Lay It All On Me
I have searched for the strength to keep my mouth shut. While that is easier to do in person, I feel as though I need to lay it all out somewhere, so I figured I would do that here. I have already decided this has turned into a place where I come to vent, so why not continue to use it for that for the time being. Who knows, maybe now that I have a little more time I may be able to use it more often for more than just that.
This whole situation has been weird, and difficult in more ways than one. When it was all happening I had to decide to handle my situation and how to handle telling someone else and possibly ruining their situation (even though his wife was the one being inappropriate and was the actual cause of issue, telling him would have felt like I stirred the pot - which seems unfair since my world was flipped and smashed to the ground. I reached out to the husband and told him we needed to talk, maybe one on one and then invite the significant others to join. He said okay but never got a hold of me once he was back in town. I reached out to her to let her know I knew everything and lay that out ( I will type the exact text here and her response and how shitty this has all been having to watch her manipulate everything). She responded, but took no blame, and I am fully convinced she doesn't realize that I have their messages and actually read them for the 2 months they were happening... I believe she just thinks I was told what S wanted me to know. Hahaha how wrong that assumption is. Though now I wish I hadn't seen it all, that I didn't know how terrible of a person she is when she isn't sure of herself, and how much she doesn't care about the people she is hurting in the process of figuring out what she wants in life. Had she taken some ownership when I confronted her, I would have been able to work through that. I can't expect everyone to always know what they want or where their actions will lead, but lying to my face and blatantly ignoring and passing blame made me angry, and the anger has only been amplified with each new lie and encounter.
I don't really know where to start with all of this because my first experience with her and how she handles J's friends was at our wedding, but I feel like that can be explained a little later in the "story".
July /August 2015
I am not sure what threw me off this night, but something seemed to strike a weird feeling between S and A. I have never been a really jealous person, but I have definitely notice when things in S change, and they've always led to him starting new "friendships" with females. It has been a huge trait of his character that has made me struggle justifying staying in the relationship, though this time (as a whole. Major issues didn't happen until the end of this 2 months) was FAR worse than any other situation. S went into the house, within two minutes A went in - both were drunk. I knew S wasn't feeling well, so after 5 minutes of him not coming back out I went in to check on him. Sure enough he was in the bathroom trying not to get sick. Once I realized he was okay I noticed the spare bedroom door had slammed when I came in - A locked herself in there and was crying (something she does when she is drunk, around J's friends, and usually in a bathing suit - just an observation). The next day I decided I was going to check S's phone for weird things. He and I have always had each others passwords and have been open to sharing everything, so I didn't hesitate to check. Sure enough there was a conversation between S and A, specifically S to A regarding the night before. It read, "Do you have time to get a coffee with me today? So we can talk a little? I really want to talk to you, Shannah told me a few minutes ago that you were crying last night. I would have felt so alone. Especially since I was so mean to you. J was really mean to you and then I was. I would have felt like everyone hated you :( It really makes me sad that I said that to you. I care a lot about you and I can't believe I said that. It's tearing me up inside and I can't stop thinking about you. Also, I really like your last name and I think it's cute." That last bit was about her maiden name. The first bit, which didn't come out until S and I were in marriage counseling, was about S allegedly telling A that she needed to work on her inner thighs and stomach because she was out of shape. My real response to her? "Are you f'ing kidding me? He is married to me and has NEVER made a comment about any specific part of my body, there is no way in hell he would look at you and ever say that - not even joking." My actual response to S was, " Do you believe you said that or could say that to her?" He said no. He didn't. I know in my heart that that came from her own head no matter how much she believes it happened. She was drunk and has her own reality about what was happening that night, but those words never left my husbands mouth to her. Guaranteed.
For the next couple of weeks it was mostly flirting. "Good morning" texts and things before either of them chatted with their significant others. Annoying, but nothing super insane. Was it wrong? yes. Was it worth freaking out about? no. Did I address that Sean and I needed to figure us out? yes - without bringing up the fact that I knew that he was talking to A or what he was saying. To him, I was just being open about knowing he wasn't happy and that we needed to work on that, or he needed to find what he wanted so he could be happy. That backfired at the time. He made the effort to share time with me, however he then went to her and created scenarios that made it seem like I was the unhappy one just so he could relate to A. His words later one, not mine. The biggest thing I noticed during the conversations is that he wanted to get to know her and give her attention. A wanted to get her shit out and take his attention without providing any support or interest in S. This will stated to her in my message to her the morning I found out it got bad. For now, an example of how everything went from S to A for him to give false stories is this, " I took S (me) on a picnic a week or two ago, but it didn't seem like she liked it very much. Then we saw a movie at showplace afterwards that she wanted to see. I don't think we made it to the ice cream shop, it was after 9:30. We went to an outdoor restaurant on Saturday, too, and that was super nice. She acted like it was stupid, though, so I am missing something! hahahahaha." Her response went immediately into the last time her and J hung out. Zero care for what he had just told her. Of course he is blinded by her looks and the fact that she's even saying hi to him, so he had no care for that. When I confronted S about this message he said he had assumed I was upset and gave crap answers as to why, and it was nowhere near as dramatic as how he laid it out to her. Of course.
