? I’m starving, so we could go to lunch and then grab some coffee?”
Judy couldn’t remember the last time Quinn had complained about being hungry so openly. Certainly not since her surgery. She shook her head. “No, I- would you mind if we stayed here? I can fix you anything you want. It’s nice to see you in the house.”
Quinn was relieved. “I’d prefer that.”
Judy smiled. “Well, let me just make a quick phone call to the girls to tell them I won’t be making it today.”
“Oh. Wait, if you already had plans...”
“My daughter is back home for the first time since she left after graduating high school. Do you really think I’d rather sit around and drink tea across town? I want to hear all about you!”
Judy set the dining room table for them to eat at. As soon as Quinn saw how far apart they were sitting, which was no further than it had always been, she moved everything of hers up the table until she could have a conversation with her mother instead of shouting to pass the salt.
“This is amazing,” Quinn said. It was her second compliment of the dish now that she was halfway through it. Judy was many things, and a good cook was one of them.
“It’s just chicken.”
“Good chicken.”
Judy sipped the water Quinn had poured in her glass. It was strange on her palette, expecting a sharpness that only came with wine. When was the last time she’d had water with a meal? “How are your-”
“Please don’t ask me how school is,” Quinn said. “Don’t ask about my classes or if I’m learning anything or if I’ve miraculously found a church. You know the answers to those questions.”
“I’m interested, sweetie.”
“But it’s all you ever ask. Believe me, it’s not that interesting. This is why I’m here.” Quinn breathed steadily. “For a reality check for both of us. Ask me something real.” Quinn watched her mother struggle with that.
“How was your flight?”
“Mom.”
Judy swallowed another sip of water, wishing she was drinking something a little stronger. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I-”
“You don’t know how to talk to me,” Quinn said. “Ask me how hard it was for me to get on that plane this morning or how it felt to knock on the door and wait for you to open it.”
“Quinn,” Judy sighed.
“Because it was hard. Coming back here was hard.”
“A little anxiety is perfectly normal, Quinn. Don’t try to make this into something it’s not. We’re not part of one of your productions at Yale.” Judy scooped some rice onto a fork. “Finish your lunch, honey. We don’t want it to get cold.”
This was the woman Quinn recognised.
“This is a production. Our entire relationship -and I use that term loosely- is a freak show. We have issues.” Quinn laughed. “The most personal thing I’ve told you in years is what colour my kitchen is.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? Can you tell me of one time I’ve willingly shared even a little part of myself with you?” There was silence. “You said you wanted to hear all about me... ask me something.”
“Why are you doing this? We were enjoying a perfectly good lunch.”
“Because a stranger calls me once a month and I hang up feeling so many things that I don’t want to feel. I can’t do it anymore.”
Judy shook her head. “Just because we’re not best friends-”
“We’re not anything,” Quinn said bluntly. “I’m not putting all of this on you. I know it’s me too. I don’t know how to talk to you, either.”
“We’re mother and daughter. A little miscommunication is nothing to fly across the country for.”
Quinn pushed her plate away. “It took me a long time to accept that things could go wrong in my life but wouldn’t define me. It took even longer to accept that not everything had to be perfect. What we’re looking at right now is not miscommunication.”
Judy warned Quinn with a single look. “I’m learning about you already. How dramatic are you these days? Honestly, sweetheart.”
“I look different to you, don’t I? That’s what you said, that I looked grown up. I feel like myself sitting here, but when we talk on the phone... it makes me feel like a child. I need you to know that I’m not her anymore.”
“I do know that.”
“You don’t act like it.” Quinn watched Judy begin to be affected. It was what she’d been waiting for. “Did you miss me?”
Judy inhaled deeply at the question. “Of course I did!”
“Why didn’t you hug me at the door?” Quinn asked softly.
“You didn’t look like you wanted one.”
“You shouldn’t have been thinking about what I wanted. You shouldn’t have thought at all. It should have been a natural reaction.” Quinn felt sick now. She looked to her water glass and wished there was something stronger inside. Her stomach turned when she saw Judy doing the same thing. They were hideously alike sometimes. “Whatever our relationship has been like in the past, you never thought twice to hugging me.”
“I’ve had a cold recently,” Judy shrugged.
“Is that why you didn’t call me last week?”
Judy felt exposed under Quinn's strong gaze. “Yes.”
“Or was it because of what we talked about the last time you called me?”
“You told me you didn’t want a baby any time soon,” Judy said. “That’s the most personal thing you’ve told me in years, not the colour of your kitchen.”
“And you don’t agree?”
“You choose when you have another child, Quinn. If you don’t feel ready for one yet, that’s not my place to convince you otherwise.”
“A cold wouldn’t have stopped you calling,” Quinn said. It was a weak excuse and there was no way she bought it. “It was something I said.”
Judy was still picking at her lunch. “It wasn’t anything you said.”
“Don’t insult me. If you’re going to act like I don’t exist unless I drop in on you like this, at least have the decency to tell me why.” Quinn had been a moment away from losing her temper when she noticed her mother’s hand shaking. She covered it with her own. “Mom...”
