"This too shall pass"
While standing in line at Acme a few days ago I took notice of a magazine on the rack, which pictured Michael J. Fox and the quote, "Happiness is a Choice...". Without googling, I'm pretty sure that this isn't an original quote from him alone... it doesn't sound super profound so I'm many others had too come to that conclusion long before this magazine's April issue. It's to the point and It's simple. Maybe it's supposed to be that simple. I'm not sure how many times I made up my mind that today, no, "TODAY is the first day of the rest of my life!!" and, "I'm going to be happy because I deserve it and no one can stand in my way!". Unfortunately, I never follow through...
One of my many issues, and reasons why I believe keeps me from being completely happy is that I think I care too much about too many things. Honestly, I don't really even know what that means. It probably means that I'm too sensitive, I guess. There are a lot of people and situations that can ruin my day or week... things that other people usually wouldn't think to be a big deal are federal cases for me. I'm like the stereotypical chick flick woman, too sensitive for her own good... always concerned with feelings and emotions and whether or not the others in her life care about her feelings and always wanting them to express their feelings and always wanting to just talk etc etc etc.... you know. For such a long time I felt really bad about that. Really bad. I felt bad that others had to deal with me... like I'm a burden to them or at least stressful to deal with. Well, I'm not going to feel that way anymore. I'm also not going to try to change anyone to be ok with that.
Over a long period of time I've learned who the people that truly care for me are. Of course that's based on what MY idea of a good friend/partner/relationship should be like. I've tried to compromise... you have to because perhaps the other person's idea isn't exactly the same. That's fair enough. But there are some things that I feel I have to have in these relationships... and for many of them I've let a lot of these 'musts' go just because I felt it may be too much to ask of there other person. I don't think I want to anymore. I owe that to myself, I think.
Maybe some people aren't meant to be friends. No matter how hard they try, maybe they won't be able to give what the other needs. I haven't figured this out just yet. It's not good to throw away friendships with people that you want to be friends with and who actually want to be your friend, too. But what do you do when the relationship just makes you feel bad about yourself? Not just bad... but bad about the person you are? Is that fair? Who do you put first in that case? Your dear friend... or yourself?
Situations, not sure what else to refer to them as, can also be difficult. Some are easier to get out of then others. Some I've got control over and others not so much. But even those that I can so easily walk away from by doing so I'd feel like a failure. I don't feel like I'm strong anymore. There was a time when I'd consider myself a strong girl...then young woman. I could carry so much weight on my back and still keep it moving. One day I just collapsed and I've never been able to stand up again. I just need help but there doesn't seem to be anyone willing and/OR able to do just that. Or maybe I haven't met that person yet. For now I'll have to rely on myself.
Sometimes doing what is best means doing something difficult, something you won't like. But what is best? Honestly, I have no idea. I'm feeling so emotional exhausted and it's making me give up the fight to hold on to complicated situations or these people I've got complicated relationships with... not so much because I don't care, as I wouldn't hurt so much if that were true, but because I'm at a dead end. I don't know how to fix things anymore and I'm burnt out. It's easier to walk away from it all and possibly find happiness that way, but how much will that bother me in the end? I've been through that... unfinished business always comes back to haunt you in my experience.
Maybe making the decision to be happy isn't so simple, afterall. I don't think it's supposed to be, actually.... anything worth having is worth fighting for and probably doesn't get handed to you so easily. I don't know anymore though... I'm just tired. I'll figure it all out. All I know is that I can't go on with things this way anymore. But being hasty can get you into trouble sometimes. I've burned a few bridges that to this day I'm not sure whether it was a good choice or not.
I just need to rant... I'm getting tired though so I'm not even sure what I said at this point.
That's all for now....
**Discovery Channel's Anatomy of Sex is super stupid. Don't watch it. It was on while I typed this and pissed me off. I'm lazy and reach the remote on the floor. Ugh, I need to get in shape.
One of my many issues, and reasons why I believe keeps me from being completely happy is that I think I care too much about too many things. Honestly, I don't really even know what that means. It probably means that I'm too sensitive, I guess. There are a lot of people and situations that can ruin my day or week... things that other people usually wouldn't think to be a big deal are federal cases for me. I'm like the stereotypical chick flick woman, too sensitive for her own good... always concerned with feelings and emotions and whether or not the others in her life care about her feelings and always wanting them to express their feelings and always wanting to just talk etc etc etc.... you know. For such a long time I felt really bad about that. Really bad. I felt bad that others had to deal with me... like I'm a burden to them or at least stressful to deal with. Well, I'm not going to feel that way anymore. I'm also not going to try to change anyone to be ok with that.
Over a long period of time I've learned who the people that truly care for me are. Of course that's based on what MY idea of a good friend/partner/relationship should be like. I've tried to compromise... you have to because perhaps the other person's idea isn't exactly the same. That's fair enough. But there are some things that I feel I have to have in these relationships... and for many of them I've let a lot of these 'musts' go just because I felt it may be too much to ask of there other person. I don't think I want to anymore. I owe that to myself, I think.
Maybe some people aren't meant to be friends. No matter how hard they try, maybe they won't be able to give what the other needs. I haven't figured this out just yet. It's not good to throw away friendships with people that you want to be friends with and who actually want to be your friend, too. But what do you do when the relationship just makes you feel bad about yourself? Not just bad... but bad about the person you are? Is that fair? Who do you put first in that case? Your dear friend... or yourself?
Situations, not sure what else to refer to them as, can also be difficult. Some are easier to get out of then others. Some I've got control over and others not so much. But even those that I can so easily walk away from by doing so I'd feel like a failure. I don't feel like I'm strong anymore. There was a time when I'd consider myself a strong girl...then young woman. I could carry so much weight on my back and still keep it moving. One day I just collapsed and I've never been able to stand up again. I just need help but there doesn't seem to be anyone willing and/OR able to do just that. Or maybe I haven't met that person yet. For now I'll have to rely on myself.
Sometimes doing what is best means doing something difficult, something you won't like. But what is best? Honestly, I have no idea. I'm feeling so emotional exhausted and it's making me give up the fight to hold on to complicated situations or these people I've got complicated relationships with... not so much because I don't care, as I wouldn't hurt so much if that were true, but because I'm at a dead end. I don't know how to fix things anymore and I'm burnt out. It's easier to walk away from it all and possibly find happiness that way, but how much will that bother me in the end? I've been through that... unfinished business always comes back to haunt you in my experience.
Maybe making the decision to be happy isn't so simple, afterall. I don't think it's supposed to be, actually.... anything worth having is worth fighting for and probably doesn't get handed to you so easily. I don't know anymore though... I'm just tired. I'll figure it all out. All I know is that I can't go on with things this way anymore. But being hasty can get you into trouble sometimes. I've burned a few bridges that to this day I'm not sure whether it was a good choice or not.
I just need to rant... I'm getting tired though so I'm not even sure what I said at this point.
That's all for now....
**Discovery Channel's Anatomy of Sex is super stupid. Don't watch it. It was on while I typed this and pissed me off. I'm lazy and reach the remote on the floor. Ugh, I need to get in shape.