Pain....
Why can't I get rid of this pain I feel. It has been over two years since my marriage ended and I can't get over it like I want to. I find myself thinking about her occasionally. I wonder what she's doing, what she's thinking, is she thinking about me, ever. I should move on, and I have tried, but the way it ended, the things that ended it were just ridiculous.
She wanted to move back to Lehigh to be with her family and to have a child. Well, she did and it wasn't with me. She has a 10 month old daughter now and a new husband and is having a house built. I have bills and weight to loss and am still in the apartment we once shared.
I think about what made me unhappy at that time and think maybe things are better this way. Then I think things should not have ended that way. I had a dream before our marriage ended about our marriage ending and I woke up crying. It was, at the time, the worst feeling I could have ever imagined. I didn't tell her or anyone else about that. Although my love never waivered and neither one of us ever cheated, to my knowledge, I could have been a better husband.
I made contact recently using the excuse of needing an address to forward mail, but I really just wanted to see what she was doing and how she was. I wish I had not have done that. My heart started racing when she responded then it hurt really bad when she told me how wonderful her life is now. It is clear she is way past me.
I really need to get over this, it affects my relationships with friends and family. I don't see my parents as much because I am afraid of running into her or her family. I sneak in and out of town late at night, don't go see old friends and choose the few places I go based on where she shouldn't be. My grandma doesn't know that I am divorced and is wondering when I will have a child. I don't want to be hurt again so I close myself off to new relationships. I really can't trust anyone not to hurt me again.
I wonder why I had to go through this, or if I wasted my opportunity to have happiness. I wonder if I will find happiness again. I always said I would only marry once; choose your words wisely people they can bless and curse you all at once.
Grass is always greener...you win some you lose some...whatever, whatever. Pain at least let's me know I'm alive and I know I really loved someone once.
She wanted to move back to Lehigh to be with her family and to have a child. Well, she did and it wasn't with me. She has a 10 month old daughter now and a new husband and is having a house built. I have bills and weight to loss and am still in the apartment we once shared.
I think about what made me unhappy at that time and think maybe things are better this way. Then I think things should not have ended that way. I had a dream before our marriage ended about our marriage ending and I woke up crying. It was, at the time, the worst feeling I could have ever imagined. I didn't tell her or anyone else about that. Although my love never waivered and neither one of us ever cheated, to my knowledge, I could have been a better husband.
I made contact recently using the excuse of needing an address to forward mail, but I really just wanted to see what she was doing and how she was. I wish I had not have done that. My heart started racing when she responded then it hurt really bad when she told me how wonderful her life is now. It is clear she is way past me.
I really need to get over this, it affects my relationships with friends and family. I don't see my parents as much because I am afraid of running into her or her family. I sneak in and out of town late at night, don't go see old friends and choose the few places I go based on where she shouldn't be. My grandma doesn't know that I am divorced and is wondering when I will have a child. I don't want to be hurt again so I close myself off to new relationships. I really can't trust anyone not to hurt me again.
I wonder why I had to go through this, or if I wasted my opportunity to have happiness. I wonder if I will find happiness again. I always said I would only marry once; choose your words wisely people they can bless and curse you all at once.
Grass is always greener...you win some you lose some...whatever, whatever. Pain at least let's me know I'm alive and I know I really loved someone once.