Judy pulled her hand away. “You have never once called me first,” she said. “You walked away and never looked back. I’ve called you first every single time since the month you left. It makes me feel like... well, you’ve had a small taste of what that feels like.”
“I had to break away from this place, from everything that would have kept me from moving forward. I didn’t mean for it to hurt you.”
“Thank you for that,” Judy said, her tone heavily laced with sarcasm.
Quinn looked at her mother’s hand and breathed past the pressure in her chest. “Why won’t you touch me?”
Judy studied Quinn's face. The change in her was incredible. “I know you’re not the same girl you were in high school, Quinnie. If we’d have had this conversation on the phone, it might not have sunk in quite as deeply.”
“Answer me.”
“Do you still pray?”
Quinn sighed. “Sometimes.”
“And do you wear your necklace?”
“Sometimes.”
Judy folded her napkin. “Well, that’s something at least. God will forgive almost anything, sweetheart. You know that.” Judy chose her words carefully. “And it goes without saying that I’m happy you’re here. I’ll admit that this place gets a little lonely sometimes. If you’d like me to try harder to get to know you, I will. And I promise to you right now that I’ll never pry when it comes to your personal life again. When you find a gentleman you’re ready to settle down with, you can introduce me to him then. I don’t want to know about any of the others.”
Quinn felt her heart thundering inside her ribcage so wildly that it might as well have been causing internal damage. “What if I wanted you to? I mean, not now... Someday?”
Judy shook her head. “That’s not necessary. All I need to know is the man you choose. The rest are so... unimportant after you marry. You’ll understand that one day.” While Quinn was frowning, looking at her in a way she couldn’t quite read, Judy stood from her seat and took their plates. “I can’t manage any more of this, so let me get rid of these and then we can get that coffee, okay, sweetie?”
The rest of the afternoon was strange but Quinn could see that progress had been made. She hadn’t been expecting a miracle by all means. At one point she had reached for her cross but felt a different necklace around her neck instead. It was becoming more and more frequent to reach for it these days, especially with the changes that had happened with her and Rachel.
Judy didn’t make a move to hug her, so Quinn didn’t ask her to. She would have to work her way back up to that. After Quinn said goodbye at the door, she turned back.
“I missed you.”
That was what broke Judy in the end. She nodded, tears pooled in her eyes. No-one had said that to her in years. “I missed you too.”
Chapter 4
Pairing: Rachel/Quinn
Rating: M
Spoilers: 3x08
Authors Note: This is just my imagining of Faberry in college without a certain person around to control and poison people around him.
Summary: The lines couldn’t blur with Rachel. They hadn’t. Quinn would close her eyes and think that it was just like the times she was on vacation and see the boats so far in the distance that they looked like they were in the sky. It was impossible. Nothing more than a trick of the mind.
This chapter was the smallest out of them all. The next and final one will be split into two parts as usual.
A month passed before anyone knew it.
“How are your classes, sweetie? Are you learning anything?”
Quinn had been studying in the library when her phone rang on Thursday evening. She exhaled deeply when she heard the ice clinking in her mother’s glass. “They’re good.”
“You’re so lucky to be there.”
Quinn knew how fortunate she was to attend Yale. The way the entire experience had shaped the person she was now would never be lost on her. “I know. I can’t imagine going to college anywhere else.”
“You’re doing so well for yourself,” Judy commented proudly. “I only wish you’d put some more effort into finding a church that you liked. Your life could be so much fuller if you let it.”
Her mother’s voice repeated inside her head and Quinn kept her voice quiet because she didn’t want to direct any unwanted attention to herself. “My life is full, mom.”
“Oh, you know what I mean.”
“Yes, I do. I can tell you right now that my life is fuller than it’s ever been. I’m happy, with myself and my friends and my life. I love being anywhere that isn’t that stupid town. I can be whoever I want to be here and nobody cares. They have better things to talk about than each other.”
Well, most of the time.
Judy’s ice clinked again. “You’re not turning into one of those pot heads, are you? I remember that silly little phase in your senior year of high school.”
“No,” Quinn gritted out.
“Did you hear about your sister?”
“What about her?”
“Well, I just might be a grandmother someday soon.”
Quinn didn’t take that personally, nor the fact that her sister hadn’t at least e-mailed her to let her know. They weren’t close but trying to add another member to that family needed lots of time to adjust to. Perhaps Judy had the right idea with that drink. “That’s...”
“It’s wonderful. Isn’t it wonderful?”
“Yeah,” Quinn agreed flatly. It was the best news she’d heard all fucking day.
“You know, there’s no reason you wouldn’t catch up quickly if you’d meet someone and get serious,” Judy said. “You shouldn’t be so shy, Quinnie. You could have any man you want.”
It was always a competition. Always had been and always would be.
“Do you remember Beth?” Quinn asked bitingly. She glanced around and lowered her voice. “She was my baby. I don’t need or want another one any time soon.”
