Gone Are The Days (3/6)
three
Over the next few days, Jared and Jensen fell into an uncomfortable routine.
Jensen showered on a morning, Jared on an evening, and aside from family meals eaten around the kitchen table, they had very little to do with one another.
It was a far cry from the relationship that they'd once shared, where being friends had been as easy as breathing. Jensen could remember evenings spent under the fading rays of the Texas sun, rough and tumble in the dusty plains, sneaking out of foster homes with a bottle of Jack and 'borrowing' their foster parents cars for a day out at the lakes. He could remember laughter and joking and Jared smiling, easy and wide, eyes sparkling with mischief and joy.
Their relationship now had become stilted and awkward. Despite Jensen's initial determination to make amends with the boy who'd once been his best friend, he'd quickly discovered that he had no idea what to start. He was almost relieved that Jared would be unable to start school with them until after the holidays - allowing Jensen a few hours of respite, at least.
For the first time that he could remember, he found himself genuinely dreading his nightly return to the Ackles household, and it felt like a betrayal to both Jared - who had never asked for any of this - and to Donna, whom he'd promised faithfully that thinks would be okay. That he and Jared could fix what had gone wrong between them and go back to being friends.
He was beginning to wonder whether that would ever be a possibility for the two of them.
Even when he'd turned his back and walked away from the younger boy, he'd done it on the assumption that - one day - they'd be friends again, because it had seemed inevitable at the time. They'd had arguments before, few and far between though they were, and they'd always found their way back to each other. It wasn't until months later, two foster homes and four hundred miles between them, that Jensen had stopped to consider that he might have been wrong.
By then it had been too little, too late, and he'd resolved himself to move on. He was ashamed to admit that, after he'd moved in with the Ackles, Jared had fallen further and further from his thoughts - never gone, but distant enough that Jensen like to pretend he'd forgotten, that he didn't care anymore. And then the kid had shown up on their front door step, and two years of pretending that he didn't care anymore were made redundant in a heartbeat.
Jared was undoubtedly a different person than he had been the last time that they'd seen each other, and so was Jensen, and the young man simply couldn't find a way to bridge the gap that had grown between them.
His attempts at starting conversations were shot down almost immediately by one-word answers or a brief nod or headshake; invitations to the cinema, the swimming pool, the lakes and to grab pizza had all been shot down.
In the end, it was Donna that forced them together, a knowing twinkle in her eye when she handed Jensen a grocery list and politely asked if Jared wouldn't mind tagging along to help. For a moment, Jensen was sure that the kid was going to try and come up with some excuse as to why he couldn't go. In the end, the same old foster kid 'help as much as I can' mentality worked in Jensen's favour, and after a reluctant glance at the older boy, Jared nodded his head.
Jensen didn't pressure him to talk on the way there, turning up the volume on the radio a little in an attempt to ease the somewhat awkward silence lingering between them. For his part, Jared seemed content to say nothing, facing resolutely out of the passenger side window and never so much as flickering his eyes in Jensen's direction.
Jensen wondered if it was anger or stubbornness driving the kid to ensure that his tight mask never slipped, or if it was a hot wash of betrayal in the pit of his stomach.
He eased the truck into a parking space, and saw Jared's entire body stiffen when he made no move to climb out of the vehicle, letting his hands clench and unclench around the steering wheel as he tried to gather the courage to talk.
"Don't."
Jensen flinched, glancing at the teenager sat next to him. Jared was still staring out of the passenger side window, but his hands were white-knuckled on the door handle, and he was trembling slightly.
"I-" Jensen started, but the kid cut him off again, wrenching his door open and dropping out onto the smooth asphalt of the parking lot. He hesitated there, in the gap between the open truck door and his seat, and met Jensen's eyes for only a second. The cold winter air surged into the car, making Jensen grateful for his thick jacket, but Jared didn't seem fazed.
"I'm here because Donna asked me to help," He said firmly. "Not because I want to have a deep and meaningful conversation in the supermarket parking lot."
Jensen scowled, letting a familiar surge of frustration swell up, manifest itself in the harsh sigh that pushed free of his lips. Jared had always been one of the most frustrating people in his life - even when he was open and constantly laughing, he'd been more closed off than most people had a right to be.
Back then, Jensen hadn't let it slide so much as once. He didn't intend to start now.
Rolling his eyes, he tugged the keys free of the truck's ignition, dropping down onto the asphalt and swinging his truck door shut. Jared was already on the move - a few steps ahead of the older boy; close enough that Jensen could point him in the right direction, and yet far enough away to ward off conversation.
Sighing, Jensen snagged a shopping cart and followed him inside the air-conditioned building, tugging the grocery list free of his jeans pocket. Logically, the fastest way to accomplish their task would probably be some kind of labour of division - perhaps tearing the list in half and heading off in their own directions. Jensen didn't even consider it.
