and how do you deal...
i'm stuck in some strange spot that i've never really been in before. while i've dealt with death before - my grandmother, kevin, my brother's close friend, and my aunt, who blessed us with this wonderful apartment, and my cousin - i have never dealt with one quite like this before. as much as i think about dina and as much as i'm surrounded by her (pictures on my desk, paddle right by my bed, pictures on my computer, sorority stuff, memories), it still doesn't feel real. i know i had to send the most difficult e-mail and make the most difficult calls i've ever had to send/make. i know i attended the funeral last week. i know i placed a heap of dirt on her casket. i know i was there and at that moment it felt so real. at that moment, i finally realized what was going on; it finally hit me and i let my 'tough guy' guard down to grieve, to be sad, to be devastated, to be heart broken. i have never cried so hard as i did that day - especially in front of other people - and i never felt so relient on my sisters. but as these days continue and as i finally pick up where i left off - school, papers, work, meetings - i'm starting to feel like it never happened. once again.
i'm going through periods of really happy, just-want-to-be-alone stages. i'll go to class everyday and work and talk to friends and do all the normal things, and i'll be happy, all smiles, and absolutely fine. then i'll have one random thought-or the thought will always be in the back of my mind-and that will send me back and put me into a mood where all i want to do is just go home and watch tv in bed.
for someone like me, i think dealing with things like these - i'll say it, dealing with death - isn't as easy as i try to make it. and while it's never easy for anyone and while it probably will never get any easier, i feel like it might be a little different with me. i dont really know how to grieve, not that there's a set or proper way. and i don't really know how to talk about it. i'm non-confrontational when it comes to this, even with myself (if that makes any sense). and when i begin to think about it, even when im alone, i just think its silly - imagine her family, imagine people who are going through far worse things, imagine how selfish i am for wanting to talk about this or for still being so affected when others can easily move on and do normal things. i think of people like my lola who has been through it all - her husband, her siblings (one from war), her parents, her friends, etc - and i think maybe i'm just making a bigger thing out of something that shouldn't be so big at all, you know? i won't talk to anyone because i wouldn't even know where to begin. and, of course, i wouldn't want to put anyone through that. what would they have to say anyway? and what would i say? i can barely make sense of it in my head. there's only so much one could say and i suppose theres only so much i can say til the conversation comes to a standstill and ends right where it began...i guess theres a time when dealing is more based on the individual, even though there are so many outlets to turn to.
it's weird because...i find myself wanting to look at her picture and wanting to listen to songs that remind me of her. it's like i'm waiting for something that - i know deep down - will never happen. i check her facebook to look at her picture and i hope - i hope so damn hard - that i'll get an e-mail from her saying everythings okay. today i was thinking how i would do things differently, even if i was just given one more week with her. i keep on thinking that things will be okay once the fall semester starts, but its not like she'll be coming back - i keep on holding out and wishing with false hopes...
in thinking about all this, i've gotten so cynical about things. i wonder what the point is, for everything. why do we work our butts off in school to end up doing bullshit work for some bullshit company? why do we aspire to have the house, the fortune, the perfect family - when all that stuff is pretty much meaningless in the long run? we're all going to die someday - thats for certain - so then what's the difference in how we live now? who knows when we'll go anyway. one wrong turn, one mistake, one accident - anything could negate all of our hard work and just end it. right there.
so whats the point?
i keep on going back and forth, back on forth. i could picture people just saying "oh dont think that way, thats so jaded. or learn to have faith." etc etc etc. even i tell myself that. but maybe its because each time something like this happens, a little optimistic, happy, faithful piece of me burns and turns to dust and wonders what the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK.
im fully aware that life goes on. and im aware that this is probably part of some process where the questions will eventually pass, and good old happy life will continue. but at the moment, i didnt want to ignore the thoughts floating around in my head and i didnt want to sugar coat any of my feelings... so i guess that's that.
i'm going through periods of really happy, just-want-to-be-alone stages. i'll go to class everyday and work and talk to friends and do all the normal things, and i'll be happy, all smiles, and absolutely fine. then i'll have one random thought-or the thought will always be in the back of my mind-and that will send me back and put me into a mood where all i want to do is just go home and watch tv in bed.
for someone like me, i think dealing with things like these - i'll say it, dealing with death - isn't as easy as i try to make it. and while it's never easy for anyone and while it probably will never get any easier, i feel like it might be a little different with me. i dont really know how to grieve, not that there's a set or proper way. and i don't really know how to talk about it. i'm non-confrontational when it comes to this, even with myself (if that makes any sense). and when i begin to think about it, even when im alone, i just think its silly - imagine her family, imagine people who are going through far worse things, imagine how selfish i am for wanting to talk about this or for still being so affected when others can easily move on and do normal things. i think of people like my lola who has been through it all - her husband, her siblings (one from war), her parents, her friends, etc - and i think maybe i'm just making a bigger thing out of something that shouldn't be so big at all, you know? i won't talk to anyone because i wouldn't even know where to begin. and, of course, i wouldn't want to put anyone through that. what would they have to say anyway? and what would i say? i can barely make sense of it in my head. there's only so much one could say and i suppose theres only so much i can say til the conversation comes to a standstill and ends right where it began...i guess theres a time when dealing is more based on the individual, even though there are so many outlets to turn to.
it's weird because...i find myself wanting to look at her picture and wanting to listen to songs that remind me of her. it's like i'm waiting for something that - i know deep down - will never happen. i check her facebook to look at her picture and i hope - i hope so damn hard - that i'll get an e-mail from her saying everythings okay. today i was thinking how i would do things differently, even if i was just given one more week with her. i keep on thinking that things will be okay once the fall semester starts, but its not like she'll be coming back - i keep on holding out and wishing with false hopes...
in thinking about all this, i've gotten so cynical about things. i wonder what the point is, for everything. why do we work our butts off in school to end up doing bullshit work for some bullshit company? why do we aspire to have the house, the fortune, the perfect family - when all that stuff is pretty much meaningless in the long run? we're all going to die someday - thats for certain - so then what's the difference in how we live now? who knows when we'll go anyway. one wrong turn, one mistake, one accident - anything could negate all of our hard work and just end it. right there.
so whats the point?
i keep on going back and forth, back on forth. i could picture people just saying "oh dont think that way, thats so jaded. or learn to have faith." etc etc etc. even i tell myself that. but maybe its because each time something like this happens, a little optimistic, happy, faithful piece of me burns and turns to dust and wonders what the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK.
im fully aware that life goes on. and im aware that this is probably part of some process where the questions will eventually pass, and good old happy life will continue. but at the moment, i didnt want to ignore the thoughts floating around in my head and i didnt want to sugar coat any of my feelings... so i guess that's that.