“Of course I remember her. I’m sorry, I-”
“Do you think I’d throw away Yale because of a guy? Because of anyone?”
“I didn’t mean it that way.” Judy’s voice was calm the way only a gin and tonic made it. “You’ve always done things at your own pace, honey. I know that.”
“And I will continue to.”
Judy was quiet for a moment. She didn’t even take another sip of her drink. “You’ve never spoken to me like this.”
“I’m sorry,” Quinn apologised softly, disappointed in herself that she let her mother get to her that way. She could usually control herself better than that. “But I’m not a school girl anymore. There are no flyers around here for a Chastity Ball.”
“But there are gentlemen there.”
Quinn didn’t know if that was a question. “Yeah, of course.”
“Then why aren’t you with one of them?” Quinn's silence was suddenly like a knife to the gut. Judy’s face fell for the briefest second until she finished her drink. “Listen to me,” she choked out a laugh. “You have plenty of time for all of that. Okay? You just carry on the way you have been. Make me proud.”
Quinn's heart was still pounding when their call ended. She wore her cross to bed again that night.
* * *
The next day, Rachel called Quinn before she went to sleep. She was in the middle of telling her about the crazy bag lady in the park when Quinn interrupted her.
“What would you say if I dropped out of Yale?”
Suffice to say, Rachel hadn’t been as shocked since that one time at the train station. She turned over until she was lying against Quinn's pillow (it was officially hers now). “I-I would advise you to never, ever make a decision that huge after a bad day.”
“But what if it wasn’t about that? What if I really wanted to?”
Who was this person stuck for words? Rachel suddenly felt the need to fix whatever was wrong. “Look, we all have daydreams about how great it would be to be recognised by someone powerful in the biz and skip all of this, but it’s not going to happen. We have to work for it and show people that we can deal with the disappointment and rejection just as much as success. It’s necessary rehearsal for paparazzi, okay? And it’s late. You always dream better at night.”
“Will you answer the question?”
“I thought you were happy there. You always look happy.” Rachel frowned. “Your mom called yesterday, didn’t she? This is because of something she said.”
“Rachel.”
She sighed. “If you really wanted to -not that I believe for a second that you would change your mind so rashly without a heavy hand of persuasion, then I would ask you what your next move was.”
Quinn's eyes were closed. “What else?”
“I would point out that you are already amazingly accomplished for such a young age and Yale was just the beginning for you,” Rachel said. “Promptly followed by how many well-respected colleges are also in New York. And then you’d wake up, because you know that all I would do is give you a hug and a kiss and drag you back to Yale because I know you love it there and you have friends who adore you.”
Quinn smiled faintly. “I didn’t say I was going to drop out. I just wondered what you’d do if I did. Now I know.”
Rachel was too relieved to scold her. “Yes, you got a hug and a kiss and I hope you learned your lesson.”
“Never again.”
“Hey, Quinn?”
Quinn opened her eyes, half expecting Rachel to be next to her. The space was still empty. “Yeah?”
“Why do you let your mom get to you like that?” Rachel asked. “You don’t see her, and you don’t talk much.”
“She’s my mom,” Quinn answered softly. “I don’t know. I just- It’s not always conscious I don’t think, but she has this ability to make me feel small without trying, wanting to do anything I could to make her look at me the way she’d look at...”
“Success can be measured a million different ways, Quinn. You don’t have to be your sister, you just have to be you.”
“Don’t.”
“What?”
“You can’t say things like that when you’re not here.”
“Why not?”
“You know why.”
Rachel couldn’t help a small smile but she wasn’t finished saying her piece. “You’re old now, so I understand how easy it is for you to forget things but you can’t lose sight of what’s important to you just because of someone else’s opinion. Okay? Even if it is your mom.”
Quinn's sigh was long. “Be here,” she said, closing her eyes again. “Be here when I open my eyes.”
“I’m always there.”
“No, really be here. I’ve never wished on birthday candles or a shooting star before because it’s ridiculous, but you can be here if I want it bad enough. That’s my wish.”
“If I could travel between space-”
“You can do anything you put your mind to.” Rachel had never let her down before. “Click your heels and be here.”
“I’m gonna stay on the line with you until you fall asleep, okay?” Rachel said gently.
Quinn swallowed down the expected disappointment and her mind raced towards the morning she woke up and Rachel was holding her hand. She touched the cross around her neck. It was the second night in a row she was wearing it. “I’m wearing my cross.”
“How does it make you feel?”
Quinn's answer was extremely honest. “I don’t know. I just feel like I have to wear it sometimes.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t come next Friday,” Rachel said carefully.
“No,” Quinn said. “You should.”
“I can just as easily be there on Saturday night. You can take the day to finding a church. You don’t have to look in the surrounding area. Broaden your search to-”
“I said no.”
“But if this is important to you...”
“Why won’t anyone believe me when I say that I tried to find a church I liked?” Quinn asked. “I did try. I tried for months. It doesn’t feel the same anymore.”
