"Autopsy of a Dead Relationship" by capecodgirl
Title: "Autopsy of a Dead Relationship"
Author: capecodgirl
Challenge: "Secrets and Lies" (Amnesty 2008)
Characters: Tony (angsty)
Rating: All
Spoilers: Seasons 3-5
Disclaimer: not mine, no money, the muses have been bugging me to write this one for awhile
not beta'd, all mistakes are mine.
My muse has been very angsty writing about Tony during S4-S5. I'm not sure why.
"I wish I'd never met you".
The elevator doors snicked shut with finality as Tony watched the tears fall down Jeanne's face.
He didn't blame her, he wished that she'd never met him either. He wished he'd not fallen in love with her. But there wasn't a hell of a lot he could do to pick up the pieces of this mess.
He laughed bitterly to himself. He remembered Kate's pronouncements of karmic payback. Well he was getting it in spades. The playboy lifestyle allowed for those little white lies so necessary to soothe the fragile female ego when Tony broke up with his casual flings. But Jeanne was a different matter all together. He'd lied to her when told her that she didn't mean anything to him, that he didn't love her, and that everything was part of the undercover operation.
Tony cursed all the evil stars that had aligned to get him in this situation. He mentally cursed Gibbs for leaving. Jenny would never have dared approach him for an undercover operation if Gibbs hadn't fled to Mexico for those four months. He mentally cursed Jenny for involving him in her personal vendetta. It was now obvious to him that she didn't care how many people were ruined in her quest to exact her revenge on La Grenouille.
But mostly he cursed himself for the rookie mistake of getting too involved in an undercover operation. "Be a man." Ziva had hissed at him. He'd wanted to shout at her that she couldn't possibly understand what he was going through, but he knew that wasn't true. Ziva was no novice in the rough and tumble, dangerous world of undercover operations.
He had destroyed Jeanne's ability to trust anyone again in a relationship. She would always question a person's motives for wanting to get close to her. He had broken her heart, her spirit, and her ability to unconditionally love another. In retrospect, Tony wasn't surprised that she had tried to frame him. He was the symbol of the destruction of her family.
He knew also that she would hold him responsible for the death of her father. Not just his physical death, but also the death of her love and respect for the man. No one liked to have their image of a parent shattered, especially to be forced to acknowledge that their beloved parent was an international criminal buying and selling the horrors of war and making money off the blood of thousands of innocent victims.
Tony had been responsible for her father coming to NCIS. La Grenouille had seen Tony as a conduit to getting protection. Too bad La Grenouille had picked the wrong agency to surrender to. In that respect too Tony had also failed Jeanne. Tony had failed to protect her father, who had approached him that day when the house of cards that was their relationship fell apart.
Tony looked briefly over to the bullpen where the rest of the team sat. McGee was studiously avoiding looking at Tony. Tony appreciated McGee's attempt to give Tony some space. Ziva looked at Tony and nodded. Tony decided he was too emotionally exhausted to get mad at her superior attitude. Lastly Tony looked at Gibbs. He was surprised to see that Gibbs was watching him, concern on his face. The look only lasted a moment, but during that moment Tony also saw a flash of empathy and understanding in Gibb's eyes. They were kindred spirits in that way - both had gotten too deep in undercover operations, been betrayed by Jenny, and then kicked to the curb after the operation had fallen apart.
Gibbs deliberately kept eye contact with Tony until Gibbs sat down and picked up the phone. A not-so-subtle message that it was time to get back to work.
Tony closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. In his mind he mentally put the undercover persona of "Tony Dinardo" into an empty room. He then put all the memories of that undercover operation in there. Lastly he thought of Jeanne, took all the feelings her image generated, and he put those in the room as well. He closed the door and locked it. Just to be safe he bricked up the wall. Tony smiled wryly to himself that maybe the brick wall was overkill, but with all the emotions involved, he thought it justified.
"I wish I'd never met you."
