(no subject)

[nazreject369]

i'm amanda. i like to use this as my personal personal journal. altho my personal entries are to remain private. i wonder when my last public entry was posted. anyway, since i last wrote EVERYTHING and EVERYONE has changed. the people i was tight with, i'm not. the people i wasn't tight with, i am. i don't get it. i mean, as bitter and angry i am, i really am content with everything. i am myself. i was like this earlier this year and all i got was complaints. so now i just keep reminding everyone that i know what i'm doing and that i like it. which i think is exactly what is going on with people i used to be close with. like with sarah, we were best friends since kindergarten, matching headbands, trolls, candles, dolls, teddybears. when we each lost a parent, we would stay up late talking about how if we couldn't have our mom/dad back, if our dad/mom could get married that would be awesome. because we would be real sisters, not just stupid blood sisters or "bffs." then we lost touch and it kills me so much. i miss her i miss her i miss her. and annie, she seems so happy, and i'm happy for her. i do miss her, but if she's happier and i am too.. what are you going to do about it? ... and liz, i miss her so much. i really do. it brings tears to my eyes that we don't talk at all anymore. i made eye contact with her the otherday, it was so weird, i havent done that in months. it was just.. idk, i'm going to get emotional. ..... . . . ...then there is jeff.. i'm not going to deny, i still have feelings for him. it so stupid, naive and short-lived, i should be over it. i know why i broke up with him, it was with good reason.. but he was so caring and loving, we could have worked through it. he gave me so many chances to work thru it over the summer, but i didnt grab one of them at all. not only does that make me an idiot, it makes me liar. i told him that during the summer , nvm. i need to get over it, just like i need to get over the situations with sarah and with liz and with annie. i love them all with all my heart, but i miss them and that will make it harder.

i guess i should start counting my blessings instead of my unfortunates. i mean, i still have kim who i know i can always count on. her family is just like my second family. she and i have traditions and inside jokes and eachothers clothes. heh. and sam, he's my pride and joy, always listening to my bitching every single night until he makes me go to sleep. makign fun of me for my suck-ass music. and erin, she never fails to put a smile on my face.

i don't even know who reads this anymore. i should stop before i upset someone, you know how eljay drama starts.
watch this will come back and fuck me in the ass. *sigh*