“But you’re still wearing your necklace?”
Quinn's voice went quiet. “I said it doesn’t feel the same anymore, not that I don’t feel anything.”
“Do you want me to help you find-”
“I tried, Rachel. My mom doesn’t believe me but I’d like you to.”
“I do believe you,” Rachel said. “You know what I think would be good for you? Going back to Lima.”
“Stay away from the crazy bag lady, Rachel. Promise me.”
“No, I think it would be a good experience. I think you’d find speaking to your mom a lot easier afterwards. It’s like you revert back to the old Quinn when you talk to her now, right? But it’s because your relationship halted and you haven’t seen each other in, God, how long has it been? You need physical evidence of how much time has passed and what has or hasn’t changed. It sounds like maybe your mom needs it too? You’ll know how much you’ve grown before she’s even opened the door. Talk to her like an adult. She’ll appreciate you not holding back.”
Quinn pictured it. Her mother’s face -so much older than she remembered, made her chest hurt. “What if it makes it worse?”
“Then you would have tried,” Rachel said. “That’s something the old Quinn stopped doing a long time ago with her.”
“Will you stay with me?” Quinn breathed after a while. “Until I’m asleep.”
Rachel read three chapters of one of her favourite books -Patti LuPone: A Memoir- before she disconnected their call.
* * *
Jamie could barely contain herself when she arrived home a little after seven p.m. on Friday night.
First there had been the chain across the front door preventing her from going inside until Quinn opened it, and then there had been the delay from getting to the couch to the front door and weak excuse. “Rachel lives in New York with a skinny but beautiful gay guy. Locking the door at night is habit.” Jamie joined them in the living area to watch whatever movie was playing and Rachel had answered her small-talk questions but as soon as Quinn sat down the other side of her she went as quiet as a mouse.
Jamie suffered through the strange tension in the room for a full ten minutes before she made the connection. There was no denying it this time. It was most difficult not to scream or laugh. She had her bottom lip trapped until the first funny scene played out on screen, and then lost it.
Jamie’s laugh was contagious and Rachel did smile at it, directing an equal amount of amusement and confusion her way. The scene hadn’t been as side-tickling as Jamie made it seem. She looked beside to Quinn and the smile fell away, distracted with the way in which Quinn was looking at her.
“Don’t you have a paper due Monday?” Quinn asked her roommate when she couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“Don’t remind me.”
“This is no time to slack off,” Rachel advised helpfully.
“I’ve been a procrastinator since I turned 13 and I’ve managed to land on my feet,” Jamie said. “This is the part where I do anything to avoid what needs to be done.” She turned to Rachel, eyes still alight with laughter. “Want to order take-out and help me rearrange the herb and spice rack?”
That was tempting. Rachel had been telling Quinn for months that it needed doing. How could they find anything if it wasn’t in alphabetical order? More importantly, how was she supposed to contribute to a meal -her job was to always add the herbs and spices- when it took her an age to find the correct little pot?
“We’re watching a movie,” Quinn said after Rachel took too long to answer.
Rachel nodded. “Yep.”
Jamie let it go. She left them alone, going to find something to drink. How long would it take for them to snap? It would be fun to find out. She wondered when the grin would be wiped off her face, though. Her jaw was beginning to ache.
“Either of you want some lemonade? My grandma still thinks I’m ten years-old and brings me a pitcher every time she visits. It gets bitterer every year, but it’s okay with vodka.”
“Get rid of her,” Quinn said quietly, directly into Rachel's ear.
Rachel looked at a loss. “Me? She’s your roommate.”
“So?”
“So, how can I possibly ask her to leave her own apartment without her kicking me out first?”
A text message from Connor had Jamie bolting for the door. She’d totally forgotten. “Oh shit, yeah! Actually guys, I will get out of here. I have to tell Connor something huge!”
“Are you sure?” Rachel asked. “We have popcorn and another movie to watch.”
Quinn tried her best not to glare.
“Yeah, no, this can’t wait,” Jamie said. “I’ll probably stay at his place, so I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
“Is everything okay?”
This time Quinn's glare wasn’t quite as concealed.
“Perfect!”
“Okay, well I’ll see you tomorrow,” Rachel smiled, adorably oblivious.
Quinn was sliding the chain across the door when Rachel came up behind her. She leaned against it when it was locked twice. “When there’s an unwelcome guest in the apartment, Rachel, it’s not appropriate to ask them to stay.”
“Jamie lives here and pays half the rent.”
“She could pay all of it and she’d still be unwelcome here tonight, so, please, next time?”
Rachel nodded. “I understand.”
“I get you for two nights every fortnight.”
“Which states regular contact. If you take into account our calls, text messages or seeing each other via webcam, it really-”
“I don’t get to be close to you like this,” Quinn whispered, pushing forward to run her fingers through Rachel's hair and lean in for a kiss softer than they’d shared since the last time they said goodbye. “I don’t get to not miss you unless I’m with you.”