Instead, he aimed the cart towards the far aisle and - when screaming children and harassed looking parents forced Jared to reluctantly close the gap between them in fear of them getting separated, forced himself to relax.
"I figured we'd just do it aisle by aisle, if that's okay." Jensen told Jared amicably, watching the way that the younger man's clenched and released at his sides. He didn't know whether it was general nervousness at being around so many people, which had never been one of Jared's favourite pastimes, or irritation at Jensen himself.
He didn't much care to find out.
"You're not gonna let us just get through this and go home without this being a big deal, are you?" Jared sighed, hand deftly grabbing the side of the cart and nudging it out of the path of a small child that Jensen hadn't even noticed. The kid's mom shot Jared a grateful look, glowering slightly at Jensen as she passed, as if Jensen had made a conscious decision to mow the small child down.
Jensen forced himself to grin. "Nope, not gonna happen. Can you grab two cartons of milk?"
He paused to grab a few variety packs of youghurt, tossing them into the cart at the same time as Jared returned with the milk.
"Okay," Jensen started evenly, pausing to toss some butter into the cart. "So I kind of wanted to say that I was sorry for being a ridiculously huge asshole."
Jared's face registered a flicker of surprise. "Wait, what?"
Something told Jensen that the two of them hadn't exactly been on the same page when Jared had realised that they were going to have a heartfelt, meaningful discussion.
"Apologise," Jensen repeated. "That night in the park, I had no right to talk to you the way that I did. I honestly don't even know what I was thinking, you know? I think part of me really was trying to protect you, but part of me was just jealous-"
Jared cut him off, shaking his head. "It's seriously not that big a deal."
"Yeah," Jensen frowned. "It is. Some of the things I said-"
"Jensen, we've both been in and out of crappy foster homes for most of our lives. I've had much worse things said to me before." He reasoned, as if that made it all okay - as if the fact that he'd been shouted at and sworn at for most of his life somehow made it less important that Jensen had done the very same thing.
"Not from me."
Jared shrugged. "It was bound to come out eventually, right?"
Jensen felt more than a little sick, hands shaking where they were gripping the handle of the cart, because this was not the reaction that he'd been expecting. He'd have been so much happier with the way that this whole thing was headed if the kid had been angry.
"Jared," He said quietly, grabbing the kid's sleeve when he made to dart across the aisle and grab a packet of sugar. The younger boy jerked to a stop, looking more than a little surprised, but he didn't move to twist his wrist out of Jensen's grip like most other people in his situation would have. "You know that what I said was complete crap, right? I didn't mean it."
Jared rolled his eyes, but he looked tense now. Uncomfortable.
"Seriously," He said, tersely. "It's not a big deal, Jensen. I deserved it, okay? I know that. Just do us both a favour and drop it. Okay?"
He did pull free then, dropped the sugar in the bottom of the cart a second later, and Jensen pushed it forwards almost on autopilot, unable to believe what he'd just heard.
One thing was for sure - whatever Jared had in his head about it being okay, he was a hundred percent wrong, and suddenly Jensen needed him to understand that.
When he opened his mouth to speak, Jared cut him off, snagging the list out of his hands and tearing it in half.
"Here," he said, pressing the top half into Jensen's hands and trying to hand the way that his own were shaking. "I'll take this half, it'll be quicker. I'll meet by by the registers when I'm done."
He didn't wait for Jensen to say anything, just spun out of the aisle and didn't look back, leaving Jensen alone with a shopping cart and a hell of a lot of memories that he'd rather forget.
***
Donna caught up with him after dinner, offering him a small smile as she sank onto the end of the young man's bed.
"So," She said evenly. "Did the two of you talk?"
Jensen ducked his head and shrugged, fingering along the edges of a dog-eared copy of Bram Stoker's Dracula. On the inside of the front cover, Jared's name was written in a familiar cursive. The kid had given it to him to read a few weeks before the fight, and it had never made it back into his possession - remembering the way that Jared used to fawn over it, carry it around in his backpack like some kind of good luck charm, Jensen felt more than a little guilty about that.
"Kind of," He offered quietly. "Didn't really get anywhere, though."
Donna shifted a little, resting a hand on her adoptive son's knee, and when she spoke she was as sincere as he'd ever heard her. "I'm sorry, Jensen. I hoped that with some time away from the rest of us, you two might be able to reconcile whatever differences you have. I never meant to make you this upset."
"No," The seventeen-year-old shook his head. "This isn't your fault. It was a good idea - even worked, to some extent, it's just that..."
He trailed off, unsure how to continue, and shrugged his shoulders helplessly.
Donna squeezed his knee gently, and there was a brief hesitation before she spoke again.