For most of the rest of the August month they chatted and got to know each other more, but I wouldn't say it was a true reality of each other. I believe they were both exaggerating their stories in order to make their situations seem worse than they were. Even the hot tub night, J had just been holding A in the tub before she went in to cry. He had even brought her the sandwhich she asked for. She may have wanted things she didn't ask for, but that's not J's fault. It was about August 20th (ish - I don't remember exact date, though I know it was about a week before they really got caught) that I realized they were snapchatting more, and when I opened it it was A in her underwear asking if he liked her new ones. To me, underwear is like a bathing suit as long as it covers the same amount and such, and in settings where the group doesn't have their suits and everyone is chill with it. However, in this instance she was purposely sending pictures of herself in her underwear to my husband which is clearly a step over the boundaries and if he wasn't already thinking about her body, he sure was now. I have no clue of any pictures he sent back, I only saved the ones she sent him in case I needed actual proof of any of this if J actually wanted to talk to me.
I will start this last bit of this part of the story by saying S had to deal with what came after he said and did all of this. He got his ring back. He asked to go to a counselor in order to try to save the marriage and though I said okay, I was checked out and done. It took 6 months to a year for us to be at all okay and for me to even consider not officially leaving. I had already packed my things and left for a week or so, so he knew I had zero issue doing what I had to in the situation. I also explained that at this point in the situation we could try counseling, but that was no guarantee that I would stay. I was ready to leave, and after talking to him and putting my effort in while he continued to pursue, not just another female, but his friends wife, I was especially over the rollercoaster of trying to figure him out. His effort was now to figure himself out so I could work on myself through healing.
That morning
A was at a bachelorette party out of town while J and S were in Vegas for a trivia thing. (I had tried to lightly talk to S about no longer talking to A right before he left because of the snap chats and things that were not appropriate and it seemed the rest of that week went well, until Saturday). I read this thread Sunday morning. I had not been checking on him since Thursday that week and everything seemed fine, but I woke up Sunday and something told me to look. I am glad I did before work because their history was off, so I would have missed it and who knows how bad everything would have gotten later.
She asked how he was feeling, he said he was okay but had a sore throat and asked the same to her. She said she didn't drink and mentioned not being best snap friends anymore. He said he sent some but she had to send some back and she said A "let's be best friends in real life."
S "I really wanted to hear you say that"
A "Awwww I talk to you more than I do with anyone lol"
S "Yep, Same with me"
She talked about getting mimosas and he said he had never had any but wanted to try it, so he was going to look for one there.
A "I am reading grey. It's pretty much a porno. I keep having weird sex dreams"
S "Is it a sequel to 50 shades? Details on the sex dreams!"
A "It's from his perspective. Soooo. My dream... In it I am like super horny... but I cannot get anyone to f'ck me. Like that's all I want to do and no one wants to do it with me. And then I had a dream that I was in a porno. With my friend A and we had to wear jeans and go topless and make out and touch each others boobs. aren't these weird?"
S "Idk about weird, but rather horny and hot. They're definitely imaginative! Good think you didn't find me in the dream haha" (not cool to say out loud, but pretty sure any guy hearing this would be like.. damn now I wanna have sex... right?)
A "No one was gonna f'ck me it was kinda awful. Wanting to and then not being able to."
S " Anytime I have a dream, and especially if I am conscious of it being a dream... I want to have sex and can never find a girl that wants to bang me. The struggle is real. I hear ya" (again, he admits he doesn't remember his dreams let alone being lucid in one, this is all just to have a likeness to her. Not that it's okay, but stating a fact)
A "I have never had dreams like this before. lol"
S " Really? probably once every 4 months for me"
A "Yeah, usually in my dreams I'm just getting f'cked. lol"
S "Man that would be a huge turn on"
A "It usually is"
S "And you can get f'cked in any position, too"
A "But lately I just keep having just horny dreams, lol"
S "When you have a dream like that, do you wake up wet? or still turned on?"
A "Both, cannot everyone get f'cked in any position?"
S "yes, especially in dreams. There are some positions that I really want to do, but S complains the whole time and doesn't want to do that. like on the counter. the couch. washing machine, ya know."
A " lol yes I do know lol. those are the best lol. maybe I just need to get off and the dreams will stop? I'm totally fuckable, right? these dreams are silly. Rrroiiggghhhttt????" (this right here... don't ask another persons husband if you're f'ckable right after telling him to think of you naked and in a porno... stoooopppp)
S "YES. I would"
A "Really ?????"
S " They're not silly. They're fun. Oh Yeaaa. I totally would."
A "Why ???" ( why are you asking someone else's man WHY he would f'ck you after you just primed him with a sex dream.......? S took it too far and shouldn't have talked, but are we blind to what she is doing here?????)