They ended up on Quinn's bed with Rachel underneath her.
She watched as Quinn leaned over her and touched her with barely the tips of her fingers, eyes crawling over the skin as she went. It was Rachel's chest, going no more than halfway down, her collarbone, the ridge of her jaw. Quinn's hand moved to Rachel's hair and gently smoothed it out. It was the way Quinn looked at her that made Rachel afraid to blink, in case she missed any second of it.
Rachel's arms went around Quinn the second their lips met.
The last time they’d been in this exact position was a month ago. As quiet as could be, they arrived back from the station and snuck through the kitchen without alerting Jamie and Connor and were falling against the mattress, kissing enough to sate them until a few hours later when they’d get to do it again.
Rachel had noticed Quinn wasn’t wearing her cross then.
Now, with Quinn's hand against her jaw, Rachel let her guide their kiss to start out with. It still made her head spin. Quinn kissed her maddeningly slow and soft for what always felt a lot longer than the minutes that had passed, and when Rachel's fingers moved to grip the back of Quinn's neck, trying to deepen their kiss, that’s when she felt the chain around it. That’s when Rachel realised that the unfamiliar sensation tickling her throat was a cross.
She pulled away and followed the chain with her fingers until her thumb and forefinger were holding the cross up between their bodies. Rachel looked at the cross and then Quinn, whose brows were now knitted as she looked down at her. It was a mixture of lust and torture.
“You’re not doing anything wrong, Quinn. You don’t have to hold back because of this. Just let go,” Rachel said, meaning the next sentence in every single possible way except for its obvious. “Kiss me with your eyes closed.”
“I want to.” Quinn's eyes were full. She wanted to let go so badly.
“But you can’t if you wearing that?”
“Not yet. I’m sorry. I wish-”
“No,” Rachel broke in gently. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” Her hands reached for the clasp of the necklace. “Do you want me to take it off?”
Quinn nodded, lifting her hair up to make it easier for Rachel. Her body felt lighter without it on. She kissed her as soon as she heard the necklace be placed on the nightstand. It was gradual, the deep, firm crushes of her lips and tongue against Rachel’s. It was gradual the way her body slowly began to react to Rachel's careful but curious, wandering hands, the hitches to Rachel’s breath when she would kiss her neck or across her jaw. It made Quinn endlessly curious too, since the most they’d done in the past two visits was heavy kissing.
“Will you take this off?” Quinn asked with her hand at the hem of Rachel's top. “Is that okay?”
Rachel's back arched off the bed, pulling her top over her head, and Quinn didn’t know how to stop her eyes from roaming every inch of skin so she didn’t bother to attempt it from happening. The sight of it and the way Rachel shivered when Quinn’s hands explored everywhere on her torso but her breasts made Quinn's eyes dark. Her body surged against Rachel's in a heated kiss, wanting to be closer to her in every way she could be.
Rachel opened her legs for Quinn to fit into, breathing harshly when Quinn's mouth opened against her neck in bites and kisses and sucks. It was killing her not to be able to touch Quinn where she wanted to, not without taking off her dress first, but it seemed to matter less when Quinn's mouth stilled against her skin, arching against her as a low moan spilled from her lips.
Rachel could feel Quinn's hand trembling, stationary on her ribs, and covered it with her own, pulling it up to cover one of her breasts. It was over the bra but enough sensation that had their stomachs tighten. Quinn panted against Rachel's neck, slowly beginning to use her hand the way Rachel had done first by squeezing and massaging, only gentler, feeling for herself this time. Rachel's breasts were soft and firm and fit her palm perfectly. When she heard Rachel groan gutturally and press up into her, Quinn urgently sought out her mouth.
She could feel herself getting wet.
When Quinn eventually ripped her mouth away from Rachel's, it was to reach for the zipper to her dress. Her hands fumbled for only a second, and then the zipper was being dragged down in haste, roughly pushing the material from her shoulders. In return, Rachel sat up and pushed into Quinn to switch their positions, keeping the dress from falling any lower.
“Quinn.” Rachel dipped her head to kiss her on the lips. “Don’t feel like- like if I do something, you have to. You don’t.”
Quinn nodded, chest heaving because Rachel had felt incredible underneath her hands and now she was on top of her when heat had began to pool low in her stomach. “I want to know how you feel when you’re touching me,” she said, tipping her head up to kiss the slant of Rachel's chin, working her way towards her neck. When she heard Rachel's breathing deepen again, Quinn held the back of her head. Rachel smelled almost as good as she felt. “You smell so good.”
“So do you.” Rachel kissed Quinn feverishly.
The dress was pulled down to Quinn's waist. Rachel's hands and lips explored Quinn’s torso almost politely until Quinn grabbed her hands and covered her breasts with them, a tad less patiently as Rachel had done to her. Their eyes locked when Rachel began to move. Several minutes later, with ragged breaths and moans from underneath, Rachel's left hand travelled from Quinn's chest and down her arm and lowered her mouth to her ribs. She kissed and sucked until an area was deep red.