"Can I ask you something?" She said carefully, and Jensen's heart skipped painfully in his chest.
"You want to know why we're not friends anymore." He replied, glancing up through his lashes at the woman who had taken him in when nobody else would; who had done everything she could to make him realise that he wasn't just some throw-away kid, but that he had somewhere he belonged. It wasn't a question, but she nodded nonetheless.
"I'm worried," She admitted. "Jensen, did he hurt you? You know that you can tell me."
Jensen sucked in a sharp breath, surprised. "What? No! Jared would never hurt me."
She heaved an obvious sigh of relief, and Jensen felt a little sick, because here she was thinking he was the victim, and he was really anything but.
"So what happened?"
"It was me," Jensen forced out, catching her look of surprise. "I was the one who hurt him."
"Why?"
Jensen shrugged, fiddling awkwardly with the book. He wondered, absently, if he should give it back now. "I don't really know. I tried to believe that I was doing it to protect him, y'know? He had a new foster family, and he loved it with them, and he was getting more and more distant... Mostly, I think I was just jealous. Scared that he might forget about me."
Donna nodded evenly, no judgement on her face. "So what did you do?"
"We were supposed to meet at the park," He admitted quietly, for the first time since it had happened, and bit his lip against the strong sting of tears. "I can't remember why - we used to do it all of the time. Sneak out of foster homes and meet up, used to joke that nothing could keep us apart. He got there, and he looked worried, and I guess I panicked."
He paused, not sure if he could continue. Donna's soft stare gave him the confidence he needed to force the words out.
"God," He choked out, sucking in a deep breath. "The things I said to him... We knew each other so well, and everything he'd ever confessed to me - everything that I knew made him uncomfortable or upset, I threw it right back into his face. Told him that he was a waste of space, that I didn't need him any more, didn't want anything to with him. Screamed it right in his face, because I knew that it would hurt him, and he just let me do it - never even tried to defend himself."
Donna turned her head away, tears in her eyes.
"I'm sorry," Jensen blurted, suddenly filled with an age-old fear that once she knew the things he'd done she might change her mind, kick him out into the dirt after all. "I wish I could take it back, I do."
She looked up at him, offered him a soft smile, and tugged him in for a hug.
"I'm not mad at you," She whispered, and Jensen knew it was the truth, let himself sink more fully into the embrace. "I just wish you'd told me sooner."
He nodded against her collarbone, and a bitter laugh slipped free with the first of his tears.
"Me, too." He confessed miserably, sniffing loudly in a vain attempt to keep some of his dignity. "What am I supposed to do? He thinks that I mean it all - said that it would all have come out sooner or later. How can he even think that?"
Donna smiled gently, sadly, and Jensen could feel the curve of her lips against the top of his head.
"Because there was nobody there to tell him otherwise, baby," She said softly. "All he had to go on was what you said... wrong as it may have been. I hate to say it, but there's no easy fix for that. Maybe I was a little naïve sending the two of you off like I did... this is gonna take a lot more than a trip to the supermarket to fix."
Jensen snorted again.
"On the plus side," Donna added softly. "I'm pretty sure that this something that can be fixed."
***
Jared didn't come down for dinner that evening.
After Jensen had finally managed to pull himself back together, cheeks stained red with embarrassment at crying like a baby, Donna had dropped a kiss on the top of his head and slipped out of his bedroom, shutting the door behind her.
The hallway was narrow enough that he could faintly here when she knocked on the younger man's door, and the creak of the hinges was enough to let him know that she'd gone into his room. He resolved himself to do some of his Biology work, figuring she'd be in there for a while, and was more than a little surprised to hear her making her way down the hallway only moments later.
In retrospect, it probably made sense that he'd want to be alone. After their train-wreck of a conversation earlier, Jensen wasn't exactly looking forward to having to converse with the rest of his family, either, and Jared had always preferred his own company when he was feeling upset or angry.
Still, Jensen couldn't help but feel more than a little surprised when he realised that Donna hadn't put out a plate for Jared. Across from him, Megan seemed to have reached the same conclusion.
"Mom?" She asked, sounding genuinely confused. "Is Jared not feeling well or something?"
Donna smiled evenly, settling into her own seat. "No, baby - I'll take some dinner up for him later. He's got a headache, so he's taking a nap."
Jensen stomach sunk, his appetite evaporating almost completely with the realisation that he'd probably made things ten times worse for everyone - the night before, Jared had been grinning along with their antics. Today, he wouldn't even come to the dinner table.
"Jensen?" Mack asked, leaning over the table to rest a hand on her arm. "Are you feeling ill, too? Maybe its some kind of bug."
For a brief moment, Jensen considered nodding his head and going along with it. His ideas of freedom were short lived, and he shook his head.
"No," He replied firmly, forcing a smile. "I'm fine, Mack. Honest."
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