Like Jeanne, he would work on pretending to do just that.
Author: capecodgirl
Challenge: "Secrets and Lies" (Amnesty 2008)
Characters: Tony (angsty)
Rating: All
Spoilers: Seasons 3-5
Disclaimer: not mine, no money, the muses have been bugging me to write this one for awhile
not beta'd, all mistakes are mine.
My muse has been very angsty writing about Tony during S4-S5. I'm not sure why.
"I wish I'd never met you".
The elevator doors snicked shut with finality as Tony watched the tears fall down Jeanne's face.
He didn't blame her, he wished that she'd never met him either. He wished he'd not fallen in love with her. But there wasn't a hell of a lot he could do to pick up the pieces of this mess.
He laughed bitterly to himself. He remembered Kate's pronouncements of karmic payback. Well he was getting it in spades. The playboy lifestyle allowed for those little white lies so necessary to soothe the fragile female ego when Tony broke up with his casual flings. But Jeanne was a different matter all together. He'd lied to her when told her that she didn't mean anything to him, that he didn't love her, and that everything was part of the undercover operation.
Tony cursed all the evil stars that had aligned to get him in this situation. He mentally cursed Gibbs for leaving. Jenny would never have dared approach him for an undercover operation if Gibbs hadn't fled to Mexico for those four months. He mentally cursed Jenny for involving him in her personal vendetta. It was now obvious to him that she didn't care how many people were ruined in her quest to exact her revenge on La Grenouille.
But mostly he cursed himself for the rookie mistake of getting too involved in an undercover operation. "Be a man." Ziva had hissed at him. He'd wanted to shout at her that she couldn't possibly understand what he was going through, but he knew that wasn't true. Ziva was no novice in the rough and tumble, dangerous world of undercover operations.
He had destroyed Jeanne's ability to trust anyone again in a relationship. She would always question a person's motives for wanting to get close to her. He had broken her heart, her spirit, and her ability to unconditionally love another. In retrospect, Tony wasn't surprised that she had tried to frame him. He was the symbol of the destruction of her family.
He knew also that she would hold him responsible for the death of her father. Not just his physical death, but also the death of her love and respect for the man. No one liked to have their image of a parent shattered, especially to be forced to acknowledge that their beloved parent was an international criminal buying and selling the horrors of war and making money off the blood of thousands of innocent victims.
Tony had been responsible for her father coming to NCIS. La Grenouille had seen Tony as a conduit to getting protection. Too bad La Grenouille had picked the wrong agency to surrender to. In that respect too Tony had also failed Jeanne. Tony had failed to protect her father, who had approached him that day when the house of cards that was their relationship fell apart.
Tony looked briefly over to the bullpen where the rest of the team sat. McGee was studiously avoiding looking at Tony. Tony appreciated McGee's attempt to give Tony some space. Ziva looked at Tony and nodded. Tony decided he was too emotionally exhausted to get mad at her superior attitude. Lastly Tony looked at Gibbs. He was surprised to see that Gibbs was watching him, concern on his face. The look only lasted a moment, but during that moment Tony also saw a flash of empathy and understanding in Gibb's eyes. They were kindred spirits in that way - both had gotten too deep in undercover operations, been betrayed by Jenny, and then kicked to the curb after the operation had fallen apart.
Gibbs deliberately kept eye contact with Tony until Gibbs sat down and picked up the phone. A not-so-subtle message that it was time to get back to work.
Tony closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. In his mind he mentally put the undercover persona of "Tony Dinardo" into an empty room. He then put all the memories of that undercover operation in there. Lastly he thought of Jeanne, took all the feelings her image generated, and he put those in the room as well. He closed the door and locked it. Just to be safe he bricked up the wall. Tony smiled wryly to himself that maybe the brick wall was overkill, but with all the emotions involved, he thought it justified.
"I wish I'd never met you."
Like Jeanne, he would work on pretending to do just that.