Quinn pulled Rachel back into a kiss, swallowing thickly before their lips met again. It felt the way drinking a strong cup of tea did; like she was swallowing feelings more than anything. She couldn’t describe it any clearer than that.
* * *
“Have you fixed my dress yet?” Rachel asked. “I want to wear it soon. I found a necklace that goes perfectly.”
“Which dress?”
“The one you tore off me.”
Quinn met Rachel's eyes. “Oh, yeah. No, I haven’t.”
“Why not?”
“I haven’t had time?” Quinn had had plenty of time. The dress was long back to looking perfect. She just always enjoyed Rachel's reactions whenever she did anything like this.
“You said you would do it.” Rachel pointed a knife at her. “You promised me, in fact. A long time ago. And I asked you like three weeks ago and you said you were, and I do love quoting you when I know I’m right, almost finished.”
Quinn forced Rachel's hand down to cut the sandwich instead of flicking crumbs at her. “But not finished.”
Rachel frowned now. “You said it was your number one priority.”
“I wasn’t lying.”
“So why isn’t it ready for me?”
“Because we’re not Amish and don’t have to make all of our clothes? Your dress is my number one priority to fix, Rachel, because there is nothing else. I barely use that sewing machine.”
Rachel picked up her sandwich and sat down at the kitchen table, pulling one of Quinn's newsletters closer to read after she’d eaten. “I didn’t expect you to sit there and not move until you’d got gold, so to speak. I just thought you knew it was important to me, that’s all.” Rachel shrugged and pretended to flick through the Yale drama newsletter when Quinn sat down at the table next to her. “It’s fine, I can wear a different one for when my dads come to visit.”
“Why didn’t you say so? It’s hanging in the closet, ready for you to take back.”
Rachel's lips slowly and reluctantly twisted into a smile. She held Quinn's face and leaned to the side, pressing a sweet kiss against her cheek. “Thank you.”
Rachel found that keeping it together during their goodbyes was getting more difficult each time they were forced to. Dread rooted in the pit of her stomach and branched out through her body and every limb. She lingered closer to Quinn this time, holding her hand while Quinn wheeled her small case through the train station for her.
Quinn had told Rachel about the text analysis class she was thinking of signing up for, because the key elements that had her falling in love with performing were classics from the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s, and compare them to more recent classics. Rachel had encouraged her but was mostly unresponsive; looking off in the other direction at God knows what.
“Rachel,” Quinn said when she realised that she was crying. She squeezed her hand.
“I’m trying,” Rachel responded thickly. She knew how much Quinn hated it when she got upset when one of them was leaving.
“I’ll see you in two weeks.” Quinn's voice was soft. They would always switch roles at some point during their visits, be the one to complain about the lack of time they feel they have and then comfort and reassure when the tables were turned. “Okay? And I’ll call you tonight when I’ve finished at least the first chapter of that Patti LuPone book you gave me.”
Rachel shook her head, signalling for Quinn to absolutely shut her mouth because she was making it worse by trying to make it better. Quinn settled for just holding her hand until it was time to go. They’d had their real goodbye kiss in Quinn's apartment, then the elevator, and finally her car, but she still leaned in for a long, soft press of her lips against Rachel's before she told her to get home in one piece and avoid homeless 125th when the time came.
Quinn was going to tell Rachel that she hated their goodbye’s just as much as she did but she figured that already knowing how much Rachel was going to miss her didn’t make her feel any better at all. It made her feel worse. Rachel didn’t need that.
* * *
As annoying as Quinn used to find it, Rachel was right.
Underneath all the dizzying nausea there was one thing she couldn’t deny the second she arrived in town. She had changed. Going home to Lima, while Rachel's idea, had been one of the most spontaneous decisions Quinn had ever made. It had been a matter of forcing herself, booking a ticket the second she felt brave enough to so she didn’t have chance to change her mind. It had to be the morning after. There was no way she would be able to wait any longer. It had to be done as soon as possible.
Quinn sucked in a deep breath when she saw her old house.
It was like it had been both a million years ago and yesterday that she’d been there. It took less than a click of the fingers to conjure up some old feelings but instead of smothering her, she was able to break through them. With a nervous lick of her lips, Quinn straightened her shoulders and began the walk to the front door.
It had been an uneventful morning for Judy. She’d had no errands to run until the afternoon and tea with the girls wasn’t until two-thirty, so she was filling her time with vacuuming over rugs and carpets that nobody had walked over since the last time she did the housework.
Judy had never had such a powerful reaction upon opening the door to somebody before. The breath caught in her throat and her chest ached like something had been ripped out. It was her daughter looking nothing like a child and everything like a woman standing on her doorstep after nearly two years.
Quinn saw tears spring to her mother’s eyes and blinked them from her own. She didn’t look as old as Quinn had feared she would but she didn’t look the same either.
Judy’s hand shot out to Quinn's arm, touching her to make it real. “Quinnie...”