He says she knows he would and she asks how she would know and it goes on vaguely for a bit, then she tells him she likes how their preferences and stuff line up (no shit, he made a lot of it up in order to be aligned with your preferences so that you'd take a liking to him). The conversation goes on for a bit about where they are at in their day and how everything else is going. He went to trivia, she went to other things with the bachelorette party. She snapped him another image of her "panties" as she called it and he said he liked that snap ;)
6 hours later she messages him and tells him "I need you to message me soon." he said he is right NOW and she must've drawn a penis at the party because he says the cock is nice and veiny. She says she is drunk and he says he likes when she is drunk (he likes when most people are drunk). She asks if he remembers staying up with her last Friday. S "I remember it perfectly. I was extra awake the whole time. Yeah we haven't had a chance to talk about that." She asked to talk on Snap. Couple hours later she asks him to skype with her. To do it right now. Brings up if J is there with him and he is uncomfortable but she says no do it, skype me. Needless to say the worst of the worse is over. Seems like not a huge deal, but these are two people that have gone behind their significant others back to hang out, be secretive, inappropriate and take their "friendship" beyond where it should go.
3 times while we were in counseling we asked to talk to J and A and they didn't want to talk about it. Their excuse was that they hadn't talked to each other yet. Fine. I should have sent all of the messages to J right then and there if I knew she would still be playing games 3 years later. I am to the point of calling her out and exploding if I hear one more lie from her.
While tubing this year J mentioned to S that J heard S didn't do all of his shots on a boat in Arizona the year before. When we asked from who and said that it doesn't sound like S... he mentioned that was what A told him. A wasn't even on the gd boat, and was nowhere to be found until the next day. We had J out, we fed him in the kitchen, we took care of him until he went to bed with A NOWWHERE to be found, so please tell me how she "knows" S didn't take his shots? I was the only sober one out there, and those boys put them away, so please tell me again how knowledgeable you are about something you weren't involved in. This made me so angry and made me feel as though she has lied about everything. J made a comment earlier in the day about S being inappropriate. Also made me mad because he has no idea how much of S's inappropriateness was egged on by his inappropriate wife.
S had to deal with the consequences of his actual actions. I knew everything that happened and the time frame and the sneaky things they did. A has told J minimal information and I am sure most of it is false. The more I am supposed to be around them the more I want to word vomit it all out.
I am tired of the pity party. Grow up.
I am tired of the lies. Grow up.
I am tired of being made to feel like you both think I am dumb for staying when you can't even have a legitimate conversation about your relationship to each other. Grow up.
We've cried the tears. We are fighting the fight. We have gotten so uncomfortably real it is insane that we can look at each other. Get there.
One day I will use her words against her. And that day she will understand what I meant by everything I said.
Me " I am aware of everything you and S have talked about. I understand you probably won't believe me since S is so convincing, but what he tells you differs from what he tells me. He claims he wants to stay with me and work on him because he finds himself doing this exact thing (4 times since we've been married) a lot to me and wants to work things out with me. I understand it's very easy for him to lie to me, but i'm sincere in my trying to work things out for his happiness. In turn he does these things behind my back and i feel 100% the way J makes you feel although now I have to worry about every situation he is in because he has no boundaries with women and "knows I will always be here" so he tests his limits. I believe he is very unhappy despite everything I try to do for him (a lot of what you've been told is an exaggeration though I don't expect you to believe me) and I do not believe he is going to stop. He decided last week that he wanted to go talk to a third party to help with our marriage, but after last night I am not sure that is going to help us. Just be careful on what he leads on, and if you care about him, please make sure yours are equally the best intentions for his well being. I understand you are going through a lot as well, and I feel terrible because I can completely relate, but allowing S to ruin his marriage is not exactly helping him as a friend. I am devastated and heartbroken but know now where I stand. Please know I am not angry at either of you but very disappointed in the situation and the position I am in now."
A's bullshit response "I really appreciate you coming to me and telling me this. i think he is truly conflicted. I've been there in my own relationship. I do believe everything you said. I have no reason to doubt you at all. It has been nice being able to talk to someone who can relate. I've just been trying to give him advice, but obviously I am not an expert on it. I've just been trying to talk to him about it, and it helps me too sometimes."
Right. So, A, here is what I want to say since my nice tactic didn't work and your cowardly ass would not like to speak to me or S on the subject.
If you're dealing with something, deal with it. You told S you went to a counselor and they said you were fine and told you you didn't need to talk to someone. Bullshit - all counselor's would like people to talk to people, even if you're stable, so try again - you're not fooling me. "Helping" a friend does not include talking sexually with him or priming him to say what you want to hear because you're incapable of getting any from your spouse - WORK ON THAT RELATIONSHIP. Or leave and find your happiness. I truly believe you're not stable. Get checked for BPD. Once you find out whats going on, you can get your shit together. Quit coming around J's friends only to be in a bathing suit/get dehydrated at every wedding you attend so the attention is on you/ cry at every event because you are overwhelmed or dehydrated/ and for god sake stop lying about situations you weren't involved in. I don't think you're a bad person necessarily, but I think you're ill and when you don't do anything about that and continue to pull this crap your character definitely doesn't look good. Get your shit together. And I apologize now if you don't and I her another lie. It is getting harder and harder not to call you out on your bullshit.
Love Always and Forever,
A pissed off Shannah Banannah
good. day.