Daily Mental Debug: Day 5
"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold." -- J.R.R. Tolkien (Frodo, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King)
A long time ago, Larry and I broke up. This was one of the quotes he said to me back then in 2006. Since Tuesday its been ringing in my head and I think I'm beginning to understand it. It hurts, it really does. I posted on twitter that the quote had been running through my head and Larry replied with "Ah, good, always wondered if that quote stuck in your head or not!!! :)"
Today was the first day I began to doubt if I'd take him back if he asked me to. I know right now that I would in a heart beat, but I'm starting to wonder how it would feel to be with someone new. I've already decided that I don't want to date for a long time, I want to give myself time to find out who I am and what I want in life. I keep having all these thoughts of things I can do now with out having to feel like I have to answer to anyone. I can move the furniture around with out it bothering someone, I can paint the place whatever color I want, I can buy whatever I want with out having to feel like I have to hide it because I'm supposed to be saving money. But... "She's got her freedom but she'd rather be bound to a man who would love her and never let her down"... (Alabama - Lady Down on Love)... In which I start crying. I've been trying to remember the lyrics to that song for the last few days and I just remembered enough to google it. Goddamn it this sucks so bad.
Nothing else and no one else will ever compare to him.
I really hope that when the day comes that he's found another woman that she does not get jealous of the two of us hanging out. I don't know if I could deal with out having him as at least a friend. Thats the part that scares me the most in all of this. I know when he broke up with Cat that he pretty much stopped hanging out with her aside from the occasional dinner and/or a movie here and there.
*sigh* I don't really have much else to day about the day.
A long time ago, Larry and I broke up. This was one of the quotes he said to me back then in 2006. Since Tuesday its been ringing in my head and I think I'm beginning to understand it. It hurts, it really does. I posted on twitter that the quote had been running through my head and Larry replied with "Ah, good, always wondered if that quote stuck in your head or not!!! :)"
Today was the first day I began to doubt if I'd take him back if he asked me to. I know right now that I would in a heart beat, but I'm starting to wonder how it would feel to be with someone new. I've already decided that I don't want to date for a long time, I want to give myself time to find out who I am and what I want in life. I keep having all these thoughts of things I can do now with out having to feel like I have to answer to anyone. I can move the furniture around with out it bothering someone, I can paint the place whatever color I want, I can buy whatever I want with out having to feel like I have to hide it because I'm supposed to be saving money. But... "She's got her freedom but she'd rather be bound to a man who would love her and never let her down"... (Alabama - Lady Down on Love)... In which I start crying. I've been trying to remember the lyrics to that song for the last few days and I just remembered enough to google it. Goddamn it this sucks so bad.
Nothing else and no one else will ever compare to him.
I really hope that when the day comes that he's found another woman that she does not get jealous of the two of us hanging out. I don't know if I could deal with out having him as at least a friend. Thats the part that scares me the most in all of this. I know when he broke up with Cat that he pretty much stopped hanging out with her aside from the occasional dinner and/or a movie here and there.
*sigh* I don't really have much else to day about the day.