Quinn watched her mother close up almost as soon as she’d said it. Judy’s hand fell away and she blinked her tears away like they had never been there, fixing a smile on her face. She opened the door wider to let Quinn inside.
“It’s nice to see you, sweetheart. This is such a lovely surprise; I can’t wait to tell the girls.”
It was impossible not to be a little stung by the lack of a hug. “How are you?”
“Fantastic.” Judy gave Quinn the side-eyed smile as they made their way to the kitchen. “How are you? It’s been a little while since you stopped by. What’s the occasion?”
The house smelled exactly the same as it always had. Quinn had almost forgotten it.
“I wanted to see you,” Quinn said, annoyed with herself right away. “Needed to,” she amended. This was about being adult and saying things that weren’t easy. It had to be from the start or she would never be able to do it.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Judy said. “Would you like a drink?”
It was a little after midday.
“Little early for me,” Quinn declined, “but, um, I wouldn’t say no to some water.”
“That’s all I meant, sweetie.”
Quinn looked around the kitchen and noted that the only change was the clock on the wall. She wasn’t sure if it was as symbolic as Rachel would no doubt tell her it was when they spoke again.
“Not much has changed.” Quinn's fingers brushed against Judy’s when she took the bottled water. It made her eyes shoot up to her mother’s, as startlingly blue as they’d always been.
“I redecorated the entire kitchen last fall,” Judy said. “I went a shade lighter. It’s putnam ivory instead of monroe bisque. I think it brightened this entire space up. It was like a dungeon before.”
Quinn couldn’t tell the difference at all. She gave her mother a faint smile. “Looks the same.”
“You never did appreciate those kinds of things,” Judy smiled. “Trust me, to a trained eye...”
“It looks nice.” It might not look any different but Quinn knew that it was one of the nicest houses in Lima. “My kitchen is... the weirdest colour green. My roommate said I could decorate the living area if she got full control of the kitchen. Needless to say, never again.”
“You’ll have to hang a lot of things on the wall. You can almost always cover up a disastrous colour scheme with a few well-placed paintings or pictures.”
“Really?”
“Try it,” Judy said. She just looked at Quinn for a minute. “You look so grown up. It’s hard to believe how much time has passed.” It wasn’t. Time passed very slowly for Judy.
“I feel different. It’s actually why I’m here, unannounced.”
“Don’t be silly. I know you’re busy but you’re always welcome home whenever you have the time.”
Quinn put her hand on the counter, right next to Judy’s. “I fly back tonight but I was hoping we could spend the afternoon together, at least? I’m starving, so we could go to lunch and then grab some coffee?”
Judy couldn’t remember the last time Quinn had complained about being hungry so openly. Certainly not since her surgery. She shook her head. “No, I- would you mind if we stayed here? I can fix you anything you want. It’s nice to see you in the house.”
Quinn was relieved. “I’d prefer that.”
Judy smiled. “Well, let me just make a quick phone call to the girls to tell them I won’t be making it today.”
“Oh. Wait, if you already had plans...”
“My daughter is back home for the first time since she left after graduating high school. Do you really think I’d rather sit around and drink tea across town? I want to hear all about you!”
Judy set the dining room table for them to eat at. As soon as Quinn saw how far apart they were sitting, which was no further than it had always been, she moved everything of hers up the table until she could have a conversation with her mother instead of shouting to pass the salt.
“This is amazing,” Quinn said. It was her second compliment of the dish now that she was halfway through it. Judy was many things, and a good cook was one of them.
“It’s just chicken.”
“Good chicken.”
Judy sipped the water Quinn had poured in her glass. It was strange on her palette, expecting a sharpness that only came with wine. When was the last time she’d had water with a meal? “How are your-”
“Please don’t ask me how school is,” Quinn said. “Don’t ask about my classes or if I’m learning anything or if I’ve miraculously found a church. You know the answers to those questions.”
“I’m interested, sweetie.”
“But it’s all you ever ask. Believe me, it’s not that interesting. This is why I’m here.” Quinn breathed steadily. “For a reality check for both of us. Ask me something real.” Quinn watched her mother struggle with that.
“How was your flight?”
“Mom.”
Judy swallowed another sip of water, wishing she was drinking something a little stronger. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I-”
“You don’t know how to talk to me,” Quinn said. “Ask me how hard it was for me to get on that plane this morning or how it felt to knock on the door and wait for you to open it.”
“Quinn,” Judy sighed.
“Because it was hard. Coming back here was hard.”
“A little anxiety is perfectly normal, Quinn. Don’t try to make this into something it’s not. We’re not part of one of your productions at Yale.” Judy scooped some rice onto a fork. “Finish your lunch, honey. We don’t want it to get cold.”
This was the woman Quinn recognised.
“This is a production. Our entire relationship -and I use that term loosely- is a freak show. We have issues.” Quinn laughed. “The most personal thing I’ve told you in years is what colour my kitchen is.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? Can you tell me of one time I’ve willingly shared even a little part of myself with you?” There was silence. “You said you wanted to hear all about me... ask me something.”
