2010 on the Inside: from Darkness to Darkness
This year has not been what I had hoped. But it had some good surprises, too.
I am still not ready to take sole responsibility for my own life, though I have had this responsibility for four years already. This has cost me many pains and several precious parts of myself, and I feel I lose more with each passing day. Where others thrive and grow in their lives, I find myself blind and dysfunctional. Of all things in this world, nothing currently attracts and influences me like negligence, apathy and exhaustion. It's a zombie life that I cannot seem to escape: it has become the default, and unless I fight and win, it's all I get.
There are waking moments, when my mind is free and when I can actually get something done. That's when I can hope, and search for keys to my own freedom, and make plans that could work. Because you can say whatever you want about contentment and acceptance, but I will suffer and rot until the day when I am restored to my own self. I once had wings and good chances for the future, but now I am as a butterfly half-formed, reminiscing a metamorphosis that never completed. This half-life is not who I am. And the worst thing is, I fear that a lot of people are like this for the chief part of their lives. It seems to be all up to me to find the keys out of my own cage.
I have had a handful of moments in 2010 when I could glimpse and live the life I could have, as the person I'm supposed to be. They have not yet bore fruit, and now at the end of the year, each day is a further step into the zombie fog. But all is not lost; indeed, I think this is the best December I've had in four years. In-between the moments where nothing matters, I feel honest hope and a sense that I have healed inside from past hurts.
My main resolution of 2010 was to learn more about friendship. Although I'm sure I haven't learned less, I have neglected and lost several chances to build sound relations. I have temporarily given up the burden, and ended up in a dark hole where I don't even want to see familiar faces. This can and will be undone, but it's going to take a while, and it's going to take energy from the outside. My other resolutions haven't yielded any breakthroughs, either.
Not many things have happened. I have moved to a new home and a new university, and this was a definite change for the better, but at the same time, it separated me from some of my best friends. I have made some nice new friends; I've had a relatively safe and stable life; and I've had many small moments of joy and beauty in nature. Overall, it has not been a year of misery. It's just been numbly disquieting.
2010 in a track: Airlock - Revealing Some Interest.
I am still not ready to take sole responsibility for my own life, though I have had this responsibility for four years already. This has cost me many pains and several precious parts of myself, and I feel I lose more with each passing day. Where others thrive and grow in their lives, I find myself blind and dysfunctional. Of all things in this world, nothing currently attracts and influences me like negligence, apathy and exhaustion. It's a zombie life that I cannot seem to escape: it has become the default, and unless I fight and win, it's all I get.
There are waking moments, when my mind is free and when I can actually get something done. That's when I can hope, and search for keys to my own freedom, and make plans that could work. Because you can say whatever you want about contentment and acceptance, but I will suffer and rot until the day when I am restored to my own self. I once had wings and good chances for the future, but now I am as a butterfly half-formed, reminiscing a metamorphosis that never completed. This half-life is not who I am. And the worst thing is, I fear that a lot of people are like this for the chief part of their lives. It seems to be all up to me to find the keys out of my own cage.
I have had a handful of moments in 2010 when I could glimpse and live the life I could have, as the person I'm supposed to be. They have not yet bore fruit, and now at the end of the year, each day is a further step into the zombie fog. But all is not lost; indeed, I think this is the best December I've had in four years. In-between the moments where nothing matters, I feel honest hope and a sense that I have healed inside from past hurts.
My main resolution of 2010 was to learn more about friendship. Although I'm sure I haven't learned less, I have neglected and lost several chances to build sound relations. I have temporarily given up the burden, and ended up in a dark hole where I don't even want to see familiar faces. This can and will be undone, but it's going to take a while, and it's going to take energy from the outside. My other resolutions haven't yielded any breakthroughs, either.
Not many things have happened. I have moved to a new home and a new university, and this was a definite change for the better, but at the same time, it separated me from some of my best friends. I have made some nice new friends; I've had a relatively safe and stable life; and I've had many small moments of joy and beauty in nature. Overall, it has not been a year of misery. It's just been numbly disquieting.
2010 in a track: Airlock - Revealing Some Interest.