I Wish I Were a Fish...
So, long time no update, right? Well, In short, all the usual excuses: work, drinking, general laziness.
I've come to several conclusions over the past couple of months. First and foremost, I hate summer. In the past three years I haven't even had what could remotely be considered a "good summer". This one was perhaps the worst out of the three in many ways; I'm still having problems dealing with the events that transpired.
The real problem is that I've been conditioned to believe that summer is a time for opportunity and fresh starts. Summertime is supposed to be the time when I get to hang out with my friends who have been too busy at school, the time when I get to have a vacation, the time when I can relax. Crawfish is in season and beer tastes better in devastating NOLA heat. But it never seems to work out that way...
Instead, I end up seeing less of most of the people I'd like to see, I work the same that I do all year long (if not more), and I run an emotional gauntlet that leaves me feeling empty and lost and confused and stupid. Extrememly fucking stupid.
How long am I going to keep making the wrong decisions in life? Or was it really just one bad decision and all of this is a consequence of something else? I honestly don't know and am getting completely fed up because absolutely NOTHING works out for me in the end. Sometimes it's close, but not quite there. Other times it's just flat out wrong. It used to make me angry. Really, really angry. Now it just makes me tired.
Oh fucking well. It's about time that I really started to accept some of this blame for myself, I guess. I consistantly leave myself vulnerable by placing too much faith in things that aren't going to workout. I need to be realistic and I need to be honest with myself. But where do I go from here? What the hell am I supposed to do now? I wish someone would tell me.
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Good things that make me happy:
Movies at Canal Place - Yes, pretentious indy movies and what have you. Actually the location of the theatre is convenient for me. If I really have to get out of my appartment, I can always catch a matinee. It's a great way to kill a couple hours. Recently I've seen "Little Miss Sunshine" and "The Illusionist", both excellent films. LMS made me laugh and then want to cry. Great acting, especially Steve Carrell. The Illsuionist had both Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti in it. It was a solid film with very strong acting, but perhaps lacking in direction. The flashback scenes look amateur, and the ending being so completely obvious really doesn't need to be as detailed as it is. Kind of short, too.
Music - I got my CD's back from Joe!!! If you don't know why Joe Roach was in possession of my CD's for the better part of a year, then ask me sometime and I'll tell you. I really had no idea how much I missed my music. I love the fact that however I'm feeling or whatever I'm doing, I can always find the music that best suits me. And now I've got an urge to hear so much more. I bought an album by a band called The Thermals and love it. Deff. a post punk sound. Angry but intelligent. Restrained at some points. Really captures a fed up mentality.
Beer - Oh beer. My best friend. Actually, I've been trying to learn more about beer from this guy Steve at Club D. He knows more about beer then anybody I've ever met before, and he's a really cool guy. He's having a tasting and party at his place in a month and he invited me. Should be a lot of fun. It's nice to get out of the uptown area. Thinking that when Derek leaves I want to move to a bigger place closer downtown. I would of course need to convince Noah of this. We'll see what happens come May.
Work - Contrary to what people may say, I really like my job. It's hard sometimes and frustrating at times, but not nearly as hard or frustrating as the majority of my life. Working at Bubba's is really my escape. It's a place that I'm completely comfortable at. I like the people there and I like bartending. Plus, the money is good.
---------
Well, that's about all I'm going to say now. Kind of a rant. Thanks for whoever reads this. Please comment. Feedback. Oh, and if Amanda reads this, I lost your number. Sorry. Just leave it as a comment and I'll call you.
I've come to several conclusions over the past couple of months. First and foremost, I hate summer. In the past three years I haven't even had what could remotely be considered a "good summer". This one was perhaps the worst out of the three in many ways; I'm still having problems dealing with the events that transpired.
The real problem is that I've been conditioned to believe that summer is a time for opportunity and fresh starts. Summertime is supposed to be the time when I get to hang out with my friends who have been too busy at school, the time when I get to have a vacation, the time when I can relax. Crawfish is in season and beer tastes better in devastating NOLA heat. But it never seems to work out that way...
Instead, I end up seeing less of most of the people I'd like to see, I work the same that I do all year long (if not more), and I run an emotional gauntlet that leaves me feeling empty and lost and confused and stupid. Extrememly fucking stupid.
How long am I going to keep making the wrong decisions in life? Or was it really just one bad decision and all of this is a consequence of something else? I honestly don't know and am getting completely fed up because absolutely NOTHING works out for me in the end. Sometimes it's close, but not quite there. Other times it's just flat out wrong. It used to make me angry. Really, really angry. Now it just makes me tired.
Oh fucking well. It's about time that I really started to accept some of this blame for myself, I guess. I consistantly leave myself vulnerable by placing too much faith in things that aren't going to workout. I need to be realistic and I need to be honest with myself. But where do I go from here? What the hell am I supposed to do now? I wish someone would tell me.
-----
Good things that make me happy:
Movies at Canal Place - Yes, pretentious indy movies and what have you. Actually the location of the theatre is convenient for me. If I really have to get out of my appartment, I can always catch a matinee. It's a great way to kill a couple hours. Recently I've seen "Little Miss Sunshine" and "The Illusionist", both excellent films. LMS made me laugh and then want to cry. Great acting, especially Steve Carrell. The Illsuionist had both Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti in it. It was a solid film with very strong acting, but perhaps lacking in direction. The flashback scenes look amateur, and the ending being so completely obvious really doesn't need to be as detailed as it is. Kind of short, too.
Music - I got my CD's back from Joe!!! If you don't know why Joe Roach was in possession of my CD's for the better part of a year, then ask me sometime and I'll tell you. I really had no idea how much I missed my music. I love the fact that however I'm feeling or whatever I'm doing, I can always find the music that best suits me. And now I've got an urge to hear so much more. I bought an album by a band called The Thermals and love it. Deff. a post punk sound. Angry but intelligent. Restrained at some points. Really captures a fed up mentality.
Beer - Oh beer. My best friend. Actually, I've been trying to learn more about beer from this guy Steve at Club D. He knows more about beer then anybody I've ever met before, and he's a really cool guy. He's having a tasting and party at his place in a month and he invited me. Should be a lot of fun. It's nice to get out of the uptown area. Thinking that when Derek leaves I want to move to a bigger place closer downtown. I would of course need to convince Noah of this. We'll see what happens come May.
Work - Contrary to what people may say, I really like my job. It's hard sometimes and frustrating at times, but not nearly as hard or frustrating as the majority of my life. Working at Bubba's is really my escape. It's a place that I'm completely comfortable at. I like the people there and I like bartending. Plus, the money is good.
---------
Well, that's about all I'm going to say now. Kind of a rant. Thanks for whoever reads this. Please comment. Feedback. Oh, and if Amanda reads this, I lost your number. Sorry. Just leave it as a comment and I'll call you.