“Why are you doing this? We were enjoying a perfectly good lunch.”
“Because a stranger calls me once a month and I hang up feeling so many things that I don’t want to feel. I can’t do it anymore.”
Judy shook her head. “Just because we’re not best friends-”
“We’re not anything,” Quinn said bluntly. “I’m not putting all of this on you. I know it’s me too. I don’t know how to talk to you, either.”
“We’re mother and daughter. A little miscommunication is nothing to fly across the country for.”
Quinn pushed her plate away. “It took me a long time to accept that things could go wrong in my life but wouldn’t define me. It took even longer to accept that not everything had to be perfect. What we’re looking at right now is not miscommunication.”
Judy warned Quinn with a single look. “I’m learning about you already. How dramatic are you these days? Honestly, sweetheart.”
“I look different to you, don’t I? That’s what you said, that I looked grown up. I feel like myself sitting here, but when we talk on the phone... it makes me feel like a child. I need you to know that I’m not her anymore.”
“I do know that.”
“You don’t act like it.” Quinn watched Judy begin to be affected. It was what she’d been waiting for. “Did you miss me?”
Judy inhaled deeply at the question. “Of course I did!”
“Why didn’t you hug me at the door?” Quinn asked softly.
“You didn’t look like you wanted one.”
“You shouldn’t have been thinking about what I wanted. You shouldn’t have thought at all. It should have been a natural reaction.” Quinn felt sick now. She looked to her water glass and wished there was something stronger inside. Her stomach turned when she saw Judy doing the same thing. They were hideously alike sometimes. “Whatever our relationship has been like in the past, you never thought twice to hugging me.”
“I’ve had a cold recently,” Judy shrugged.
“Is that why you didn’t call me last week?”
Judy felt exposed under Quinn's strong gaze. “Yes.”
“Or was it because of what we talked about the last time you called me?”
“You told me you didn’t want a baby any time soon,” Judy said. “That’s the most personal thing you’ve told me in years, not the colour of your kitchen.”
“And you don’t agree?”
“You choose when you have another child, Quinn. If you don’t feel ready for one yet, that’s not my place to convince you otherwise.”
“A cold wouldn’t have stopped you calling,” Quinn said. It was a weak excuse and there was no way she bought it. “It was something I said.”
Judy was still picking at her lunch. “It wasn’t anything you said.”
“Don’t insult me. If you’re going to act like I don’t exist unless I drop in on you like this, at least have the decency to tell me why.” Quinn had been a moment away from losing her temper when she noticed her mother’s hand shaking. She covered it with her own. “Mom...”
Judy pulled her hand away. “You have never once called me first,” she said. “You walked away and never looked back. I’ve called you first every single time since the month you left. It makes me feel like... well, you’ve had a small taste of what that feels like.”
“I had to break away from this place, from everything that would have kept me from moving forward. I didn’t mean for it to hurt you.”
“Thank you for that,” Judy said, her tone heavily laced with sarcasm.
Quinn looked at her mother’s hand and breathed past the pressure in her chest. “Why won’t you touch me?”
Judy studied Quinn's face. The change in her was incredible. “I know you’re not the same girl you were in high school, Quinnie. If we’d have had this conversation on the phone, it might not have sunk in quite as deeply.”
“Answer me.”
“Do you still pray?”
Quinn sighed. “Sometimes.”
“And do you wear your necklace?”
“Sometimes.”
Judy folded her napkin. “Well, that’s something at least. God will forgive almost anything, sweetheart. You know that.” Judy chose her words carefully. “And it goes without saying that I’m happy you’re here. I’ll admit that this place gets a little lonely sometimes. If you’d like me to try harder to get to know you, I will. And I promise to you right now that I’ll never pry when it comes to your personal life again. When you find a gentleman you’re ready to settle down with, you can introduce me to him then. I don’t want to know about any of the others.”
Quinn felt her heart thundering inside her ribcage so wildly that it might as well have been causing internal damage. “What if I wanted you to? I mean, not now... Someday?”
Judy shook her head. “That’s not necessary. All I need to know is the man you choose. The rest are so... unimportant after you marry. You’ll understand that one day.” While Quinn was frowning, looking at her in a way she couldn’t quite read, Judy stood from her seat and took their plates. “I can’t manage any more of this, so let me get rid of these and then we can get that coffee, okay, sweetie?”
The rest of the afternoon was strange but Quinn could see that progress had been made. She hadn’t been expecting a miracle by all means. At one point she had reached for her cross but felt a different necklace around her neck instead. It was becoming more and more frequent to reach for it these days, especially with the changes that had happened with her and Rachel.
Judy didn’t make a move to hug her, so Quinn didn’t ask her to. She would have to work her way back up to that. After Quinn said goodbye at the door, she turned back.
“I missed you.”
That was what broke Judy in the end. She nodded, tears pooled in her eyes. No-one had said that to her in years. “I missed you too.”
Chapter 4